Beneath Your Perfect

“So he just texted you and told you when he was going to pick you up? That’s it? Nothing else?” Aria questioned me as I nodded at her, staring at my dress in the mirror. I had hoped it was appropriate for the party tonight.

“And you’re just going to go?”

“I have to.” I responded before adjusting the large earrings hanging from my ears.

“Does he know about his management visiting you?” Jaz asked, fixing one of my curls. I shook my head at her before glancing at the time. Liam would be here in any minute.

“Did you tell Liam about America?” I sighed and shook my head at Sarah.

“No, we didn’t exactly talk yesterday. There was a fair amount of yelling and silence.” I told her before grabbing my clutch and slipping into my high heels.

A knock at the door interrupted any more conversation, the girls stayed behind while I headed to the door.

“You look nice.” Liam smiled at me the moment the door opened. I stared at him shocked, he was dressed immaculately in a black suit, his hair styled and if I looked closely I could see the make up that was hiding the bags under his eyes. What ever I expected Liam to look like this wasn’t it. He looked like a guy that hadn’t just had a breakdown and ran away to Australia, who hadn’t just drunk a liquor store. He looked like a perfect popstar. His smile however was expected. What else could I expect from a broken Liam than a perfectly fake smile?

“You do too.” I said softly as he offered my arm. I took it slowly before closing the door behind me.

“Tonight will probably be boring where we will just have to chat with lots of businessmen but I promise we can leave as soon as possible.” He said casually, while leading me down the stairs. I couldn’t respond, I felt like my brain had gotten whiplash. This was not the Liam I had been preparing for. I didn’t know how to respond to this Liam at all.

“Liam,” I said softly, grabbing his attention when we reached the bottom of the stairs. “Are you okay?”

“Course.” He said quickly, turning away from me and tugging on my hand. “Come on, everyone is waiting in the limo.” I followed behind him without a choice as we headed out the doors and straight to the limo. The driver opened the doors for us and Liam let me climb in first.

I glanced up to be met with six pairs of eyes staring back. I smiled nervously as Liam climbed into the seat next to me and the door was shut. A small silence fell over the car as Liam grabbed my hand and gently played with my fingers like he couldn’t feel the awkward atmosphere within the vehicle. I watched him curiously for a moment before Eleanor cleared her throat.

“So Jade. It’s been awhile. How are you?” I glanced away from Liam towards the pretty brown haired girl sitting next to Louis.

“Good, I suppose.” I threw another look at Liam who kept his eyes trained out the window. “You?”

“Good. Louis and I are actually planning on going on holidays soon.” I could hear the desperate need for conversation hidden in her tone. She wanted to make this as less awkward as possible and I wanted to help her, the boys seemed at a loss.

“That’s nice.” I offered, smiling softly which she returned. “Where to?”

“I’m trying to get him to take me to Hawaii but he thinks it’s too much of a cliché.” Eleanor nudged Louis who broke his stare at Liam and smiled softly at his girlfriend.

“It is! It’s like the ultimate honeymoon destination. If we go there people will think I’m boring and unoriginal.” He cried out, throwing his hands up. I smiled at him and tried to not get distracted by the small shapes Liam was tracing into the palm of my hand.

“Nothing wrong with an old cliché.” I said honestly as Liam glanced away from the window towards me.

“She should know. She is the writer.” He stated bluntly before glancing back out the window. The car fell quiet as I wondered what Liam meant from that. It’s not like he was exactly a fan of my writing right now.

“So how is your new book coming? It’s getting published soon right?” Perrie broke into the silence again as my eyes widened and Liam’s body stiffened next to mine slightly. The air seemed so think that I could feel myself choking on it. This was not a conversation I wanted to have right now.

Before I could respond, the car rolled to a stop and I silently sent a thank you to whoever seemed to be watching over me tonight. The door was opened and Liam stepped out instantly before offering me his hand. His eyes didn’t meet mine but his hand squeezed mine comfortingly as we moved towards the building. Flashes appeared around us as the few paparazzi, that had probably only come tonight to get a picture of these boys, took their fill.

We were ushered inside almost instantly, as this was a business party not a red carper affair.

Champagne greeted us at the door and I took mine gratefully, Liam refused his. I glanced to him surprised as he shrugged and glanced away.

“You asked me not to drink.” He said simply as if that reason would be enough before we followed Harry and Niall over towards a few people.

The rest of the night I spent at Liam’s side. I followed him as he swept me from one person to another. He introduced me before he talked business, or sport or just about anything popular in general. He laughed perfectly, he smiled widely and he was one of the most charming people I had ever met in my life.

It was all completely fake. He was fake but he acted like he wasn’t. He never dropped that smile and his laugh was low and genuine. I couldn’t find any crack in his behavior and that scared me. It scared me that Liam could so easily fall into this person.

Yesterday he had been broken and drunk. He could barely look after himself and here he was today acting like it was okay. Like nothing happened. It scared me.

It scared me whenever he wrapped his arm around my waist, when he pressed a kiss to my cheek or sometimes a soft peck on my lips. He was always touching me, always playing with my fingers or my hand and grazing the side of my hip that was covered by my green dress. He was always there clouding around me, not wanting to leave as he gave his attention to the right people.

I was lost and I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t know if this part of Liam was an act, if the small touches and the gentle smiles were for me or if they were a performance for everyone else. It made my heart and head ache. I needed a break just to breathe for a moment.

“I have to use the bathroom.” I leant up on my heels slightly to whisper into Liam’s ear. He glanced down at me before nodding and pressed another kiss to my temple then unwound himself from me. I smiled at the man Liam was talking to before quickly moving away and towards the hallway that held a toilet sign.

I tried to keep my breathing calm and normal when I entered the bathroom and glanced at myself in the mirror. I look normal, my eyes a little frenzied but as long as I look presentable I could keep doing this. I could last the night, even if I was already exhausted after two hours.

I took my time and fixed some make up, trying to bide my time in the toilet. My hand slipped over my phone and I debated on calling Jaz but I held back. I could do this; I could handle Liam acting like this. Maybe he had just moved on? Maybe the trip to Australia had made him better?

Except yesterday he had still been broken.

I took a deep breath knowing that if I spent any longer in the toilet Liam might start to worry.

I passed a few ladies on the way out and heading back into the conference room. Music was playing softly in the background and a few people were slow dancing closer to the stage. I glanced around for Liam and came up short.

“Drinks?” I glanced up at the server and smiled, accepting another champagne and tried not to down it in one go.

“Hey, what are you doing over here?” Harry came up to my side and I almost sighed in relief at his familiar face.

“Can’t find Liam.” I told him glancing around. Harry pointed him out in another corner chatting with Simon Cowell and Eric Leony that guy who had been at my house twice now. I didn’t exactly want to become apart of that conversation yet. Harry must have sensed my apprehension because he stayed by my side.

“You really do wonders for him.” Harry stated as I looked at him for explanation. “He’s really becoming the old Liam again. He looks happy. I know it’s not all genuine, I’ve practically lived with the boy long enough to know that but at least he’s trying right?”

There was so much hope in Harry’s eyes that I couldn’t help but sympathise with him. You could see the way that all the boys had missed Liam. I didn’t know what they were like with Liam before everything went south but I could tell that Liam’s behavior had disrupted who they were. I could almost imagine the fluidity they would have moved around each other, fitting perfectly and filling in for what someone couldn’t handle. Like they were all mismatched puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. However Liam’s piece broke slightly and it’s made them all fall out.

It must be terrible to watch a friend slowly slip away from what he was and not be able to stop it.

“We all are thankful for you Jade, honestly. I think we had all given up hope on Liam.” I made a noise of protest; I could feel the tears build in the back of my eyes. I didn’t know what to say to Harry. I didn’t fix him, couldn’t he see that?

“We owe you so much and I don’t think we could ever repay you for this.” I shook my head and drowned out the rest of Harry’s words. I didn’t want to hear that.

“I didn’t Harry. I didn’t.” I choked out as Harry stopped mid rant and looked at me in surprise. “I haven’t helped him at all Harry.”

“Of course you have Jade. Before you came a long Liam probably wouldn’t have made it to this or would have drunk half the liquor and be escorted out. Of course you’ve helped him. He loves you, you know.” I squeaked slightly trying to hold in the emotions that were trying to spill out. I felt sick.

“Jade?” Harry asked me worriedly before leading me to the closest chair. I could see him trying to get Liam’s attention.

“I didn’t help him Harry.” I tugged on his hand pulling his attention back to me. He sunk down on the seat next to me and stared into my eyes, I could see the confusion and worry spread throughout the green.

“Don’t you see? I’ve made him worse. He knows how to fake it so well and I haven’t helped him at all. I thought I had too.” I knew my words weren’t making sense to Harry as he held my hand tightly and glanced over to Liam again. I tugged at his hand pulling his attention back. I needed him to understand what I meant.

“I stuffed up and when I stuffed up I hurt him. The moment I hurt him he went back to his old self. He drank and he ran away. How is that helping him?”

“It was only because you fought Jade. That’s all but when you’re here he’s fine.” I shook my head quickly at Harry’s words.

“I can’t always be here Harry. Do you think relationships don’t have fights? If I stay with Liam do you think we won’t fight? Of course we will always fight, it’s what people do when they’re in love, where they’re getting to know someone. How am I fixing him if every time we fight and hurt each other he runs away or goes on another bender? He’s not fixed Harry, he’s far from it and what’s worse is that we’re all letting him make us believe he’s getting better.”

Harry stayed quiet, his eyes not meeting mine. I felt bad but he needed to know.

“You said ‘if’ you stay with him. Are you planning on leaving Jade?” He asked suddenly, his eyes looked up into mine. I swallowed as my mouth turned dry before I pulled my hands from Harry.

“I don’t think I’m good for him.” Harry opened his mouth to say something but his eyes widened at Liam walking over, worry etched onto his features.

“Are you okay?” Liam asked instantly, crouching down next to my chair and I lost the words to speak from the concern in his eyes.

“She’s not feeling well. I made her sit down but she looks really pale.” Harry said suddenly as I just stared at Liam who frowned and reached up to feel my forehead.

“Maybe we should head home.” He said softly, his eyes searching my face. I made a noise of protest, not wanting to ruin the night for Liam. He brushed it off and helped me stand up.

“Let the others know that I took her home, please.” Liam smiled at Harry who pulled him into a quick hug.

“Sure thing mate. Get better Jade.” Harry’s eyes turned to me as Liam began to lead me away. I turned around to stare at Harry whose shoulders slumped the moment Liam’s back was turned; he ran a hand through his hair and tugged harshly. He looked worn and ragged. I got the feeling that this whole band was slowly falling of their last leg. They were loosing things to hold on to as the floor was pulled out from under them.

“How are you feeling?” Liam asked me softly; running his hand over my cheek as a cab was called for us. I smiled at Liam weakly and moved forward to rest my head on his chest; I didn’t think I could form any words at this point. I just wanted to be home and safe.

Liam’s arms wrapped around my body cocooning me in his warmth and allowed me to breath him in. I closed my eyes and hoped that I would never have to leave this place in his arms. However no one was listening to me this time as Liam pulled away to get us both inside the cab. He pulled me back into his arms the moment we were both seated and I kept my eyes closed. I tried to control my breathing and keep the tears that threatened to fall at bay. I wanted Liam; I wanted a Liam that was happy and not broken. But I also wanted the Liam that I had come to know, my Liam who came to love me. But I don’t think I was allowed him anymore.

Liam walked me up the stairs to my flat and opened the door for me.

“Do you want me to stay? I could get you a cup of tea or something?” Liam asked softly, standing in the doorway. I shook my head at him.

“You should go. I’m sorry for making you leave early.” He smiled softly, an action that made it harder to breathe, why was it always faked?

“It was getting boring anyway, gave us an excuse to escape.” He let out a small chuckled and I had to blink back the tears. I wanted the real Liam back, the one who broke down and cried and yelled. At least I knew his emotions were real.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” He asked me softly, a small sparkle in his eyes as I nodded and allowed him to press his lips to mine softly before shutting the door behind him.

I stayed standing in front of the door as numbness washed over my body. I waited for the appropriate amount of time for Liam to be gone from the front of the building before I turned and made my way back out of my flat and across the street. I calmly entered Aria’s elevator and knocked on her door. My heart rate stayed at a normal pace as I heard her shuffling around before opening the door, confusion flittered across her face as she stared at me.

“What are you doing back so early?” The concern in her voice broke my demeanor instantly as I my body crumbled forward and the tears flowed.

“Jade? What the hell?” she asked, fright in her voice. I cried in relief as her body wrapped around mine and she pulled me into her apartment.

“I made a terrible mistake.” I sobbed to Aria. “I have to let him go.”

“Breathe, Jade. I don’t understand.” Aria calmed her voice and rubbed my back.

“I’m not good for him like they think. Without me he just goes back to before. He goes back to being drunk. He’s not better, far from it. I can’t keep doing this to him, I can’t keep hurting him.”

Aria stayed silent and hummed in my ear softly as I sorted through the thoughts running through my head.

“I didn’t fix him I was just holding him together. I’m not the best person for him, when I’m half broken too. I have to let him go.”