Beneath Your Perfect

I could smell the alcohol the moment I pushed the door open to the flat. It hadn’t been locked.

There was mess everywhere. A suitcase laid in the living room, open, with clothes half out. Liam obviously hadn’t bothered to unpack since being back.

He had however bothered to buy more alcohol since every surface was practically covered with empty bottles.

Ignoring the smell I walked further into the flat and checked the kitchen. I could smell the rotten food coming from the fridge. Sighing I turned and headed down the hallway. Liam’s bedroom door was shut.

I hesitated in front of it before taking a deep breath and pushing the door open. The sight before me made my eyes water as Liam laid on the bed, blankets askew, limbs lying haphazardly around him. Relief washed through me as his chest moved up and down. He was still alive. He hadn’t drunk himself into death. Not yet anyway.

There were bottles in here too. Plenty of them. A few tears fell as I realised I had been in this situation before. Here was Liam once again unconscious and here I was once again trying to help him. Except this time, this time I felt guilty.

“Liam.” I said softly moving forward to press a hand to his warm shoulder. He didn’t stir. I shook him slightly and he murmured nonsense before rolling over slightly with a groan.

“Liam.” I tried louder and reached over to pull his shoulder back towards me so his face was staring up into mine. I watched his eyelids flutter softly before another groan left his chapped lips.

“Jade.” He moaned, hands reached out to hold onto mine before shutting his eyes again.

“Oh Liam. What have you done?” I cooed softly, pulling one hand out of his grasp and reached forward to run my fingers through his dirty hair. “What have I done?”

His eyelids began to flutter again as I continuously moved my fingers through his greasy hair until finally his brown eyes were staring into mine. He looked so sad.

His hand tentatively reached up and brushed along my cheek collecting a few tears on his fingertips. He looked away after a moment and attempted to sit up. I supported his back while he placed his hands over his head.

“Let’s get you into the shower.” I said surprised when he didn’t protest. I helped him up and guided him into the bathroom. He shut the door behind himself as I stood there for a minute at a loss for what to do.

I may as well see if there was anything edible left in his cupboards. I avoided the fridge knowing there was no point in opening that right now. His cupboards however didn’t store much and I instead found a box of tea bags, I began to boil some water.

“What are you doing here?” Liam’s gruff voice surprised me as I turned to stare at him. His eyes were red and heavy bags placed under them. His skin was pale and sickly, his clothes hanging off him. Had he really lost that much weight since the last time I saw him? He pushed his damp hair back to stop the droplets from falling into his face. I noted how much his hair had grown back since I first met him. “I don’t want you here.”

I ignored his words and pulled the kettle off the stove before pouring it into two cups. I added the sugar just like Liam liked it.

“Jade.” His voice got louder as his steps moved forward.

“I know Liam!” I hissed at him not able to keep my voice from choking on his name. He stopped in his tracks as I turned to stare at him wishing that the tears in my eyes would go away. I hadn’t realised how much a person could cry. It seemed like a never-ending supply. “You don’t want me here I get that. But I think you need me right now.”

“God you’re so fall of yourself. Always trying to save everyone aren’t you? Well I’m not a damsel in distress and I don’t fucking need your saving.” I stayed silent at his words not being able to meet his eyes that burned holes in me. “Who is supposed to save me from you?”

“I’m sorry.” I whispered out as he laughed harshly, no humour was present in the noises that fell from his mouth. He moved forward and grabbed the mug that was his before turning and headed towards his room. I watched him go and straightened my back. I was sick of him leaving and not wanting to talk about this. It was time that we talked.

I left my own mug and stormed down the hallway after him. I walked into the bedroom as he was picking up a bottle of alcohol to add to his cup. My eyes narrowed and I felt the anger rise up colouring my cheeks. I marched forward and pushed the bottle away from the cup. In Liam’s surprise he let go of the bottle and it smashed against the closest wall. Glass and liquid fell to the ground.

“What the fuck?” He hissed at me.

“Stop, stop all of this. You know I thought you were better but you’re not. You’re just as pathetic as before aren’t you?” I saw the anger flash through his eyes and for a moment I actually thought he might hit me, a thought that made me shrink away as he moved his hand. I watched his eyes soften and his shoulders slumped forward before he put his cup down on the bedside table.

“I wouldn’t hit you Jade.” He muttered softly as he gracefully sat down on the edge of the bed.

“I know that.” I told him truthfully. I did know that. Liam, even in this mood, was not Noah. Liam would never hit me even if I hit him first. Sometimes I couldn’t help but flinch though, it was just a habit that had become a part of me.

We stayed silent for a moment. Neither of us saying anything as Liam stared miserably at the opposite wall.

“I felt like you used me. When I realised what your character and I had in common I felt like you had gotten close to me just to use my story. I thought you had betrayed me like everyone else.” He said softly, surprising me. I fell down onto my knees beside the bed; my hands shook as I reached up to grab his. His eyes turned to mine and pulled on my heart. His eyes were designed to be happy, I had broken them again.

“I never meant it like that. I should have told you when I first started but things were going good and the longer I left it the harder it would be to tell you and I left it too long and I’m sorry about that. I really am. I was selfish and wrong. But I love you Liam and I honestly never meant to hurt you.” I told him squeezing his hand. His eyes darkened slightly at my words before he looked away, he kept his hand in mine.

“You should have told me straight away. You should have asked me. I-I can’t trust you right now Jade.” My heart sunk at Liam’s words. The only reason he had let me in was because of the trust he had for me. Trust that he never gave out so freely. I didn’t even know if I could gain it back.

“Liam.” I said softly not having anything else to say. Not sure what I wanted to say.

“I need you to leave right now Jade.” I shook my head at him until he looked up, eyes meeting mine and I could see the pleading behind them. “Please Jade. I just need to think.”

“Okay.” I said softly standing up. “Can you please just talk to me tomorrow. Let me know you’re at least okay?”

He nodded at me but didn’t say anything. I hesitated for a moment before I leant forward and pressed a chaste kiss to his forehead. His eyebrows pulled together but he didn’t move away. I took that as a good sign.

“I do love you Li. Please don’t drink tonight.” I didn’t know if saying the last part would make him angry but he didn’t respond again. I bit my lip but didn’t push my luck and turned to head out of the apartment.

Now I just had to wait.