Beneath Your Perfect

The suitcase was a lot heavier then I thought it would be as I rolled it towards the doorway before turning back to the other suitcase sitting in my room. I pressed down against it and tried to do the zip up, but it still wouldn’t close. I let the flap fall back open and frowned down at all my stuff, I didn’t know what to take out to make it fit.

“Oh good! One of you come and sit on this.” I said the moment my front door opened and Sarah and Aria walked into my flat.

“God it looks weird without your shit everywhere.” Aria commented; I glared at her. Sarah walked over and sat obediently on top of the suitcase. Smiling at me sweetly.

“Do you really have to go tomorrow?” She asked me softly. I nodded at her and pulled the zip around her legs, grunting while pulling.

“But your publicist said not for a couple more days.” Aria stated, falling to sit next to the suitcase on the couch.

“I know but I would really rather go now.” I told her while jostling Sarah off the suitcase and pulling it off the couch, dragging it to the door to sit next to the other one.

“Is this because of Liam?” Sarah asked softly. I paused on my way to the kitchen, turning to stare back at them both.

“Of course it is. It’s always Liam.” I replied exasperated. I was tired of lying, of pretending I wasn’t hurt as much as I was. “I just need to get away from here for a bit. Somewhere knew, with nothing reminding me of him.”

“It will get better you know. You don’t have to run away.” Sarah said softly, her voice staying calm. I shook my head at her, they didn’t understand.

“I can’t do this, though. I can’t be here when I see him everywhere.” I sighed and leant against the nearest wall. “I see him in my apartment. I see him in my favourite shops and in my favourite cafe. I see him everywhere I go because I took him to all those places. And I’m sick of seeing his face all the time. I’m sick of hoping that he’s going to show up there. I’m constantly looking around and waiting for him. And that’s not good for me. So I’m leaving where everything is new to me and the chance of running into his is extremely slim. I don’t know how long, or when I will get back but I have to do this. I have to mend too.”

I glanced up towards their faces, frowns set across both.

“I’m sorry, I know you guys want to help me and I really wish I could take you both with.” I bit my lip trying to stop the trembling that had started the moment my eyes began to blur. A few words choked up in the back of my throat.

“Jade.” Sarah whispered, moving around the couch to pull me into a hug. A loud sob fell from my lips as I fell into her arms.

“I miss him. I miss him so much and I’m so angry.”

“Hey sweetie.” Aria appeared in front of my vision as I rested my chin on Sarah’s shoulder. “Of course you’re going to miss him. You love him.” She pressed a small kiss to my forehead and wrapped her arms around both Sarah and me. I sighed and leant against them both enjoying their warmth.

“It’s just, you’re coming back though, right?” Sarah asked me, moving her head back. I nodded and smiled at them both weakly.

“Of course. Nothing is going to keep me away from the both of you.” I pulled them closer to me and squeezed before letting go. “Now come on, I need you both to help me pack. I’ve probably forgotten something.”

“Underwear?” I shot Sarah and exasperated look as I waved the last few stray tears from my cheeks.

“Yes mother, of course I remembered underwear.” I shook my head and headed down to the bathroom, prepared to raid the cupboards for anything else I was allowed to take.

There was a knock at the door not long later but I let Aria or Sarah answer it, assuming it was probably my family.

“Jade.” My name rang through the apartment. I ducked out of the bathroom cabinet and headed down the hallway towards the living room.

“You have a visitor.” Sarah pointed towards the couch where Eleanor stood, shifting slightly. I tried not to groan out loud. Why was it that every time Liam and I had an argument she showed up. Always trying to get me back with him.

“Hi.” I said weakly, moving towards another couch and falling down. I really didn’t have the energy to do this standing up.

“Hey. I uh hope you don’t mind me coming by.” She said softly, taking the seat in the opposite couch. I relaxed slightly; she didn’t seem angry or determined. Just neutral. “I just wanted to say goodbye I guess.”

I watched her for a moment surprised.

“I know we aren’t exactly close but we’ve hung out a few times and well said a few things to each other so I still wanted to say goodbye and wish you good luck for the tour. I’m sure everyone’s going to love your book.” She looked up at the last part and spoke directly to me. I smiled at her gently, thankful that she wasn’t pushing this. “And I’m sorry for how you and Li ended. Sorry that we pushed you into staying there and helping.”

I shook my head at her quickly, sitting up in my chair straighter.

“You didn’t push me into anything. I wanted to be there with him. I love him and that hasn’t changed.” I reassured her quickly. “We just can’t be together. Not now.”

She nodded slowly, her eyes travelling around the slowly emptying room.

“Yeah Liam kind of explained to us. We get it, sort of.” We fell silent as I wondered what state Liam was in when he told them. Was it mean of me to think he had probably gotten drunk again? Or self-centered that a part of me hoped he was upset about this?

“The other boys wanted to come to say goodbye but we didn’t want to overwhelm you.” Eleanor continued through the silence. I nodded at her in thanks. Seeing the other boys wouldn’t have been good. Too much of my feelings to them were tied to Liam and I was enjoying feeling numb in that area of my mind.

“How is he?” The words were out before I could stop them. Before I could realise what I was saying. Eleanor’s back straightened and her eyes hardened on mine. I almost expected her to tell me I didn’t deserve to know but she quickly deflated and leant back against the couch.

“I don’t really think it’s my place to tell you but he’s, well he’s better then expected. He’s okay.” She settled on as I nodded, accepting any information she was willing to give me about Liam. “I should go.”

I nodded numbly as she stood before I stood too and followed her to the door. Aria and Sarah loitered in the archway to the kitchen obviously not knowing what to do.

“Good luck, again, for your tour. I’m sure you will love America.” She said quickly, backing out the door. I nodded at her and smiled.

“Thanks Eleanor. It was nice meeting you.” I offered, moving forward to shut the door.

“Hopefully we will see each other again, soon.” She nodded at me, a hopeful look in her eye before she turned on her heel and headed down the hallway. I shut the door with a soft click and turned back to a worried Aria and Sarah. I chewed on my bottom lip, going over my conversation with Eleanor.

“So he’s okay?” Aria asked me.

“Yeah, he’s okay. And I’m okay. So we’re all just okay.” I took a deep breath and met their eyes. Okay had to be enough.