Just a Fool

One week later.

I was standing outside his house, my fist poised and ready to knock. I wasn’t sure what I was doing here. I had a party to get to in an hour and Mel was waiting in the car. I’m pretty sure she knew what I was going to do before I even knew it.

Come on, I said to myself, just fucking knock and stop being a pussy.

I closed my eyes and let my fist hit the door three times. I begged that he wasn’t there, but the car in the drive-way told me something else. I heard yelling behind the door and someone laughing. I was about to run away and hide, but my car was visible from the door steps. So I breathed in as his blue eyes met my brown ones.

“Evie?” He asked me, his smile vanishing.

“Why didn’t you show?” I said before I chickened out. His face fell and I watched as he ran his hands down his face. “I waited for you. And you left me, why did you leave me?” My bottom lip quivered and I knew the water-works were going to start. “I made dinner for you and you left me there.”

“Evie…” He said slowly.

“I waited for you to call me. I waited for a text, or even a letter and I never got one!”

“Please…you have to understand.”

“No!” I cried out, “I don’t have to. But what I know is that I was taken and you didn’t show up to…to…” I let out a sob and shook my head as I wiped at my face with the back of my hand. “Nev—never mind.” I choked out. “This was a bad idea.” I went to turn around and run back to the car, but he grabbed my bad arm and I let out a cry of pain. Immediately he let go.

“I’m so sorry!” He said as I turned around, his eyes wide. “Evie…I…” Before he could get out another word, I shook my head and ran away from him, back towards the car. “Evelyn!” He called out after me. When I got in, Mel was silent until I drove away.

“He was scared.” Mel whispered beside me.

“It doesn’t matter.” I whispered. “Just…can we talk about something else?” I said with a sniffle.

__

When Mel and I got to the house, the first thing I did was sneak up to his room. Amber told me he has been in his room for the past couple of days since I’ve been home. I knew what was wrong, but I just didn’t care. I made up my mind and knew that I was going to stick to it.

So when I got to his room, I didn’t even bother to knock I just walked in. He was sitting on his bed with his head in his hands, a nice shirt and a pair of nice jeans. On his feet were a pair of socks and he hasn’t put on his shoes. At the sound of the door his head turned towards it.

I noticed his hair was a lot longer than I remember it to me. I sighed and made my way towards the bed and sat down next to him. My shoes were bugging the fuck out of my feet but I ignored it as I looked at my hands. I didn’t say anything and neither did him for a few minutes. But he broke the silence.

“I was so scared when you went missing.” He murmured. I nodded and bit my lip as I tried to formulate what I wanted to say to him. “I prayed every night while you were gone.”

“I know.”

“So why didn’t you hug me, Evelyn?” I turned my head to see his hazel eyes, more blue than usual, gazing down at me. They were a bit raw, but I ignored them and told myself that this was the right thing to do.

“Because,” I said as I worked out what I needed to say. “Matt, I need someone I can count on.”

Matt’s eyes went wide. “You…you can’t count on me?” I bit my lip and shook my head no. “What do you mean, Evie?” I watched as he took this in, his chest rising and falling with his un-evened breathing. Instead of answering his question, though, I continued. The words began to flow out of my mouth without even a second though—and they felt right as the left me lips.

“For many years, Matt, I have made you the center of my world—and that was okay for me. But I can’t keep that. And though I get so mad at you sometimes, I always feel like I come back to you. It’s like I was chained to you—and I thought that it was okay.” I stopped for a second so I could gather myself—even though the words were right, that didn’t mean my heart wasn’t breaking—because it was and it hurt so fucking much. I breathed in and kept my eyes on him. “Mattie, I can’t keep letting you back into my life like it’s nothing—I always end up getting hurt in the end, and I-I can’t take it anymore.”

“Evie, I’ll change, please just don’t do what I think you’re going to do.”

“I tried for years,” I continued as if I hadn’t heard him, moving my eyes away from his to the floor beneath me. “I tried to get you to see that you are what I need—that you are all I need. And I thought that it was normal, but part of me realized that needing someone in a way like I need you and not having it returned…part of me realized that this isn’t how it is supposed to be.” I breathed in. “I thought that I was strong until Marcus came along, and when you were there you helped me when I didn’t even know how to help myself.”

“Evie…” Matt whispered painfully, hand hands finding my arm. I pulled away and got up off the bed.

“No, Matthew.” I said as I kept my eyes from tearing up. “From this moment on, we are no longer friends. I am done needing you and I am done trying to win your love. I will stay at this party for my family, but realize I don’t want you apart of it from now on.” I felt it harder to continue and it was getting harder to breathe. I felt like I was suffocating and I needed air. A sob broke loose and I covered my mouth with my hands as I whispered a goodbye and fled from his room.



Not for just that moment—but for the rest of my life.

__

I was sitting in the living room of my new condo that if I were to go on the small porch I could see the city of Hollywood. I was going through boxes of my stuff that still needed to be unpacked, but when I found one of my old photo albums I had stopped.

It’s been nearly three weeks since I stopped talking to Matt. I moved here a couple days ago and still haven’t unpacked everything I needed. Amber had moved in with me, and though I wished it were Mel, everything was good. She moved in with Zacky who was so excited to be having a little boy—he wanted to name him Zacky V Junior, but neither Mel nor I would allow it. I’ll be damned if my nephew had a name like that. And Mel was fucking huge.

I sighed as I flipped through the album. There were many of Matt when we were kids and each time I saw one, my stomach would fall and I would be holding back tears. I was sure I was making up my lip by now.

Subconsciously as I flipped through, my fingers would find my gunshot wound and itch it—it healed over well, but many time photographers would complain about having to Photoshop that and my other scars. I couldn’t even model for Victoria’s Secret because of how scared up my body is now, and that killed me.

Just as I was about to turn the page, the front door opened and Amber walked in. I looked up to see her talking away on cellphone to someone from school. I thought it was awesome that she was studying Criminal Justice or Law—whatever it was. I think she’s be a kick ass lawyer or some shit like that. I got an image of her in a police outfit and giggled as she kicked off her heels.

“Well, no, but the book says…” She trailed off, her eyes rolling as she came to sit down next to me. I imagined it being Cody, a new kid from school that has been dying to get her into his bed. “No, but that’s what it says, Cody.” Pause. “Well read the fucking book, you fucking idiot!” I laughed quietly as she clicked the phone and tossed it on out new white couch with a groan. “I swear he’s fucking stupid!”

I laughed. “Bottle of wine, lovely?” I asked. Her eyes lit up and she grinned.

“Fuck yes!”

__

There was a buzz from the intercom so I stood up and went to press the button to find out who it was. I laughed hysterically as Amber told me a story about what happened today in one of her classes and made my way to the door and pressed the button. “Maybe you should have just left the class then!” I joked before returning to the matter at hand. “Hello, Evelyn and Amber condo 63.”

“Evie?” I froze and my buzz was gone. I frantically looked over at Amber, whose eyes had gone wide. Her hair was in mid-bun and she looked at me.

“Chris?” She asked.

“Evie!” I heard a little voice shout from the little voicebox.

“Sadie?” I said, incredulously.

“Evelyn, can you let us in please?” I looked over at Amber, who was now grinning. She shook her head excitedly as I buzzed the door.

I looked into the mirror beside the door and fixed my hair and ran my hand along it to untangle the knots. Amber was picking up our take-out and was putting things away as fast she as she could. She kissed my cheek, told me she would be in the room just as there was a knock on the door.

With my heart beating fast, I opened it with a smile. Immediately a body flew into me and I struggled to stay upright. When I realize it was Sadie, I looked down at her and gawked. “Sadie!” I cried out as I bent down. “You’re so big! What has daddy been feeding you?”

She grinned. “Daddy told me I could be as tall and pretty as you if I ate my veggies!” She said with a grin. “Am I like you, Evie?” I looked up at Chris, who smiled sheepishly and mouthed ‘sorry’. I knew how much Sadie looked up to me—she was five, anyways.

I grinned up at him before looking down at the blue-eyed beauty. “Even prettier.” I said with a smile. She grinned up at me and ran past me. I shook my head with a laugh as I made room for Chris to walk in.

“I’m sorry to show up like this.” He said. I shut the door behind him and looked at him—really looked at him. It’s been months since I’ve seen him last and somehow he looks older—his hair was a lot shorter and he had some facial hair coming on. He was tanner, too.

“It’s fine.” I said with a smile as I made my way to the kitchen. “Can I get you some water…coffee?” I asked.

“No,” He said, “I would like you to come sit here on the couch with me. I think we need to talk.” Slowly I made my way towards him. Sadie was sitting on the floor, playing with the bear she’s had for years. He hair was down and curly and I couldn’t help but notice how well kept she was. “I was granted custody.” He said and it broke me out of my gaze.

“What?” I asked, incredulous. “Full custody?” He was grinning so much it met his eyes. “That’s great, Chris! I’m happy for you!” Chris smiled before he removed his hands from his knees to grab one of mine.

“That’s not why I’m here, Evelyn.” My heart jumped into my throat. “I wanted to say I was a coward.”

“Chris…” I began.

“No, let me finish.” I watched as his eyes went from mine down to our hands and up to my face again. He looked sincere and it seems like he’s been doing a lot of thinking. “I was scared you would leave me, Evie. And I really grew to enjoy our time together—I even think I was falling in love.” A gasp fell from my lips and he chuckled.

“Chris, I was with you and I would have stayed with you.”

“I know,” He said. “You’re just that type of person—always putting others before yourself.” He smiled. “Which is why I am here; I was selfish when I ran out—even when I didn’t show. I didn’t want to get hurt like I had with my ex-fiancé. I should have known that you weren’t that type of person.”

“I told him I loved him.” I said without thinking.

“Amber told me and I think that is why I didn’t show up—I was almost positive that he would realize it, too.”

“It was too late,” I whispered back. “It is too late.” I looked down at our joined hands and realized how much of a perfect fit they were. He removed his hand from mine then and instead it came up to cup my face gently, as if I were glass and he was afraid to break me.

“Is it late now?” He whispered as his face got closer. “Is it too late for me?”

I let a laugh escape my lips and watched as his came closer to mine.