If You Only Knew

We slowly departed and I felt nothing but warmth and contempt with him. It was perfect once again. Me and him just like how its always been since I met him here at the creek. I will never forget this man, he is my love and my soul. This blond short haired man will always be with me until the end. Or at least I thought he would…

We sat there for a awhile thinking about the events that had just happened. We talked for hours with each other and how we couldn’t deal without being close to one another. I noticed the change in him, he wasn’t so interested. I don’t know how to explain, he just seemed out of it with me. I could understand, its because of what we had been through, but I was still fine. He would stare off and sometimes not hear what I had said or he would just automatically interrupt me. I was beginning to get disappointed with him. Why is he acting like this?

“Um…Frank,” Gerard says breaking our comfortable silence. I look at him, “Yeah?” I wait for him to continue. “Um…”

-Gerard’s Pov-

I cant do this! No I cant! I will break him! I feel so bad. Why the fuck Gerard?! Why! I cant just blow him off no I cant! This kid has been through too fucking much! But he brought me along with it. No he didn’t what the fuck are you saying?! I just kept glancing at him as he peacefully watched the water flow through the creek. He still so beautiful to me, always will be, never will I stop thinking he’s beautiful to me. I finally managed to build up my courage.
“Um…Frank,” I hear myself say, Fuck! don’t do it, back off, forget about it, you still have time!
“Yeah?” he says to me, waiting for what I’m about to say. I felt like my heart was in my throat, ready for me to gag.
“Um..” I start, but stop, nice Gerard very nice. “Um…I want to talk to you about something,” I continue, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Gerard shut up!
“What about?” he asks me. I just stare into his beautiful hazel eyes, I could get lost in them. I almost forgot what I was about to say. Why do I have to love him so much?
“Frank,” I choke out finally, “ I cant do this anymore,” I am on the verge of tears. I see his face turn into confusion. “What do you mean?” he asks. My god Gerard why? Why didn’t you shut your trap!
“ Us,” I hear myself say. I’m going to break, but I kept it strong. I see his face fall into confusion, hurt, and maybe anger? I don’t know, but he seriously looks like he’s about to cry. I feel really bad. I just cant be with him anymore, all I do is hurt him. I got him into this trouble in the first place. If it wasn’t for me being with Darrell, none of this would have happened.
“Ger-Ger-Gerard, why are you saying this?” he chokes out in confusion and pain. I want to hug him, I really do really bad, but I can’t or else he will get the wrong idea. I snort inside my head, well I was with him duh. He loves me still, I know it, I love him still, I won’t deny it.
“ I keep hurting you,” I say to him, tears streaming down his face like waterfalls now. God you don’t know how much this is hurting me, more than its hurting him.
“NO! never! Your not hurting me! I will do anything Gerard! I need you , please don’t leave me! I’m sorry! Its all my fault! Your feeling guilty, because of me!” he begs to me.
I lost, I broke into tears, he’s blaming himself for my faults. He’s pleading for me to stay, what a broken soul. I need him just as much as he needs me. He’s crying and sobbing hysterically. I’m sorry Frankie, but this is the right thing to do.
“I’m so sorry,” I hear myself say barely above a whisper. “I’m so sorry, so so sorry,” I kept saying. Until my heart would just bleed to death hoping he would still claim it.
“It doesn’t have to be this way,” he says to me, still sniffling. “Frankie it’s the right thing to do,” I reply. His face was shattered from hope. I broke him, I broke him badly. I stand up and look down on him. He’s looking at me with his pleading beautiful hazel eyes. Begging, hurting, and so so desperate.
I need to get away from him as far as possible. “Frankie,” I say, he just stares at me in pure disbelief.
“I will always love you, trust me, I do, but you don’t deserve me, I keep hurting you and bringing you into danger, I ruined your life,” I explain. He just stared at me still bewildered.
“No,” was all he says after my whole explanation. He then stands up and faces me with all his strength. I’m so touched at his courage, he will still fight for me, no has ever done that, he will do anything to have me still. He’s so broken, yet he still has strength. Which makes my love for him grow stronger. I cant do this though, I need away…NOW!

“I love you Gerard! You cant just throw me away that easily!” he starts, “For once in my life I found somebody who actually loves me, besides my mom, but you are the one who loves me, wanted me, craved for me, you wanted everything of me! But your throwing me away! How could you? Why would you do that! Your not hurting anybody but yourself Gerard! Please believe me! Your making it harder for yourself than your making it harder for me!” he says to me, crying even harder. I felt hot tears run down my face, but didn’t defend myself, why? Because he was right, everything he said was right. I do love him and it is hard for me. I just need to get away from him before it gets any worse.
“Frankie,” I finally say after he finished, I walked up to him and engulfed him in my arms, he cried into my chest and sobbed . He held on to me, making sure I wont go, but I need to.
I pull him away from my chest and looked into his hazel eyes once again.

“Don’t ever think I don’t love you, because I do, I don’t care if you say I’m not hurting you, but I am, I’m not going to deny that I love you very much, I do crave for you, I always want you, but now, but now its time for me to go, because I cant stand seeing you like this, its hurting me, its killing me, I need you to live your life without me in the picture, I’ll just keep ruining it” I say, he started crying even harder.

“Remember Frankie, Don’t be afraid to keep on living, don’t be afraid to walk this world alone, honey if you stay I’ll be forgiven, nothing you can say will stop me from coming home,” my final words to him. He just looked at me with the most hurt face I could ever imagine. With that I kissed his forehead and slowly walked away, turning my back against him, not looking back to see if he would come running.