If You Only Knew

I sat there for days, thinking, always thinking. That word was sickening me. Think. Remembering was replacing it now. Memories grew stronger. My mind would replay all the things me and Gerard had done, why would he do that? Why would he leave me? Was it because I was awful? Was it because I started to look ugly? Was it because I let so many people fuck me? That had to be it. I was a whore. I was a stupid useless whore.

I started to cry and sat by the creek for days now turning into weeks. Gerard had no intention on coming back to me. He was staying away from my awful self, he was sick of me, tired of my cries, tired of my stupid weakness, I couldn’t defend myself. Hell I couldn’t even defend him.

I hadn’t really ate, I went to the store and bought a couple things, always coming back with a lost appetite. It left me and it was no longer useful to me. I sat there staring down the creek, where we made love next to that wonderful waterfall.
The memories hurt more than anything. I know I was hurting myself, I was destroying myself thinking about him. I had to stop and move on, but that was the problem, I couldn’t.

I felt the tears come down my face, but no emotion was there. I was stone cold, just letting myself cry for no apparent reason. I let myself bleed just to make sure I was still alive. I would stare at the sky and see nothing but blank white clouds and blue skies. They had no meaning at all to them. They were just there, like me. I was just there, to be used and beaten on, to be looked down on, to be forgotten about.

I finally found the strength to stand up again. I whimpered from the pain in my stomach. I hear my stomach growl really loud. I ignored it and slowly walked out of the woods into the clearing that leads to my house. I haven’t been in there since I had escaped with Gerard. That was like three weeks ago. It hurt to look at it, it was run down and empty again. No love was cast upon it. I made my way to the back door and opened it, finally stepping in my home once again. Everything was the same except the few turned over furniture that Jimmy and Darrell probably applied to since they were fighting.

I headed my way up to my room, like a zombie. Not knowing what I was doing or looking for. Everything was still the same except no Jimmy or Darrell, I was glad though, I want to be alone…forever. If I cant have Gerard and Gerard didn’t want me. I don’t want anybody and I don’t want anybody to want me. I made my way into my room and everything was still the same. I looked around and walked to my closet.
I pealed off the clothes I had been wearing for three weeks and grabbed fresh ones along with boxers. I headed to the bathroom and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
I looked disgusting. My eyes were red and puffy from crying to much, my hair was oily and greasy from no shower. I had mud and dirt on my face and hands. My body was too skinny, I could see my ribcage. I turned away disgusted with myself and turned on the hot water. I’m surprised the stuff still works around here, since no one pays the bills. I slipped under the warm water, feeling increasingly better.

-Time Lapse of shower-

I step out feeling completely cleansed. I put on my clean clothes and walked back into my room. I sat on my bed staring at the wall. Dust filled the air and I could care less if I died in here. I heavily breathed and sighed in contempt. My thoughts wandered back to Gerard, I was getting pretty annoyed with the fact I cant forget about him. I suddenly felt a burst of anger and guilt. I clenched my fists and stood up. I stared at the tall glass I had on my dresser. It read “The House of Blues” on it, where I had seen my first ‘Weezer’ concert. I grabbed it and threw it at the wall. “I hate you!” I screamed out. I cried and sobbed in my hands.

“Frank?” I hear someone say. I quickly looked up at see Gerard standing in the doorway. His eyes full of concern and pain. “Frank are you okay? I’m sorry. I love you,” he says. I felt tears run down my cheeks. I quickly stood up and ran to him. I opened my arms and was so close to him again. I was happy because I was close to him, about to wrap my arms around him. As soon as I got closer, he disappeared. He vanished in thin air. I stopped at stared at the space that Gerard had occupied.
I started crying again, I was hallucinating. I was going crazy. I knew I was. I cant take this anymore. I fell to my knees and sobbed into the floor. Cursing and punching at it. Telling it awful things that weren’t true. I finally stopped crying after about an hour. I laid there face planted onto the floor. I was sniffling and wiping my face constantly.
“Why?” I croaked out. “Why Gerard?” my cracked voice spoke out. I was broken and defeated. No one can mend my broken heart like Gerard. He was the only one who could figure me out. Comfort me. Tell me things that I love. Understand me. Most of all, most of all…love me.

But it seemed so long ago that happened. All I had now was to remember.