Time Is Ticking

♥♠♣Luka♥♠♣

There was so much water. It was everywhere. I couldn’t breathe. I watched her as she lay unconscious in the seat beside me. I screamed her name. I shook her, yet she wouldn’t move. But I knew she wasn’t gone. I knew it.
Then as if she finally felt the water her eyes shot open. I called to her and she reached for me. I tried to catch her. But her hand slipped out of my grip...

I shot my eyes open and looked to see where I was. Still in my room I sighed. I looked around and found my book in my lap. I must have fallen asleep while reading. I flinched. The same horrifying dream has tormented me for months now. Nothing will make it go away. Nothing.
That day haunts me in my sleep now. I’d think it gets enough. Everywhere I look I am reminded of that disaster that took place. It was my entire fault; it was all because of me. The guilt is eating me alive. Literally. It’s only a matter of time now.
I climbed out of my loft and slipped on my house shoes. I walked over to the book case and placed the book I was reading where it needed to go. I heard a knock at my door.
“Luka dear, supper is ready.” My mom whispered through the door. I tapped my foot twice to tell her that I heard. Mom really lays off on the conversation around me because she knows she won’t get a word out of me. She tried to get me to talk once, but the best it did was make me write her a note.
I collected my thoughts, pushing all the horrors to the back of my mind so I didn’t have a mental breakdown at the table, like last week. I slipped down the stairs, not even caring that if I wasn’t carful I’d fall and possibly break something.
As I entered the room my mom and sister glanced at me for a moment before they went on to look elsewhere. I knew that living with someone who doesn’t speak must be awkward for them, especially when that person used to be the most talkative person in the whole bunch. They’d get used to it though, or so I hope.
I sat down at the table and forced a smile of acknowledgement to them. Then my sister, Laurie, said thank you to mom for the food and I nodded in agreement with her. Then we dug into the meal with great pleasure. Tonight’s menu consisted of nicely cooked steak and fresh corn on the cob. It was simply delicious. My mom was an amazing cook. She always has been. I rarely eat anyone but my mom’s cooking because I have such high expectations for my food.
I was basically swallowing my food, not even taking real time to chew it. My mom took this as the compliment it was.
“I’m glad you like it Luka!” She said cheerily. She loves it when she is praised for her cooking. She’s like a child who likes to get paid in chocolate when they do something good. I smiled back at her.
“Are you excited for school again Luka?” My mom asked me. I looked at her with horror. Who just asks a sixteen year old such a question? Has she lost her mind? She caught my look and giggled a bit. “I know, I was just trying to make conversation.” She said her smile dropping.
As my mom and I exchanged words and expressions, Laurie let out a frustrated sigh. My mom and I looked at her with confused looks. She glared at me and I decided to glare back. There was no reason for this sudden change in attitude.
“Laurie, what’s the matter honey?” Mom asked her. Laurie didn’t answer her. She kept looking at me.
“What makes you so special Luka?” She exclaimed. I looked at her in shock and anger. Me, special, I don’t think so. What the hell could she be talking about? She caught my look of utter confusion.
“So you wanna play dumb? How come you get all the sympathy, all the pity, huh? How come you get all the attention? I bet that’s all you want.” She snapped at me. There was a sharp pain in my chest, something that happens now. I put a hand to my chest, my breath coming in short, quick pants.
“Laurie!” Mom hissed at her, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be rude!”
“No mom! This isn’t fair. Ever since a few months ago he’s taken himself away from this family! He doesn’t contribute, he doesn’t do anything. And all he gets is smiles and thank you? If I were to do that I’d get yelled at and grounded. But he gets a free pass? That isn’t fair.” Laurie said.
She thought I had it easy? She doesn’t go to sleep every night to just submerge her mind in the most horrible moment in life. She doesn’t close her eyes and see her loves face, first in joy, then in pain, and then lifeless, gone and never to return. She doesn’t know how it feels, to be so, hurt and broken, that you just want to die, just to try and repent for the deed that you deem must have been her fault. She doesn’t know, and I bet she never will.
My mind was blank, yet it was racing. My heart rate was rising and my chest was tight. My head was spinning, flashing scenes from the dream that I was having just moments ago.
The ambulance, the blood, the water, the greatest feeling of loss that I will ever feel in my life, it all rushed back, nearly knocking me out of my chair.
“Your selfish Luka if that’s all that this little show is for. You think you’ve got everyone fooled, but I see right through your game. You’re just a brat that wants unneeded attention.” Laurie hissed at me.
“Laurie! What has gotten into you?” Mom asked her. There was anger in her young features. It was odd, seeing my mom mad. She never really got mad.
“If you’re so guilty Luka then why don’t you just follow her and then you can be together, and not be guilty anymore? No one wants you here anyway.” She spat. Mom shot up from her seat and struck her hard across her cheek.
“Laurie! How could you say something like that to him?” Mom exclaimed. I bowed my head in hurt and pain. Fresh tears stung at my eyes and threatened to spill, but mom didn’t need to see that. She didn’t need to see how scarred I still was.
I flashed my mom a quick smile as I stood up from my seat. I quickly bounded up the stairs, the tears spilling over because of the ever so fresh memory. I got to my room and locked my door, just shutting off the light. I stood there in the dark of my room, tears rolling down my cheeks like someone left the faucet of my eyes on.
I couldn’t believe that she’d go so far as to say those things to me, no, those could have been expected, but the way her words affected me, it was unbearable. Maybe Laurie is right, maybe I should follow her. Then I won’t have to be like this.
An emotional tidal wave that’s ready to destroy everything in its wake.