The Person Within Me

I had opposite opinions about adaptation; on one side I was so glad it existed because without it I wouldn´t have survived the last few days of my shared time, but on the other I hated the fact that I had to adapt to Eva being there all the time because it meant there was no way out of it.

Most of all, I hated that I had already adapted to her. It seemed somewhat normal to me having her there sharing her stupid opinions with me when she the last thing I wanted was for her input in my life. I found myself answering to her more often than not and I had learned to control my expression every time she spoke, to hide my response to her from everyone else.

It also seemed as though Eva had learned to be the one on the background; she hadn´t taken control of me since that one time. And I still didn’t know what she had done that day, I got some ideas about it by the way other people treated me- for instance, the way Sam refused to talk to me- but other than that, I was in the blue. And Eva loved that. I tried to get information out of her so many times, but she wouldn’t say anything; she enjoyed my uncertainty.

I was still terrified with everything that had happened, and I was terrified of what Eva was capable of doing to me if I wasn’t able to hold her down. After working all my life in making of myself someone unimportant and invisible- boring and dull, Eva called it-, someone who had control over everything and nothing ever slipped through my supervised cracks; the appearance of Eva in my life meant nothing of that mattered.

Because no matter how much I tried to keep things under control, one hour with Eva on front was all it took to destroy it all.

Out of all the differences that I noticed after my blackout, there were two that stood out; Hunter and Tyler.

Tyler. The difference I´d sense in him was so subtle I barely missed it. It wasn’t a big change in our conversations or that maybe he sought me out in the hallway. But, since I observed him so closely, of course I noticed the way he turned his head often in class to joke about what the teacher was saying or to point at someone in the classroom that was sitting in a funny position. It was also the way I sometimes caught him looking at me during lunch while I sat with Hunter.

Whenever I had History class Eva got annoyed and tried to ruin my short forty-five minutes in paradise.

He´s playing with you, she often said. But I never agreed with her, there was nothing to play with. And how was I supposed to believe she was trying to help me, her very existence was a reminder of everything that was wrong with me.

And, when she felt mean instead of irritated, she liked to remind me of the fact that he had changed after my blackout, which meant something she did had been pleasant enough for him to want more.

I tried to ignore that too.

Hunter had changed somehow, or maybe I had changed in that day that made him feel like it was okay to move closer to me. He had always been cocky and playful, but it felt different now; it was something about the way he looked at me and the way butterflies went wild in my stomach when I saw him. At first I didn’t understand why I reacted like that to him. But it didn’t take me too long to realize, to pay attention and see, that it wasn’t really me the one that reacted like that; it was Eva.

It scared me more than anything else the idea that Eva might feel something for him, for my oldest friend who had done nothing but make my life easier. Why would she try to ruin it by making him believe things that weren’t real?

They´re very real, honey, Eva said. Don’t fool yourself; whatever I feel, you feel. I´m just another part of you.

I always ignored her when she said stuff like that, I couldn’t bear to think that the only reason all of this was happening was because I could never accept a part of myself that I had decided to overlook.

But why him? I asked her. There are a hundred other guys in school, why did you have to set your eyes in him?

Eva scoffed. You would prefer me liking someone like Tyler?

The thought made me angry. No, I did not want her laying her eyes on Tyler. The simple thought of having her close to him while she was in control made me want to strangle her. She was ruining everything and she was having a damn good time doing it, I wasn’t going to let her ruin that too.

Besides, I don’t know how you want me to look at someone else, she went on. Hunter´s the one I´ve been seeing all this time while you refused to acknowledge me. Just look at him.

I obliged her and looked up from my sandwich; Hunter was sitting right across from me staring at a notebook with concentration and at the sight of his furrowed eyebrows my stomach lurched with an unwanted excitement.

Stop it! I told her.

She laughed but didn’t say much more, she was waiting for him to turn to me when he felt the weight of my stare. When he did, he raised an eyebrow expectantly. Trying to cover my real thoughts, I said, “you seem troubled.”

He closed his notebook and grabbed the remains of my sandwich which he well knew I wouldn’t eat. “You seem anxious again, like you´re trying really hard to hide something from me.”

He had been thinking about me?

Eva was both happy and annoyed. She liked that he acknowledged the differences she made in me, and she loved knowing that she was succeeding at making a mess out of me. But, just like me, she didn’t want anyone to know about her. She knew it could mean her end.

Maybe I should tell someone, I though, and get rid of you.

Oh, Shiloh, she said with mischief, but how can you be sure it won´t be you the one leaving?

I wanted to scoff out loud, but in reality I had never thought of it and the possibility made my hands tremble under the table. That´s not going to happen, this is my life.

Eva clicked her tongue. That is not true, this body belong to me just as much as if does to you.

“Shiloh,” Hunter called, unaware that the girl inside my head was practically declaring war to me, “don´t avoid the answer.”

“What?” I had already forgotten what he had said.

He frowned, serious now. “Is everything okay with you? You´ve been acting kind of strange lately.”

And which one of us do you think will keep a stronger hold of the body?

There was no doubt in my mind that the answer was her. No matter if my claim to my life was larger; I was not strong enough to fight her off.

I shook my head, to both Hunter and Eva, and tried to focus on him. “I´m alright, I just feel like some things have changed around me. Like, Sam´s seems to hate me and you… you act different.”

Hunter raised both eyebrows, amused. “Me, different?” I nodded. “You must be hallucinating,” he said, shaking his head with a chuckle.

I tried to fake a smile while, inside my head, Eva gave a laugh of delight. The bell that signaled the end of lunch and desperate to get away, I scrambled to my feet and looked around the cafeteria. Again, Tyler was staring at me from across the room and the reaction my body had was all mine this time.

“Hey, how do you wanna do it tonight?” Hunter asked and I had to look away from Tyler as I frowned at my friend. “Do you want me to pick you up?”

“What about tonight?”

He rolled his green eyes. “C´mon, the party! Don’t tell me you´re gonna back out now.”

“I didn’t agree to go to any party,” I said narrowing my eyes.

Hunter didn’t like the way I tried to get away from it. “Of course you did, on Tuesday I told you about the party at Kyla´s and you agreed to come. Don´t act stupid, Shiloh.”

Tuesday, of course it was Tuesday. I should´ve imagined Eva would find a way into getting me to one of the things I most despised; I always felt so uncomfortable. You´re welcome, she smirked.

I sighed. “I´m sorry, Hunter I completely forgot. I don’t I´ll go, though, I don´t really feel like partying tonight.”

“You never feel like partying,” he argued standing up as well, “but you need to get out more, or else you´ll go crazy with your thoughts as your only company.”

Oh, you have no idea. The irony of his words was like a slap in the face.

“Fine, I´ll think about it,” I said, thinking that perhaps the only reason why I had gone mad was because I was alone so much.

&&

My last class of the day was History and as I entered a few minutes later than I normally did, I noticed Tyler was already in his seat and my heart dropped to the floor when he looked up at me with expectant eyes.

Oh my God, what had Eva said to him? Eva remained pleasantly silent in the back of my head, for once refusing to take part in my time with Tyler.

“So, I heard you´re going to the party tonight,” he said with a grin.

I took my seat as my heartbeat went back to normal. “Oh, I might. I´m not sure yet.” He raised an eyebrow. “Parties are not really my thing.”

He laughed. “Yeah, I´ve noticed that. But you should come, I´ve never seen you outside of school. We could hang out.”

Eva groaned and I almost gasped out loud. Years, we had years of knowing each other and he was suddenly interested in hanging out. I wanted to be happy, I was happy, but there was a part of me- called Eva- that didn’t accept his spontaneity.

“I could pick you up if you want,” he added shrugging his shoulders. False nonchalance, Eva accused unsurprised.

Shut up, I told her.

She rolled her eyes. You can´t go with him, what will Hunter think?

He can´t think anything of it, we´re not dating, I argued.

No, but he was the one who told you to go, Tyler only asked when he already knew you would be going.

I didn’t want to listen to her, but she was right. And Hunter was my best friend; the last thing that I wanted was to make him feel like I preferred Tyler over him. So I shook my head and smiled. “No, thanks. I think I´ll meet you there.”

Tyler wasn’t expecting that answer, but the simple idea that such a predictable girl like me was surprising him was much better. I tried to control the expression of despair that wanted to swallow my face; since Eva had come my life was anything but predictable.

&&

I told Hunter that I would meet him at the party as well; I didn’t want to give Eva any reason to try to make him think the night was something it wasn’t. But when I got there and I made my way through the small groups of people in the front lawn and I opened the front door I could hardly remember why I had agreed to go in the first place.

The music was too loud and the smell of cigarettes and sweat was too strong; I blinked hard twice and looked around as a slight pain found the back of my head and I could feel Eva better than ever. She glowed with excitement, and I could already feel a small trembling in my fingers.

What the hell had I gotten myself into?