Let the Walls Fall Down

It’s been a few days since I’ve been back in LA and since Selena’s accident. I honestly don’t know how to process it all; my best friend is stuck in 2009. I’m thankful it’s the part of the year that she still cared about me, because I don’t think I would be able to handle it if she was in the middle or end of the year where we had our falling out. I couldn’t lose her all over again. That time period was really hard on me, even though I didn’t give a rats ass that she cut herself out of my life at the time, after I got healthy it shattered a piece of my soul. I was so mean to her and all she ever wanted to do was help me. The day she called me when I was in the treatment center meant the world to me because I thought I would have to grovel for forgiveness. But she has always been a better person than me and she put all the past aside to make sure I was okay. It was that phone call that made me believe that I could get through everything.

I was sitting on my bedroom floor with my clothes splattered across the floor. I was leaving for Texas in a couple days for the holidays and I honestly don’t feel very festive. I want to see my family and friends there, and hopefully I can make time to go see Selena but the holidays seem dull right now since the events that have happened. Alex still hasn’t broken up with Debby and I’m getting the feeling that he never will. He promised he would especially after what he tweeted that day about making things right, but I think he’s getting caught up in becoming a dad and has forgotten all about me.

I was folding some clothes when I heard a knock at the door. I groaned in frustration and threw the shirt in my suitcase to get up. I had no idea who would be coming over right now since I know for a fact that Dallas is packing and Selena is in Texas, not many people know where I live and I like it that way. When I finally got to my door and opened it I was shocked to see Alex standing there. “Look, I appreciate what you did for me in Baltimore, but it doesn’t change a thing. You’re still with Debby, you’re still going to be a dad and I’m taking a page from Selena’s book, I won’t come second best to anyone. So please just leave me alone.”

I went to close the door because it hurt to see him. When we were in Baltimore he was so wonderful to me. I had a complete breakdown the night we left Selena at the hospital. And he just held me in his arms until I was done crying. I knew he wanted to go comfort Brian because he was more hurt than I was considering that Selena has no idea who he was, but he stayed with me until I fell asleep. He ran his fingers through my hair and whispered comforting words to me until sleep overcame me. I couldn’t thank him enough for him being there for me, but I just can’t look into his beautiful eyes and not get lost in them and want to kiss his soft lips and never let him leave my sight. But I have to because he’s not mine to have so I have to let him go once and for all. Alex had other plans though because he stopped the door from closing then pushed it open, forcefully.

I took a couple steps back and looked at him wide eyed. I was scared, because he’s never been so forceful with me. Alex was the sweetest guy on the planet. He walked inside, not taking his eyes off of mine, and then closed the door behind him. He took a step toward me and I took one back, this happened a couple times more before he got fed up and grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. I stumbled a bit but he kept me steady. As soon as I was pressed up against his body, his lips met mine. I expected him to kiss me with as much force as he used to get into my apartment, but surprisingly this kiss was soft and slow. My brain was screaming at me to stop this, but my body and heart didn’t want to stop. I wrapped my arms around his neck and melted into him.

Alex slowly ran his hands down my sides, sending shivers down my spine. His hands finally settled on the backs of my thighs, grabbing them tightly and lifting me up. As soon as my legs were securely around his waist he walked over to my couch and sat down, letting me straddle him. Our lips never once parted, our kiss just intensified. This felt like a fantasy. A fantasy I never wanted to stop. Since the day that Selena found the pictures of me and Alex, my body has ached for his touch. I wanted his lips on mine, all over my body. I wanted to feel his hands caressing my skin. I could feel the heat radiating off of me as Alex rubbed circled on the exposed skin on my hips. When I felt his fingers trail up underneath my shirt I finally came to my senses. I put my hands flat against his chest and pulled away.

“We can’t do this. This isn’t you, you are not a cheater. And I won’t be the other girl.” I shook my head.

“You’re not the other girl, Demi. You’ve always been the only girl in my eyes.” He said pushing my bangs behind my ear. “I’m so sorry that I haven’t broken up with Debby like I promised, but it’s hard enough to break up with a girl let alone a girl who is pregnant with your baby. I have no idea how to do that. Plus she’s been dodging me lately for some reason, maybe because she knows it’s coming and wants to avoid it. And I won’t be one of those assholes who breaks up with a girl in a text or a voicemail.”

I sighed and moved so I was now sitting on the couch. “I understand, I really do, but like I have told you time and time again it hurts too much to continue seeing you when we can’t be doing what we were just doing. I want to take the high road and say I would rather have our friendship than nothing, but my heart can’t handle it. Every time I see you I want you to wrap me up in your arms and never let me go. And that can’t happen as long as you’re with her.”

“I promise you that day will come, and when it does you’ll get sick of me because I won’t ever let you go. I will spend every waking moment telling you and showing you how much you mean to me, how much that I love you.” he smiled at me and he brushed his fingers against my cheek. “I’ll always love you, I have loved you then and I love you now.” he started to say but stopped when I started laughing. He cocked his head to the side and looked at me confused.

“You’re so lame.” I laughed again and he still looked at me confused. I know I probably look like a complete bitch for laughing at me when he’s professing his love for me, but I remember these words from something I had read before. “I love you means I loved you before the word was defined. Since before life existed. It means that I will love you even when earth is stardust, scattering across infinite space. I love you means you are felt and not just heard.”

His eyes widened with surprise and what I had just said. “You’ve read it before?” he questioned. You see what he started to say and why I laughed is because everything we had just said was a blog he had written a while ago. Brian sent it to me after his birthday party along with a couple other things that he thought would help persuade me that Alex still in fact loves me.

I nodded and bit my lip trying to hide my smile. “Brian e-mailed it to me a while ago. I thought it would help me know that you do love me.”

“So you read it and memorized it?” he smiled, I think I detect some red tent to his cheeks.

“Your words were beautiful. I read the blog about a thousand times. My favorite part was; I love you means that your scars and your triumphs are both one in the same.” I looked down at my arm where there were my uncovered scars. I usually put cover up on them so no one can see them.

Alex picked up my arm and ran his fingertips over my scars then traced the word Strong that was tattooed on my wrist. Then he brought my arm to his lips and kissed each and every scar. “Your scars are beautiful to me.” his whispered.

“Why is that?” I furrowed my eyebrows. No one has ever said that to me before.

“Because it shows that you have lived and survived the pain that was thrown at you. You are incredibly strong. These scars paint a story and that story means a lot to me.” he told me in complete honesty.

“Alexander.” I said in a playful tone.

He groaned and threw his head against the back of the couch. “Don’t say my full name; you know what that does to me.”

I giggled, “It turns you on, I know I did it on purpose.”

He looked over at me without lifting up his head and glared at me. “Evil little girl.”

“Well you’re turning me on with all of your sweet words. I had to get even the best way I knew how.” I stuck out my tongue.

“How are we going to do this? We can’t stay away from each other, but we can’t be around each other without hurting. Debby is avoiding me and will be in Texas tomorrow and will be there through the holidays. So this is going to strung out until after the New Years.” He said then ran his hands down his face in frustration.

“I guess that’s our out.” I shrugged. “We’ll have a few weeks away from each other, away from temptation. And once the holidays are over you can make your choice to break up with her or not and do it. Then we all can move on.”

“Can I at least text you while we are apart?” he asked. He looked like a lost little boy, so cute and innocent.

“I would be offended if you didn’t.” I smiled at him.

“So what else did Brian e-mail you?” he asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Well you know that the night of his party he had me read your response to Catch Me. A few days later he sent me that blog you wrote about what I Love You means and he also sent me the audio for Crown.” I told me. I felt my cheeks heat up so I know he can tell that I am now blushing.

“I meant every word.” He smiled at me then poked my nose with his index finger. “Can we please just spend one afternoon together? Before we have to go back to this horrid reality? I promise I won’t kiss you again, I just want to cuddle and watch a movie.” His eyes pleaded with me. It was like this would be the last time we would ever see each other and that scared me.

“I’ll whip out the Disney movies.” I smiled. I got up and went over to my DVD shelf and pulled out Lion King 2 and put it on. Then I went over and sat down next to Alex, as the movie started he pulled my legs over his. I cuddled right into his chest. I wish we could stay like this forever, but in a few short hours we’ll have to go back to reality. As of right now though, I’m going to stay in this blissful bubble and forget that the world around us exists.

At some point during the movie we ended up lying down. Alex held me close to his body and occasionally ran his fingers through my hair. “I wish this didn’t have to end.” He whispered as the credits started to roll.

“Me either, but we both have lives to get back to.” I sighed, trying to hold it together. “You could always come to Texas with me, break up with Debby then you can come with me and my friend Marissa to Mexico.” I joked.

“As much as that sounds appealing, we both know I can’t. I have to go see my family, and I am scared of her family.” He chuckled sadly. “Speaking of Texas though, how is Selena?”

“She’s okay, I think. I talked to her this morning and she seemed off like something was bothering her but she wouldn’t say.” I said as I intertwined our fingers. “How’s Brian?”

“Going through hell. And has horrible as it sounds, it’s doing his band’s next record pretty epic. This is possibly the worst thing he’s gone through in a relationship and you can tell by the songs he’s writing.” He told me.

“Pain always makes the best lyrics.” I stated as I reluctantly sat up. I knew if I didn’t then I would never let Alex leave my apartment.

“I guess I should go, before we both lock that door and become pod people.” Alex laughed as he sat up. All I could do was nod because I feared if I opened my mouth to say something I would either tell him to stay, or start to cry. Neither I could do.

We both stood up and hugged each other. “2013 will be our year.” He promised as he kissed my forehead.

“2013.” I whispered.

After Alex left, I turned off the movie and my TV. Once I was in my bedroom, I broke down crying. I couldn’t even finish packing; I just laid in my bed and cried. I eventually cried myself to sleep. Around three in the morning I woke up. I decided to go on twitter, I was scrolling through my newsfeed when I came across something that Alex posted five hours ago.

@alexanderdeleon your scars are not ugly. They are proof that you cried and refused to let your tears hit the ground.

This brought a smile to my face. I hit the button for me to compose a tweet.

For the first time in my life I am not ashamed of my scars. Internal and external. These scars have only made me a stronger person.

After I hit tweet, I exited the app and turned off my phone. This time I fell asleep with a smile on my face. I finally feel like everything is going to work out.