Let the Walls Fall Down

I am finally back at home and this is where I want to stay for a while. I know it’s silly for a twenty year old girl to just want to curl up on her momma’s lap and cry. But I am a big momma’s girl and that’s why I am lying on the couch with my head on my momma’s lap as she runs her fingers through my hair and we watch sappy chick flicks. I have no idea why girls watch chick flicks after getting their heart broken, but we do, it makes things sort of better. Though I am as depressed I let on, Brian helped me out. And no I am not talking about the sex, though that did help a lot, but we have been texting each other and it’s making me forget about how Justin broke my heart.

“You really should get out of the house, sweetie. Wallowing in the house is gonna make you sick.” My mom told me. I know she is worried about me after Demi called her and told her that I wasn’t doing so well. I’m thankful she didn’t tell her that I nearly cut myself because that would have been bad. I don’t blame Demi for calling my mom; I sometimes wish I had the nerve to do that when I watched her spiral out of control years ago. But she always told me that she would be fine, and I thought if I helped her that she would be. I never should have let it go because she could have gotten better long ago. I’m just glad that she is in a better place now. I would be beyond lost if something had happened to her.

I groaned, “I don’t want to go out. The paparazzi will find me and I don’t want to deal with them and their questions.”

“Then at least have some of your friends come over or something.” She persuaded. I wish Priscilla could have come back to LA with me, but she had to get back to Texas to her work. As much as I love my job, I wish I could be in Texas all the time and be with my family.

“I don’t know, maybe.” I sighed and focused back on The Notebook.

Awhile later there was a knock at the door causing all the dogs to start barking. “I’ll get it.” my step-dad, Brian, called from the kitchen. I heard him talk to someone before he entered the living room nervously. The look on his face made me nervous. “There’s someone here to see you.” he told me.

I sat up and held the blanket to my chest as I started at him. I know Justin was due back in LA today and I don’t want to see him. I already gave him all of his crap back I had my mom bring it with her when she came to New York for the Women of the Year banquet. That was an even worse experience than when he called me and bitched me out while I was in Florida.

There was a knock on the hotel room door and I froze. I don’t think I can face Justin again, not with the melt down I had when he called me a couple nights ago. I looked at Priscilla with fear in my eyes. “Please, can you just give him his stuff and tell him I don’t want to speak to him?” my voice was shaky, hell my whole body was shaking. Thankfully my mom was in the bathroom getting ready, I don’t want her to see me like this.

“Of course.” She smiled at me. She picked up the bags that my mom brought with her that was full of Justin’s crap that was left at our house. When she opened the door, Justin tried to push his way in but she pushed him and told him he wasn’t welcome inside.

“I need to talk to her!” he yelled.

“You are not coming inside, just take your crap and leave before I call security!” Priscilla yelled back at him.

“What is one of her stupid guy friends in there? Come out douche bag, face me like a man!” he yelled into the room. I rolled my eyes, he would go there.

“There is no one here beside her mom.” Priscilla told him.

“Bullshit.” He scuffed. That was it; I don’t have to deal with this crap anymore. I walked over to the door and saw the disgusted look on his face.

“It’s none of your damn business who is in my hotel room! You are the one who cheated on me and I broke up with you so you no longer have any say what I do with my life. So just leave!” I raised my voice, but you could hear the fear in my voice and he noticed it too. That caused him to smirk.

“What no so brave when your boys aren’t here?” he crossed his arms.

“For one, they are Demi’s friends. I was hanging out with them to have some fun for once in my life. And two I am perfectly brave without them.” I snapped at him.

“They would be Demi’s friends.” He rolled his eyes. “That’s exactly why I didn’t want you hanging out with her. She is nothing but a slut and obviously my reasoning were justified because from those pictures I saw, I know that you hooked up with at least one of them. They turned you into a dirty slut just like her.”

He did not just call Demi a slut. It is one thing to call me that for being pissed at me but do not bring my friends into this. I stormed up to him and slapped him hard across the face. “Do not ever talk about her like that again!” I pointed my finger at him then proceeded to pick up the bags that were sitting on the floor and threw them at him. “Now get the hell out of here and don’t ever think about contacting me again!” with that I slammed the door.

“I am proud of you.” Priscilla hugged. I was pretty proud of myself because I hate confrontations, they make me really nervous.

“I don’t want to see him.” I shook my head.

“It’s not Justin.” Brian told me and I gave him a confused look. “It’s Nick. I’ll tell him to leave if you want.”

“No, no, it’s okay.” I told him then got up off the couch to go see Nick. My hands were shaking the entire time, I haven’t spoken to Nick in years and I don’t know how I am going to face him now. When I got to the foyer I saw Nick kneeled down playing with Baylor, my dog.

“Hey.” I said quietly, but loud enough for Nick and Baylor to look at me.

Nick stood up and smiled at me. “Hey.” He waved.

“Sorry that I look so crappy.” I looked down at what I was wearing. I had on a pair of grey sweat pants and an off the shoulder sweater. I’m sure my eyes were puffy from crying and my hair wasn’t brushed.

“You look beautiful as always.” He said honestly.

“Flattery isn’t going to get you anywhere, Jonas.” I crossed my arms. “Why are you here anyways?”

He looked down at the ground as he put his hands in his pockets like a scared or nervous little boy. “I just wanted to see if you’re okay.” He obviously had spoken to Demi. I wish people would stop worrying about me.

“Well I’m not, obviously. But I don’t need anyone to worry about me.” I snapped.

“Sorry.” He pressed his lips together.

I sighed; I didn’t mean to snap at him. “Let’s go out back and talk. You obviously have something to say and if I know my best friend, she sent you here.” I said then motioned for him to follow me. Baylor followed us as well.

We sat at my patio table. Once I sat down, I brought my knees up to my chest, resting my head on them. There was an awkward silence for a while, until Nick finally spoke up. “You’re too pretty to cry.”

“What did I tell you about flattery?” I grumbled. I know I am being rude but sitting across from Nick is more painful than fighting with Justin. I have so much history with Nick and a lot happened with us that very few people know about.

“It’s not flattery, it’s a fact.” He smiled proudly.

“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes. “Get to the point, Nick.”

“I had lunch with Demi the other day. She’s worried about you.” he looked down at the table.

“That part is obvious. But like I said, no one needs to worry about me, I am fine. Or I will be.” I told him then buried my face in my knees.

“I miss you.” he admitted, this caused me to look up at him. Not going to lie, those words made my heart flutter. I used to pray that he would say those words after we broke up, but it never happened. Then the unexpected happened, Justin told me that he liked me. I was shocked because he was like my little brother, but I gave him a chance anyways because I needed to get over Nick and somehow down the line I fell in love with him.

“Well whose fault is that?” I said then buried my face back into my knees.

“I know it’s my fault. I was an ass, which is why I am here. To make it up to you.” he said calmly. I looked up at him and saw how sorry his eyes looked. I want to open up to him, but I don’t want to get hurt again. I have so many trust issues as it is, I don’t need throw myself into this situation. But I feel word vomit coming on.

“Want to know a secret?” I asked him.

“What?” his eyes lit up with curiosity.

“When I heard ‘Wedding Bells’ I got insanely jealous.” I admitted.

“Why?” he furrowed his eyebrows.

“Because I wanted you to write a song about me, not Miley!” my voice became high pitched.

“But you were with Justin.”

“Exactly!” I threw my arms in the air. “I was happy and I moved on. I wanted you to acknowledge that. I wanted you to be jealous that I was in this happy relationship and that everyone said that we would be married one day. I wanted you to choose me, be upset about my relationship. But once again you went and chose Miley!” I screamed at him. Baylor, who was laying at my feet perked up and growled at Nick. But I patted his head and told him to lay back down.

“I didn’t know you wanted me to choose you, especially after I broke your heart.” He exasperated. Is this guy for real? Why are boys so damn oblivious and stupid?

“I waited for you for months! But you never called so I moved on! And you obviously never listened to any of my songs.” I hit the table with my fist. This action shocked Nick because I never get angry like this. Like I said before I hate confrontation.

“What do you mean?” he looked at me confused.

“When we broke up the first time I co-wrote a song and basically it was about if I ever fell in love again that it wouldn’t be the same as the way I loved this other guy. And that guy was you. That’s why I kept taking you back.” Tears started forming in my eyes and my throat was closing up because I was holding them back.

“I-I-I didn’t know.” He stuttered as he looked at me apologetically.

“Of course you didn’t! Because you never cared enough to see what was in front of your face! All you ever cared about was your precious Miley, who always broke your heart.” Tears were now streaming down my face and snot was coming out of my nose. That’s so fucking attractive. “Sometimes I tried to pretend that I was your first love and that you would finally see that, but I knew I was only fooling myself. Because of you, and now Justin for that matter, I have more trust issues and insecurities than I ever had.”

I saw Nick’s face go pale at this admission. He opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it back. Guilt was written all over his face. I felt bad for putting this all over him, but he needed to hear it and I needed it let it out. Alex was right, holding everything in wasn’t good. And I didn’t want to completely break down like Demi did.

“I gave you my virginity when I was sixteen, and never a day went by that I regretted it. Not even when I had that pregnancy scare when I was eighteen. I hoped that when you wrote ‘Stay’ that things had finally changed since we went through that scare but of course it didn’t.” I paused to wipe the tears off of my cheeks. “When I was with Justin, he treated me like a princess. He spoiled me with presents and romantic dates. He wasn’t afraid to hold my hand or kiss me in public. It’s the relationship that I wanted because it’s what normal couples our age do.”

“And that’s what you deserve.” He cut me off.

“But all of the fancy things and PDA didn’t matter because something was lacking.” I paused as I licked my lips. I was unsure if I should finish my sentence because he wasn’t worthy of my efforts. But I looked up at him and saw the guy I had fallen in love with so many years ago. The boy who still holds my heart. I sighed and wiped away a few stray tears. I have come too far to stop now. “You were missing. I didn’t have the long talks or you challenging me anymore and I needed that.”

“If you give me another chance, I will oblige all of your needs. I will be better just for you. Please give me that chance.” He pleaded with me.

“I can’t do that!” my voice squeaked. “I may have missed you and loved you every second but you are the reason my relationship failed! You broke me when you cheated on me, twice. You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough since you always chose Miley. I always wondered what was wrong with me that you couldn’t’ just love me.” the tears started streaming down my face once again. These memories started to make my blood boil. I was so angry with him and with Justin, I really wanted to punch something and Nick could sense it because he had fear in his eyes. So I got up and walked away from the table.

“I have jealousy issues to go along with my trust issues and those caused so many problems with me and Justin. Then I find out that he cheated on me too and now I am even more broken that I was before. Why can’t I just be enough? What is wrong with me?” I fell to my knees, sobbing into my hands.

I heard the patio chair slide across the concrete and Nick’s footsteps coming toward me, but I didn’t move. I just continued to cry. Seconds later I felt Nick’s arms wrap around me, hugging me close to his chest. I wanted to pull away from him, but after all of this confrontation and crying I needed to be comforted, even if it was by him. Plus it felt nice to be in his arms once again.

“Nothing is wrong with you, you are beautiful and perfect. I was a fool to treat you the way I did. I am so deeply sorry for making you feel like you weren’t worth it. And for not treating you like the princess that you are. I always loved you, but never the way I should have. I was young and stupid and chased the adventure instead of appreciating the only girl who has ever made me feel loved.” He said so honestly.

I sniffed and pulled away from him to see that he too had tears running down his cheeks. I could very well kiss him and forget all of his past mistakes and create a new future with him, but I can’t. not because of my insecurities and trust issues, but because at this point in time I need to re-event myself. I have to learn to stand on my own and learn to deal with my issues before I jump into a new relationship.

“I accept your apology, but I can’t give you a second chance. At least not right now. I have to figure out who I am and learn that I don’t need a guy to make me feel worthy. But I can offer you my friendship and we can grow up together.” I smiled weakly.

“I will take it.” he kissed my forehead.

I tied up one loose end, one more to go. I told Demi that I had a guy in mind that I could see a future with. I know I said I don’t want a relationship right now, but I do need to fix my friendship with him because I was so mean to him. I forced him out of my life because Justin viewed him as a threat, and of course I chose Justin over my friendship with this guy. But even with all of this being said why can’t I stop thinking about a completely different guy? A guy who I barely even know. Life is so complicated. But we always get thrown curve balls for a reason. I just have to figure out this reason.