Let the Walls Fall Down

I was frantically searching through my clutter of clothes on my bedroom floor for my leather jacket. I finally got moved into my apartment but everything is still a mess. Selena would be here any minute and I am still not ready! I don’t have my make up on, but at least I got my hair done. She called me earlier in the day and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner, I agreed because I haven’t seen her since she our girls night last weekend. She seemed really happy that night other than her stressing over Justin trying to get into her house. I finally found my jacket when there was a knock at my front door. “Coming!” I yelled as I tripped over my clothes trying to run out of my room.

“Sorry, I’m not ready.” I said out of breath when I opened the door.

Selena laughed and shook her head, “you always take forever to get ready.” She does have a point; I am always the last to get ready to go anywhere. “Go finish getting ready, Lovato.” She smacked my butt as she came inside and closed the door. I yelped then laughed as I skipped through my apartment to the bathroom so I can put on my makeup.

“Where are we going?” I asked Selena once we were in her car.

She looked over at me with a smirk, “it’s a surprise.” I don’t know what it was but something about her words combined with her smirk scared the crap out of me. But this is my sweet and innocent Selena so it can’t be too bad. Though she is the very girl who got drunk with the All Time Low boys a couple weeks ago, so maybe I should be scared.

We were driving for about ten minutes when I realized that we were going toward Disneyland. What the hell is going on? “Why are we going to Disneyland? I thought we were going to an early dinner?” I questioned.

“Don’t be mad at me, please.” I glanced over at me quickly then looked back at the road. “We are going to a private party at the House of Blues in Downtown Disney.”

“Private party for who?” I cocked my head to the side and furrowed my eyebrows.

“A friend of mine.” She bit her lip nervously.

“And why would you lie and say we were going to dinner?” I asked irritated. Why wouldn’t she just tell me the truth? What is going on?

“I didn’t think you would come. I know since you got out of treatment that you don’t want to be around alcohol and these types of parties. But I wanted you to come with me. I am so sorry that I tricked you.” I knew she was sorry, but that doesn’t justify what she did. I was annoyed with her but I know I need to stick with her; I don’t want her to get into trouble at this party.

When we arrived at the House of Blues, Selena showed security the invitation. He asked us if we were twenty-one before we entered but we said no. Once we were inside I saw there were a lot of people and I started to recognize some faces. That’s when I realized that Alex Deleon was probably at this party, but that made me confused. Selena said this party was for her friend, how is that possible? Alex Gaskarth or Jack wouldn’t have a party at this venue, so who is this party for? I turned to asked Selena, but she had disappeared. Where the hell did she go so quickly? I worked my way through the crowd of people trying to spot her when I ran into someone. “Oh, I’m sorry.” I said then turned to face the person. And of course I had to bump into the one person I was hoping I wouldn’t. Alex Deleon.

“It’s okay.” He said before he realized who I was. “What are you doing here?” he didn’t sound angry, just really confused, especially since I said I would contact him so we could go grab dinner or lunch sometime and still haven’t.

“Uh…um…” I stuttered as I looked around for Selena or anyone to save me.

“She’s here with me.” Jack told him as he put his arm around my shoulder. “Sorry I lost you in the crowd.” He laughed at me trying to make this less awkward than they were.

“Oh, cool. But I saw you about twenty minutes ago and you didn’t mention that Demi was with you. I’m pretty sure you only came in with Gaskarth.” Alex raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

“I wanted to walk around Downtown Disney for a little bit.” I shrugged. “Didn’t want to go head first into this awkwardness.” Why the hell did I just say that? Now he is gonna know that a couple weeks ago was awkward for me. I am mentally slapping myself right now.

“Why should it be awkward? You know I want to be friends.” He smiled at me. That smile melted my heart. I miss that smile so much. Then I looked into his eyes, something I avoided when I saw him at the gym, I could look at them all day. I’m starting to get butterflies in my stomach. I almost forgot that he had asked me a question, but Jack booty bumped me.

“Things just are awkward. You can’t tell me that they aren’t. I broke your heart and just ended all contact with you for no reason. How can we just act like that never happened?” I told him, trying not to let it show that I wanted to just pull him into my arms and kiss his lips like I’ve been dreaming about for weeks.

“We can never pretend that it didn’t happen, but we can move on from it. All you have to do is let it be the past and not affect our present. I do still care about you immensely.” He said with so much passion. I was about to tell him that I still care about him too and that I wanted to work on our friendship when a familiar face came up to him. “Hey baby.” Debby said as she kissed his cheek.

“I think I’m going to be sick. I need some air.” I said and quickly walked away from them.

“Demi, wait!” I heard Jack calling after me, but I kept walking away. I was almost to the bathroom when Jack grabbed ahold of my arm and turned me around to face him. “Don’t do anything stupid.” He pleaded with his eyes.

“I won’t, I’m just irritated with Selena. I can’t believe she tricked me. But who is this party for in the first place? I know you or Alex wouldn’t have a party here.” I crossed my arms.

“It was a surprise party for Brian. Deleon’s best friend. Since we were on tour for his birthday he decided to plan this party for him after tour ended. You didn’t know Selena was friends with Brian?” he explained. I knew that Selena had an encounter with Brian but nothing more than that.

“I have a feeling you knew about this and that’s how Selena got the invite?” I said suspiciously and Jack looked guilty. I sighed, “I have to go to the bathroom, can you find Selena for me?” he nodded as I opened the bathroom door. I probably should have knocked first because neither me nor Jack was prepared to see what was going on behind that door.

“Holy shit!” Brian yelled as he tried to cover exposed bottom half. “Oh my god. Oh my god.” Selena just kept repeating in embarrassment as she covered her face.

“Holy fuck balls!” Jack laughed. “Get it!” he cheered.

I quickly closed the door and put my back against it. I just saw my best friend having sex in a bathroom. I don’t know if I should be happy with the fact that she’s moving on and obviously having fun. Or if I should be concerned; because it’s only been a few weeks since her and Justin broke up and this is moving a little too quickly. Why is she having sex with a guy she barely knows, in a public restroom? That can’t be sanitary. Is this a rebellion thing, or her spiraling out of control? My head is spinning and I feel even more nauseous.

“Did you know about that?” I asked Jack pointing at the door.

“That they were having sex? Not in there no, but I know that they have had sex.” He laughed hysterically. I rolled my eyes, guys are so disgusting.

“How did this happen?”

“Well I am pretty sure a guy puts his penis in a girl’s vagina.” He joked. Normally this would make me laugh, but this is my best friend who is not thinking clearly.

“I know how sex works, Jack.” I let out a small laugh. “But how did she and Brian happen?”

“Honestly we should have guessed it. She was unusually perky the next morning in Orlando and so wasn’t Brian. We all just figured she didn’t want us to push the issue about her trying to cut herself. And Brian is always weird so we ignore him most of the time. But it makes sense now.” he shrugged. “Plus she did get him out of his moody shit last week when she was in Philly. Pretty sure it was with her lady parts like right now.”

“Finally I found you.” Alex D. came over then looked at us curiously. “Why are you blocking the door?”

“If you want to go in there, go right ahead. But I will warn you now you may be scared for life.” I stepped aside and motioned my hands toward the bathroom door like I was one of those models on Price is Right.

“Dude, don’t do it.” Jack snickered.

“Why? Is the toilet flooded or something?” Alex asked confused. But before any of us could answer Selena and Brian came out, both of their faces turned red when they saw us standing there.

“Oh my god.” Selena whined as buried her face in Brian’s neck. “This is so embarrassing.”

Brian rubbed her back to comfort her. “At least it was our friends who caught us and not some random people.” He tried to look on the brighter side.

“Wait, you two” Alex pointed back and forth between Brian and Selena, “were in there. Oh my god.”

“Can we stop talking about it?” Selena groaned then walked away. I was going to go after her but Brian said he would do it.

“Please look after her. She’s precious goods to me.” I told him.

“I promise I won’t let anything happen to her.” He smiled. I saw the look in his eyes, he is falling for Selena. This is going to be bad because I am pretty sure that Selena is using him. If she had any feelings for him she would have told me right? Maybe Brian is the guy she was writing the song for? She said she didn’t know this guy well. I shook the thoughts out of my head; I can’t deal with that right now. Both Brian and Jack had disappeared, leaving me and Alex alone.

“Can we talk?” Alex asked me as she shoved his hands in his pockets.

“No, we can’t. I thought that we could be friends again, but we can’t.” I turned to walk away because I can’t look into his eyes again. If I do then I will melt and that can’t happen. Not when he has a girlfriend who is in this building somewhere.

Alex wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into the bathroom, pinning me to the door. “Why can’t we be friends again? Because you’re still beating yourself up over hurting me?” his voice was demanding and so incredibly hot.

“No because you have a girlfriend!” I yelled at him, shocking us both.

His face softened and he tried to look me in the eye but I avoided any eye contact. “What does that have to do with anything? A guy and a girl can be just friends after a relationship. Look at you and Gaskarth.”

“That’s different and we both know it.” I sighed. Alex glared at me then walked away from me and started pacing.

“How is it different?” he asked as he ran his hands down his face.

“Because with Alex, it was two people using each other. We both knew it, everyone knew it. We were too much alike which made it so easy to just reverse things and stay friends. With us, there is a lot of emotional history. I fell in love with you so quickly that it scared me. I was a teenager; I didn’t know what to do with those feelings especially with all the issues I was going through. We can’t just be friends with that type of history. Maybe if we were both single, but putting Debby into the situation makes it complicated. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to be friends with someone with our kind of history.” I tried to explain to him.

“You’re making no sense!” he yelled as he tugged on his beanie. I know he was frustrated with me, but I can’t tell him that we can’t be friends because I want more than friendship. That would be unfair to him and to Debby. Even though the insensible part of me wants to scream it at him and not care whose toes I stomp on. I want to be selfish with him, but I know it is wrong.

“I am too! You just don’t want to hear it! Why do you want to be friends with me anyways? You should focus on your relationship, not in here trying to make something happen that never will!” I yelled at him then pressed my lips together, trying to hold in the tears.

“Because I miss our friendship. But I guess you don’t want that back, so I will quit wasting your time.” He said as he went to walk past me to the door, but paused and looked at me. “But if you don’t want this then why did you tweet what you did?” he questioned. Crap how am I going to get myself out of this one? I grabbed fist full of my hair in my hands trying to figure out a convincing lie. “Don’t lie to me Demetria. I may not have spoken to you in years but I still know how to read you.”

I wanted to smile at this statement, because I liked that he still knows my little quirks. But I fought the urge. I can’t let him see that he makes me feel like on top of the world. That he can still make me feel insanely special by just looking at me. “But if I tell you the truth then someone will get hurt and I don’t think either one of us is ready for that.” I told him and quickly left the bathroom. If I had stayed any longer than I would be in tears and I don’t want him to see me cry.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I pushed my way through the crowd of people. My vision became blurry because of the tears but I kept walking and trying not to step on anybody’s feet. I bumped into someone. “Whoa!” the person said as they put their hands on my arms to steady me. I looked up and saw it was Brain. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“No I just want to get out of here.” I sniffed. Selena was by my side in a few seconds. “What did he do to you? Do I have to go kick his ass?” she asked quickly.

“No you don’t. And he didn’t do anything to me. I just can’t be around him, it’s too difficult.” I told her. Selena gave me a weak smile and hugged me tightly. That hug is exactly what I needed right now.

“It doesn’t have to be difficult.” Selena whispered to me. I looked up at her confused, she obviously doesn’t know about Debby. “Get that look off of your face because I do know about Debby. I am sorry I never told you.”

“What else have you been keeping from me?” I cut her off then eyed Brian.

“We will talk about that later.” She smiled brightly. Maybe I was wrong about her using Brian. I know that smile, that smile used to be reserved for Nick. “All you need to do is tell him the truth. I know you’re terrified to get hurt, but you have to take risks in order to figure out the future. If you don’t take risks you’re going to be stuck in a pit of ‘what ifs’ and I don’t want that for you. Yes, you may get hurt because he may change his mind, but you can still get your happily ever after. You don’t know what he will say if you tell him that you still love him. What happened wasn’t your fault.” I wish I could believe her, but it was my fault and I have hated myself every day since. I don’t want him to hate me too.

“Look Debby is my little sister and I don’t want to see her hurt.” Brian said. Selena glared at him and I sighed, knowing that we are defeated. Selena isn’t a vindictive person, she doesn’t have a mean bone in her body so she would never betray Brian’s trust nor would she hurt another human being.

“Brian, please don’t start this conversation again.” Selena begged.

“Let me finish.” He chuckled. “I love Debby with all of my heart, but Alex is also my best friend who I care about a lot. I don’t want either of them hurt. This is where I have to make a choice, when they started dating I didn’t know whether to be happy or pissed off. I didn’t want my best friend to date my little sister because if this relationship went sour I would have to kick my best friend’s ass or be really fucking pissed at my little sister. Neither one I want to do. Then there is this situation where a girl is clearly madly in love with my best friend. So do I tell her to back the hell off because I don’t want to kick Alex’s ass if he chooses her and hurts Debby? Or do I put my two sense in?” he paused and sighed looking at Selena. “The thing is I have watched Alex pine over you, Demi, for years. I often told him to get the fuck over you and go get laid. But he loved you so much, he still does. He finally moved on and I am happy about that. So, Demi, you have to make a choice since his relationship is still fresh; are you going to step up and finally come clean with Alex or just walk away and keep wondering what if?”

Why is he telling me this? Shouldn’t he want me far far away from his best friend? I ran away from him, crushing his heart in the process. I know I wouldn’t do that again which is why I wanted to get back together with him. But I don’t want to hurt an innocent bystander either. Debby seems to really like Alex, and it’s not fair to her for me to just worm my way into her relationship. And Alex deserves to be with someone who he can trust and won’t always have to walk on eggshells thinking if he is going to get his heart broken again. But Selena and Brian are right; I can’t live the rest of my life wondering what if I had done something would things be different.

“Shouldn’t you be telling me to stay far away from him? I did break his heart.” I wondered curiously.

“That seems like the normal thing to do. But other than his fans, you’re the only one that got him to smile like a schoolboy.” He said with the upmost honesty.

“I want to tell him the truth, about everything. About why I left and why I cut him out of my life and that I still am madly in love with him. But is that really fair to him or Debby? They deserve a chance to see where their relationship is going.” I said as I picked at my nail polish.

“But doesn’t he deserve to know why he got his heart broken? And the opportunity to make his own decisions? Alex doesn’t date girls who he doesn’t care about, so I’m not saying that he doesn’t care about Debby because he does, they have been friends as long as I have been friends with her. But I know for a fact that he still loves you.” he said as he pointed at me.

“How do you know? Do I just happen to pop into conversation randomly?” I asked.

He didn’t respond, he just pulled out his phone and pressed a few buttons. “What is your email?” he asked and I gave it to him. “Read what I sent you, then you’ll understand.”

Ke$ha’s new song came on and Selena started singing along. “Do you want to go dance?” she asked me.

“No, you and Brian go.” I told her with a smile.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you alone.” She gave me arm a rub.

“I’ll be fine. I’m going to read this email and then try to find Alex, maybe. I won’t leave, if anything I will have Jack and the other Alex to entertain me.” I laughed. She sighed but eventually gave in and her and Brian went to go dance. I smiled as I watched them interact. I’m glad that she is genuinely happy and not trying to benefit anybody. I walked through the crowd and went upstairs so I could sit down. I pulled out my phone and opened my email; there was the email that Brian had sent me.

I took a deep breath as my finger hovered over the email. I was scared to open it; I have no idea what I will be getting myself into. But finally I got the nerve to press the email so it would open. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment so I can prepare myself.

“Do you remember me?
The boy who kissed you with his back against the tree,
I stayed awake to watch your smile sing to me.
I never shut my eyes, you were my only dream.
Now I’m missing everything.
You were my Marilyn and I was your James Dean,
Wanted to act out the classic movie scenes.
But we were more in love than they would ever be.
Do you remember me?
I’d tuck you in at least half a million times.
I miss the days I felt your body next to mine.
I pulled you closer just to hear them harmonize.
I won’t be afraid of the dark,
I picked up the pieces when he broke your heart apart your heart.
Holding you tightly as you cried inside my arms.
I spent the night in tears just knowing that you were harmed.
I haven’t seen you since,
writing you letters that I never seem to send,
re-living inside jokes and asking how you’ve been.
Sincerely, Mr. “I’ve Been Missing You to Death”.
I’m still your biggest fan.
I know your heartbeat like the back of praying hands.
I caught you long before you offered me the chance.
But you ran away, I’ll never understand.”

As I finished reading the e-mail I was in tears. I knew I broke his heart, but reading these words puts in a larger perspective. These words made my heart shatter into a million pieces. And I know now what I have to do. I have to tell Alex the truth, he deserves to understand. And what happens from there is all in his hands.