Let the Walls Fall Down

It’s been four days since Brian’s birthday party and I still haven’t spoken to Alex. Selena said she would be there for moral support if I need her to be but I think this is something to do on my own. She still hasn’t told me what the hell is going on with her and Brian either. I was busy the past few days with X-Factor and she went to New York to hang out with Taylor for a day, we’re supposed to have a girl’s day tomorrow night. I was cleaning up my apartment when I finally told myself that I need to call Alex and get this dreaded conversation over with or I will never have the nerve. I grabbed my phone and dialed his number that I got from Selena who got it from Brian.

“Hello?” he answered the phone.

“Hey Alex, its Demi.” I’m not even sure if I am breathing right now.

“Oh hey, what’s up?” he suddenly got cheerful.

“Are you busy right now?” I asked then held my breath. I felt if I took a breath that I was going to chicken out.

“Not really, I’m just packing to go to New York tomorrow. Why?”

“I wanted to know if you wanted to grab lunch. We do have a lot to talk about.” My voice was shaky and my heart was racing.

“Sounds like a plan. Want me to meet you somewhere?” he asked.

I shook my head even though he couldn’t see me. “No, last time I went to lunch with a guy I came out crying and it started up way too many rumors. And I know that this conversation will end with me in tears so you don’t want that on your back for the world to know.”

“Why were you crying?” his voice was full of concern.

“I was talking about Selena and got upset. The paparazzi took it as I got broken up with over lunch which was ridiculous because I have been single for a while.” I laughed softly trying to not let my tension show.

“What was wrong with Selena?” now he was not only concerned but confused which confused me. Do his friends not tell him anything?

“You don’t know? Do you and your friends like not communicate or something?”

“Brian hasn’t said that something happened to her. He would have mentioned that since the guy is completely smitten and we tease him about it.” he let out a slight chuckle.

“It was when they first started whatever is going on with them I guess. She was hanging out with the guys, Jess, her cousin and one of her friends in Florida, there’s pictures on instagram, anyways, Justin saw them and ripped into her and Selena had a break down. She locked herself in the bathroom and if Jack hadn’t gotten in there she would have cut herself.” I explained to him.

“No wonder Selena said that Brian wants to kill Justin.” He said in a shocked tone. “He really is protective over that girl.”

“I think they are good together.” I agreed. “So I’ll text you my address and you can come over here.”

“Okay, cool.” He said then we hung up and I text him my address. He said he would be over in about fifteen minutes.

The entire time I was waiting for him to show up I was pacing around my living room as my whole body was shaking. I was on the verge of breaking down and I haven’t even gotten to the tough part yet. Every single though in my head was to go find something sharp and drive into my flesh. My skin burned with anticipation of that to happen. But I shook the thoughts away; I wouldn’t do that to my body again. It doesn’t solve anything. All I had to do was breath and keep calm. When there was a knock at my door I jumped like I heard a gunshot. I stared at my door like it was a foreign object. I felt like I was going to vomit, I can’t do this. I finally walked to the door after a second knock came. When I opened the door, there stood Alex looking incredibly sexy. I instantly calmed down with one look into his beautiful eyes. But I was still scared shitless that he was going to hate me.

“Hey.” He smiled.

“Hi.” My voice squeaked causing me to blush and him to laugh. I stepped aside and let him inside. “So, um, I put a pizza in the oven, I didn’t know what to order in or even if we’d make it to actually eating because by the time this conversation is over you probably will want to leave.” I rambled.

“I won’t leave, no matter what you say. I talked to Selena and she said I should forgive you for whatever you think is so horrible.” He told me then pulled me into his arms. I never felt so safe than in this moment, in his arms. I just pray that he can forgive me.

“You shouldn’t make up your mind before you even know what I did. It’s bad, Alex. I don’t even forgive myself.” I sighed and walked over to my couch and sat down, pulling my legs up to my chest. Alex came over and sat next to me.

“What happened?” his voice was strong, but you can tell in his eyes that he was as scared as I was.

“I’ll begin with why I broke up with you, because that story and why I cut you out of my life months later are two different stories.” I took a deep breath, not sure if I could really have this conversation. But I knew I had to, he deserves to know the truth. “I broke up with you because I was scared. I fell in love with you so quickly and I was still a kid I didn’t know what to do with those feelings. Especially when I didn’t feel worthy to be with you. You deserved a girlfriend who was strong and confident, and I wasn’t her. I was started to really self-medicate and I had all these voices in my head saying I was fat and ugly and talentless and I read those words so much that I just took the pain out on myself. You didn’t need to deal with my mess. So even though I was helplessly in love with you I had to leave. And that killed me.” tears started running down my cheeks like a river.

“You know that I would have helped you. I know that you had inner struggled and I still fell for you. That’s why every day I told you that you were beautiful. I wanted for you to hear it so you would believe it. I wish I could have done more for you.” his voice was so sincere and I knew wanted me to feel special and he did, but I wouldn’t let myself feel that.

“You did the best you could; you did what everyone did for me. I just wouldn’t let myself believe that I was pretty or special. You saw how sick I made myself. I didn’t love myself, so I couldn’t and wouldn’t let anyone love me. I pushed everyone who wanted to help me away. I didn’t talk to Selena for a long time because she wanted me to get help. I only kept the people around who indulged my antics.” I explained to him so he wouldn’t beat himself up over this. It was my fault not his.

“So why continue to be my friend?” he asked curiously.

“Because even though I couldn’t date you, I needed you in my life. I couldn’t give you up as my friend because you were one of the best friends I had. You made me laugh, we had conversations that didn’t consist of who is getting high this weekend? You didn’t make me feel like something was wrong with me. But still you deserved better and I let myself believe that you didn’t like the girl I was.” I said as I wiped away my tears. If I am crying this much for the easy part, I am going to drown in tears when I get to the hard part.

“So then what happened? You showed up at my place out of the blue, crying about Trace being an ass to you then disappeared sometime in the night never to be heard from again.” I could tell he wanted to sound angry with me but couldn’t.

I gulped, not wanting to tell him this. And I was saved by the oven beeping. I got up quickly and took the pizza out of the oven and set it on top of the stove and turned off the oven before returning to the living room and sitting back down.

“This is the bad part, so please let me finish before you interrupt. At the end if you want to yell then yell, if you want to leave then leave. I won’t hold your actions against you.” I told him and he just nodded. “You had to notice that before that day I was slowly pulling away from you. It was increasingly hard to talk to you because of the secret I had. But when Trace said those horrible things to me during our break up I needed someone to comfort me and you were always the best person to do that. That’s why I ended up at your house. I felt so safe in your arms and when you told me that you still loved me that night I knew then that I had to get away and never talk to you again. You couldn’t love me because I was a horrible person who did a horrible thing and you would hate me when you found out. I couldn’t bare you hate me so I left and refused to talk to you again.” I could barely talk because I was crying so much and my throat was closing up on me.

I looked up at Alex who wanted to say something but abided by my wishes and didn’t interrupt. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “A couple months after I broke up with you I was so depressed and I felt like I was going crazy. I was at Selena’s house and I just locked myself in the bathroom. I had a razor in my make-up bag so I took it out and I sat on the floor and just cut my thighs. I couldn’t cut my wrists or arms anymore since people were starting to notice so I lied and said I had stopped and started doing it in places no one could see. I had taken some pills that I don’t remember and I felt like I was on a cloud, floating in the sky. The next thing I remember is looking down and seeing a pool of blood. I thought I hit a vein or something from cutting and I screamed. Selena ran in and screamed as well. She called 911 and they rushed me to the hospital. I lost a lot of blood and I was scared that they were going to call my parents. So Selena text her cousin and said to lie about who she was and go along with whatever the doctor told her. Then we had Dallas pick us up and told her that I fell and hit my head and passed out so Selena called 911 because she was scared. She believed me. But only Selena knew the truth. And Priscilla, but she didn’t know the whole story.”

I paused again because I was choking back sobs. Even through my blurred vision I could tell that Alex was begging me to finish the story with is eyes. I let out a sob as I hugged my legs to my chest. “The blood wasn’t from me cutting.” Alex gasped. “I was pregnant and I lost it. The doctor said my body couldn’t carry the baby because I was so malnourished and with the crap I had been taking, I killed the baby. It was all my fault.” I buried my face in my knees and sobbed uncontrollably.

After a while of sobbing and Alex saying nothing, I took it as a sign that he does hate me so I got up off the couch and walked back toward my kitchen. “Maybe you should go.” I told him in between sobs.

“Demi, no, wait.” He called after me. I could hear his rushed footsteps coming after me. I felt his hands on my arms and he turned me around to face him. He took my face in his hands and tilted it up so I would look at him. His eyes were glossy but he didn’t look angry, just concerned. “I am not mad at you nor do I hate you. What happened wasn’t your fault.” He said sweetly. This just made me sob even more.

I pushed him away, “But it was my fault! I killed OUR baby because of my insecurities and stupid actions. If I hadn’t been bulimic and anorexic then my body wouldn’t have been malnourished. If I hadn’t been self-medicating then my body wouldn’t have been so fucked up. I did this, it’s my entire fault. How could you stand there and forgive me when I deprived you have being a father?”

Alex grabbed my arms wrists so I would stop throwing my arms all over the place. “Look at me.” he commanded so I did. “You were seventeen, I was twenty, neither one of us were ready to be parents. But even if the miscarriage didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have turned you away; I would have loved you and the baby and taken care of you both. But it happened and I don’t blame you in any way. You were sick; you didn’t understand what was going on with your mind or body. You had a crazy amount of pressure put on you that you never asked for and that was too much for a girl your age. But look where you are now, you got help and now you are stronger and healthy. You are amazing.” He said. He tucked my hair behind my ear.

“You don’t hate me?” I asked quietly.

“I could never hate you. I have always loved you no matter how much it hurt when you cut me out of your life.” He said as his thumbs rubbed my cheeks.

He looked like he was about to kiss me so I pulled away from him, “I have always loved you too. No matter how many times I fought those feelings or tried to make them be for someone else, it has always been you. But that doesn’t change the fact that you have a girlfriend now. One who you don’t want to hurt and a girl who could potentially cause problems for my best friend if you guys break up so we can’t do anything about our feelings.”

“I’m not saying that I’m going to break up with Debby right now, but maybe one day. We still don’t know what we are going to do. If Debby wasn’t in the picture, would you take me back right now?” he asked.

“In a heartbeat.” I said without a doubt. “But I would never ask you to break up with your girlfriend. I saw the way you looked at her and how she looked at you at the party, you guys are infatuated and you deserve that.”

“You never asked me to break up with her. But I still have the decision; I care about Debby a lot. I wouldn’t be with her if I didn’t, but Selena gave me a lot to think about. She told me that I had to figure out who I can see my future with in a long term sense. And I have been thinking about it, I would be a lucky guy to marry either of you girls. I can picture my life with both of you. So I had to reach into my heart and see who my heart wants. And that is you.”

I smiled brightly and my heart skipped a beat. Those are the words I wanted to hear when I told Selena I wanted him back weeks ago. But I can’t accept them; I don’t want my past with him to affect his relationship now. “I love you, but I can’t be with you.”

“But you said…” he started to say and was completely dumbfounded. I held my hand up for him to let me finish. “I want to be with you Alex, with all of my heart. But I want it to be in the right way. Right now you’re on a high because I am back in your life. I don’t want you to make a rational decision based on that fact. What if in a few weeks or a couple months you realize you made a mistake by giving us another chance? I don’t want to get hurt or to have that on my conscience. So what I am willing to do is be your friend, we need to build that up again. We have both grown up and changed. After we’ve rediscovered ourselves and you still love the person I have become then I will jump at the chance to be with you again. But I also don’t want you to break up with Debby until you are absolutely sure of that choice. Take more time to make it, make sure that you don’t see it going to the alter one day. We need to take this slowly.” I explained to him.

“I will do whatever you want, as long as you promise not to run away from me again.” He smiled.

“I promise. I need you in my life. Selena was right when she said that you were good for me.” I let out a small laugh.

“So how about that pizza?” he laughed and I rolled my eyes.

“And let me guess the Lion King?”

“You know it.” he winked at me. I shook my head and went to the kitchen to cut the pizza. The rest of the afternoon we ate junk food and watched movies and talked. It was like we never stopped talking. it felt perfect and I just hope that he will still choose me once this whole situation is over with. And I hope that it won’t cause problems with Selena and Brian since it was her doing getting me and Alex in the same place so we could work out our problems. I just want everyone to have their happily ever after. I know it’s stupid to have that kind of fantasy, but after all the hell we all have been through we deserve it. Right? Guess we will see.