Easy to Fall in Love

“Why—why would Adam be calling you?” Justin looked at me almost accusingly. When I realized the implication I narrowed my eyes at him.

“How should I know? I haven’t talked to him since the party where I publicly humiliated him and myself.” I shot back angrily. His face softened and he became apologetic. He didn’t fully trust me, and if Sarah was ever brought up in a similar situation, I’m sure I wouldn’t be so jolly either. The last twelve, or so, hours had been sunshine, rainbows and blissful happiness. This just reminded me we still have stuff to work through.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” He scratched the back of his head and rubbed his eyes. He let out a loud sigh. “The whole Adam thing’s a rawer nerve than I expected it to be. I tried hard not to think about it and because you weren’t around it was easy.” I scoffed and he backtracked. “Donia, I’m not going to pretend watching you two together didn’t hurt. A lot. And then we had that night and I thought we were finally going to be together. Things would finally be right. Then you cut me out and I had no idea why. Now I understand your reasons, but I didn’t then. So you disappeared again and after a few months I was able to get through it by pretending it never happened. When you arrived yesterday it was a whirlwind and there was no space in my mind to think about him because I was entirely consumed by you. Everything has been so good, even if it’s only been a short amount of time. I guess I let myself believe everything would be perfect.” I nodded and bit my tongue, holding back words made out of hurt. I nodded slowly, showing him I understood. I could tell by his eyes he realized how harsh the words sounded. “No, Don, that’s not what I meant. I know it’s not ever going to be completely perfect; that’s just the way life is. I guess I was just caught up in the fantasy because it allowed me to forget all the baggage—baggage we both have.” He stroked my cheek and tried to get me to meet his eyes. “But don’t get me wrong, that’s not what I care about. I care about you.” I settled my eyes at chest level and counted the tiny blue pinstripes on his shirt. “I'm glad we have all this history. I just forgot about it. I feel close to you. You get me. I don’t care if you’ve had a hundred boyfriends before me and they’re all calling you at once—all I need is you.” He cupped my chin to bring my eyes to his. “And it will be perfect. In an imperfect way,” he added as not to contradict himself. “I promise.” He leaned down slowly, softly resting his lips on mine. We both just stood there for a second, mouths barely touching. Then I raised myself up a little, pushing my lips closer to his and grasping his hair in my fingers. He grasped my hips, pushing his body closer to mine. I broke the kiss and caught my breath.

“We should get back. We’re probably already way behind.” I pushed past him and started to walk back to the car. There are so many things I wanted to do. I wanted to grab him and kiss him and tell him Adam was the last thing on my mind. But the truth is, he wasn’t. I didn’t still have feelings for him, but I couldn’t help wondering what the mystery call was about or if it even means anything at all.

“Donia, wait.” He put his hand on my shoulder to stop me. “Are you, um…are you going to call? Are you going to call him back?” He fumbled to find the right words. I looked into his eyes, suddenly a darker blue and I wondered what he was thinking of and I knew it couldn’t be good.

“I really do not know, not right now at least. I feel like…I feel like…” I trailed off. I didn’t even think that part through. My mind had one track and it was stuck on the fact that I had my life back where I wanted it for barely a day and the skeletons hanging in my theoretical closet were ruining it.

“You feel like what?” He asked in an annoyed way, successfully irritating me.

“I don’t know, I feel like maybe I owe him that much!” I snapped. I bit my lip and avoided all the hurt on his face. Right now the two of us were just saying all the wrong things to each other. “I did so many terrible things back in Nashville. And I thought he was never going to speak to me again. If there’s a chance to…assuage my guilt,” I swallowed the last three words, tasting the selfishness in my own voice, and continued, “And make us able to tolerate each other, I should take it. And who knows, maybe he doesn’t want to make up with me. Maybe it was wrong number. Maybe he just wants to return a shirt I left at his house.” I turned away from him and walked back to the car.

“Right, because the idea of you taking off clothes at his house and leaving them there, that makes me feel worlds better,” he muttered and followed me. I rolled my eyes and opened the car door to sit down. I got in and snapped on my seat belt while Justin got in a few seconds later, slamming the door behind him. He started the car and we pulled out and back onto the road.

“Sooo, you pee okay?” Austin asked trying to break the tension. I grunted and turned the radio up.

***

We made it to San Francisco eventually, and not super long after the rest of the guys. The ride was painful, to say in the least, to endure. Justin and I weren’t really talking, so Austin and Halvo carried most of the conversation and eventually gave up. He was angry because, well I wasn’t sure the particular reason—it could probably be characterized under a general title of Adam—and I was angry because he was angry and everything was a mess. Apparently I was good at making really big messes.

The guys had already started unloading their gear when we arrived. Justin joined them without a word to me and Austin patted my shoulder sympathetically, following behind him. Halvo stopped next to me and tried to reassure me.

“I know I have no idea what is going on between you two, and this isn’t any of my business,” He started, “but if it makes you feel any better, I think you guys will be back to normal before the night is over. I’ve never seen Justin this happy and it hasn’t even been a whole day since you’ve been back in his life. The only time it came remotely close was in Nashville, but he wasn’t as blissful as this. And you were still with the other guy, which is probably why he was a little less than. The pouting is well intentioned. He just cares. A lot.”

“Thanks.” I nodded and smiled to myself. “That actually helped a little. I guess hearing another person say it makes me realize I’m not imagining things, you know?” I turned to him and reached my arms around his neck for a hug. He returned the hug and laughed.

“No problem. I like you and I like that you make him all ridiculous and smiley.” We both pulled away and he added, “Plus he’s written some of our best songs since you guys met.”

“Well glad to help out the cause,” I laughed and got back into the car.

Halvo did make the Justin-related anxieties a little lighter. I mean I was still slightly annoyed, but I’m remembered fighting was normal. I’ve always been stubborn and argumentative and this should be no surprise.

I found a close hotel and got us a room for tonight, because I thought space away might give us some time to straighten things out. Plus, I am not about sleeping in a van. I checked in and brought in some of our things for the night. When I was finished I realized I wasn’t ready to go back and deal with sulky Justin just yet, so I laid down on the bed for a rest and a chance to clear my mind. I stared at the ceiling and tried repeatedly to push the Adam thing out of my brain. Unfortunately, it kept sneaking back in my head and it was in the form of one of the annoying neon flashing signs spelling out WHY. I pulled out my phone and stared at Adam’s name, highlighted in red. I took a deep breath, almost deep enough to burst my lungs, and clicked on the callback button. It started to ring. Ring ring ri—

I hung up the phone. I wasn’t ready to do this. I turned my phone off and hid it under a pillow on the bed. I grabbed my bag and hurried out, heading back to the venue. I searched high and low for Justin, eventually finding him back stage on his phone and sitting with Ryan. I hurried over to him and stopped abruptly in front of the two guys. I beckoned at him to follow me into the hall.

“Hey I was just calling you and it went straight to voicemail. Are you okay?” All his body language showed he was worried so I guess he wasn’t as mad anymore. But did he honestly think I could still have feelings for Adam?

“Yeah it, um, died?” I lied badly, making it sound more like a question. I quickly changed the subject, hoping my feminine wiles would distract him. I wrapped myself around him and rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry about this whole mess. The last thing I want is for you to be mad at me tonight. We only have a few more nights left and I just want us to be happy and not angry or upset or sad or resentful.” I lifted my head and reached my hand up to bring his face down to mine and I kissed him softly. I parted my lips slightly, murmuring into his mouth. He kissed me back for a second then pulled away.

“But what about the call? What are you going to do—“ I interrupted him again.

“Shh. Don’t worry about that anymore. Forget it even happened, that’s what I’m doing,” I lied. “I don’t want to fight—I just want us to be together okay? So no more talk about things that don’t even matter. Just us.” I gazed deeply into his eyes, just needing him to help me forget everything. I bit my lip, just hoping he would ignore how weird I was being, and be there for me. I needed him to hold me and kiss me and just let me ignore my problems. I softly stroked his cheek and tried so hard to look past the concern in his eyes. I didn’t want him to worry about me. I didn’t want to worry about me, but I could not stand the look on his face. Like he could see into me and feel the massive confusion I was feeling and it was physically hurting him. And that was something I could not forgive myself for inflicting.

“Hey guys, we’re going to go grab a late lunch. Are you coming?” asked Joel, popping in out of nowhere. He was standing in the doorway waiting for an answer.

“Yeah, of course. Be there in like two minutes,” I said and tried to smile. When he finally left I rested my head on Justin’s chest. “I promise,” I whispered, “Everything will be okay.” I pecked him on the cheek and clutched his hand in mine, pulling him alongside me.

There was a diner right next door to the venue, so we all just walked over. Justin was telling me about his favorite spot in San Francisco when I noticed all the girls who were clearly hanging around for the shore later. They were pointing at the boys with huge smiles while giggling and whispering in each other’s ear. One of them pointed at me and mouthed the words “who’s that?” to her friend. Her friend shrugged and they both continued to look at me. I gave them a small smile and followed the guys into the restaurant. Sean and Ryan found us a big table near the back and we all sat down. Justin sat next to Sean and I sat next to him. Austin dropped down across from Justin and Halvo slid into the seat across from me. Nick sat next to me and John across from him. The rest of the boys filled in on the other end.

“I wonder how late that sandwich shop is open in Haight. I love that place,” Halvo commented. “I might make a quick run during the show,” He said as he browsed the menu. I wasn’t really all that hungry at this particular moment. Being upset with myself for trying to trick Justin into thinking it was the last thing on my mind was the newest addition to the Things Wrong With Me list. Especially because I was really bad at it so far.

Justin rested his hand on my thigh and absentmindedly traced shapes on my jeans as he flipped through the plastic covered pages of the menu. I felt goose bumps form at his soft touch even though it was summer and like 85 degrees. He glanced over at me and smiled. He leaned down and pecked me on the lips, then went back to looking for something to eat.

“I can’t wait till we go to Nashville, man. I can’t believe I’ve never been to your place,” John put his menu aside and looked at Justin. I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. One day I’d have to go back there, I knew that. I’m just afraid when I do the first person I’ll run into at the grocery store is Hunter, or Adam.

“I know me too,” Justin smiled. “I’m glad we have a day off before the show so we can hang.”

“Yeah and Andrew told me about some awesome diner you took him to last time they visited. Said they made the best chili he’s ever had.” Garrett piped up. My stomach turned and the iced tea I drank earlier sloshed around and crawled back up my throat. Justin cleared his throat and said something in vague agreement. I abruptly slid out my chair and stood up. I wasn’t feeling this turn in the conversation.

“I have to use the restroom,” I murmured. I started to walk towards the back of the restaurant.

“Do you want me to order for you?” Justin stood up too.

“Um, sure. Just some…soup I guess.” I walked to the bathroom and behind me I heard Garrett ask,

“Did I say something?”

“It’s not you. She hasn’t been feeling well since the car ride up.” Justin replied, trying to excuse my erratic behavior. And maybe most people would be annoyed. But I was thankful because he just wanted them to like me. Every time I’ve seen them I’ve acted insane and eventually they’re going to associate it with my personality.

I hate this. I hate the guilt. I hate how touchy I am about it. I have no feelings for him. NONE. Just talking about Nashville made me tense because the first thing I remember is Adam. Then Hunter. Then I remember everyone’s face at my birthday party. Then the call. Why is he doing this now? Does he want closure? Has he finally worked up the nerve to yell at me? Did I forget something at his house? Was it a butt dial? Is there something important he needs to tell me? I fought the urge to wretch all over the sink.

“Donia?” Austin called my name and knocked on the door. I ignored him. “Donia, I know you’re in there. If I wasn’t a boy I swear to god I’d bring your ass out here myself. Now either let me in or I’m going to tell the wait staff you locked yourself in there and need help getting out. That would be pretty embarrassing, don’t you think?” I sighed and opened the door enough for him to push his way through.

“So this is what the ladies room is like,” he surveyed the room. “It’s nice. Clean.” He sniffed the hand soap and made an approving sound.

“What do you want Austin?” I crossed my arms across my chest and nervously shifted my weight from one foot to the other.

“I want to know why you’re wigging out. Literally the mention of Daisy’s cannot freak you out this much. There is more to it, I can tell.” He leaned up against the sink and used his rare serious look.

“I’m fine. I just feel a little nauseous.” I shook my head and refused to look at him. Austin could be really good at getting the truth out of you.

“Bull shit. I was in the car when you got that call. And now that I’ve witnessed the last little ‘thing’ I’m going to take a wild guess and say it was Adam.”

“Austin, I’m serious. It’s not a big deal. All I’ve eaten is unhealthy food so…”

“Donia, I’m serious.”

“Okay. Fine.” I relented. “It’s not so much Adam himself. Part of it is, but I’m just pretending really hard to be okay. And I’m not. I want to call him back but I also really don’t and I don’t want to drag Justin into my crazy. That is the absolute last thing I want.”

“You gotta tell him.”

“Um, no. Did you not just hear me? And under no circumstance will you tell him either.” I poked his chest. “This is not something he needs to worry about. I will deal with it myself.”

“You’re actually planning on not telling him. After all the miscommunication of the past year you honestly believe this is going to end well? If you do decide to talk to Adam, are you not going to tell him about that either? You do realize he is my best friend and I tell him everything. I mean EVERYTHING.”

“Austin, I swear if you tell him…” I clenched my fists. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “You don’t understand what it’s like to love him the way I do. He’s your best friend and you have to tell him everything. I’m his GIRLFRIEND.” I emphasized girlfriend. “I just want him to be happy and if that means keeping this from him so I don’t see that awful sad puppy look, then so be it. Maybe I’m being selfish again. It’s kind of my common theme, but Austin I love that boy so, so much, I swear. I cannot tell him how I’m feeling. I cannot put this on him, especially not tonight. He has to play two sets and I don’t want him worrying about me while he’s supposed to be doing what he loves. I don’t want to ruin his night and the fans night by making him all…weird.”

“Darlin’ I can’t tell you how many shows I’ve played while thinking about a girl. Or how many shows all the boys have. Refresh your memory. Go back to the night in Nashville at 12th and Porter. You saw Justin on stage; he was not even a little fazed. But when you looked at him on the sidelines you could tell he was messed up. He can already tell there is something wrong, but the fact that you won’t talk about it is killing him more. He doesn’t understand why you’re shutting him out. And frankly, neither do I.”

“You don’t understand. This is so different than before. Things are so much more complicated than they were a year ago. I will talk to him, just not tonight. Please, don’t tell him.” I pleaded. I clasped my hands together and bit my lip. I was considering getting down on my knees to beg. He sighed.

“Fine. Only because you’re my friend and I hate that kicked puppy face too. But Donia if you don’t fix this soon…I will.” The door swung open and a little girl and her mom walked in. The little girl looked confusedly at her mother, who clutched her little girl close and narrowed her eyes at us supposed sexual deviants.

“Excuse us,” I made an apologetic face and pushed Austin out of the restroom. We made our way back to the table and I sat next to Justin without looking at him.

“Are you feeling any better?” asked Nick. He looked at me curiously and I winced.

“A little. I haven’t eaten much today and it was all junk so my stomach is a little queasy.” Which is technically not a lie. I feel totally sick and gross but for other complicated reasons.

“I, uh, ordered you chicken noodle soup if that’s okay? And also a ginger ale for your stomach.” Justin pushed a clear glass full of bubbly liquid towards me and I bit my lip to keep from crying. Crying because he was perfect and I sucked.

***

After lunch I excused myself to the bathroom again. I spent a few minutes in front of the mirror just staring at myself blinking. I didn’t eat much at lunch because I couldn’t stomach more than a few bites without my mind wandering to Adam and leading to stress about Justin and then noodles threatening to resurface. I took my final deep breathe and walked back to an empty table. Well empty except Justin. He was waiting patiently with my bag in hand.

“Donia, what is really going on?” I grabbed for my bag but he moved it out of reach when I didn’t answer the question.

“Justin.” I tried to put a stop to the conversation by holding up my hand and using a stern tone. Then I stuck out my hand and wiggled my fingers to signal “gimme.” I really believed this was for his own good.

“Don’t treat me like a child. Don’t patronize me. You can talk to me about everything. You don’t need to censor yourself or spare any feelings, not with us. After all the crap we’ve faced…I just want you to come to me.” He took a few steps towards me.

“Justin, I’m fine. I’m just not a 100% today. I’m a little tired.” I brushed off his words and stepped around him, moving closer to the door. It seems like everything in my life gets thrown at me all at once on one day and it just keeps coming. Then for weeks nothing happens. It’s even boring sometimes. Then there’s another day of having obstacles, good and bad, hurled at me like flaming fucking meteors.

“But if something was wrong, you would tell me, right?” he followed me to the door. He was relentless. If I didn’t feel like absolute shit I might find it sweet and doting, but his perfect boyfriendness was making it very hard to lie and sleep at night—metaphorical sleep of course, because friendly reminder that it’s only been about four and a half hours since my dramatic mood change of newlywed to newly dead (another clever metaphor).

“Right. I get to be with you don’t, I? How could something possibly be wrong?” I lied and faked a smile. I grabbed his neck and lowered his face to mine, planting the most hot, deep, and passionate kiss I could muster on him until were anatomically forced to pull away and give our lungs a break. If I was going to fool him into thinking everything was alright, I was going to have to act like it.