Easy to Fall in Love

“No, I’m not kidding,” I laughed into his neck. We were sitting on a tiny, ratty couch backstage together. I was laying on him and snuggled into his side with my head resting comfortably on his shoulder. I inhaled his scent, burrowing my face into his chest. He tightened his arms around me and kissed my forehead. It’s ridiculous how much I love this boy.

“I don’t believe you.” He shook his head and laughed too. I flipped over so instead of lying against him we were chest to chest. I looked into his eyes and ran my fingers through his short hair. I smiled at him and he smiled back, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. He opened his eyes again and stroked my cheek.

“I swear! I’ll prove it.” I said and kissed the tip of his nose. I wiggled off of him and onto the floor. I dug through my bag in search of my phone. I knew I had to have a picture off it somewhere.

“I can’t wait to see this.” He sat up and looked down at me sitting crisscross on the floor. Then he got off the sofa and sat next to me, leaning against my shoulder.

“I begged Lila not to take photos, but of course she didn’t listen. I suppose in retrospect it’s come in handy.” I showed him the photo of my birthday cake from almost two years ago.

“I cannot believe you had a Ryan Adams cake made for you birthday. That is actually kind of awesome.”

“Technically, Lila had it made. But I may have mentioned the idea twenty or thirty times.” I shrugged and laughed. I bumped his shoulder and he bumped mine back. I smiled to myself and our nudges turned to playful shoves. I pushed him over and climbed on top of him. I laughed as he tried to sit up and kiss me. I pinned his shoulders to the carpet and raised my eyebrow cockily. “I think I win.”

“Oh do you?” Justin clutched my forearms and quickly flipped me over so he was now on top. I yelped in surprise, but he shut me up by pressing his lips to mine. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he placed his hands on either side of my head, leaning into me even more. The door to the room swung open and Jimmy and Andrew walked in talking about stopping in Chico tomorrow for their day off. They stopped abruptly when they saw us on the floor. When I saw them watching us I pushed Justin off me faster than I would have if he was a giant spider and jumped to my feet. Justin started laughing and I covered my blushing face with my hands. Justin stood up next to me and put his arm around my shoulders.

“Hey guys.” Justin walked to the other side of the room and grabbed a water bottle. He handed one to me too and plopped down on the couch. He grabbed my hand and pulled me down next to him. I hid my face in his shoulder, slightly embarrassed that his older brother caught us making out. I felt like I was in high school all over again. Jimmy sat in a chair across from us and Andrew sat on the other side of me.
“So are you guys having fun?” Andrew asked. I knew it was meant to be a funny comment, but I just buried my face deeper into Justin’s shoulder. I wouldn’t care as much if it was just Andrew, but with Jimmy there too I felt like I was in trouble or something.

“Oh definitely,” Justin smiled and squeezed my hand. I looked over at Jimmy who was awkwardly staring at his hands. Even though he apologized yesterday, he hadn’t spoken to me much and seemed a little uncomfortable when Justin and I were being gross and couple-y. Which for the record, I’m trying to keep to minimum around the guys.

“Hey Justin, Andrew; Nick wants to go over something with us and then sound check.” Halvo poked his head in and beckoned the Rocket boys to him. They got up and Justin kissed me on the cheek before assuring me he’d be back very soon. Jimmy and I sat in silence for a minute before he said,

“I have some stuff to do,” and started for the door. He was almost free and clear, but I stopped him. I couldn’t take the tension and I’m sure Justin would prefer his brother talking to me, not just tolerating me.

“Wait Jimmy,” I stood up too and bit my lip. He turned back around to face me, his expression uncertain. “I know you still don’t know me like, at all, but I want us to be close because of Justin. And you’re probably uncomfortable having me around, especially after what Justin told you about me when we were on bad terms, but if there is anything I can to do to show that I am 300% into him, please tell me,” I pleaded. He sighed and sat back down. I sat down too and nervously crossed and uncrossed my legs.

“I’m sorry Donia. I apologized to you, but I haven’t been acting like I mean it. And I don’t know if I even did in that moment or if it was just to get Justin off my back.” He took a long pause as he searched for the right words. “Look, it’s never not weird to see Justin with a serious girlfriend. I still see a little kid who followed me around everywhere and wore underwear with dinosaurs on it when I look at him—and I don’t know if that will ever change.” He looked at his feet, still not able to really look at me.

“How many would you say there was? Girlfriends, I mean. Serious ones.” I tried to ask nonchalantly. Okay, so maybe this wasn’t the right time to ask, but I don’t have very good impulse control.

“Before you? Just Sarah. Who I am not a fan of, by the way, but not many of us were. Or any of us really.” He shook his head and rolled his eyes. “I never was, not from the second I met her. You could tell she was the kind of girl who fed on a guy’s devotion and admiration and sucked them dry until there was nothing left but skin, bones, and a barely beating heart. Then tossed them away like the carcass of a dead animal, but used him the pick the other guys out of her teeth every now and again.”

“That was a very…vivid picture.” Yikes. Sounds like he was angrier that Justin. “But, uh, feel free to join the club. We’re not exactly besties either. She’s somehow found ways to insert herself in my life without gracing me with her physical presence. Also the stuff she put Justin through is ridiculous and if I was someone without self-control…well let’s just say it’s a very good thing we’ve never run into each other. Well, except the time she had her tongue in his mouth. That was fun.” I grimaced. At least there was something we were on the same page about: Sarah being an awful she-witch.

“It was Sarah, Sarah, Sarah all the time. Of course until you came along and then it was all about you. I was skeptical because someone had to be rational, and it obviously was not going to be him. Sometimes he’s a little too much of a romantic and is often in way over his head. Then he gets his heart broken again and I assumed it was all on you, very much like with her, and he just went along with it. Then it was about what he disliked—of course it didn’t mean much. He never meant any of it. And when I brought it up to him I knew he didn’t mean it, but I was still hell bent on convincing him you weren’t the right girl.” The conversation was not going where I was hoping. “I would probably have been on your side if I had known everything from the beginning. Of course, I would support Justin because he’s my brother, but I’d also be reminding him he’s an asshole repeatedly.”

“Well I did play a part, so he doesn’t deserve it all of the blame. And I don’t want this to be a situation where anyone has to be blamed. We both just made equally stupid mistakes.” I still am not sure if he hates me or likes me because he keeps going back and forth.

“That’s beside the point I’m trying to make. I’m very protective of Justin. It’s my job to be. And sometimes I’m a little blind to what’s going on because I’m so focused on shielding him. I should have known from the beginning that he wasn’t telling me the entire truth. I was annoyed you just waltzed back in and it was like nothing happened, but it was really none of my business anyway. I’m not trying to be a dick, I just need to see who you are on my own, you know? While Justin may rave about how great you are, it doesn’t change that he’s a fool in love. I still have to protect him, but I’m much more aware of his blind spots. I feel like I can’t trust his judgment lately. Not to say you’re not the girl for him—I’m just being wary. You don’t have to do anything special—just be you.” He paused a second and finally looked me in the eye. Then he pursed his lips and stood up. So I guess our conversation was coming to an end. He started to walk away again, but stopped when he reached the door, like he had an afterthought. “I do want us to be close too. You mean the world to my brother, and you could very well be my…you could be around for a while.” He left and I closed my eyes, taking a much need deep breath. I tried hard to process everything he just said to me. And it all made sense. I did have a lot to prove about my intentions. And Justin can be a little flighty when he’s distracted by things like love. But the part where I think he was going to say something like sister-in-law stuck in my head and swirled around. It was a little scary to think that we were that serious to outside opinions.

“Are you alright?” I opened my eyes and Austin had appeared in front of me, head tilted sympathetically. “I saw Jimmy leave and I wanted to make sure you were okay. I don’t really know what kind of terms the two of you are on.” He walked a little closer and out on a smile. At least I have Austin on my side. And some of the other guys seem to genuinely like having me around. Though it’s only been a day and a matter of time before they get sick of me.

“Oh everything is fine. It was just an awkward conversation. Not something I want to relive right now.” I shifted on the couch and closed my eyes again to think. Austin sat down beside me and patted my knee.

“Have you been thinking about Adam?” He asked suddenly. I shot open my eyes and narrowed them at him. I had managed to forget about that for the last few hours. Now there’s another thing to worry about.

“Well not until just now. Thank you for that.” I stood up and prepared for a hasty exit.
I really don’t want to rehash this again so if you don’t mind,” I made a beeline for the door but Austin was quicker and blocked the doorway.

“Not so fast.” He wagged his finger in my face like I was a child and I frowned at him.

“I suggest removing your finger from my face if you want to keep it,” I hissed. I instantly felt bad for snapping at him, but I was getting really sick of this game of musical chairs being played with the doorway. First I had to keep Jimmy from bolting and now Austin trying to do the same to me. Not to mention his mention of Adam pissing me off royally.

“I told you I’d keep the fact that you’re struggling with what to do about Adam from Justin, but not forever. You need to figure this out, and soon.”

“Figure what out soon?” Justin appeared behind Austin.

“Nothing.” Austin and I said simultaneously.

“I’ll be right back. I have to pee.” I lied and hurriedly pushed past Justin. I looked back and Justin was no longer in the hall. I crept back towards the door and listened.

“What was that about?” I heard Justin ask Austin. There was some shuffling and then the creak of sofa springs. He better not spill or so help me…

“Nothing, really. It was just a chat.” Austin played it off. I silently thanked him and inched a little closer to hear better.

“Oh great. Now you’re lying for her? She thinks I have no idea, but she’s not as good of a liar as she thinks. Actually, she’s terrible. Austin, I need to know what’s wrong. Is it Adam?” Crap. I really to hone my lying technique.

“Okay here’s the thing—“ Austin started but I cut him off by appearing again.

“Hi again.” I smiled at Justin. I turned to Austin and widened my eyes. “What the fuck?!” I mouthed to him. He looked down at the ground in an effort to avoid my dagger eyes.

“I thought you were going to the restroom?” Justin asked.

“Oh. Oh yeah, right. I, um, forgot my purse.” I snatched my bag from the couch. “You know, feminine stuff.”

“Okay well that sounds like my cue to leave. I need a drink.” Austin got up and walked past me raising his eyebrows at me and mouthing that I need to tell him. Soon we were alone and I debated how to spin this.

“So I guess I’ll go take care of those feminine things now…” I trailed off and tried to leave before he stopped me.

“Donia, get back here.” God dammit. Too late. I stopped in my tracks. I did my very best to plaster on a smile that conveyed the idea that everything was alright and turned around.

“What’s up?” I asked. I put my arms around his waist and looked up at him. “Is something wrong?” I asked as if I had no clue why he would be mad at me.

“I don’t know Don, why don’t you tell me? What were you two talking about that is so secretive you can’t tell me, your boyfriend?

“Nothing.” I shook my head and fake laughed. “So do you want me to order you food during the show to eat after your set? Or should we just go to like a 24-hour place after the show?” I changed the subject.

“Stop changing the subject. I want to know what is going on!” He removed my arms from his waist and pushed me away. “I’m not an idiot and I’d appreciate not being treated like one.”

“I told you it wasn’t important. We were just talking about…your brother.” I quickly formulated a lie. Well only a half-lie because I did talk to Jimmy earlier.

“What about my brother?”

“Jimmy just explained everything to me and how he felt about me being around. So Austin and I were talking about how I need to figure out how to make him like me more. Not that he doesn’t now. I just think the whole thing is weird for him, you know? ” I continued to ramble on and I could visibly seeing him getting angrier.

“Whatever Donia. Come talk to me when you’re ready to tell the truth.” He threw his hands up and walked away. I then congratulated myself on a job well done at driving away the one of the few people who seemed to care about me lately.