Passenger Seat

I got up early in the morning at around 6 A.M. and took a quick bath. Man, Aunt Nessa was right, I could lay in that mattress for days. It felt like I was sleeping on a cloud. I checked on Michael before I headed downstairs and saw that he wasn’t in his bed anymore.

I jumped the last step and saw that the breakfast table was already set and Michael was sitting on the breakfast table eating some capt’n crunch all by himself.

30 minutes later we were on the road, it was pretty silent on the ride to school. But he did keep talking to me. He was having the time of his life explaining to me how Han solo was such a ‘butt face’ to Chewy. Chewy would’ve been a great Han solo and he didn’t need to die. Which I totally agree with. But I didn’t want to interrupt him so I shut up and drove.

This reminded me of the time my dad drove me to the first day of Freshmen Year. I remember that I was so nervous just seeing those big doors and those long steep steps, it freaked the hell out of me because it all seemed intimidating. My father told me on the drive over there his experience the first day of his freshmen year. He told me how he saw mom standing by the door way and he was instantly motivated to get up there. And everyday he got out of the bus, he would see her standing there, waiting for her friends. He found his motivation. His motivation wasn’t just my mother, his motivation was to actually get the balls to say hi or smile to her.

So one day, a Friday, on the way to school, my father decides that he was going to smile at her and ask her out on a date. But once he got to school, he saw that my mom was talking to some douche bag jock. So he didn’t even pass her by, he decided to walk in the other way. Once my father got in his class, her eyes and his eyes met, she sat down next to him and asked why she didn’t see him pass by her that morning.

Deep sigh, warms my heart every time I hear that story.

But the moral of the story is, You gotta find something that motivates you to get up. It doesn’t have to be a person; It could be an activity, a group of friends, or a subject. Anything that gets You up and makes you want to get through the day.

I found mine in You, you were the only reason I graduated and passed senior year. That’s why I’ve been so lazy lately.
We finally reached his school and I stopped in front of the stairs. I unlocked the door, smiled and waited for him to get out of the car. He didn’t, he just stared at me with his worried eyes.

“What’s the problem?”
“Mom usually comes with me to the classroom; I don’t know where to go.” He looked back at me with his sad little brown eyes.
I took a deep breath out and found a place to park. We got out of the car and I carried his little bag for him as we climbed up the stairs together. We didn’t have a hard time looking for his room actually. I could hear the nursery rhymes from a mile away. I opened the door for him and handed back his small pack.
“I’ll be back by 2, okay?” I reassured him with a smile.

He nodded and went inside classroom. I decided to observe for a while, like any concerned parent/guardian would do. I just wanted to see if he had any friends and if they were treating him nicely. I noticed after he hung up his bag, he didn’t run up to any of the kids in the group, he ran up to this guy in the back, sitting and fiddling with his phone. It was intensely peculiar to me, why would a full grown man be in a pre-K class?

I was guessing it was one of the teacher-assistants or whatever. Michael seemed to have a great time with him. They were high-fiving and laughing which made me calm down a bit more. I decided to stop being such a creeper like my mother and let them be.
I went back into the car and drove off. I had nothing else to do so I went to starbucks. Why the hell not? I deserved some coffee for getting up so early in the morning. I found the nearest store by a McDonalds and parked somewhere near there. I ordered the usual, a frappe. I was never too fancy with my orders because I actually hated the after-taste of coffee but I loved how it was sweet and cold. I know, if I wanted sweet and cold I should’ve just ordered an ice cream. That’s what You always said. But I liked feeling so grown up and ordering coffee.

I waited for my name to be called and sat on one of the couches. I wanted to seem busy so I flicked through some games on my phone, pretended to do important things and stuff. The lady called my name and I whipped my head to her direction. I saw my cool tall frappe waiting for me. I jumped up and before I could reach for it I heard someone call my name. I glanced at their direction and I was actually surprised to see a familiar face.

“Austin?” I rhetorically asked before he approached me.
“Long time no see!” Austin was one of Tim’s best friends from school, we were best friends in High School too, actually. He was the reason why Tim and I met at the first place.

The first time I actually had the pleasure of meeting Tim was at Austin’s birthday party and I remember loads of people crashing his house and I just stood there right beside him the whole night. Then I bumped into Tim, literally, bumped into him. His beer poured all over his god awful shirt. He cursed me first but at the end of the night, he had my number.

After he had placed his order, we sat down together and decided to do some overdue catching up. And I was amazed how we weren’t awkward at all. Like nothing happened, we didn’t recognize the fact that You had died. I mean, I knew we were both thinking about it. But it seemed like neither one of us wanted to talk about it. Who would like to talk about death anyways?

“So, how have you been, Darling?” he asked. Oh how I missed his Pet names. He used to call me all sorts of names: ‘Darling’, ‘Pickle’, ‘Sweetie pie’.
“I’ve been doing…better,” I nodded “How ‘bout you? Still living the American Dream?”
He giggled along and crossed his arms in front his chest. “Trying…I’ve actually just moved out to Gilbert, Actually.”
“That’s great to hear, Austin…Jesus Christ, How long has it been? a year?” I chuckled
“Three,” he half-heartedly smiled. “Last time I saw you was---at Tim’s wake.” He glanced down at his shoes for a second and continued smiling when he looked back up at me. “Well, I’m glad to hear that you’ve been doing good.” And right on cue, his name was called. “We should hang sometime. How long are you gonna be in Gilbert?”
“For about two weeks or so.”
“Alright, I’ll call you so we can hang out and stuff.”
“Deal.”
I smiled as he got up and grabbed his drink from the counter. He waved goodbye before leaving and closing the glass door behind him.
You have no idea how that made me feel. It absolutely terrified me and actually made me feel guilty. We were like two peas in a pod in high school. He was my best friend since freshmen year all the way up to senior year! And how could I ever lose a friend like him? I have to admit, I’m kind of a selfish bitch now. I knew I had to make it up to him.

***
I got back to Michael at around two o’clock, right on time…and maybe even a little bit late. I rushed to his classroom and found him there, but he wasn’t alone. He was with that teacher assistant I saw earlier, they were coloring and drawing and stuff. Now, I got a better view of him, he had red-ish brown hair, a checkered shirt on and some thick rimmed glasses.

I entered the room and immediately they both looked up at me. Michael wasn’t too happy to see me, he grabbed his pack and waved goodbye to the guy and stomped towards the door. I opened it for him and helped him out with his bag and before leaving, I took another quick glance into the classroom and he suddenly….disappeared? Must’ve left for the bathroom or something?

We got in the car as he rode shot gun again, he strapped himself in with the seat belt, and I got the chance to ask who that guy was.
“That’s Garrett, he’s my friend.” He replied while settling into the big seat.
“Oh, what does he do in the classroom?”
“Plays with us.”
Okay, this Garrett guy is starting to sound more like a pedophile than a Assistant-Teacher. But I shrugged the thoughts away and drove. He started asking questions again, and so I had to entertain some of them because I knew he was never gonna stop anyways.
“Where are we going?”
“Home.”
“Why?”
“Don’t you wanna go home?” I took a quick glance over to him
“No, I wanna play with Garrett.” He shook his head and looked irritated.
“Your friend must be a cool guy if you want to spend all this time with him.”
“You would too if you played with him!” he taunted.
I giggled “Maybe someday, buddy.”
The car went silent for a little while, thank the Lord. Then he suddenly asked one last question: “Who’s Tim?”
My eyes almost welled up, but I took a deep breath in. I didn’t want him to think that he made me upset or anything. “Tim? Oh, he’s my friend.”
“Just like Garrett?” He looked up to me with such hope lit eyes.
“Yep, but Tim wasn’t just a friend….He was my best friend.”
“What made him ‘best’? Did he ride any dragons? Saved any girls?”
“I think he did one or two things on that list.” I chuckled. This kid, man.
“Doubt he’s any better than Garrett though.”
I shook my head with a smile and kept on driving. I was sort of in the giving mood because today was actually an okay day. So I wondered if Michael wanted to go around some more
“Hey, what about some ice cream?” I grinned
“What about some pretzels instead?” he smiled in reply.
“Where are we supposed to find pretzels in Arizona?” I chuckled under my question
“I-I-I CAN SHOW YOU! YEAH! Dad and I used to go there all the time!”
“Alright, show me the way!”

He told me that it wasn’t too far from the school actually. Like he said, his dad and him used to go there all the time after school. I asked him why’d they stop going, he simply shrugged. I’m starting to think that he’s not well aware what actually happened between Aunt Nessa and his father. It worried me, I mean he’s their son. He has every right to know that his father is a liar.

“I just remember mom and dad shouting and the next day, he wasn’t here anymore,” My heart was breaking at this point. “Mom told me he went to work someplace else…I wish he should’ve just taken me with him.” He sighed to himself
“What? Then who’d take care of your mom?”
He shrugged again “She doesn’t need me.”
“You know she needs you, so much. I doubt she’d be able to walk without you.”
He giggled “That can’t be true! I’m sure she can walk without me!”
“I mean, Hypothetically.”
“What does hypothetically mean?”
“Its like you mean it, but you don’t.”
He looked at me doubtfully.
“Never mind.”
“THERE! THERE IT IS!!!”

I parked the car in the small lot by the shop. We stepped out and into this off white stucco walled, red roofed store. Glass panels all around and even a glass door. Michael ran before me and tried opening the door by himself. He tried, but it wouldn’t budge. I opened it for him and he ran straight to the smorgasbord of pretzels.

I suddenly heard his face and hands smack on the glass as I closed the door behind me. When I glanced up, I was surprised to see Austin behind the register, idly staring at nothing. I grinned as I approached him, he was in a yellow polo and had a red cheesy visor on. I passed by Michael grinning and marveling at the pretzels behind the glass.

“Livin’ the American dream indeed.” I smiled.
“Hey—Cassie! Hey! Wha—what are you doing here?” He certainly looked surprised, I think I even saw him blush a bit.
“My friend over there wanted some pretzels instead of ice cream.” I was referring to Michael.
Austin glanced at him and smiled “My kind of man!” He walked over to him “Alright, bud…What do you want?”
I thought how sweet it was for Austin to give all his attention to this one little boy, just because he loved pretzels more than ice cream.
“I want…Uhm, the original!...No, no, wait, the cheese filled. No, uh the caramel! No! Okay, the original!” Michael discerningly contemplated.
“And you’re absolutely sure about this?” Austin teased.
“Yes!”
Austin grabbed a fresh one from the kitchen and put it in a plastic bag with some tissues. “Be careful now, its still hot.” He grinned and handed it to him.

Michael smiled and hurried to a table. Austin giggled and shook his head. He looked at me and melted me with his smile. Wait, what? “Melt”? He’s definitely handsome, but uh, he’s just my best friend. I thought about it for a split-second and I knew I shouldn’t risk it…I couldn’t risk it. It really wouldn’t be a good idea.
“What about you, kiddo?” he turned his attention to me.
I shook my head in reply “No, I’m good.”
“You sure? Its on the house!” He nearly sang his boots off, which made me giggle.
I immediately caught myself and stopped “Yeah, I’m good. How much is it?” I reached for my wallet in my front pocket.
“No, no, no. Like I said, its on the house.”
“Really? I don’t—“
“How’s about this….You let me pay for this one, and come out to my gig tomorrow night.” He smirked, raising a brow at me while resting on the counter with his elbows.
“Alright, I’ll just give you a big tip then.”
“Gladly appreciated!” he nodded his head towards me as I left a ten dollar bill on the counter.
I suddenly felt a tug on my shirt, I looked beside me and saw Michael standing there with his pretzel already half eaten.
“Can we go now?”
“Yeah, sure, Just let me say goodbye to my friend, alright?” I turned to Austin as Michael ran towards the glass doors.
“Is he yours?”
“Mine? M-MY son? No, He’s my cousin! I just picked him up from school.”
“He’s a cute kid!”
“Alright, Alright, don’t get all pedophilic on me…I’ll see you tomorrow.” I started walking away
“Seven-thirty at the Jamin’ Java!” He noted before I left.
I opened the door for Michael and nodded towards Austin, gesturing that I got the memo. Michael strapped himself in the passenger seat and we drove home.

****
We got in front of the house and I parked the car there. We entered and immediately smelled the scent of homemade food fill up my nostrils, which made my mouth water. Wow. I missed this. My mom doesn’t cook. At all. I cook sometimes and other times, we’d order in. And that’s the story how I got so fat. I also missed having someone cook for me. Because I didn’t enjoy my cooking, at all. I guess the no cooking genes runs in the family.

While Michael headed up stairs, I went over to the Kitchen, in hopes I could get a little sample of dinner.
“Whoa! Smellin’ good.” I walked In there and saw Aunt Nessa slaving over this beast of a pot roast. Is it Christmas or something?
“Oh you guys are here! Where have you been?”
“Took Michael to the Pretzel shop.”
“Okay…” she replied, sounding quite disappointed.
“Wasn’t I supposed to take him there…? Did I spoil his dinner….? I’m sorry.”
“No, its fine!” she shook her head and continued cooking.
And then I caught on. I guess she was upset the I took him and not his father, like he should every Saturday but that lazy ass is too wasted every single day, he doesn’t even have the strength to carry himself every morning out of his couch.
“Aunt Nessa, can I ask you something?” I approached her slowly, and leaned into the marble table top.
“Yeah sure, shoot.” She openly replied.
“Does Michael know that you and Steve are over?” ‘Steve’ was the bastard.

She shook her head and avoided all eye contact with me. I knew that talking about this subject would make her feel iffy, but I never knew that talking about this subject with ME still made her feel awkward.

“Why not? He should know, he’s your son. What happens when he realizes his dad does come home…ever? Doesn’t call, writes, or even visits? What then?” I didn’t mean to sound so harsh but how can I address this in any other way?
“He doesn’t have to know just yet. He hasn’t asked me and I appreciate you for me so concerned about Michael, but he’s just a little boy. How could he understand any of this?” She stopped stirring and looked me dead in the eye.

I guess she was right, he is just a kid. I wish this wasn’t happening, I wish this wasn’t happening to them. I actually wouldn’t wish this on anyone. And I just hope that I’m not around when Michael starts asking Aunt Nessa about this.

I wouldn’t handle It.
I couldn’t handle it.