Mistakes

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. -Albus Dumbledore

It didn't matter how many times I tried to push the pain away, it always came back. It snuck up on me and hit my like a freight train. When I found out about Harry's little side dish he was enjoying, a switch flipped inside of me. It turned off my tolerance for bullshit. It made me become a completely different person then I normally was. I was no longer the boho stylish girl who was a childhood movie star and dated Harry Styles. I was the girl with bright hair that resembled Disney's Ariel, dressed grunge, and dated a tattooed skateboarded turned model.

And all because of a stupid boy.

"Lux, grab your cup. We gotta get going," I hollered.

"We see Nini?" She asked, barreling toward me. I nodded, swooping her up in my arms. "We're going to go see Nini and hang out with him and pig out! Does that sound good?"

She nodded her head making her resemble a bobble head and clapped her tiny hands together, cheering. I put her in her carseat and shut the door, then climbed in the driver seat. My car was a gift from my parents and manager on my eighteenth birthday last year. They went all out with lowering it and limo tinting the windows. They had some well known car design garage people around here fix it up and everything which I'm sure cost a pretty penny.

"Me sing wif Hally!" That made me sigh. "How about we sing with The Wanted instead? But you can tell Niall or anyone. Pinky promise, yeah?"

"Yeah! Yeah! Pinky pwomise!" She clapped. I chuckled and turned on the Bluetooth and connected it to my phone. Chasing The Sun came on, on my phones Pandora radio so it started playing through the car. We both sang along, her adding dance moves in every now and then.

I'm better
So much better now
I see the light, touch the light,
We're together now
I'm better
So much better now
Look to the skies, give me life
We're together now

We've only just begun
Hypnotized by drums
Until forever comes
You'll find us chasing the sun

They said this day wouldn't come
We refused to run
We've only just begun
You'll find us chasing the sun

Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll find us chasing the sun

Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll find us chasing the sun

When the daylight's fading
We're gonna play in the dark
'Til it's golden again
And now it feels so amazing
Can't see you coming
And we'll never grow old again
You'll find us chasing the sun

I'm never
I'm never down
Lying here, staring up
And you're looking down
I'm never
I'm never down
Live forever, forever
With you around

We've only just begun
Hypnotized by drums
Until forever comes
You'll find us chasing the sun

They said this day wouldn't come
We refused to run
We've only just begun
You'll find us chasing the sun
The sun, the sun, the sun, the sun, the sun
You'll find us chasing the sun

Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll find us chasing the sun

Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll find us chasing the sun

When the daylight's fading
We're gonna play in the dark
'Til it's golden again
And now it feels so amazing
Can't see you coming
And we'll never grow old again
You'll find us chasing the sun

You'll find us chasing the sun
You'll find us chasing the sun
You'll find us chasing the sun
You'll find us chasing the sun
You'll find us chasing the sun

When the daylight's fading
We're gonna play in the dark
'Til it's golden again

And now it feels so amazing
Can't see it coming
And we'll never grow old again
You'll find us chasing the sun

Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll find us chasing the sun

Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll find us chasing the sun

By the time we reached Niall's house the song had changed and it was a Justin Bieber song. We marched right in the front door and headed for the kitchen where we knew we'd find him. That kid was always eating. And indeed we found him! Stuffing his face with crisps and a sandwich to be exact.

"Logan, Lux! So nice to see you!" He exclaimed. Lux giggled and ran around the island, attacking his legs in a hug. "Nini! Me hungy!"

As he got her food, I kissed her temple and then did the same to him. "I'm gonna go. Bye loves," I spoke. "And remember, no sugary foods or drinks, she needs her diaper checked and changed. If you have any trouble call me and if I don't answer, call Harry."

He held his hands up. "I know! I know! Now go!" With one last goodbye and wave, I walked out the door.


"You can go on up, Miss Masters," Eve, the secretary said. "Mr. Cowell is waiting." I nodded in thanks and headed to the small set of glass stairs. I knocked on the door before I stepped in.

"Ahh, Logan, so nice to see you! How have you been?" He greeted. Contrary to popular belief, he was a big sweetheart. He loved the lads and he loved me. He thought of the boys as sons and he thought of me as a daughter. And that was why I came to him.

"It's nice to see you too." We hugged before sitting down. "Ehh, I've been better. That's actually why I came to see you."

He raised his brows as he leaned back in his expensive leather chair. "Well, speak away my dear."

So I did. I just let it all out. "I'm not sure what made Harry become the person he is, but I don't like it. When he promised me he would never hurt me the way he did, I believed him. But..." I trailed off. "But I don't know why he did it, and I want to."

He looked torn. Like he didn't know what to do. Like he knew something that I didn't. But then again, he knew everything. He was Simon Cowell for shit sakes. He knew anything and everything. Even if he didn't want to know, he knew. I didn't like that. He knew. He knew why Harry cheated. And he kept it from me.

"You know," I stated. That caused him to sigh. "You know why he did it."

"Logan—"

"Don't Logan me. Just tell me." Everyone knew but me. "I'm a big girl. I can handle it."

He didn't say anything at first. And that made me even more mad. The man who I thought of as a father was keeping something -that affected me- from me. "He chose to do it. Loren, their publicist, okayed it."

I was silent. I was too shocked to say anything. Their publicist okayed it. The label was okay with him doing it. He cheated on me. He chose to cheat on me. He chose to cheat on me.

"How could you?" I whispered. "How could you do that to me? To us?"

He ran his hand over his hair. "I didn't do it. He did it. He brought it up to Loren and she okayed it. I had nothing to do with it." But he did.

A few tears ran down my face. "But you did. You knew about it and you let him. Loren has to run everything by you, I know that for a fact. I've been in this business for a while."

"Don't make me out to be the bad guy." He was mad. I could tell. "He did it. He chose to do it. He's an adult."

I choked out a laugh. "Why'd you let him do it?"

He mumbled something but I didn't catch it. "What?" He sighed loudly, before answering. "He did it for attention; to get more fans. They just released the new album and they needed it. That was his reasoning anyway. And I saw his point. They needed to broaden their fan base and that's what they did. They got Taylor fans to convert to 1D fans."

Standing up, I gathered my purse and slipped it over my shoulders. When I turned to walk out of his office, he spoke up. "Don't —"

"I gotta go." And with that said, I left. The tears never came. I don't know why either. Maybe deep down I was expecting something like that. It was like I was numb. When I arrived at Niall's, Louis and Harry's cars were in his driveway. Great. As I closed the door my phone vibrated with a text.

Me and Tom are an hour or so away. We'll be there to get Lux as soon as we get home. :)

Okie dokie. Niall has her.

"Niall, I need you to watch Lux. Lou and Tom should be here in a few." I didn't even go further then the foyer. "I'll bring her stuff back over."

Lux came barreling into the foyer and straight into my legs. "Lolo! Lou and Hally's here! Come play!"

I shook my head. "I can't love bug. I have...I just can't." She pouted as Louis appeared in front of us with her sippy cup and a cup of his own. He took one look at me and his face fell. "I told you not to push it," he sighed. "He was supposed to tell you on his own time."

"I took matters into my own hands. Since no one was willing to help me, I helped myself," I snapped. "Simon told me everything."

"Lo—"

"Don't even, Louis," I snapped again. "Don't even."


"Oh, um, hey Mum and Dad! What're you doing here!?" I shouted, pushing Harry off of me. He fell off the couch and to the floor with a loud thud and a groan. My mum and dad just barged into my flat without a phone call or text. And Harry and I were...well we were in a very heated make out session.

"Well 'ello Logan, dear!" My mum exclaimed. My dad didn't look as happy. But what father would when he just walked in on a guy shoving his tongue down his daughters throat and a hand up her shirt. "Hey Mum. What're you guys doing here?"

She shrugged, coming around the couches. Harry rushed to sit beside me and quickly placed a throw pillow in his lap. I squeezed my lips together, trying my hardest not to laugh. My parents didn't know we were an item. I didn't tell them, the gossip magazines did. My dad of course did the typical father thing and said he had to meet him -which he already has since we grew up together, but he's retarded- and my mum was overjoyed.

"You're father wanted to come see you and we decided now was better then ever," she spoke. "'Ello Harry. How are you?"

He grimly smiled. "Hi Mrs. Masters. I'm just peachy and you?"

She grinned, crossing her legs. "Well I'm just swell, thank you for asking. Flannery, come sit down. You wanted to come see our only child and you're standing over there like the Queens guards at the Buckingham Palace." He sent her a look as he came over and sat on the couch opposite us, beside her.

"Don't start with me, Madelyn," he spoke. He then took his eyes off of her and moved them to Harry who was clearly uncomfortable. Harry had his left arm thrown on the back of the couch behind me, while his right arm was holding the pillow in place in his lap. "Listen up, boy," my dad started. Harry tensed but turned his attention to my father nonetheless.

"You hurt her and I'll hurt you. Ten times worse. So I suggest you don't fuck up and do anything stupid."

Harry swallowed, loud enough for me to hear. "I, uh...I won't, sir. I swear on my career that I won't."


My life wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be all peaches and cream. But it was breakups and broken hearts. I guess you never get what you ask for.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Take it from someone who's been through it.

Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

I guess in the end you need to fall in love, and then out of love. Pain is something you have to feel. Love is something you have to feel. Hate is something you have to feel. You aren't human unless you have feelings. Don't let those feelings destroy you. They are what makes you the person you are. Feel love. Feel hate. Feel pain. Feel human. Feel like yourself.