I Wanna Be Sedated

I was laying on my bed, Ricky was on his. I was thinking. About Ricky, mostly. But Tony floated around in my head as well. I mean, they were both so cute. Both funny, and smart, and sweet. They were both everything you could ever wish for in a guy. Yet, even though I was with Ricky, I felt like something was missing. Don't get me wrong, I love Ricky with all my heart. I just think that maybe, I might still have feelings for Tony...? No, that can't be it. I can't still like him, he has Vic. He has Vic, and I have Ricky. Ricky, my amazin-.

My thoughts were cut off by Ricky straddling my waist. I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. He only smirked and leaned down, kissing me. I deepened it and ran my hands up and down his thighs. He switched out kissing my lips for licking and sucking my neck. It didn't take him long to find my soft spot. I moaned loudly, griping his thighs. I felt him smile against my neck as he kept going. I was getting so turned on, and so many things were swimming through my head that I messed up. I made the worst mistake possible.

"Oh, Tony!" I practically screamed. We both froze up, and I knew I was in for deep shit. He leaned back slowly. When we locked eyes, I saw the most hurt expression cross his face.
"W-what did you just s-say?" He asked. I blinked.
"Rick, I am so s-." He shook his head, getting off of me.
"Ricky, let me explain, please!" I begged, standing up. He laughed without humor.

"I should've known, I should've fucking known! You never liked me! You only used me to get over Tony, didn't you?!" He asked, I couldn't think let alone speak.
"Didn't you?!" He shouted. I shook my head.
"I love you, Ricky." I whispered. He rolled his eyes.
"Love, my ass! You are nothing but a selfish little prick. All you care about is yourself and your precious little Tony. Well you know what? Keep him! I don't want you anymore! Stay the fuck away from me!" With that, he left, slamming the door on his was out.

I dropped back onto my bed. I fucked up. I fucked up so bad, I don't even know how to fix it. I was hurting so bad. My heart felt like it was being tortured in my chest. My eyes stung with unshed tears. Everything just... hurt. And I wanted it all to just stop. So, without thinking it through, I grabbed my lighter. I flicked it on and watched the flames burn. The beautiful flames that I've loved for so many years. Then, I had a flashback of that night.
~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback because I can't fucking italicize~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Chris, why don't you go upstairs?" My mom asked, looking at me.
"Mom, I didn't mean to do I-." She cut me off.
"Just fucking go!" She yelled. I flinched, then turned and ran to my room.

I got in trouble with some teacher. Shoved him and got suspended for a few days. Five, I think? Whatever. I pulled my shirt off, grabbing my cigarettes. I flicked the lighter on, and just watched the flames. Those beautiful red, yellow, and orange flames. They were so perfect. I smiled lightly, then leaned down and lit my shirt on fire. I watched the fire burn through the shirt. I knew I should've put it out, but I couldn't. It was too mesmerizing. Suddenly, the door burst open. My my was screaming, and trying to put out the flames. When she did, she yelled at me. Thinking I was trying to burn the house down. I wasn't, I was just lost in the fire. But of course she didn't believe me. So she sent me here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End of Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I flicked the lighter off long enough to pull my sleeves up. Then, I turned it back on. I burned five new spots into my wrist, working on the sixth when the door slammed open.

"Chris, you will never-! What the fuck are you doing?!" Tony yelled. He ran over to me, snatching the lighter away. I broke down right then and there. I cried and clung to Tony.
"Oh, Chris. What's wrong?" He whispered, petting my head.
"R-r-Ricky B-broke up w-with me!" I sobbed.
"Why Chris? What happened?" Tony asked, concerned. I shook my head.
"If I tell you, you'll hate me too." I whimpered. He lifted my head up towards his.
"I could never hate you Chris. Just please, tell me?" He begged. I sighed.

"Well, I had been thinking about a lot of things. Ricky and you. How you both are so similar yet so different. And he started kissing me. And then he was licking and sucking my neck." I motioned to the hickey I was sure was on my neck.
"And everything got confusing and I... I accidentally.... I moaned your name...." I said softly. He started rubbing my back.
"Oh Chris, it was a mistake." He stated. I nodded.
"I tried to explain it to him, but he left me! He fucking left me and everything hurts so fucking bad!" I yelled. He started whispering in my ear. Telling me everything would be okay. Suddenly, a song popped into my head. Well, a chorus did. I grabbed my lyric book and a pen.

'I never had the words to say, but I can quote them all
I am human and I need to be loved (JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE DOES)
So Morrissey, please sing me to sleep (SING ME TO SLEEP)
As I live and breathe, you have killed me. You have killed me

I'M NOT YOU PUPPET
SO CUT THE STRINGS AND FREE ME FROM YOUR HANDS
GET FUCKING OVER ME, MOVE'

I smiled. Music was the only thing besides burning that kept me sane. Tony read the lyrics and smiled, too.

"This is really amazing Chris! Like seriously, this is really good!" He exclaimed. I blushed slightly.
"You really think so?" I asked softly. He nodded.
"For sure!" He said, excitedly. I was glad for a friend like Tony. He was amazing. I opened my arms, silently asking for a hug. Tony wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him. Someone else walked in just then, and I heard them mumbled something that made my heart break.

"Fucking slut." Ricky hissed. Tony stiffened then spun around. He seemed pissed.
"What the FUCK is your problem Olson?!" He yelled. Ricky smirked.
"Right now, it's you and that whore over there." He said, nodding towards me. Ow...
"Tony, where's my lighter."I whispered. He looked back to me, jumping up.
"No Chris! No fucking way! I'm not giving it back." He said sternly. I frowned.

"It's my fucking body! If I want to cover myself from burns head to toe, it's my fucking business, not yours!" I yelled back to him. Ricky froze.
"Wait, what?" He whispered. Tony laughed without humor but didn't face him.
"Show him your arm Chris." Tony demanded. I shook my head.
"He won't care anyways." I sneered, looking to Ricky. His eyes widened.

"C-Chris, what did you do?" He asked worridley. I rolled my eyes.
"Chris, I'm sorry okay?! I'm sorry for everything I did and said! I was just upset! Not at you, at myself. I mean, of course you'd pick someone like Tony over someone like me-." I growled at him, making him stop.
"I never fucking said I picked him over you! I had a lot on my fucking mind and I got confused! If you even took a fucking SECOND to listen to me, you would've known that! But no, I'm the bad guy, right?! I'm the slut, the whore, the worst boyfriend ever, huh?!" I snapped. Ricky whimpered.

"I'm sorry Chris." He whispered.
"It's going to take a hell of a lot more than that Olson." I growled. He shrugged.
"Fine then, I'll just, I'll sing." I opened my mouth to talk, but he turned around and grabbed his guitar from beside his bed. He sat on his bed, tuning it. Then, he strummed a few chords, and started singing.

"My heart heart is a time bomb
Only seconds to go
Self-destructing as my chest explodes

Heart is a time bomb
And I thought you should know
You're killing me quickly
But it feels so slow

I'll put my bite marks on your neck
But that's nothing to the razors
On your lips

So come on gorgeous, kiss my wrists
I'll bleed until my blood runs out
And you ripped into my...

My heart is a time bomb
Only seconds to go
Self-destructing as my heart explodes

Heart is a time bomb
And I thought you should know
You're killing me quickly
But it feels so slow
So slow." He sang.

I ran to him and pulled him into a hug. He hugged me back, then pulled away.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll say it however many times I need to so you can forgive me." He whispered.
"I already have." I said, smiling slightly. He smiled back. Then, I remembered something.
"Tony, what were you so excited about when you came in here?" I questioned. He looked confused before realization set in. His face lit up. This should be good.