I Wanna Be Sedated

3 Months later

I knew Vic would be upset with me, but I had to tell him. He deserves to know. I knew it'd hurt him, that he'd be disappointed in Me, but I love him. I love him, and he needs to know.

I was pacing our room, waiting for Vic to come back after talking to Alex and Jack. They weren't all "out and about" with their dating like me and Vic or Mike and Oli or even Austin and Alan. But it was obvious. They'd share kisses and hugs and they were really fucking adorable. I could tell they had a great relationship.

"Tone?" I heard Vic's voice. I whirled around to face him. I hadn't realized I had stopped pacing. Or that he came into the room.
"Vic, hey. Um, what's up?" I asked, nervously. He cocked an eyebrow.
"Everything alright Tone?" He asked carefully. I shook my head and looked down. Now or never.
"We need to talk Vic." I whispered.
"W- what? Are you breaking up with me? Did I do something wrong? Whatever it is, I'll fix it! I promise! I swear! I- I. You can't leave me Tony! Please!" My head snapped up at the panic in his voice. I took his hand, and led him to our my bed. I took a deep breath. He loves you Tony. He won't leave you. He'll help you though this.

"Vic, before I tell you, I need you to promise you won't hate me. Or leave me. I just- I need you to be here for me." I whispered desperately. He squeezed my hand.
"I promise Tony. Please, just tell me. You're starting to scare me." He begged. I took a deep breath, and released my hand from Vic's. I rolled up the sleeves of my crewneck (funny how he didn't realize me wearing long sleeves for the past two months).

I heard Vic gasp, and yank my arm. I hissed in pain, and he relaxed his grip, but didn't let go. I dared a look up, and my heart broke at his facial expression. It was a mix between hurt, betrayal, and disappointment. I took and deep breath, and let it out. Vic snapped his head up, as if just realizing I was still there, and I could see the tears filling his eyes.

"Why Tony? We made a promise! You swore you'd stop! All of those months, how could you?! Why the fuck are you doing this to me?!" He snapped. I growled, and yanked my arm back, ignoring the pain that shot up it.
"I'm so fucking sorry to inconvenience your life Victor. But you have no idea what the fuck's been going through my head!-" I shouted, only to be cut off.
"I don't?! How can you dare say I don't?!" He yelled back. I jumped up.
"Because... because... You just don't! Your parents may not had been there, but you had Mike! You had someone to help you!" I cried. Vic got up, and pulled me to him. I cried on his shoulder.
"I feel so alone Vic. And... And everything just hurts. I'm sorry. I'm so, so fucking sorry. Just please, please don't leave me." I whispered. Vic held me tighter.
"Never Tony. I'll never leave. We're in this together. You and me. I promise." He whispered back. I nodded, and he sat on the bed, pulling me onto his lap.

This was what I loved. How we could go from arguing to cuddling in no time. Vic was truly amazing. He deserved someone way better than me, yet he picked me. I don't think he realizes how lucky I feel to have him, but I know he realizes how much I love him.

"I'm sorry Vic. I tried to stop. I really did." I whispered, cuddling into him even more. He nodded and rubbed my hip.
"It's okay baby. I understand. Self harm is an addiction and it's serious whether it's five cuts or one hundred cuts. You of all people know I dealt with self harm. Even before I got here. That's when it was the worst. I was alone and I got beat up all the time. So I cut to ease the pain. But I realized I wasn't the only one I hurt when I cut. I found to wait it out though Tony. That it gets better. I wrote music instead of going to the blade. I found out that Mike looks up to me, that you love me, and I stopped for you guys. So please Tony, when you're ready, throw away the blades. Go to playing guitar instead. I believe you can do it. I will be here if you feel like giving in. I love you Tony, so much." He stated, still rubbing my hip. I had silent tears running down my face.

I disappointed him. I broke my promise to Vic after everything he's been through. After everything we've been through. I jumped up, and ran to the bathroom. Do it Tony. Don't think about it, just do it. I whispered to myself. I rummaged through the medicine cabinet and found my blade. My escape. My savior. I grabbed my other two, and stared at them. All still perfectly sharp. All ready whenever I was to carve up my skin with.

The door busted open, and Vic stepped in. He looked from me to the blades and back. He sighed, and stared at me. I ran into a stall, not even bothering to lock the door. I heard Vic run in behind me. He was asking me what I was doing, but I ignored him. Do it now Antonio! Now! I took a deep, shaky breath, and let them go. I watched them drop into the toilet, and I flushed them.

I heard breath a sigh of relief. I turned around and pulled Vic into me. I help onto him tightly, and he hugged me back, burying his face into my neck. Those blades were no longer my escape. They weren't my savior. No, that was Vic. From now on, I'd turn to him. We'd get through everything because we had each other, and that's all we needed.

"I love you Antonio Perry." He whispered. I pulled away and pecked his lips.
"And I love you Victor Fuentes." I whispered back.