Dont Judge A Book By The Size Of Its Wrists.

GinaMaries POV

I looked out onto the huge stage, in just a few minutes I would be up there, guitar in hand, spilling my secrets to strangers, oddly enough I wasn’t nervous. I was just ready, it was about time someone knew about me. I turned to Kelly and the huge camera in her hand and smiled, “I’m going to make all these little girls wet from my misery.”

“Gina, they’re like 16…”

“Wet with tears, Kelly, tears. Goodness.” I winked and looked around for the twins, making eye contact with Sara, who obviously just showered, her hair was dripping and she was in an old hoodie and jeans. She saw me and smiled, running over towards me and Kelly.

“Are you excited?!”

“Sara! You’re going to get a cold! Go dry your hair!” Kelly’s voice was full of concern.

Sara just brushed it off, and turned to me, “I’m going to be here the whole time, watching you, no pressure or anything. Atleast you have something to look forward to when you get done.”

“I do?” putting my guitar strap around my shoulders, “What’s that?”

She just smiled and pointed at her hair. “It’s all yours!”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “Deal. Where’s Tegan?” The twins smile faded, and she looked towards Kelly, “Tegan, uh…She found herself a hobby; she’s over somewhere flirting with another troubled soul.”

“Ah, well, that’s nice. I’m gonna go now.” I gave the camera one last wave and walked towards the screaming crowd.

“Hello everybody! My name is GinaMarie, how’s everyone doing??”

I smiled big and waited for the crowd to quiet a little, I felt so strange up there, I’d never been on a real stage before. It was like my tiny body took up a little dot on the stage, I was a dot. But I wasn’t afraid of feeling small. My set contained 7 songs; I completed my 6th one, and sat down, feet dangling off the stage.

“So guys, let’s get a little deep here, this next song was kind of inspired by this place…in more of a negative way, actually. Anyway, so about a year ago Seattle took my big sister, so there’s definitely this negative connotation that comes along with being here, I’d actually used to visit at least once a month, just right up the hill from here.” I said, pointing in the direction I thought she lived, “The month I couldn’t make it down, a darkness visited her, and convinced her she’d be better off not existing than to be here alone, so two days before my birthday, I found out my big sister had killed herself…any way, I’m sorry for leaving on such a sad note, but I know Tegan and Sara will make you forget about the black cloud I brought you guys under. This is for you Bridgette.”

O' sister,
What's wrong with your mind?
You used to be, so strong and stable.

My sister, What made you fall from grace?
I'm sorry that I, was not there to catch you.
What have the demons done?
What have the demons done with the luminous light,
That once shined from your eyes?
What makes you feel so alone?
Is it the whispering ghosts, that you fear the most?

But the blackness in your heart won't last forever.
I know it's tearing you apart,
But it's a storm you can weather.

O' sister,
Those lines etched in your hands
They're hardened and rough
Like a road map of sorrow

My sister,
There is a sadness on your face.
You're like a motherless child, whose longing for comfort.

What's running through your veins, that's causing you such pain?
Does it have something to do, with the pills they gave to you?
What is eating at your soul?
Was it the whispering ghost, that left you out in the cold?

But the blackness in your heart, won't, last forever.
I know it's tearing you apart
But it's a storm you can weather.

I quickly waved to the audience, my eyes wet with emotion. I was met by Kelly, arms wrapped around me tight, “You were so brave; you have to look at the footage I got. You spoke to people GinaMarie.”

“I never thought anyone but you would hear that song…” I said against her chest as I wiped my last tears away. I felt a sense of relief leave me, like somehow telling all those people face to face about such a big event in my life, that maybe I wasn’t just a small dot after all, maybe I was somebody important.

“You are my new idol GinaMarie…” Sara’s watery eyes met mine, “Honestly, you were so vulnerable, in this magnificent powerful way. It’s really hard to explain…but everyone out there, they are now your fans. They’re going to go tell their best friends who couldn’t make it about you, they’re going to go to the sad souls in their lives and tell them that there is someone else that knows what they’re going through…They’re going to look up to you, listen to your music, because some how, fate brought them here, fate gave them a voice to listen to….Fate gave them you, GinaMarie.” She squeezed me tight.

Just in that moment, Tegan and a small blonde girl, who definitely needed her roots done, walked up, “You’re going on stage looking like that?” she raised her eyebrow at her twin as the girl hanging off her arm giggled.

“Oh. Fuck. Gina! Lets go, we have 15 minutes!” she grabbed my hand and rushed past the new couple, leaving Kelly, the camera and her fans behind.

“Stop wiggling!”

“I can’t help it! I’m trying to find an outfit!”

I turned on my flat iron, sectioning out her hair, “I’ve got one for you. It’ll take two seconds.” I walked away, grabbing a navy and white striped shirt, a black blazer and some black skinnies. “Lets keep it simple tonight. You’re red converse would look good too. It’ll give you some sort of colour.” I finished her look by adding a smokey eye, which really made her brown eyes pop. “There. You look beautiful. You better show Kelly before you get on set.” I winked as she examined her face, her toothy smile told it all.

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” We started back to the stage, the cool May sun just starting to set. “I’m sorry about Tegan...”

“What’s there to be sorry for?” I casually put my hands in my pocket.

“I don’t know; I always feel like I have to apologize for her childish behavior.”

“You’re so weird Sara; you are your own person. Just remember that. Besides, I’m glad she found someone…”

She smiled, “Yeah? I’m not too sure about this one. You gonna watch the set?”

“I think I’m going to watch it from a far…I need to just get my mind at peace, ya know? I swear I’ll watch the next one…it’s just this place Sara.”

She nodded understandingly, as we walked up to Kelly, Tegan and the blonde girl.

“Gina, this is Christia.”

The girl looked at me as she lit a cigarette, “Oh, you’re the girl with the dead sister right? Yeah…Not a fan of your set, good thing these girls are here, am I right?”

Her toothy smile made me want to punch her face, and Sara instantly tensed up, Tegan on the other hand seemed oblivious, and shrugged, which made me even more furious. “Is that how teenagers talk these days? Cute. Now, why don’t you skip buying a couple packs of cigarettes and do something about your shitty hair.” With that I took her cigarette before she could take a drag and stormed off, away from the stage, away from the noise. I just kept walking, my mind hadn’t a clue where I was going, but my feet did, it took me right to where I needed to be; the hair dye section of a drug store. It sounds so stupid, but being a hairdresser, whenever I got stressed or totally bummed out I would end up doing my hair. I grabbed the brightest red dye I could find, silently cursing myself for buying box dye. But at that moment I couldn’t really care less.

“What should I do with you?” I asked, thirty minutes later, bright red hair wavy and dripping. I took my third shot of the evening, and grabbed my clippers, shaving the right side of my hair; hairline to behind my ear. Perfect. I said, smiling to myself. The red seemed to draw out a nice tone of green in my eyes, making them appear more aqua than blue; I made the look even more dramatic as I put my eyeliner on. Slipping back into my mauve pants and a plain white v neck, I made my way back to Kelly.

It was about half way through their set when met up with Kelly, her eyes gave me quizzical look as she went from my hair to the drink in my hand. “Good night, eh?”

“Living the dream my friend, living the dream.”

“Why isn’t Tegan mentioning me?” Christia pouted from behind Kelly. “If she doesn’t in the next 2 songs, I’m going to be pissed.”

“Are you a real person?” I asked, genuinely concerned for this whiney woman.

“Are you stupid?”

“Is that even relevant?”

“You’re really ugly with red hair, you know that? It makes your eyes freaky looking.”

I took a big gulp of my whiskey, “I’m not drunk enough for this.”

“Ginamarie, slow your role bird. It’ll all be over soon.” Kelly said, glaring at Christia.

“You know lesbians aren’t supposed to have long hair? I bet you don’t even like Sara, you’re in it for the fame.”

I took the last swig of my drink and gave the cup to Kelly. “You back the fuck off my best friend you hear?” I got dangerously close, which made her smile even more wicked.

“Oh? Should I just direct all my insults at you, ugly? What makes you think you’re good enough to be on this planet? Why don’t you take a lesson from your sissy and leave?” Her voice was dripping with mockery, and I lost it, my fist met her face at such a quick speed she didn’t know how she ended up sprawled on the ground. I got one more punch in before Kelly came and pulled me off of her.

Glaring I spit on the grass next to her, “People like you are the reason others hurt themselves. I hope you can live with that.” I whispered a quiet apology to Kelly and walked away as she wailed from the ground.

“What the fuck were you thinking?! You’re fuckin off the fuckin tour Ginamarie, who the fuck do you think you are? You’re such a fuckin bitch I’m done with you. Leave.” Tegan stormed in the bus, her voice was pure hatred.

Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I got off the couch and went to grab my things, “Wait a fuckin second Tegan.” My best friend chimed in, still holding the camera. “Take a seat and watch what went down before you go calling my bestfriend a bitch.” She thrusted the camera in her hand as Sara entered followed by a crying Christia.

“What the fuck is she still doing here?” She whimpered at Tegan.

Kelly clenched her fists as Sara tried to console her, “I should ask the same question about you, you little rat.”

I continued to pack, ignoring all the screams coming from the front of the bus, taking drinks of my whiskey in between shoving things into my bag. Half a bottle later, my bags were packed and I was on my way out to the front of the bus. It suddenly turned quiet when my face appeared, “Don’t worry I’m leaving.” I kept my eyes on the ground and walked towards the door.

“Wait.” Tegans voice cracked. I stopped, though I couldn’t bring myself to look back at her. “I’m really sorry. Don’t leave…It was all her fault. I’m so sorry.”

I just shook my head and kept walking, until I realized that drunken me and two suitcases were not a fair match, clumsily I sat down and leaned against a tree.

A pair of tattooed arms wrapped around me, “Ginamarie. Listen to me please? I’m so sorry. I am… I was just embarrassed, you seem so well put together and so calm all the time, I feel like I have to try and out do you. Its really hard for me to explain, I just needed to have someone more of a wreck around me to make me feel not so shitty about myself, please come back on the bus…” Her voice was the softest I’d ever heard, and her arms were stronger than I gave her credit for, when she picked me up and walked me over to the bus, handing me to Kelly who walked me over to the bunk while Sara was apologizing over and over.

“I just want to sleep forever.”