Passenger Seat

Over the next week or so, things started to change. At least for me. I was pulling back from Niall without even consciously realizing it. I didn’t sleep at his flat anymore and I didn’t let him sleep at mine. I wanted to be with him, I really did, but I was just… I don’t know, uncomfortable now. The reality check of the pregnancy scare really affected me.

I could see in his eyes that he was bothered by it, but he didn’t comment. In my warped mind I was bothered that he was letting me push him away, but really, what was he supposed to do?

“Are you ignoring him on purpose?” Blue asked me. We were sitting in our flat watching Sweat The Small Stuff, and Niall had called once and texted be twice in the past hour.

I shrugged, “I’m spending time with you, he can wait.”

She turned her whole body to face me on the couch, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“There’s not much to tell.”

“Why don’t we start with how you’ve barely seen him since that night he came over after the pregnancy scare?”

Sometime, I really hated that she could read me so well. Having a best friend you’ve known your whole life is awesome until moments like these. “We’re taking things slower now.”

“There’s a difference between ‘taking things slower’ and completely pulling away, Ayden.”

I sighed, “I know, I can’t help it okay?” I bit my lip, “It’s like every time he touches me now I get anxiety almost, like the feeling I had when I thought I was pregnant. I don’t know how to change it.”

“You shouldn’t be in your head so much. That’s always been your problem,” she reminded me.

“It’s hard to change 20 years of myself.”

“I know, but I’ve been working at it,” she shot. I scoffed at her comment trying not to laugh. She stretched out her limbs, “I should go finish packing. Leaving in 2 days,” she reminded me.

“Do you need any help?”

She shook her head, “No but you should go see your boyfriend.”

I rolled my eyes as she walked out of the room. I sighed, grabbing my phone to check the text from Niall.

We need to talk.

Well, I guess I had to face the music sometime.

*****

“Hey,” Niall greeted as I walked it. His tone and awkwardness on his face didn’t go unnoticed.

“Hi.”

He scratched the back of his neck and cleared his throat, “You wanna sit?” he gestured to the couch.

I shrugged and sat down. He left a good space between us when he sat. “So…”

He cleared his throat again, “What’s going on here?”

“I don’t know,” I said looking down.

“I know… I know that you got freaked with the pregnancy scare Ayden. And I understand, I really do.” He sighed, “But you’re avoiding me.”

“I don’t mean to.”

“Well it still hurts,” he shot. “You avoid my calls, when I touch you, you tense up. You hardly let me kiss you anymore.” He paused again, letting his words hang there between us, “If this how it is after only a week, how will it be in 2 weeks? A month?” He looked away, “It hurts Ayden.”

I couldn’t handle the hurt in his voice. I knew my actions were affecting him, I just didn’t think they were this bad. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I honestly don’t even realize I do it, until later when I think back.”

“I just… I love you Ayd. So much, and I don’t want to lose you. But I also don’t know how to keep you when you’re doing this. I’m not going to force someone to be around me.”

“I want to be with you,” I insisted. “It’s just that, that scare really fucked with my mind. I mean, we got lucky Niall. Do you get that if things were different, I could be pregnant right now? That doesn’t affect you at all?”

“Of course it does. I know we’re not ready for that, and we did get lucky. But you aren’t pregnant. We’re fine.”

I nodded, “I know, it’s just, I can’t help it. Without even realizing it I get anxious around you. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. I just… You have to be patient with me. Help me out here. If you notice I’m being weird, say something.”

He was quiet, taking in my words. I needed him to understand. That scare really affected me and I can’t figure out how to get back to normal. “Okay,” he said after a moment. “We can work on this, I’ll help you.”

“Thank you,” I smiled, biting my lip. His hand moved to grab mine, before he changed his mind and placed in back on the couch. I felt terrible that he was afraid to touch me now, I hate that I’ve become weird with him. I slowly reached over and grabbed his hand, lacing my fingers between his. “I love you, Niller.”

“I love you too.”

I scooted to get rid of the space between us. I felt the need to reassure him that we were going to be okay. He looked down at me, his stare was telling me that he wouldn’t be making the first moves anymore, at least not for a while. If I wanted anything from him, I’d have to initiate it.

I reached up and placed my hand on his cheek, my thumb caressing his cheekbone. I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his and just tried to enjoy the closeness. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want our relationship to be awkward, but I wasn’t sure how to completely fix it. There were things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t figure out how to say them. Everything that passed through my brain wasn’t good enough.

I brushed my lips against his, and I felt him freeze against me, “Ayden,” he breathed against my lips, “You don’t-”

“I want too,” I insisted before I placed my lips on his firmly. He kissed me back, but he was letting me dominate the situation. When I ran my tongue against his bottom lip, he didn’t open his mouth to me. I fisted his shirt trying to bring him closer to me, anything to get him to just let this happen. I was trying to reassure him and he wasn’t letting me, “Niall,” I pleaded before kissing him again.

He sighed before his opened his mouth and really kissed me. It was the deep kiss that always, always made my heart race and knees feel wobbly. I slowly crawled onto his lap, getting closer to him as we kissed. I didn’t want to have sex, but I just wanted to try and get back to at least some normalcy and this was the only way I knew how.

His hands met my hips, and he rolled so I was back on the couch. He pulled his lips from mine and leaned against my forehead again, both of us breathing heavily. He stared into my eyes, they were hooded and completely sexy in that moment. He reached up and tucked some of my hair behind my ear, “Will you stay and watch a movie?”

I kissed his cheek, “Yeah. I’d like that.”

*****

I ended up staying at Niall’s. We fell asleep on the couch watching a movie, and I woke up with him under me and his arms securely wrapped around me. He looked so peaceful in his sleep, even when I was completely sprawled out on top of him. I wanted to get back to normal, let this anxiety go, because I loved him too much to let it just come between us.

I left not long after he woke up, he had a meeting to get too, so after he kissed me goodbye I headed back to my flat. When I got there, I found Blue there with Max. Her suitcase was in the middle of the living room. “What’s going on here?” I asked walking in.

“Max says I have too much stuff.”

“It’s because you do babe!”

She scoffed, “Um, no I don’t. We’re going on tour for 6 months, then headed to Sound Wave, we’re going to be gone a good while.”

“You’re doing Sound Wave too?” I asked surprised. This was news to me.

Max shook his head, “The band isn’t, but you’re friend here got invited to take pictures. She gets in for free, backstage passes. The works!”

“Oh my god, Blue! That’s amazing!” I said and tackled her into a hug. Being invited to shoot a festival was a big deal. Especially if they were inviting her with all expenses paid.

She laughed at my enthusiasm, “Thanks. You know… you still have time to change your mind about coming on tour with us.” She pulled away from our hug, but kept her arms around me to keep me close, “It could do you some good. Get away for a while, get you out of your head.”

I bit my lips, “I don’t know, Blue…”

“Come on, think about this! We’ll get to see America together. We’ve always wanted to do that! And Sound Wave, it’d be just the two of us, the lads have to come home for shows. It’ll be awesome. A week in Australia Ayden!”

She was selling a convincing argument there. “Well, I mean, I have to go talk to Aunt Jenny first…”

“Yes!” Blue cheered jumping up and down. Max laughed at her. “Go talk to her right now!”

“Don’t get your hopes up yet Blue.”

She scoffed, “Like Jenny isn’t going to push you out the door to go. Go! I’ll start packing for you!”

*****

When I got to my aunt’s house, she pulled the door open before I even knocked, “Have you come to your senses and decided to go on tour with your best friend?”

“What?” I asked as I walked in. “How did you know?”

“Oh please babe, I’ve known you your whole life. I knew you’d snap out of it and decide to go!”

“But what about the bakery? I can’t leave you short staffed.”

She waved me off, “I’ve already got people lined up to take you and Blue’s place.”

“I’m hurt,” I shot, but smiled.

“I knew this was what you would want. If you didn’t make up your mind yourself, I was going to buy you a ticket myself and sent you out there.”

I laughed, “Well thanks for understanding.”

“I’m supposed to. As your stand in parent, I’m supposed to support you.”

“’Stand in?’ Are you joking? You are my parent. You’re the best thing I could ask for.”

She smiled warmly, “Thanks sweetie. So have you told Niall you’re leaving?”

“No,” I shook my head. “After Blue sold me, I came straight to you.” Honestly, I thought about it on the drive here. I was nervous to leave right when things were rocky. I sighed, “It’s just, we’re going through some issues so leaving right now might give him the wrong idea.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

I was nervous about this conversation with her. I didn’t want to disappoint her. “We had a pregnancy scare.”

“Oh Ayden,” she said grabbing my hand.

“I feel like such an idiot you know? I should have been more careful.” I went on to tell her about what happened between Niall and I last night, what we talked about. “I also feel like I’ve disappointed you.”

“Okay, first of all, you didn’t disappoint me. You didn’t. Things happen, accidents happen. I would have stood by you no matter what would have happened Ayden. So don’t for one second think I would be disappointed in you.”

A tear escaped, “Thanks.”

She pulled me into a hug, “Don’t thank me, it’s what I do.”

*****

After talking to my aunt more, I went back to my flat, where I found Blue in my room packing for me. Max was gone. “You were serious about packing for me?”

“Uh, yeah! I’m so excited you’re coming! Josh bough your ticket by the way.”

“He didn’t have to do that.”

She shrugged, “He wanted too. Said you could pay him back with the tips you make by selling merch.”

I rolled my eyes, “Of course he did. I’m gonna go out for a bit later, I have to talk to Niall.”

“You’re not gonna change your mind on us are you?”

“No,” I reassured. “I’m just nervous he’ll think I’m leaving because of him. But it’s fine, I know how to talk to him.”

“Don’t stress Ayd. He of all people should understand, he’s about to go on tour too.”

I nodded and started to pack with Blue.

We spent the rest of the day packing. I only had a limited amount of time to make sure I had everything, so it was a bit stressful. “Don’t worry, if you forget something, we can just buy it again in the States.”

I made a face, “You expect me to trust anything American made?”

“It’s America,” she scoffed, “Nothing is actually made there!”

When we had finally finished packing, both of us, I called Niall, “I was just gonna call you.”

“You were?”

“Yeah,” I could hear the smile in his voice, “Can I come over?”

I glanced at all our luggage sitting in plain sight in the living room, “Yeah.”

After I got off the phone with him I told Blue he was coming over, “I’ll get out of here so you guys can talk or… whatever you want to do.” I rolled my eyes at her comment.

Twenty minutes after she left Niall showed up. He walked in and took one look at the suitcases and paused in his step, “So you decided to go on tour then?”

I bit my lip and nodded, “Yeah.”

“When were you going to tell me.”

“I just decided I was going a few hours ago, I wasn’t hiding it,” I assured.

“So this,” he gestured to the living room, “Isn’t because you’re trying to get away with me.”

“No,” I insisted. “But, I just figured it’d be a good break for me. Get me out of my head. You’re leaving anyways, so I don’t see why I should stick around you know?”

He nodded, “I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you too. But this isn’t going to change anything, yeah?” He just shrugged not looking at me, “Niall?”

He sighed, “I know you’re doing this for you, but after what’s been going on, I feel like this is your way of breaking up with me without doing it to my face.”

“That’s not it, I swear it’s not.” I was feeling overwhelmed, “I love you so much Niall. I just… I have to do this for me. I’ll come see you whenever I can. We’ll be in the US at the same time eventually, I’ll fly out to you if I have too.”

He walked closer to me and grabbed my hand, “Have fun, yeah?” He gave me a small smile but it didn’t reach his face.

“Please don’t look like that.”

He sighed and pulled me into him, putting his face in my neck, “I’m sorry. I just hate saying goodbye to you.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and shoulders, “’This is ‘see you later, I’m not into goodbyes.’”

He pulled back to look at me with an amused look on his face, “Did you just quote an Every Avenue song?”

“I’ve taught you so well Popstar. You have no idea how happy it makes me feel to know you caught that reference.” He laughed, kissing my neck. “Will you stay?”

“Of course. I’ll stay until you kick me out.”

I chuckled, “Come on then,” I said leading him to my room, “We’ve only got a few hours.”

“Way to damper the mood,” he laughed dryly.