Keep Digging Holes in The Desert

I woke up and went to take a shower.
I felt drained.
Exhausted.
My whole body ached..

I stepped into the boiling hot shower and just stood there letting the water hit the back of my neck.
I soon wet my hair down and ran shampoo and conditioner through it.
Once I finished everything needed to be done I sat down on the shower floor against the wall and pulled my knees up letting the water hit me.
Lost in thought.

He rejected me.
He probably wont ever talk to me now.
He probably told Ashley how pathetic I am.
Ashley is perfect.
I'm just plain old Valerie.
Ugly.
Fat.
Pathetic Valerie.

These thoughts went on for who knows how long.
I soon got out of the shower and dried myself.
I took out black sweatpants and a band T.
I dried my brown hair and pulled it up into a messy bun.
I hung up my towel and went downstairs.
Jaime was texting in the livingroom.
He looked up and smiled at me.

"Goodmorning."

I just nodded and walked into the kitchen.

"Val, are you okay?"

I sighed and turned to him.

"Not really but what's new?"

I then turned back and opened the fridge.
After awhile I decided I didn't need food I was fat enough.
I shut the fridge and was about to walk out when Jaime grabbed my arm and pulled me into a hug.
At first I didn't hug back but then I wrapped my arms around his waist and let the tears fall.
He rubbed my back shushing me.
When we broke apart he looked at me.

"What happened?"

A sob broke out before I could even tell him.

"He rejected me..." I whispered.

Another tear.

"I was calming him down because he said Ashley was cheating and I thought he was asleep and taid I wish he knew how much I loved him and he wasn't asleep! He turned and looked at me and said he was sorry but we would never work out. I-He-I'm so fucking pathetic! I feel so fucking stupid!" I said that so fast I was wondering if he even understood.

I fell into him and cried.
He bent down and picked me up bridal style and carried me into the livingroom.
Thank god I didnt put on any makeup..
He sat us down on the couch and he just let me get it all out.
Jaime was such an awesome friend..
I wonder why he hasn't gotten a girlfriend...

When I finally calmed down I looked at him.

"I just-being rejected by the person you've loved since the moment you met them is hard.."
"I know how you feel."
"How?"

He sighed.

"I didn't want to bring this up now but Val....I-T'm in love with you."
"Wh-" I started but stopped.

I let it sink in.
I guess i've had feeling for Jaime too.
I always wondered what he thought of me if I wore a dress.
Or if I was pretty today and what Jaime would think.
I just pushed it to the back of my head.

I looked at his worried face and hugged him again.
He hugged back.

"I guess i've always had feelings for you too.." I whispered.

He pulled away and looked at me.

"Really?"
"Yeah...I just pushed it to the back of my mind."
"We don't have to start anything let's start slow but i'm relieved I finally told you.."
"Is that why you never got a girlfriend?"
"Yeah.."

I smiled and kissed his cheek.
He was too adorable.

I sighed.

"I thought you hated me or thought of me differently after finding out I cut."
"I could never...Plus The band including me has gone through addiction ourselves. Just know I'm here if you ever need to talk. Just promise me you won't do it."
"I already broke it then."
"What?"

I sighed and pulled my sleeves up.
He looked at me with sad eyes.
I pulled them down.

"I'm sorry it just hurt too much.." I whispered.
"Dont worry. I wasnt here when you needed me. I will be for now on."

He pulled me into a hug again.
I hugged back.

**********************

That night I was walking downtown since I hadn't in a long time and spotted Vic and Ashley.
He looked happy.
She caught me looking and glared.
Vic looked over to what she was glaring at and made eye contact with me.
I quickly turned back around and walked back home.
Hoping he didnt run after me I walked up the stairs and into my room.
Jaime called after me but I didnt listen.
There was a knock on my door.

I opened it and Jaime caught me crying.
He pulled me into a hug.
He was helping alot but not enough.
My heart was still broken.

"I'm so sorry i've dragged you into my psychotic world of heart break, Jaime."
"Hey, calm down you know I want to help you."

I sniffed and broke apart from him.

"I got a great idea. Hold on."

He ran down the stairs and I took my jacket off and slid my jeans off to put sweats on.
I was slipping a different shirt on just as Jiame walked in.
He only saw my stomach.

I looked at him blushing.
I blushed myself.

"Sorry I didn't-"
"My fault. I left the door open."

I smiled and walked in.

"Tony, Mike and Elise are on their way. I thought you needed some fun."
"Thank you Jaime."

I hugged him and he hugged back.
I kissed his cheek and let go.

*******************************

Tony, Mike, Elise, Jaime, and I were all watching scary movies and fucking around when the door bell rang.
I stood up and answered it.

"What do you want?" I snapped.
"I want to say i'm sorry."
"Sorry is not going to be enough for what you've done Vic."
"I feel so fucking terrible. She cheated on me again. I just- I need you Val."
"You don't even realize what i've gone through these past few days. The fucking heart break you've put me through all these fucking years i've known you! A fucking simple "Sorry" is not enough. I dont fucking care if the slut cheated! I saw it from the start that it would never end well. Yet I still supported you. The girl you need has been right in fucking front of you and you can't even see that!"

I was beyond pissed.

"You didn't harm youself did you?"
"Are you fucking kidding me?! That's all you can say to me?! FUCK YOU VICTOR FUENTES! I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

I slammed the door in his face and close my eyes taking deep breaths to calm down.
Everyone had stopped talking and the movie was paused.
I felt a set of arms wrap themselves around my waist.
I leaned back knowing it was Jaime.
Tears flowed down.
I turned around and hugged him.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door again.

I let go on him but held onto his hand and opened the door.

"So it's okay for you to move onto my best friend but it's not okay for me to be with Ashley?! And you called her a fucking slut..."

He shook his head and walked away.
I let go of Jaime and ran after him.

"Vic! Stop! Please!" I cried.

He stopped and turned around glaring.

"He isn't even my boyfriend. Who would want to be anyway? I'm a fucking pathetic, ugly, fat whore. I'm too broken to be fixed. I'm too depressed. I can't stop my addiction. I just cant put the blade down. I broke your promise as well as Jaime's. I'm a fucking mess. All because I was rejected by the man I've been in love with for the past ten years. I fell hard for you Vic. And I've sat here and watched you be in love with all these other girls. Those few guys I dated were just rebounds. I didnt even like them.. I fucking love you and you dont even care." I dropped to my knees letting the tears fall.

He walked up to me and got down on his knees.

"Let me see."

He rolled up my sleeves and took the gauze off.
He lightly ran his fingers over the old and new scars.
The fresh cuts.

"All of these are because of me?"
"Yes.." I choked out sobbing.

He then stood up and walked away leaving me.
Jaime appeared and picked me up and carried me back into the house.
He carried me up the stairs into my room.
He set me in my bed and covered me with the blanket.
He kissed my forehead.

"I'll be up in a minute. Just gotta tell Tony, Mike, and Elise to go home."

I just nodded.

*****************

Jaime crawled in the bed and wrapped his arms around me.
I rested my head on his chest and fell asleep instantly.

I've never been so hurt in my life.
Never again will I let anyone get so close to me.
Nor will I let myself be so damn vulnerable.