내 곁에 있어줘
Chapter 20
"You're just here to return the books?" the librarian asked, surprising me. She took the small stack of books I'd slid across the desk and scanned them through the system. At my expression, she smiled warmly. "I see you sometimes when you come in to talk to that boy back there." She gestured with a nod of her head toward the back of the library, where Jinyoung usually studied.
"Oh, um... yeah, I'm just here to return the books today," I said awkwardly as my face heated up. Her kind smile made me suddenly wonder what people thought when they saw us interact.
"That's too bad," she said, returning my library card. "I think he was waiting for you."
"Really?" I said, surprised. He hadn't texted me to come today.
"Oh yes. He's been on the same page of that textbook for the past 45 minutes, and he has been checking the door every few minutes." She cleared her throat and looked back at her computer. "Um, not that it's any of my business."
I smiled. "Thank you."
Of course, with that image in my mind, how could I not approach him? I walked towards where he was studying, my heart aching pleasantly as I neared him. He turned around when he heard my footsteps against the tile.
"Emiko?"
I smiled. "I came to return some books, but I heard that you've been having trouble studying."
He smiled as if embarrassed. "That's not true." But he moved over so that I could sit with him on the bench. "I'm glad you came."
"School is starting again in a month or so. You're taking the ACT again, aren't you?" He nodded. "How has the studying been going?"
"Well, I've learned a little..." he said, although his lack of enthusiasm made it clear that he hadn't made much progress.
"Why don't we try it together?"
"I don't want to waste our time together," he said in a small voice. "We already have so little time to be alone together."
"If it helps you, it's not a waste of time," I said firmly. "Besides, would your mom really be mad if you're getting study help?" He didn't reply to that. "Let's do this for you, okay?"
Although I waited for a long time for his response, he didn't say anything. He picked at the hem of his shirt.
"What's wrong, Jinyoung?"
He still didn't look at me. "I need to think... I can't say what I want to say in English."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... um..." he started to get visibly flustered by the language barrier. "My English is too poor. I can't say anything."
"Calm down, Jinyoung," I said soothingly, rubbing his arm gently and taking his hand. "You can do it. Just take a breath and think calmly."
After a long, frustrated silence, he sullenly spoke. "Emiko, I can't do it. My English is too poor. I want to say many things, but they are trapped inside."
I hugged him. "Just try your best. It doesn't need to be perfect."
"I feel... small. I feel I can't do anything." He paused, looking tired. "My chest hurts." I waited as he thought for a bit longer. "My mom asks me every day to break up with you. I don't know how she knows about it, but I won't." His voice became a bit strained. "We fight every day."
"Oh Jinyoung..." I said, feeling tears forming in my eyes as I watched him struggle to express his innermost thoughts.
"I can't let go of us, Emiko."
That same turbulent feeling began in my chest. The euphoria of knowing that I'm important to him, but the guilt of such happiness at the expense of his relationship with his mom. Knowing that the choice was making him miserable, I felt guilty for being so happy. The feelings I had for him seemed to grow beyond what anything else ever had. I'd never thought anything was more important, not even my own future. These emotions were so intense that I felt dizzy.
My tears must have started falling because next I knew, he was wiping them away. His face looked troubled, but I couldn't tell whether he was worried about himself or about me. "Why do you cry?"
"I cry because I love you," I said, my voice breaking. "I don't want you to hurt, but I make you hurt. Being with you makes me so happy, but I know I shouldn't be happy when you hurt. I want to take it all away."
His eyes looked vulnerable and hurt. He closed the textbook. "Let's go somewhere else, Emiko. We can't talk about these things here."
"Where should we go?" I asked, helping him put his things away.
"Can we go to your house?"
I thought about it. Richard was supposed to be out in Ogalala with his siblings for someone's anniversary, and my mom would be at work until 4pm. "Is it okay with you?" I asked.
"Yes. Somewhere other than here," he said, throwing the backpack onto his back. He followed me out to Richard's car, which I had borrowed when he made the trip to Ogalala. "I didn't know you had a car."
"I don't. This is my mom's boyfriend's car," I said, pulling out onto the road and wiping my tears away. "We'll be at my house in just a few minutes."
When we got to my house, Toby barked excitedly. Charleston joined in only when Jinyoung and I started up the stairs to the front door. I unlocked it and the dogs both sniffed him excitedly, their tails wagging in huge arcs. I gave him a quick tour of the house before heading down to my room. Jinyoung and I sat on the bed while Toby joined us.
"So this is your room..." he said mysteriously.
"I don't know what that means."
"It's just... I've never been to a girl's room before." He blushed.
"It's just a room," I said, laughing a little. "Why are you so embarrassed?"
"Well, you sleep here... and there's a bed, so..."
"So...?"
His cheeks turned red. "So... you know..."
It was my turn to blush. "D-Don't say that kind of thing!"
"Oh, you have a lot of video games," he said suddenly, as if forgetting what he'd just implied. He hopped off the bed to take a better look. "Wow... you must like games a lot. I thought girls only liked shopping."
"I'm not just a girl, you know. I'm me," I said, watching him go through all my games. It was true, I had a lot. More than a lot, actually. Video games were my main hobby. Computer games, PS2 and PS3 games, and of course Wii and Gamecube games. I even had 3DS and PSP games. I had a Nintendo 64 and a Sega Saturn somewhere too, but I hadn't played them in over a year.
"Tekken! I love this game!" he said, showing me as if it were his game. "I'm really good at it. I could show you if you want."
"Really? You like Tekken?" I said, surprised. "Okay, sure. Let's see what you've got."
I started the PS2 and put Tekken 4 in. When it came time for him to choose a character, he turned back toward me. "Which one do you like best? Let me guess, that Japanese girl."
"Actually, I like Jin."
He chose Jin and started playing. As he promised, he was pretty good, maybe even better than my brother was. He wasn't like me, doing random crap with the controls and hoping it worked. Fighting games were generally not my forte, so it was kind of fun to watch someone who was actually good at it. I imagined a future where we'd play games side by side. He'd kick my ass at fighting games, and I'd show him how to play RPGs. I imagined Saturday mornings with snacks and games, still in our pajamas, teasing each other and laughing at our mistakes.
Interrupting my daydreams, the ending music played and the credits rolled.
"I'm good, right?" he said proudly.
"Yeah, you're pretty good." I couldn't contain a smile at his enthusiasm. "I didn't know you liked games, especially fighting games."
"Emiko, all Korean guys like games. Starcraft, Tekken, Street Fighter... you know?"
I laughed. "Okay, I understand."
He stared at me with his trademark smile. I was smiling too, the vivid image of a fairytale-like future still fresh in my mind. I was so distracted by that image that Jinyoung caught me by surprise when he joined me on the bed and wrapped an arm around me.
"When I think I know you, you always surprise me," he said with a smile. With his free hand, he poked my side, laughing when I squirmed. "Oh, and you're ticklish too?"
"Don't!" I gasped, launching into another laughing fit as he poked my stomach and my sides. "Please!" Of course, he kept going until I couldn't breathe. He did eventually stop though, thankfully. I gulped in a few deep breaths. "I thought you were going to kill me."
"Never," he said, kissing me. I moved closer to him, closing my eyes at the comfortable feeling of his arms around me. "Emiko, did you mean what you said at the library?"
"What part?" I asked.
"You know... the 'love' part."
I smiled, my heart aching. "Of course I meant it."
"I feel that way too. I love you, too, Emiko." He kissed me again, and we spent all morning lying together on my bed, cuddling and talking about all sorts of things. We never spoke about anything important, but I hardly even noticed until after I'd dropped him back off at the library and returned home to find his phone buzzing wildly on my bed displaying blocks of Korean characters that I sounded out: omma.
"Oh, um... yeah, I'm just here to return the books today," I said awkwardly as my face heated up. Her kind smile made me suddenly wonder what people thought when they saw us interact.
"That's too bad," she said, returning my library card. "I think he was waiting for you."
"Really?" I said, surprised. He hadn't texted me to come today.
"Oh yes. He's been on the same page of that textbook for the past 45 minutes, and he has been checking the door every few minutes." She cleared her throat and looked back at her computer. "Um, not that it's any of my business."
I smiled. "Thank you."
Of course, with that image in my mind, how could I not approach him? I walked towards where he was studying, my heart aching pleasantly as I neared him. He turned around when he heard my footsteps against the tile.
"Emiko?"
I smiled. "I came to return some books, but I heard that you've been having trouble studying."
He smiled as if embarrassed. "That's not true." But he moved over so that I could sit with him on the bench. "I'm glad you came."
"School is starting again in a month or so. You're taking the ACT again, aren't you?" He nodded. "How has the studying been going?"
"Well, I've learned a little..." he said, although his lack of enthusiasm made it clear that he hadn't made much progress.
"Why don't we try it together?"
"I don't want to waste our time together," he said in a small voice. "We already have so little time to be alone together."
"If it helps you, it's not a waste of time," I said firmly. "Besides, would your mom really be mad if you're getting study help?" He didn't reply to that. "Let's do this for you, okay?"
Although I waited for a long time for his response, he didn't say anything. He picked at the hem of his shirt.
"What's wrong, Jinyoung?"
He still didn't look at me. "I need to think... I can't say what I want to say in English."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... um..." he started to get visibly flustered by the language barrier. "My English is too poor. I can't say anything."
"Calm down, Jinyoung," I said soothingly, rubbing his arm gently and taking his hand. "You can do it. Just take a breath and think calmly."
After a long, frustrated silence, he sullenly spoke. "Emiko, I can't do it. My English is too poor. I want to say many things, but they are trapped inside."
I hugged him. "Just try your best. It doesn't need to be perfect."
"I feel... small. I feel I can't do anything." He paused, looking tired. "My chest hurts." I waited as he thought for a bit longer. "My mom asks me every day to break up with you. I don't know how she knows about it, but I won't." His voice became a bit strained. "We fight every day."
"Oh Jinyoung..." I said, feeling tears forming in my eyes as I watched him struggle to express his innermost thoughts.
"I can't let go of us, Emiko."
That same turbulent feeling began in my chest. The euphoria of knowing that I'm important to him, but the guilt of such happiness at the expense of his relationship with his mom. Knowing that the choice was making him miserable, I felt guilty for being so happy. The feelings I had for him seemed to grow beyond what anything else ever had. I'd never thought anything was more important, not even my own future. These emotions were so intense that I felt dizzy.
My tears must have started falling because next I knew, he was wiping them away. His face looked troubled, but I couldn't tell whether he was worried about himself or about me. "Why do you cry?"
"I cry because I love you," I said, my voice breaking. "I don't want you to hurt, but I make you hurt. Being with you makes me so happy, but I know I shouldn't be happy when you hurt. I want to take it all away."
His eyes looked vulnerable and hurt. He closed the textbook. "Let's go somewhere else, Emiko. We can't talk about these things here."
"Where should we go?" I asked, helping him put his things away.
"Can we go to your house?"
I thought about it. Richard was supposed to be out in Ogalala with his siblings for someone's anniversary, and my mom would be at work until 4pm. "Is it okay with you?" I asked.
"Yes. Somewhere other than here," he said, throwing the backpack onto his back. He followed me out to Richard's car, which I had borrowed when he made the trip to Ogalala. "I didn't know you had a car."
"I don't. This is my mom's boyfriend's car," I said, pulling out onto the road and wiping my tears away. "We'll be at my house in just a few minutes."
When we got to my house, Toby barked excitedly. Charleston joined in only when Jinyoung and I started up the stairs to the front door. I unlocked it and the dogs both sniffed him excitedly, their tails wagging in huge arcs. I gave him a quick tour of the house before heading down to my room. Jinyoung and I sat on the bed while Toby joined us.
"So this is your room..." he said mysteriously.
"I don't know what that means."
"It's just... I've never been to a girl's room before." He blushed.
"It's just a room," I said, laughing a little. "Why are you so embarrassed?"
"Well, you sleep here... and there's a bed, so..."
"So...?"
His cheeks turned red. "So... you know..."
It was my turn to blush. "D-Don't say that kind of thing!"
"Oh, you have a lot of video games," he said suddenly, as if forgetting what he'd just implied. He hopped off the bed to take a better look. "Wow... you must like games a lot. I thought girls only liked shopping."
"I'm not just a girl, you know. I'm me," I said, watching him go through all my games. It was true, I had a lot. More than a lot, actually. Video games were my main hobby. Computer games, PS2 and PS3 games, and of course Wii and Gamecube games. I even had 3DS and PSP games. I had a Nintendo 64 and a Sega Saturn somewhere too, but I hadn't played them in over a year.
"Tekken! I love this game!" he said, showing me as if it were his game. "I'm really good at it. I could show you if you want."
"Really? You like Tekken?" I said, surprised. "Okay, sure. Let's see what you've got."
I started the PS2 and put Tekken 4 in. When it came time for him to choose a character, he turned back toward me. "Which one do you like best? Let me guess, that Japanese girl."
"Actually, I like Jin."
He chose Jin and started playing. As he promised, he was pretty good, maybe even better than my brother was. He wasn't like me, doing random crap with the controls and hoping it worked. Fighting games were generally not my forte, so it was kind of fun to watch someone who was actually good at it. I imagined a future where we'd play games side by side. He'd kick my ass at fighting games, and I'd show him how to play RPGs. I imagined Saturday mornings with snacks and games, still in our pajamas, teasing each other and laughing at our mistakes.
Interrupting my daydreams, the ending music played and the credits rolled.
"I'm good, right?" he said proudly.
"Yeah, you're pretty good." I couldn't contain a smile at his enthusiasm. "I didn't know you liked games, especially fighting games."
"Emiko, all Korean guys like games. Starcraft, Tekken, Street Fighter... you know?"
I laughed. "Okay, I understand."
He stared at me with his trademark smile. I was smiling too, the vivid image of a fairytale-like future still fresh in my mind. I was so distracted by that image that Jinyoung caught me by surprise when he joined me on the bed and wrapped an arm around me.
"When I think I know you, you always surprise me," he said with a smile. With his free hand, he poked my side, laughing when I squirmed. "Oh, and you're ticklish too?"
"Don't!" I gasped, launching into another laughing fit as he poked my stomach and my sides. "Please!" Of course, he kept going until I couldn't breathe. He did eventually stop though, thankfully. I gulped in a few deep breaths. "I thought you were going to kill me."
"Never," he said, kissing me. I moved closer to him, closing my eyes at the comfortable feeling of his arms around me. "Emiko, did you mean what you said at the library?"
"What part?" I asked.
"You know... the 'love' part."
I smiled, my heart aching. "Of course I meant it."
"I feel that way too. I love you, too, Emiko." He kissed me again, and we spent all morning lying together on my bed, cuddling and talking about all sorts of things. We never spoke about anything important, but I hardly even noticed until after I'd dropped him back off at the library and returned home to find his phone buzzing wildly on my bed displaying blocks of Korean characters that I sounded out: omma.