I'll Never Be Good Enough

"Why are you in my bunk?" Alex asked, not bothering to move his arms from around me.

"The voice. He came back." I said, "He wanted me to cut, but I wouldn't. What if he comes back?"

I saw Alex thinking it over.

"Jack, once you'd got into my bed with me, did he come back?"

I shook my head, "No."

"Well, guess where you're sleeping tonight?" Alex said, smiling.

"With you?"

"Yeah. Now let's get some breakfast." He said, pulling me out of his bunk and into the kitchenette.

"Morning Rian, Zack." I said, sitting down.

Rian yawned, "Morning."

"Hello." Zack grunted, eating his waffle.

"Jack, do you want a waffle?" Alex asked.

"I guess..."

He brought two plates with a waffle on each on them, and put them on the table. He watched as I put sugar on mine. He followed each forkful into my mouth with his eyes. Once I'd finished, he attacked his own.

"Did you have to watch me eat it all?" I asked.

"Yes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This has been absolutely fucking amazing! Don't you think Alex?" I said to the crowd, who were screaming their lungs out.

"Yes. I love all you guys, you're awesome!" Alex said.

The crowd screamed even louder, if that was possible.

"Even me? Awww... Why thank you Alex." I said, putting an arm over his shoulders.

"That's it for us guys, thank you!" He said.

We went off stage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello Jack. Cut now." The voice was back.

No. I don't need or want to. Fuck off.

"Not until you cut Jack."

I squeezed my cut wrist firmly until blood came out.

"It'll do."

"Jack? Why is your wrist bleeding?" Alex asked, coming in from the kitchenette.

"He came back Alex." I said, trying to stop the bleeding.

"Oh Jack. Come here." He said, grabbing some tissues and putting them over the cut.

I watched as the tissues soaked up the blood. Finally, with Alex putting pressure on the cut, the bleeding stopped.

After he'd put the bloodied tissues in the bin, I said, "Thank you."

Alex smiled, "It's cool. We're best friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Come on." Alex said, getting into his bunk and waiting for me.

"I'm not sure. How about if he comes back, then I get in your bed?" I said, standing above him.

"No Jack, because by the time you get into my bed, you'll probably have cut yourself. So get in."

I knew he wasn't going to give up, so I got under the covers and Alex put his arm around me. We fell asleep like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stretched, carefully so I didn't wake Alex who had his arms flung over my chest.

As he slept peacefully, I realized that last night was the first proper nights' sleep I'd had in a while, without him waking me up and making me cut, all because of Alex.

I didn't feel like moving away from Alex's warm embrace so I stayed there, snuggled under the covers with him, my head next to his on the pillow. I closed my eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey Jack." Someone poked me in the side.

"What?" I muttered, annoyed.

"You need to get up." He said.

"No, I don't."

His cool fingertips scraped along my jaw, effectively waking me up.

I sat up, wiping my eyes. I said, "Why must I get up?"

"Because we have an interview Jack."

"Morning Jack. When are you going to cut today?" The voice said.

Piss off.

I got up. Alex dragged me towards the front of the bus, where Rian and Zack were.

"Hello to you too." I grumbled.

"Awww... I'm sorry, was I ignoring you?" Alex said, ruffling my hair.

I scowled, brushing my hair away from my face with my right hand.

I sat down on the couch. Alex sat next to me and swiveled so his legs were across my lap. Zack and Rian joined us, sitting on either end of the couch. Rian yawned widely.

I leant my head back until it hit the cushion behind me. I closed my eyes, hoping for a few minutes extra sleep. But it seemed that sleep wasn't going to be an option, when Matt strolled in and told us to get showered and dressed.
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"Jack, you look different." The interviewer said, looking at me.

Unconsciously, I pulled the sleeves on my top down while I replied, "In a good way, I hope." I laughed.

"Umm... You look thinner, like you've lost weight."

I swore in my head.

"Well..." I said, trying to buy time.

Alex's hand patted my right shoulder as he said, "We have been busy, doing shows and all that, but I can assure you he's been eating fine." He laughed.

The interviewer seemed to be satisfied by Alex's answer. Thank God

I glanced at him gratefully. He shrugged his shoulders, as if to say "Eh, you would've done the same for me."

Which was true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I clutched my left arm in agony. Blood seeped though my long-sleeved top. I knew I should've worn a darker coloured top.

"Shit! That hurts like hell!" I said, continuing into the tour bus. I had managed to smack my arm on the side of the bus, hence all the blood and the swearing.

I sat down on the couch, still clutching my arm. It really did hurt, a throbbing going through my entire arm.

Matt walked through the door, along with the rest of the guys.

"Hey Ja- Holy shit man. What happened?" Matt said.

Alex was next to me in seconds.

"I banged my arm. It hurts." I winced as Alex slowly rolled my sleeve up to get a better look.

"Jesus Christ Jack. How aren't you screaming your head off?" Rian said.

I shrugged. And then winced again.

"Right, you are going to hospital. No arguments." Matt said in his don't-fuck-with-me voice.

"Ok." I said, getting up and shoving my trainers back on.

"I'm going with him." Alex said from behind me.

"Fine. Don't attract too much attention. I'll ring ahead and tell them to expect you."

"Uh-huh." Alex said as I patiently waited for him to find his other trainer.

I tapped my fingers against the doorframe, aware of the pain radiating from my arm.

"Hurry up Alex." I said as he found his trainer and put it on.

I opened the door and almost fell off the step but a hand grabbed me before I could fall.

"Maybe you should lean on me." Alex said, smiling slightly.

"Maybe I should." I replied, slinging my good arm over his shoulder.

"Yeah."

We walked to the car in a comfy silence, the sort that comes around after you've known each other for years.
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I walked into the hospital with Alex dragging his feet behind me. I'd forgotten how much he hated hospitals.

Gently I intertwined my fingers with his and murmured, "It'll be fine, we'll be out of here in a bit."

I heard his breathing increase, along with the grip he had on my fingers.

"Come on." I said, carefully pulling Alex with me to the desk.

"Hi. I'm Jack Barakat. I think Matt Flyzik called ahead of me?" I said to the woman sitting behind the desk.

"Oh yes, come with me." She said, getting up and walking from behind the desk to in front of Alex and I. She then beckoned us to follow her down the long white corridor.

Alex's fingers tightened their grip on mine. I rubbed them with mine comfortingly. His fingers relaxed a bit.

The nurse ushered us into a white room with an examining table and a couple of chairs.

Silently, I persuaded Alex to let go of my hand. I then lay down on the metal table, which was really quite uncomfortable, and Alex sat on one of the chairs.

The nurse came over and told me to take my shirt and long-sleeved top off, which I did. I heard Alex gasp in shock.

I had dozens more scars on both my shoulders, plus the massive gash that was still bleeding.

"Jesus." Alex muttered.

The nurse cleaned the gash up, which stung a bit. She then put a bandage on.

I turned to Alex while she was doing that, a thought having stuck me.

"Alex, this," I said gesturing at my bandaged arm, "means I won't be able to play."

"Shit."

"Yeah."