So Long and Goodnight...

Ray’s P.O.V.

I switched off my car radio as Iron Maiden filled the air with my favorite song. Any other time I would’ve turned it up and basked in it but I didn’t want to hear it tonight. I didn’t want to hear anything, my own thoughts included. I was on my way to Starbucks to meet up with Bob whom I now shared an apartment with. When we were younger the five of us and Helena had said that we were going to get a huge house together and just party all night and sleep all day. It had seemed like the best plan in the world …but that was a long time ago and exactly three years ago on this very night …all of our childish hopes and dreams had dissolved into ash. Every ounce of childhood innocence we had left had vanished with Helena. I had stayed behind in the cemetery after our gathering of Helena’s friends. I just wanted to be alone for a while and the cemetery was the only place a felt I could be truly alone. No one but myself and the ghosts of times long gone. I felt closest to Helena in that place but it made no sense. No part of her was there. Not her body, not her spirit …nothing.

As I drove my mind started to wander back to happier times in my past. All of the clips that played in my mind were filled with joy and laughter and I couldn’t help but notice …Helena was in every one of them. A wave of sorrow crashed over me like a tsunami and I felt like I was drowning though I was surrounded by no water. I quickly pulled the car over and tried to catch my breath. Without even really knowing it, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the note Helena had left me. I unfolded it against the steering wheel and read it to myself.

Ray,
As I’m packing my shit, I realize that I never gave your necklace back to you and I kind of want to kick myself. I’m so sorry. I’ll put it in an envelope with this note. I hope it’s ok.

I paused from reading to gently touch the cross necklace that hung like a constant reminder of her absence around my throat. I hadn’t taken it off since …that night.

Thank you, Ray for letting me wear it and for everything that you’ve tried to do for me. I know that you tried so hard to bring me back from my darkness and get me to love God like I used to. I want you to know that it did help me a lot. I don’t know if I can ever love him the same but …I’ll try Ray. For you, I’ll try. I do believe his intentions with me weren’t all bad. After all …he did give me the best damn friends a girl could ever ask for.
I’ll miss you so much. You know I will but …I have to do this. I have to get out. I’ve finally had enough. You played a huge part in making me strong enough to realize that this is no way to live …sitting around waiting to make one last wrong move.
Please don’t blame yourself for my leaving. This is for the best and this is NOT goodbye. I’ll be back someday no matter what happens. Never forget that. I’ll write you as soon as I can and I’ll see you again before you know it. Until then …Lo mantendré en mi corazón cada día. Sólo la muerte nunca nos separa. Te lo prometo. Te quiero.
Love Always,
Helena.

I rested my head against the steering wheel and let my tears fall where they would. I didn’t care.

I remembered the countless late night study sessions I had with her. She really sucked at Spanish and one day after she had flunked yet another test, she had finally broken down and asked for my help. I of course, was happy to oblige. We studied every night and before the semester was over, she was speaking Spanish relatively fluently. Her teacher had been very impressed and kept hounding her to find out how she had gotten so good so fast. We had always kept that our little secret.

I read the Spanish part over again in my head, but this time hearing her voice speak it as clear as if she had been sitting beside me.

‘I will keep you in my heart each and every day. Nothing but death will ever separate us. I promise you. I love you.’

I refolded the note and slipped it into my pocket as I dried my eyes with the back of my other hand. Then I turned the key in the ignition and continued on my way to meet Bob, trying not to think about the pain that was ripping me apart.

Bob’s P.O.V.

I sat in a booth in a darkened corner of the local Starbucks feeling completely shut out from the rest of the world. I sipped my coffee and watched other people sip theirs as they had conversations with friends or tapped away at their laptops. My gaze drifted over to a teenage girl laughing with her friends. Her appearance struck me like a dagger through the heart. She was so similar to Helena, it made me feel sick and I put my coffee down and buried my face in my hands.

In my head, I flashed back to the summer before Helena’s mom and sister had died and we (Helena, Gerard, Ray, Mikey, Frank, and I) were all at the beach soaking up the sun and having a really good time when Helena spotted something in the sand.

“What the hell is that?” she asked, tilting her head to the side.

“I believe they call it sand,” Gerard said, being a smart ass.

Helena laughed and held a hand up to his face.

“STFU, Gerard,” she joked.

“Actually no,” He said holding a finger up at her as a smile played across his lips. “I will not STFU.”

That made Helena laugh even more and they engaged in a playful little argument. The rest of us however, wanted to see what was in the sand so we scooted over and hovered above it.

“What is it,” Ray asked, wrinkling up his nose.

“I don’t fucking know,” I said. “Touch it.”

“Fuck that,” Ray replied withdrawing from the circle. “You fucking touch it.”

Mikey shrugged and I knew what was coming.

“I’ll do it,” he said nonchalantly as he reached out and grabbed it. He dropped it almost immediately.

“What the fuck dude,” Frank questioned.

“It fucking moved!” Mikey swore, wide eyed.

“Yeah right Mikey. Your brain moved too …to Egypt.”

“No seriously! It moved!”

“I don’t fucking believe you,” I said and scooped whatever it was up. I was just thinking that it looked a lot like a tadpole when it wriggled wildly in my hand. “FUCK!” I yelled as I drew my arm back and threw it away from me. It landed in some girls’ hair and I heard her scream.

“OH MY GOD,” Helena said as we jumped to our feet. “Go! Just go!” We ran down the beach away from the girl as she thrashed and screamed at her friends to get it off and then we collapsed in a pile near the water laughing our fucking asses off.

Remembering that time and the sound of her laughter made me laugh too but the laughter quickly turned to tears as I realized that I would never again get to hear her laugh or see her smile. I wasn’t one to cry openly. I got angry instead but this time I was both. I couldn’t stop the tears and it pissed me off. I had to restrain myself from putting a hole through the wall next to me.

I didn’t want to for the pain it would bring me, but I fished her note out of my jacket pocket, unfolded it on the table, and read it slowly trying to control my emotion.

Bob,
You Aryan bastard. Haha. Just kidding. But seriously we all know you love Hitler.
…Where do I even begin? This is so hard for me to write but …I’m leaving. I’m getting away from the bullshit, low production budget movie that is my current life situation. This is all happening so fast and it’s scary as hell but I know it’s going to work out ok in the long run …it has to.
Bobert, I want you to know that I love you more than all the stars in the sky. You’re the best thing since pre-sliced bread and that is saying something. I mean seriously. Who wants to slice their own bread? It’s so over-rated.
There’s something else I want you to know that I regret never telling you to your face. You’re like the brother that I never had and that I always wanted. You’re always there for me, Bob and you stand up for me and fight for me even in the most fucked up situations. If I ever had the chance to pick one person in the world as my brother, it would be you in a heartbeat. I love you, bro. Don’t ever doubt it for a second. And don’t ever think that you can get rid of me. I’ll see you again someday. If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll see my boys again. I love you all. Don’t ever change. Goodbye, Bob …but just for now.
Love,
Helena

I sniffled and blinked to clear my vision just in time to see Ray stepping through the door of the coffee shop. I wiped my eyes dry as best I could and shoved the note back into my pocket. He scanned the room, spotted me, gave me a weak smile, and waved. I returned the wave …not the smile. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I collected myself as Ray stepped up to the counter to order his coffee. He soon joined me at the booth.

“Hey man,” he said sliding in across from me.

“Hey,” I replied trying to sound like I was fine …but Ray was very perceptive. He always had been.

“You read the note?”

I looked up at him and held his gaze for a second then looked back down at the table. “Yeah,” I said miserably. “I read it.”

Ray gazed up at the ceiling as he swallowed a mouthful of coffee and continued studying it as he confessed. “Yeah don’t feel bad, dude. I read mine too just before I came here. Had to pull the fucking car over.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was never good at consoling people. Helena always said I was but she was different. She was …like a little sister to me. I swallowed hard and blinked a few times. No way was I crying in front of Ray. It’s not that I didn’t trust Ray or feel comfortable around him. I just hated crying around anyone.

So instead, I sipped my coffee in silence.

The minutes crept by and neither one of us had anything to say. Finally I brought up something just to break the silence.

“Hey um …Gerard’s been asking me …ya know …when we want to get together and jam a little bit.”

When Helena left, we had all found some sort of relief through music. First it was just listening to music, blasting it, drowning out the pain. Then Ray had picked up a guitar for the very first time and discovered that he had a gift. Of course his mother almost had a heart attack. No son of hers was going to be a “dirty, Godless rock star”. So she kicked him out.

I had already left my home of my own accord because my step-dad was doing everything he could to piss me off. It was time to go. So I saved up some money and got my own apartment. When Ray got kicked out it was nothing to convince him to split rent with me and move in.

Him and I were looking at guitars at the music store one day and a drum set caught my eye. I had always been one to smash things …so I gave it a shot. I had never played before but I had a small audience before I was done and the guy who ran the music shop said I could come down and practice whenever I wanted. He even gave me free lessons.

Frank became very interested in our endeavors. He wanted to know where Ray and me went three times a week at 2pm. So we let him tag along. When he laid his eyes on her, it was love at first sight. It was an Epiphone Elitist Les Paul Custom in Alpine White. He bought her and named her Pansy and he came with us to the shop for his guitar lessons every time after that.

We later discovered that Gerard had been writing a lot since Helena went away. He let us read some of his work and it was all we could do not to build a golden statue of him on the front lawn and worship him. The lyrics were unlike anything we’d ever seen or read or heard.

The next time we all got together Ray and Frank brought their guitars (they had both gotten very good by this time) and sort of picked out some cool riffs, played them for Gerard and he matched them to some songs he thought would go nicely with them.

We were just having fun but then Frank mentioned something about us starting a band. We kind of just humored him. We had nothing better to do and playing helped take the sharp edge off the emptiness we all felt. Gerard agreed to sing some of his music after a lot of debate.

After the first few casual jam sessions, we decided that it just didn’t sound right without a bass. We looked everywhere for someone to play for us, even held a few auditions …but nothing clicked. We were about to disband our non-band when finally, Mikey came to us with a bass in his hand, sat down and played a bass line that matched up perfectly with one of the songs Gerard had written and that we had been playing.

He had been shadowing us and taking lessons behind our backs. That was the birth of a new kind of friendship for us. We didn’t call ourselves a band because we weren’t. This was just for fun. We weren’t even a full fledged garage band. We just got together as friends and had little jam sessions. Nothing more. We kept talking about making a commitment, forming a band. But we always found a reason to put it off. Ray had a good reason this time and I couldn’t argue with him in the least.

He sighed at my prodding mention of practice and ran his hand through his curly mane. “Yeah I uh …I want to get together and jam eventually but …” He gazed at the empty seat beside us where Helena should’ve been and I saw tears well up in his eyes. “Not tonight,” he finished, his voice cracking.

“Yeah,” I agreed, gazing out the front window of the coffee shop into the oppressive darkness beyond as I took another sip of my blend. “Definitely not tonight.”