Bay Boy

It had been a week and I was still angry. I wasn't angry with Jordan anymore though. Alain had turned out to be a douche, when we went out for coffee he'd shoved his tongue down my throat. When I'd pulled away and told him I didn't like him like that he'd simply given me the finger and walked away. I knew that he was almost failing biochemistry and I would have helped him before he'd been so rude. His loss. Jordan had simply been looking out for me. I wasn't mad at him anymore, in fact I wished I had listened to him, but I still wasn't returning his calls or texts. My feelings for Jordan were still more than platonic and I needed to drop contact with him until they went away. I'd figured not seeing him would do the trick but I had been wrong. I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder. The way Jordan had constantly called and texted had only strengthened my feelings for him. I was angry, furious, with myself for the way I couldn't control my feelings. I was screwing up a great friendship over my stupid feelings, which I knew Jordan didn't return. I felt terrible for cutting Jordan out of my life so completely and abruptly. He was such a great guy, he didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve him. He deserved so much better than me. He would never be with me and I needed to wrap my head around that idea. He would be so much better off without me. I played such a small role in his life and I was already a burden to him. I almost wished I'd never met him but I could never wish that. Not even in an intoxicated, crazy state would I ever wish that.

My phone rang and I knew it was Jordan, he always called at the same time of the day, when he knew I'd be eating lunch. He'd tried calling from Sid's phone once, thinking I wouldn't know it was him and would pick up. I sighed and accepted the call. What I was about to do was painful but I knew it needed to be done. "Hello?" I could hear Jordan's low breaths through the phone. "Mila! Thank god! I am so, so sorry about what I did. It was so wrong and not my place and I'm really sorry. Please forgive me?" I took a deep breath and summoned up all my courage. "Alain was a jerk Jordan." Jordan huffed. "What the fuck did he do? I'll rip him to fucking pieces!" Jordan's voice was so angry and loud, I'd never heard him speak that way. "Jordan. . ."
"Mila, why didn't you return my calls or texts? I know you were mad, but still, why'd you ignore me?" The way he said my name so softly almost broke me. He was so sincere. He actually cared about me, but he would never care in the way I wanted him to. "Jordan, I've been busy, I can't just drop everything for you." It was a lie. There were so many things I would do for Jordan if he only asked, hell I would count grains if sand if he asked me to. "Mila. Why are you doing this? You're shutting me out. Please tell me hat I did wrong, whatever it is I'm so sorry. Just tell me. Please." His voice almost cracked as he whispered the last word. I wanted to sob but I couldn't, I had to finish what I started.
"It's nothing you can fix. You didn't do anything wrong. There's just stuff going on here that I'm dealing with. I don't really have time for this Jordan."
"Mila please. What's going on? Just tell me."
"I have to go Jordan. Bye." I hung up. I'd been bitchy enough, Jordan probably hated me now. Mission fucking accomplished. I felt like shit. I'd cut Jordan out of my life successfully, he would stop texting, calling, wanting anything to do with me. Then I could get over him since he didn't like me and move on with my life. But somehow even though I knew what I did was necessary, my stomach churned and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. No, I told myself, this is for the best. I would graduate and go back to DC, I could only be a problem for Jordan. I cared so deeply for him and I only wanted the best for him. Then why are you hurting him, my conscience nagged. But I ignored the stupid voice of reason in my head. I threw myself into my studies to ease my pain. I could tell Dad was worried about me, but he didn't say anything. He knew to give me space and if I needed anything I would go to him. I was worried about Jordan though. He hadn't been playing well lately and the Pens had a three game losing streak. It wasn't too bad, and they were still doing well overall, but I knew something was up. I hoped I wasn't what had caused Jordan's distress. Jordan kept trying to call, at the same goddamn time every day, and I hoped one day he would just give up. He would find someone eventually, someone who was good for him, someone who lived in the same city as him and fit with his lifestyle. Not a pathetic medical school student. The thought of Jordan's lips on someone else's made me sick to my stomach. But he was Jordan, he was probably hooking up with a different girl every night now. He had probably kissed other girls in between the time he had kissed me the first time and our second, and final, kiss. No, not probably. I knew he had. He was Jordan. He tended to ignore his sadness with alcohol and meaningless sex, while I dove into my schoolwork to try to get past it. It was yet another difference between us. Yet another reason we wouldn't work.