Sometimes I Wish I Could Disappear

I was so excited when Frank came to my house. As soon as he walked through that door, my stomach felt instant butterflies. I then remember I wasn’t wearing a shirt and I felt instantly fat and ugly and self conscious. That all went away though because of my dearly beloved asshole Jimmy. He kept pestering on him and I felt bad. Frank didn’t seem to mind. Only Jimmy is capable of instant comfort. I’m not a genius with relationships though. I only wanted to be Franks best friend because that’s what he wanted and that was my goal.

“Good, because I don’t take no for an answer,” Jimmy said after we asked Frank if he wanted to meet the guys. I smiled, but he looked unsure and uncomfortable, so I had to ask him. He seemed to not care though.

-Five Minutes Later-

“Come on guys! You gotta meet him, he’s really cool!” Jimmy says over the phone. “See you in ten!” he says excitedly. “They comin?” I ask. He nods and jumps on me, squishing me in the couch. “James get off of me!” I yell. I could hear Frank’s laughter in the background, gosh its so cute! Jimmy finally releases me and kicks back. “So um…what do we do with the spare time we have?” he asks. I honestly don’t even know. “Um…do you guys want to know a little more about me or…?” Frank asks unsure. I smile really big, “Sure!” I say to happily. Jimmy chuckles and punches me in the shoulder. I gave him the death glare again. I then turn my attention back to the godly man sitting across from me.

“Um…well there’s nothing really interesting about me, but I guess I could tell you a couple worthless things,” he chuckles. I kind of felt bad, he felt out of place, I know how that feels. He starts talking for like five minutes and telling me and Jimmy about he got his job and what happened in his past about his parents. “Dude, I’m so sorry,” Jimmy says, Frank giggles, “Its not your fault, its okay.” I felt pity for him, he had a rough life, he lost his parents and he’s an orphan. I needed to make him feel extra special. First thing on my check list. I smiled at the thought.

Ten minutes later the door was banged on. “I got it! Those fuckers ruining Franks story,” Jimmy gets up. Franks chuckles and I just smile at him. He turned and saw me looking at him, I quickly turn away and felt my face flush. “Hey fuckers!” Jimmy exclaims. I laugh at his raw humor. I hear laughing and see Matt, Brian, and little Johnny walk in. “Hey Zack!” they all say in unison. I wave and got up to hug them. Brian picks me up and squeezed the life out of me. “Dude put me down!” I whine. He laughs and obeys my commands.

“So this is Frank huh?” Matt asks, smirking at me. I shot him a glare and he couldn’t help but laugh. Frank looked so nervous like he was going to have a breakdown any moment. He quickly stood up and Johnny screamed. “Dude I’m not the short one anymore! Well, he’s kind of almost there by me, but I’m not the short one anymore!” we all laugh and Frank blushes. Johnny was the first to go hug him and welcome him to our group. Frank looks so happy and I couldn’t help but grin way too much. He shakes hands with Brian and of course Teddy Bear Matt engulfs him in his arms. He sets him down and ruffles his hair. “Get used to it,” I tell Frank. He laughs and turned red again. He’s so cute when he blushes.

“So boys! What do we do now? How about a game of COD?” Matt asks and I groan. “Definitely!” Frank squeaks out. We all look at him surprised, he quickly looks down, we embarrassed him. “I like this guy already Zack,” Matt says winking at me. Fucker. He quickly sprints to my XBOX and grabbed three controllers for himself, Frank, and Jimmy. While Brian, Johnny and I kick back to watch them.

The system turns on and in like five minutes they’re all cussing and pissing each other off. “Jimmy! That was my damn kill!” Matt yells. “You snooze you lose,” Jimmy replies. We all laugh at them. Matt and Jimmy kept losing to Frank. Jimmy and I already know his job specialty is video games. “Dude! Are you serious!?” Matt yells getting agitated. “Frank you are so dead!” Frank laughs, “No way man! I’m the cream of the crop!” he yells. He so darn cute. Jimmy quit playing out of frustration from losing.
“Your so dead!” Matt yells at Frank.
“You cant take me alive!” Frank fires back.
“I see you!” Matt threatens.
“Now you cant!” Frank teases.
We all start laughing at them. By the end of the round, Matt lost. He turns off the game in anger. “How do you do it?” he asks. “Good game bro, good game,” he slaps Franks back making him lurch forward a little, because of his small structure. “How about some fucking Jack Daniels in the morning?” I ask. They all scream and whistle. “Lets get fucked up!” Jimmy yells. I look at Frank for approval and he nods frantically. I laugh and head my way to the kitchen, Brian follows me. “Uh…Zee?” he asks. “Hm?” I answer looking for the bottle. “What are you to him?” he asks me. I quickly look up at him confused. “As in what? Relationship?” I ask. He nods his head and furrowed my eyebrows. “Becoming his best friend why?” I say still confused. “Just wondering,” he replies. I shake my head and go back looking for the bottle.

He quietly left back to the living room. I was still confused at his question. Why would he ask me such a question? I found the bottle, two to be exact and made my way back to the living room. I stop in my tracks when I see Brian leaning over Frank, whispering things in his ear, making him giggle and blush. The guys were completely oblivious to his actions. I became instantly angry. Who does Brian think he is? I tried to ignore them as I walked back in and pulled on a fake I’m not in a mood smile. “WOOO! Zee is the best!” Jimmy yells. “I agree!” Johnny says. I just smile knowing my other friends can make me feel better. I tried my best to ignore Brian and Frank.

I sat across from them keeping an eye on Brian. I suddenly had a realization…I was jealous.

We kept drinking out of the bottles and getting drunk, but honestly I wasn’t in the mood to drink anymore. I just watched the guys get themselves messed up and trying to offer me some when they were done. I just rejected it and stared at the table. I cast glances at Brian, who kept touching Frank, not in a sexual way, but trying to get on to him. Frank was kind of rejecting him, but just gave up on pushing him away.

I was staring at the table, ignoring everyone’s laughter and shouts. I stared at the table so long and lost in thought I didn’t even know Matt was calling my name. I snapped out of my daydream and stared at him. “Hey you okay bro?” he slurs. I nod and smile. He smiled back and was convinced I was fine.

I was not fine, I was fighting with myself internally. All because of my jealousy. I noticed Frank wasn’t drinking that much anymore, at first he started, but quit after a while. The rest of the guys were getting drunk off their asses. I put my focus back on the table when I noticed Frank was staring at me. He turned away quickly and I smiled, feeling a little bit of confidence and hope. Hoping he took interest in me. Who am I kidding, why would he like such a fat and ugly person like me? I shook the thoughts out of my head and tried to put my attention back on the guys, but I began to feel woozy and tired. I didn’t get to sleep in the last 24 hours.

“Dude, I’m like so tired man, Jimmy didn’t let me sleep,” I say. They all laugh at me and whistle. “What you do to him?” they ask. I rolled my eyes and they laugh at their dumb joke. “I’m out! Uh…bye Frank, sorry to leave you behind with these dicks,” I say making my way to the room. I hear him chuckle and say its okay I like them. I closed my door and felt comfortable being alone again. For a while at least. I walked to my bed and fell on it. I closed my heavy eyelids and fell asleep.

Having dreams I wish to never come true.