Don't Speak, Liar

I let out a sigh of frustration and drop my green gel pen onto my notebook. I’ve been trying to come up with my setlist for Warped, but none of it seems right. I want to play new songs, but I want to stick with the basics, play what I know my fans love.

Usually, making the setlist is my favorite part about preparing for tour. I can play what I want, be a creative as I want, and just be me. But being limited to only five songs for Warped has proved to be a challenge when it came to narrowing down my options. So, I do the only thing I think may help: I get on Twitter.

I send out a tweet asking everyone what they want to hear on tour. When it comes to Twitter, I try to respond to everybody, or at least favorite their tweets. I want everyone to know that I’ve noticed their positive comments and compliments and how much I appreciate them. When I scroll down, I can’t help but notice that I have a few new followers. I check to see who, and when my finger taps onto the screen of my iphone, my breath catches. Kyle Pavone followed me on Twitter.

I try not to fangirl, but my excitement is getting the best of me. This is so cool, so exciting. He likes me enough to follow me on Twitter. His follow count isn’t very high, so I must to interesting enough for him.

A smile is plastered on my face, I don’t think anything could change it. I get over my excitement enough to remember the task at hand. I need to make my setlist. I click back to my notifications and scroll through my numerous responses.

@beckyyyy45 @morgannedudley will you PLEASE play Sanctuary? It’s my favorite song!

@peterpandaaa @morgannedudley Hangover and Party Like You're Single! All your songs are perf, those are just my favorite.

@punkrock101 @moregannedudley can you just play all of them?

I expected Sanctuary to be the most requested song, and, as I’m scrolling down, I guessed correctly. It’s a song the fans seem to connect with the most. The rest of my responses are varied, leaving me as deadlocked as before. I sigh to myself and set my phone back down. Twitter proved to be no help.

“Set lists are negotiable,” I say to myself. “I can always change it whenever I want.” I grab my pen and quickly jot down five songs and a list of songs I’m willing to swap out. My writing is messy and barely recognizable, but I don’t care.

There are three days until Warped begins, and saying I’m nervous would be an understatement. I’m worried that, even though I have fans, nobody is going to show up to my set, I won’t befriend other musicians, and Warped won’t live up to my overall expectations. Nobody knows my worries, not even Shaun. I always wonder if he feels the same way, but it’s unlikely. Shaun doesn’t seem to be afraid of anything.

I log back into Twitter, responding to tweets from the fans. I find my way back to Kyle’s Twitter, smiling as the Kyle Pavone Follows You pops up on his profile. My thumb hovers over the Follow Back button, hesitating. I don’t know why I hesitate because I want this. I want Kyle to know I’m interested in him too. Finally, after what seems like hours of hesitating, I hit the button, smiling.

****

“Are you ready to leave New York behind?” Shaun asks, grinning. As wonderful as New York is, Shaun hates it. He’s not much of a city boy. And, as much as I love New York, I’m ready to leave it too. I’m ready to leave behind the heavy traffic and rude people for a sweaty summer filled with performing.

“Definitely,” I smile. We lock eyes. I know our expressions are the same: Excited eyes paired with anxious faces. The bus is currently at the hotel We Came As Romans is staying at because they’re the bigger band and it’d take longer for them to settle in. Shaun and I had just finished loading a cab we’ll be taking to the hotel with all of our belongings.

Shaun and I give each other a look, and I let out a noisy breath. “This is it,” I say. Shaun nods, and I open the back door to the cab, hopping in. I scoot over and Shaun joins me. He gives the cab driver a couple of bucks and gives the name of the hotel to the driver, who doesn’t say anything, just nods. The drive is quiet, everyone seeming to be deep in thought. I look out the window, watching the city inhabitants. There’s a multitude of couples walking hand in hand, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous. My hand hasn’t been held in a loving way in months.

The ride is actually fairly quick, which I’m grateful for. I’m anxious to see the boys and take off. When we get to Holiday Inn, I immediately spot the bus. From the looks of it, it’s huge. I’ve never had a tour bus before, and it’s exciting to get one this year. It makes this summer even more memorable.

The cab driver parks right in front of the bus. He looks back at Shaun and I, asking if we need any help grabbing our bags. “Thanks, but I think we can handle it,” I say. “It just might take a few trips.” The man forces a laugh, maybe a little disappointed because he’ll be sitting here a little longer, waiting for us. Shaun and I exit the vehicle and grab as many bags that we can take in one trip. Unfortunately, I’m not a light packer, so I have what seems like a dozen backs laid out in front of me.

None of the boys are outside, or even the driver. I look around the bus, seeing that the WCAR boys are already settled in, which was expected. I go around to the bunk beds, figuring out which one will be mine. I pull the curtains of the bottom bunks back, and they’re occupied. I go for the middle row, and those are also occupied. I sigh, fully aware that my 5’3 self will be stuck with a top bunk. I take the first top bunk I see open, which is actually closer to the bathrooms, which will be great for days I wake up late. After a few minutes, I end up getting all of my belongings into the top bunk, prepared to deal with them later.

Shaun comes by right when I finish pulling my curtain closed. He holds up my green blanket, which is now dull from years of use. “Which bunk is yours?” He asks. I point to the top, and he laughs, “Have fun getting your five foot something self into the bunk.” I stick my tongue out at him and pass him, telling him that he’s stuck with a top bunk, too. Shaun is about 5’8, so hopping up might not be as easy as he thinks it’ll be.

I look around the bus a little more, falling in love with it. The bus is perfect - more so than I thought it’d be. It’s everything I’ve dreamt of. I know it sounds cheesy, but the bus thing is a new experience to me, it’s really exciting. When I get in the kitchen area, I hear the door open, and shouting. First I see Dave, and then Brian enter the bus. I smile, and Dave yells my name. “Morganne! I’m glad you’re finally here, everybody’s been so restless on going. I hope you have everything, because once everyone’s boarded, there’s no stopping us.”

I laugh. “I think we’ve got all of our bags on. We didn’t get any food yet, so you might have to deal with us eating yours for a day or so.”

Brian laughs, too. “We have all of our food labeled. Mine is okay to take tonight, unless it’s gummy worms. We’ll have to talk about it later, when dinner becomes a topic.” I nod, and the rest of the boys get on. In the front, I see the bus driver, all of the We Came As Romans crew, and all of the boys in the band surrounding me, and I know Shaun’s behind me somewhere. We all say hi to each other, and I introduce myself to a few crew members and the bus driver.

When the bus driver knows we’re all in, he shouts for us to quiet down. He introduces himself as Greg, and tells us the simple rules of touring and being on his bus. There aren’t many rules, just for everybody to give him a twenty minute warning when we want to stop and get food, clean up the bus as best we can, and talk to him sometimes when he’s driving at night. Also, we have to be on time for bus call, or he’ll leave us and we’ll have to catch a different bus. When Greg’s introduction concludes, he gets in the front and starts the bus, ready to go.

Some of the boys immediately go towards the back lounge, or maybe into their bunks, I’m not sure. I stay in the front, sliding myself in the booth of the small table. I situate so I’m sitting on my knees. Someone slides in beside me, and I smile, seeing that it’s Andy. Shaun sits across from me, and Dave sits beside him. When I look back, I see Kyle sprawled on the couch behind me.

It’s quiet for a moment or two. All of us just look at each other, which makes me blush. During these silent times, I can’t help but wonder what everyone else is thinking. I hope that I’m leaving a good impression, not an awkward one. Finally, Shaun breaks the silence. “I know nothing about you guys,” he half laughs, running his hand through his mid-length brown hair. “Maybe we should take this time to establish a friend base, so we know what each other is about, besides music,” he adds. I smile at Shaun, he’s so professional when he wants to be.

Andy nods. “Well, I’m Andy. I’m not exactly sure what to say first, I’m really bad at introducing myself.”

Dave chuckles, cracking his knuckles. “That’s why we never let him do solo interviews - he sucks.” He redirects his attention to me, smiling a little. “ I listened to some of your music last night. We all did, actually. You’re kind of, like, really good.”

I feel a deep blush coloring my cheeks. “Thanks, Dave, that’s really sweet. What songs did you listen to?”

“I went to youtube and took the first suggestions. I’m not quite sure what the names were, though.” I nod, smiling. It was nice of them all to look me up beforehand. My music describes me perfectly, it’s all of an introduction I’ll ever need.

The boys make a little more small talk, and I sit contently, listening. I decide that now would be a good time to unpack my bags. I ask Andy to move aside so I can get out of the booth, and he does so. I head back to my bunk, and try my best to grab my bags from the top, but it’s a struggle. I set my makeup and toiletries bags on the floor - they were the only ones I could easily get.

I hear a chuckle from behind me, and I turn around, surprised somebody followed me here. Kyle stands behind me with an amused expression on his face and his arms crossed. Today, he’s wearing blue jeans, dirty converse, and a black Hurley shirt. I smile at him awkwardly, and try to get another bag from my bunk. “Do you need some help?” He asks. He has a huge grin on his face, looking as if he is really entertained with my struggle.

“That’d be nice,” I admit. He walks closer to me, and I move over to get him a little more room. Under all of the bunks, there is some space for bags to be placed. Kyle takes my duffels and hands them to me, one by one. I set each down, pushing them into the back. After, I put my smaller bags towards the front, making sure I’d be able to find them easily tomorrow morning.

After Kyle’s help, all that remains in my bunk is my laptop, purple blanket, and giraffe pillow pet. “You know, these bunks get really hot at night. If nobody uses the pull out bed in the couch at night, it might be a good idea to use that,” he says.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I smile. “This is my first time on a bus, I’m just glad I’m finally out of the van. A hot bunk seems like a paradise compared to that white van.”

Kyle puts his hands in his jean pockets and nods, looking from me to the floor. “If you need help with anything, don’t hesitate to ask.” He looks back up to me, with a lopsided smile on his face. I swoon over that smile, seeing him up so close allows me to see how gorgeous he really is. I’ve always known he was good looking, but I’m just now realizing that this might be a difficult tour if I have to look at that smile for a month and a half.

“Are you going to come back out?” He asks.

I shake my head. “I’m going to go to my bunk to have some down time. I love people, but I’m a little overwhelmed right now.” Kyle turns around and walks away, not saying anything. I stand in my spot for a few minutes, dumbfounded. We went from having a decent conversation to an abrupt goodbye. I sigh and climb up to my bunk. I turn on my laptop. I left Sleeping Beauty in the computer, so I put in some headphones and turn on the classic Disney movie.

It’s only late afternoon, but it feels later. Even with my weird encounter with Kyle, I have high hopes for this summer. My awkwardness will eventually fizzle out, and I’m going to have the best summer of my life.