For the First Time

We arrived at the carnival in short time. We all got out of Bobby's van and looked around. It was a bright sunny day and everything seemed normal. Then again, that's how all of these situations went anyways.

"Hey, I'm going to look around. You guys are okay looking for Mr. Cooper?" I asked.

"Yeah, we're fine," Dean said.

"I'll call you if we find anything," I said back, trying to be strictly professional. Dean was a freakin' time bomb. I was not going to try and get emotionally involved at all in fear of him going off. If we were stuck on this hunt together, then I'd have to make the best of it.

"Okay, us too," Sam said.

I nodded and then began to part from the Winchesters, going my own way. I scanned the crowd for any suspicious activity. I ended up walking around the carnival for what seemed like a really long time. We didn't even know what this thing was… a killer clown? That's pretty vague. The EMF wasn't going off at all. And then I saw something interesting… the fun house.

"Well it's worth a shot," I mumbled to myself, before going in.

The place was dark and there were crazy mirrors everywhere. I heard the sounds of a creepy laugh and could tell it was just a part of the fun house – nothing supernatural. Suddenly, smoke came out and some kind of fake creature popped out. I jumped, out of surprise. I turned around, only to see a distorted image of myself in one of the mirrors. This place was so creepy. There were more sounds. Why was I freaked out about this thing? I took a deep breath and kept walking.

Being here with the Winchesters had been so confusing. Not only was it Dean's mood swings that were killing me but the fact that things felt so unfinished and unresolved. Technically, we never had closure. He left me in a hotel room with a frickin' note. That was the epitome of unresolved.

There was another round of the creepy laugh where I heard something drop. There was a gasp from someone and all of a sudden, I felt my back hit against someone else's. Both of us let out a shriek before turning around to look at each other.

"Sam!" I sighed with relief.

"Oh thank God, it's you!" Sam said.

"God, funhouses are so creepy. I never thought about it but now that I do… ugh this place is really freaking me out," I said back.

"Agreed. Hey check this out. This skeleton dropped and the EMF is going crazy," Sam said, showing me his EMF detector. Sure enough, mine was also reacting. Sam reached out and touched the skeleton, almost immediately withdrawing his hands.

"What?" I asked.

"I think it's a real skeleton," Sam replied in disgust.

"Evil spirit, you think?" I asked.

"Yeah," Sam replied. I reached up to touch the skeleton too.

"Okay, that's disgusting. Let's go wash our hands and then find Dean," I said. Sam chuckled, following me out of the fun, house.

"I'll call him. See what he's up to. He'll be glad that I found you. He was getting worried…" Sam said.

I laughed a little, "You don't have to say that, Sam. I highly doubt that he was."

"No, really Mer-," Sam started. I gave him a look. "I guess it doesn't matter. Just-, no matter what he says or does, he doesn't mean this stuff. He still cares about you, Meredith. Don't let him fool you."

"No, right now what matters is killing this sick bastard of a murdering clown. Really? A murdering clown? If people aren't afraid of clowns enough-," I started, then seeing the look on Sam's face. Dean had given him a hard time about it already in the car. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," Sam said.

I smiled, "Hah, okay." Sam pulled out his phone and started calling Dean and I just walked with him, thinking about what Sam had said. Ugh, I could not let this get to me.

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Dean jogged towards both Sam and I. I started laughing as soon as I saw Dean in that red carnival maintenance jacket.

"What's so funny, you two?" Dean asked.

"Nothing," I replied, trying to hold back my laughter.

"What took you so long?" Sam asked.

"Long story," Dean replied.

Before Sam could respond, the three of us all heard a little girl exclaim, "Mommy, look at the clown!" The little girl pointed to an empty space. Nothing was there… that we could see.

"What clown?" her mother asked back, peering into the distance. She didn't see anything. The three of us exchanged glances before hurrying off to get to Bobby's van.

It was later that night and we were sitting out in front of the house that the little girl from the carnival lived in. Sam and Dean were up front while I sat in the back. Being in the back was kind of nice. I got to keep to myself. I kept a vigilant eye out for anything suspicious at the house though.

"I can't believe you told Papazian about the homicidal phantom clown!" Sam exclaimed, annoyed with his brother.

"I told him an urban legend about a homicidal phantom clown. I never told him it was real," Dean corrected, quick to defend himself.

"Keep that down!" Sam ordered as Dean raised his gun.

"Oh, and get this. I mentioned the Bunker Brother's Circus in '81 and their, uh, evil clown apocalypse? Guess what," Dean said, changing the subject.

"What?" Sam asked, sighing.

"Before Mr. Cooper owned Cooper Carnival, he worked for Bunker Brothers. He was their lot manager," Dean informed.

"So you think whatever the spirit's attached to, Cooper just brought it with him?" Sam asked. I leaned in towards the boys to hear what they were saying.

"Something like that. I can't believe we keep talking about clowns," Dean said, rolling his eyes.

"Believe me, I wish we weren't," Sam said.

"Yeah, that's right, Sammy," Dean chuckled.

I rolled my eyes, "So… what now?" I asked.

"I don't know about you, but I'm going to sleep," Dean said. He lay back in his seat and closed his eyes. Sam shot me an apologetic glance and I just shrugged it off. About five minutes later Sam and I both looked closely at Dean. Yep, he was asleep.

"He's out cold," Sam chuckled.

"I know, right. It's so funny when he's asleep. Sometimes he falls asleep with his mouth open and he just looks-," I started.

"Really ridiculous?" Sam asked.

"I was going to say like a complete dumbass but you're way works too," I laughed.

"Look, don't be too hard on him. He doesn't mean to be a jackass… he is one… but I don't think it's his intention," Sam said.

I nodded, "I know. I just can't help it. It's just so… weird. It feels like we have so much unfinished business. Not only that, but the fact that he's all emotionally off the rails but yet there's so much between us… I don't know. I don't even know if he feels the same way." I looked down, blushing a little.

"I wouldn't put it past him," Sam replied.

I shrugged, "Sorry, let's talk about you. You probably have a much more exciting life than I- how was college?"

Sam and I ended up talking for most of the night while Dean was asleep.

"Do you want to come in and play?" we heard a little girl's voice ask. Both Sam and I looked through the window to see a little girl offering her hand out to something invisible.

"Dean. Dean!"

"Huh, what?" Dean asked, looking around in a frenzy.

"Phantom clown. Let's go," I said. We got everything together and found our way into the house, hiding upstairs.

"Do you want to see Mommy and Daddy? They're upstairs," we heard the girl ask.

One, two, three.

Sam leapt out from our corner and grabbed the little girl as Dean jumped out and shot at the clown. The little girl began to scream as we could hear the noises of things breaking and fighting.

"Shh, it's okay," I said, trying to comfort her. The sound of Dean's gun cocking again made her start crying. All of a sudden, there was a noise of glass breaking and the little girl's parents ran out of their room.

"What's going on out here?" the dad asked.

"Oh my God, what're you doing to my daughter?" the mother exclaimed. Our eyes widened and we made a run for it.

"He shot my clown," the little girl cried. But we were long gone.

On the way back to the circus, Dean and Sam were beginning to argue again about their father as I, yet again, became caught in the middle of it.

"I'm uh, just going to call Ellen," I said, taking my phone and give them a moment. I hated listening to them yell at each other. Once they were done, I returned to them.

"It's a rakshasa," I said, putting my cell phone in my pocket.

"What's that?" Dean asked.

"Ellen's best guess. It's a Hindu creature that takes human form and feeds on human flesh. They can make themselves invisible but can't enter the home unless invited," I replied.

"So they dress up like clowns and children invite them in?" Sam asked.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Why don't they just munch on the kids?" Dean asked. Sam and I gave him a weird look. "Just sayin'."

"Something about not enough flesh and meat or something," I replied.

"So they go for the parents?" Dean asked.

"Uh huh," I replied.

"What else?" Sam asked.

"Um, apparently they live in squalor. Something about a bed with bugs and they feel ever twenty-thirty years a couple of times actually," I replied.

"Hey, Sam, who do we know that's worked both shows?" Dean asked.

"Cooper?" Sam asked back.

"Cooper." Dean replied. "Ellen say how to kill them?"

"Legend says dagger made of pure brass, right?" Sam asked, looking over at me. I nodded.

" Well, before we go stabbing things into Cooper, we're going to want to make damn sure it's him," Sam clarified.

"Ah, you're such a stickler for details, Sammy. Alright I'll round up the blade and you and Meredith can check if Cooper has bed bugs," Dean ordered.

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"And we both know how, how we're gonna make it work when it hurts, when you pick yourself up you get kicked in the dirt…"

"Nothing. There's nothing here. The rakshasa isn't Cooper," Sam sighed. The two of us snuck out of the trailer and roamed the carnival.

"We should find Dean," I said.

"Yeah. Damn it. Who could it be if it's not Cooper?" he asked, frustrated a little.

Suddenly, we saw Dean running for his life. He passed right by us and we followed him.

"Woah, hey, what's going on?" Sam asked.

"It's the blind guy," Dean said, panting.

"Well did you get the-," Sam started.

"Brass blades? No. It's just been one of those days," Dean said, shooting me a little look. I looked away from him.

"Shit, alright. I've got an idea," Sam said. The three of us ran into the funhouse. As soon as we were there, a door closed, separating us: Sam and then me with Dean.

"Sam!" Dean yelled.

"Dean! Dean, find the maze, okay?" Sam yelled back through the wall.

"Damn it," Dean swore.

"It's okay," I started.

"Come on, let's go," Dean said, ignoring my comment. Dean and I ran through the maze, running into a couple of obstacles. Finally, we rounded a corner and found Sam.

"Hey," Dean said.

"Hey! Where is it?" Sam asked, panicky. I looked around and saw nothing.

"I don't know, I mean, shouldn't we be able to see its clothes or something?" Dean asked back.

"It's too dark in here, Dean," I said. I gasped as I noticed a knife coming towards me. I was about to duck when Dean pulled me down, falling on top of me. The two of us just lay there and looked at each other. Damn it, we didn't have time for this. We got back up and another knife flew, pinning Dean's jacket to the wall.

"Dean!" I cried. Another knife flew but I ducked this time. I ran towards him and tried to pull the knife out of the wall. Another knife flew towards me.

"Meredith, don't," Dean said. He knew that I was putting myself in harm's way.

"Sam!" Dean exclaimed. Sam pulled a brass pipe from the organ in the funhouse off and then held it in front of him.

"Dean, where is it?" Sam asked.

"I don't know," Dean replied. Dean struggled but reached up and pulled a lever. Steam poured from everywhere.

"Sam, behind you!" Dean and I both shouted, seeing the figure. I pulled at the knife and it released Dean. At this point, Sam had dug the brass pipe into the figure and it was starting to scream. Then, it was just a pile of clothes and bloody pipe. Dean let go of the lever and the steam stopped.

"I hate funhouses," Dean finally said.

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Back at the Roadhouse, we were celebrating a job well done. Dean was at the bar talking with Ellen and Jo while I was sitting on the pool table just taking everything in. This hunt had not only been tiring, but it was also emotionally draining. I didn't even know what to think anymore. The fact that Dean had pinned me down to keep a knife from killing me and the fact that I had tried to free him even though knives were flying… damn it. But now he was talking to Jo alone. Maybe it was time to let him go, no matter how hard I'd always hold on to him.

~3rd Person POV~

Jo gave Sam a look telling him to go away and that she wanted a moment to talk to Dean. Sam gave her an awkward smile back until he realized what she was doing.

"Oh, yeah, um, I've gotta… I've gotta go. Over there. Right now," Sam said. He took his beer and went over to the pool table where Meredith sat, her legs dangling off of the edge of the table. She was looking around the Roadhouse, taking in every aspect.

Dean glanced over at his brother and his ex-girlfriend that he may or may not still have feelings for. They were talking and she was smiling. God, he missed that smile.

"So," Jo started, clearing her throat.

"So," Dean said, focusing his attention back to Jo.

"Am I going to see you again?" she asked in the cutest manner possible. Jo was cute. He had to admit but with Meredith in the room and everything that had happened, he honestly didn't know what to do at the moment. His mojo was dead and the fact that Meredith was here and he was feeling something he hadn't felt since high school just killed it even more.

"Do you want to?" Dean asked.

Jo paused, "I wouldn't hate it." She cocked her head. He had to admit, she was a beautiful girl and other different circumstances, she would be at the top of his to-do list. He glanced over at Meredith once more. She and Sammy were laughing together at something. Since we did his little brother grow up so much?

Dean sighed, "Can I be honest with you? See, normally I'd be hitting on you so fast it'd make your head spin but, uh, these days… I don't know."

Jo nodded, "Wrong place, wrong time?" she asked.

Dean nodded too, "Yeah."

"It's okay. I get it," Jo said. She watched him glance back over to Meredith and Sam.

"Sam told me about you guys – you and Meredith. You're still in love with her, aren't you?" Jo asked.

Dean shot her a funny look, "What?"

"It's kind of obvious," John pointed out.

"It's complicated..." Dean trailed off, still trying to avoid the question.

"You always remember your first love," Jo said. Dean nodded, taking a swig of his beer. He wished it wasn't true. Then things would be less complicated.

Dean liked Jo's company. She was sweet. And then there was Meredith. She looked so much more mature than she did in high school. It had really been nine years since they last saw each other. He smiled a little as he watched her throw her head back and laugh. He missed her laugh and her smile though he would never say it out loud in fear of sounding like a wuss.

Jo was beautiful, youthful, and spunky. Dean knew he could throw out many adjectives to describe Meredith, but when it came to it, she was the love of his life – someone he'd never forget. When Jo asked him if he was still in love with Meredith he didn't know how to respond. He had thrown himself in harm's way for her during the hunt and she did the same for him. He already knew the answer to her question; he just didn't want to admit it.

~End 3rd Person POV~

"Can I offer you a beer?" Sam asked. I looked over at the bar to see that just Jo and Dean were talking. This was real. I was jealous and willing to admit it. But part of me was so confused. Dean was still pissy and we had been fighting this entire time.

"Sure," I replied, taking a swig of the open beer that he gave me.

"You know, I miss hunting with you," Sam said.

"Me too. We haven't hunted together in a while. It's surprisingly good to be back, actually," I said back.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I have a confession. I know I said I was out of the life for good, but I had plenty of offers to teach places. Instead, I chose Sioux Falls. And why? It's a small town, I grew up there..? But it's home and Bobby's there and I knew if something came up... I honestly don't know if I'm done yet," I admitted with a sigh.

Sam nodded in agreement, "I get it. Once you know, there's no turning back, right?"

No shit," I said back.

"Where you guys been?" a voice asked, coming from the back. We all turned to see Ash. I let the Sam go over to Ash and watched as they talked about tracking the demon. Part of me was curious and the other part of me wanted to stay out. Hell, I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. I guess that's part of the reason I didn't want to be here.

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Back at home, I had come over to see Bobby, Sam, and Dean the next day. Dean was out working on the car – no surprise there – while Sam had gone out to try and say something to him, one last time.

Bobby and I sat there in the living room.

"He needs you, you know?" Bobby finally said.

"Bobby, I tried. We ended up screaming in each others' faces. And then at Ellen's… God, we got so mad at each other. I told him I hated him," I said, ashamed and sorry that I had said that. It was in the heat of the moment and part of me does hate him for one specific reason.

"You don't mean that though," Bobby said.

"I know," I sighed.

"He needs you, Meredith. I wouldn't have dragged you back into this if there was any other person I knew I could call," Bobby said, sympathy in his eyes.

I nodded, glancing from him to out the window where I could barely see Dean and Sam talking, "Okay, I'll go."

"You're right," I heard Sam say over in the salvage yard. I stood near, my arms crossed over my chest watching the two brothers.

"About what?" Dean asked, trying to ignore his brother.

"About me and dad. I'm sorry that the last time I was with him I tried to pick a fight. I'm sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know he died thinking that I hate him. So you're right. What I'm doing right now, it's too little, too late," Sam said. There was no response from Dean. He just kept working on the car. "I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I'm not all right. Not at all. But neither are you. That much I know." Sam was tearing up at this point. He tried to blink the tears back but there was no response from Dean.

"I'll let you get back to work," Sam said, walking away. Sam passed me on the way back into Bobby's house wiping away angry tears.

"You okay?" I asked. Sam only nodded, scurrying away as fast as he could. I watched as he headed back into the house before refocusing my attention on Dean.

Dean just stood there. I couldn't tell whether he was angry or sad or whatever. He then picked up a crow bar and I jumped at the noise of his smashing the window to the impala. He then began to hit, over and over again, the trunk. This was his baby. I could barely believe what I was seeing. Finally he dropped the crow bar and looked over at me, his lip trembling.

Dean breathed heavily as he just stared at me. I didn't know what to do. He slowly walked over to me.

"How long were you standing there?" he asked, his voice breaking.

"The whole time," I admitted. He had tears in his eyes and I knew he was about to crack. He pulled me in for a tight hug, and for the first time I had a piece of clarity. I just hugged Dean back and let him hold me for however long he needed.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry," Dean said, tearfully.

I nodded and stroked his head, "You don't have to be. It's okay, Dean." I whispered, comfortingly as I just held him.