For the First Time

"But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine, sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for a while..."

"Hi," I said, greeting Dean at the door.

"Hey," he said, smiling as soon as he saw me. I had to keep myself from biting my lip and letting him know that I was getting those first date butterflies. Not that this was a first date, or a date for that matter! Oh but that smile…

"Come in?" I asked. He nodded and mumbled something before coming into the apartment. "How are you?"

"Good. This is a nice place you got here. You just finished painting it?" Dean asked, looking around.

"Uhh yeah. I just moved here in August and haven't had much time to fix it up. Just painted it. I moved here for the job," I replied.

"I like it," Dean replied.

"So I made lasagna, if that's okay with you. Come into the kitchen. That's the only place I have a table at the moment. No dining room," I said, chuckling a little.

"No it's great and yeah, I love lasagna," Dean replied. "Do you want some help?"

"Uh, sure, yeah. Do you think you could take it out of the oven and then put it on the table? The oven's not actually on, just keeping it warm. Actually you know what? You shouldn't worry about it. You're the guest, I don't want to put you to work!" I said, changing my opinion half way through. I knew I was talking about a mile a second.

"No, no, it's fine. I got it," he said, stopping me by placing his hands on my shoulders and beginning to massage them. I took a deep breath and chuckled a little.

"Wow, that's nice," I sighed, releasing tension and a lot of nervous butterflies.

"Calm down, Smalls. You're not preping for the Olympics, okay?" he joked, before letting his hands slide from my shoulders and back to his sides.

"I'm talking way too fast, aren't I?" I asked, biting my lip and turning around to face him.

"You're fine," he replied, looking down at me admiringly. We were seconds away from kissing. But I wanted to take things slowly. I straightened up.

"So food?" I reminded.

"Right," Dean coughed, pulling away from him.

"Okay, thanks you can just put that on the table," I said, avoiding his gaze a little.

Dean opened the oven and used the oven mitts to pull out the pan of lasagna. He went over and put it down on the kitchen table right in the middle. I had set the table already and set a place for the lasagna to be.

"Anything else I can help with?" Dean asked.

"No, go ahead and sit down," I replied.

"Okay," Dean said back.

"Wine?" I asked, opening the fridge door. I peered into the fridge and grabbed the bottle of wine. I got out two wine glasses from the cabinet.

"You're drinking wine now?" Dean teased, amused.

"You're right. You caught me. You can arrest me for pretension now," I teased.

Dean chuckled, "Sure. A glass of wine would be great. I guess it'll be… interesting to have something other than beer and whiskey."

"Mkay," I replied. I poured two glasses of wine and then brought them over to the table. "Here."

"Thank you," Dean said. "Wow, this looks amazing."

"Thanks. Since I've decided to assume the normal life I've had more time to do normal stuff like oh, you know, cook and stuff," I said.

"This is great," Dean nodded, taking a bite. "Trying to get me drunk?" He motioned over to the glass of wine.

"Yes, I'm trying to get you wasted so I can take advantage of you tonight," I replied, sarcastically.

Dean rolled his eyes playfully and chuckled, "Alright, alright. I get it."

"Mhm," I said.

"You're going to make some man very happy one day, you know that?" Dean asked. I opened my mouth to say something but I had nothing. Things were just too awkward with him saying that.

"So you're teaching now?" Dean asked, immediately changing the subject.

"Yeah, I uh just got the job. I'm teaching a second grade class at the elementary school. It sounds like it'd probably be a pain but the kids are great. They have their wild times but they're adorable and so, so sweet," I replied, smiling when I talked about my students.

"You sound like you love it," Dean said.

"I do, I really do. They're great kids," I shrugged.

Dean smiled at me, "Well that's good. And look at you. You even have your own apartment now."

I chuckled, "It's not that big of a deal." I blushed.

"No, you're really making a life for yourself," Dean said back.

I cleared my throat, "So what've you been up to? Tell me about the great adventures of Dean and Sam Winchester."

"I wouldn't go that far," Dean chuckled. "Well, Sammy has had some psychic ability for about a year now."

"Ability?" I asked.

"He gets… premonitions," Dean sighed.

"Okay," I replied.

"His uh, his girlfriend was killed by the demon that killed our mom so he packed up from Stanford and joined me. We've been hunting for the past year now and I won't lie, I've missed him a lot. I know it's selfish of me, but part of me is happy that he's with me. Of course not under the given circumstances but he's my brother, you know?" Dean explained.

I nodded, "No, I get it. You wish that Sammy hadn't been hurt like that but you want your brother with you."

"Yeah. And then with Dad and everything…" Dean trailed off.

"I'm sorry about all of that," I said.

"It's- thanks, I guess. So how's Sawyer? And are you still friends with Molly?" Dean asked, quickly changing the subject. I could tell that he didn't want to talk about it and I wasn't going to pester him about it. He had his own way of dealing with things.

"Yeah, Sawyer is well. She's in Los Angeles doing an internship with a publishing company. Once that's done, I think she's going up to Vancouver. She's pretty sure she's got a job there. Molly is a designing in New York. She's pretty high up in the fashion hierarchy or whatever that is," I chuckled.

"Huh," Dean sounded, uncomfortably.

"What?" I asked back, picking up on his discomfort.

"Sorry, it's just so weird to hear about… the normal life," Dean chuckled, shaking his head a little.

"I get it. It seems like Sawyer's moved on completely from the life. Honestly, one of the reasons I took the job back here was to be closer to Bobby. Just in case he needed anything…" I said.

"You can't leave it alone, huh?" Dean smirked a little.

I shrugged, "I don't know. Part of me kind of feels an obligation to it. It's where my family roots lie. I should be doing this instead of gluing macaroni together with seven year olds."

"No, you deserve a shot at normal," Dean countered. That struck a chord with me. That's one of the reasons why he said he left that morning...

"What about you?" I asked, masking my internal monologue.

"I don't know. I don't even know if I want it," Dean replied.

The rest of the evening we just talked and laughed. More glasses of wine were poured and we ended up having a good time together. It was like nothing was wrong and no time had passed since we were high schoolers, madly in love with each other.

"This is just like old times," Dean swooned, tipsily.

"Like how?" I asked, laughing. I was definitely a little bit over tipsy but not too drunk yet.

"You, me, alcohol... sexual tension," Dean admitted. Okay, so maybe he was a little more drunk than I thought he was.

"Speaking of, so things have been pretty… weird lately huh?" Dean asked.

"Yes. It may have something to do with half the time it's like we don't know how to act around each other because there's so much between us and then the other half of the time we're yelling at each other," I replied, beginning to form actual thoughts. God, this was nerve wracking. Over the past few days, being with him, I could tell that I was still in love with him but what if I said it and he didn't feel the same?

"Yeah… sorry about that. This whole thing with dad has got me acting like a moody teenager," Dean chuckled. "Um, being mad at you… I don't know. God, I suck at this whole sharing feelings thing."

"Fine, I'll go first," I said. "Being mad at you has partially had to do with the fact that you get irked. But also because… Dean being around you is so confusing. We have so much… and you were my first love. I'll never forget that. And then seeing you… God, it's been almost ten years and I still-, nevermind." I looked down, blushing.

"No, don't," Dean said, placing two fingers underneath my chin, bringing my face up to look him straight in the eyes. "What were you going to say?"

"Nothing. It's nothing," I shook my head.

"Come on, Mer. Tell me," he grinned that famous grin of his. "Does it have anything to do with this?" He then leaned in, placing a small kiss on my lips. I pulled away. Yeah, we were drunk.

"You shouldn't have done that," I mumbled, looking up at him.

"Why not? It's been coming all weekend," Dean shrugged.

"I-," I slurred. "I don't think we should..."

"Why not?" he asked as if it were the easiest thing in the world. It was. Being happy with him was easy but it was a lot more complicated than that.

"Because you-, you left me in a bed and breakfast without a goodbye!" I said, taking a few steps away from him, bracing myself as my fight with gravity.

"I-, I know, Mer. I'm sorry about that. I really am. But seeing you here, now... I still-, I mean, tell me you don't still..." he trailed off, not wanting to say it.

"Still have feelings for you? Yeah, but that doesn't mean-," I started.

"Why not?" he asked, confused.

"Because you left me in a-," I began to repeat.

"Mer-," he interrupted.

"And that can't be fixed with an 'I'm sorry'. It just can't! I can't-, you can't just waltz back into my life, Dean, and expect me to take you back with open arms," I said, the hurt beginning to come out.

Dean let out a huge sigh before saying this, "Your dad asked me to stay away."

"What?" I asked, stunned.

"When I left you in the hotel that morning… I really, really am sorry for that. I didn't want to," Dean started, nervously. He licked his lips before continuing his explanation. I wasn't quite sure what to expect.

"But-, but before we left in high school, your dad talked to me. That morning that my dad told you guys we were leaving. He asked me to leave you alone till after you were done with school. I was supposed to wait until after college but I couldn't. That night when we talked about you having a future, I knew that I had to leave because if I stayed any longer, I would've wanted to keep you with me and you just had so much ahead of you. I didn't want to keep you from that."

"Ugh, I cannot believe he did that!" I exclaimed, not even sure what to feel at the moment.

"Look, don't be mad at him," Dean started.

I thought it over, letting it process. I could be as mad at him as I wanted to but there was no use. He was dead and I knew he was doing it to look out for me.
"I am but... I get it, I guess. He was only looking out for me," I completed. I nodded. "Dad was irrational. He did everything he could to protect his children but… it was because he cared. That finally sunk in after he died. It just, kind of sucks that you stayed away."

"I wanted you to-," Dean said.

"No, I know. Have a shot at normal. You've said it... like a bajillion times," I said back, still a little irritated -- with who, was the real question.

"Sorry," he mumbled, blushing a little.

"Well, this changes things," I started, weakly. I didn't know where this conversation was going. One minute I was sure we were on the brink of a fight and the next I was ready to kiss him all over again. and that kiss...

I had spent the last nine years hating Dean and thinking of him as a jackass to only find out that he cared enough about me to stay away for nine years. If it had been that hard for me not to reach out to him, I would imagine it was similar for him. Damn it, Dean.

"How so?" Dean asked, taking a few steps towards me.

"Uh uh. No. Not this again," I said, unfortunately unable to hide my smile.

"What?" Dean asked, innocently although he knew all too well. He took a few more steps towards me until he had his hands on my hips and his lips inches apart from mine.

"No. Okay, we can't. Because if we do this, you-, we-, I can't think straight when you-," I rambled, cut off by another mind blowing kiss from Dean. I closed my eyes enjoying every second of it before he pulled away. "See, there you go again." Another kiss. "With your kisses." Kiss. "And your-." Kiss. "Damn it..."

"Well put," he teased, pulling away.

I shook my head, blushing, "Dean, we can't. It's too messy. If you and I..." I trailed off.

"What? Kiss?" Dean asked.

"If we do, I think I'll want more," I blurted out.

"So?" he asked, almost insensitively.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, defensively.

"It means, I want to try this again. You and me, you know?" he asked back.

"Yeah?" I asked, hopeful.

"I mean, yeah," Dean said back. "I just don't know… how to be around if. If… even if this would be a good idea. I hunt, Meredith. I could put you in danger."

"And I can take care of myself," I reminded, taking a step towards him. Was this really happening right now?

"But at the same time, I'd be away all the time. I wouldn't be able to be that stable guy in your life that you need," Dean said.

"I know, I just, I don't know how I'm supposed to just resume daily life when I.. still, well you know. And now that you're here and back. I mean, I get that you have to go out on the road but... but you could come back, right?" I said back, blushing. "Fuck, I'm drunk."

"Yes, you are," Dean agreed, letting out a hearty laugh and leaning down to kiss me again. "But you're right. About us still feeling, as you put it, 'well, you know.'" I laughed.

"So what're you saying?" I asked, giggling a little.

"I'm saying yeah, but could this even work?" he asked back.

"Well, we'll never know until we try," I shrugged, vulnerably. This was either going make or break us and that scared me.

Dean bit his lip, "So what're you saying?"

"I'm saying I want to give us another shot. If you want to," I whispered.

"Me too," he said back, a smile playing on his lips.

I smiled, "Okay."

"And there's one more thing," Dean started, a mischievous smirk on his face.

"Oh?" I asked, raising an eyebrow and in response, he kissed me. Not those small, loving kisses he had given me earlier but passionate, long kisses that took my breath away.

I kissed him back and God, it was intoxicating. I had missed Dean Winchester so much. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the kiss. He pulled me in closer and I wrapped my arms around his neck. His hands moved from my ribcage and then down to my hips.

As much as I hated it, I pulled away, "Hey, um, if we do this… again. I need to take things slow. I'm-, I think we should and... and I'm drunk. You're kind of drunk too."

"Okay, yeah, Mer. Whatever you say. You're drunk," Dean nodded, leaning in for another kiss.

"Wait," I said. "You're okay with this?"

"Yeah. We're taking things slowly. That doesn't mean I can't kiss you," Dean said.

"Okay," I replied. I leaned in and kissed him. And for once, I felt truly happy again.