I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

"Do you really think that?" My hands dropped to my sides, my eyebrows pushed together in confusion. 

"Do you really feel like I don't like you anymore?" 

Why did she think I don't like her any more? Does she not like me any more? Is she mad at me, really? 

I asked myself all of these questions, but really, I knew the answers to most of them. 
Because I have been doubting wether or not I still like her too. 
I had known this was coming for a while now, I could just tell. 

It's been a couple weeks since that day I talked to Austin about this matter. Austin's been in and out of his apartment like crazy lately, which was kind of odd. Meanwhile, I've been at home (partially) with my girlfriend which believes I don't like her any more, and myself who is also starting to believe the same. 

Kaitlyn and I have talked like this a few times since then, but we've never gotten as bad as this. I was on the verge of crying here, and Kaitlyn already was. 
This wasn't one of those fights where we could just have sex and make up. No, this could be the end of 'Alan and Kait'. 

"Yes, Alan, I do. You're not the same lately. You're always going out and you're never home, and never want to be with me. You get mad at me so easily and the way you look at me just isn't the same."

My eyes were turning that dry feeling you get before you cry, while the tears are making their way to spill over. I didn't want to cry in front of her. 
I wasn't crying because of what we were saying, I was crying because she was right, and I miss being in love with her. 

"Baby I'm sorry. I'm sorry I make you feel that way and I'm sorry I'm such a shitty person." I pressed my sleeve-covered fists to my eyes, soaking up any moisture that had escaped. 

She looked mad now instead of upset. 

"Don't call me baby." 
I think she was going to keep going, but being the way I am, I interrupted her. 

"What do you mean, I don't look at you the same way?" 
I sighed heavily, letting my hands fall back to my sides. 

"I mean... I mean there's no love in your eyes any more. At least not for me, anyway. You looking at me used to be one of my favorite things because I could just see how you felt. But it doesn't happen any more." 
Her voice died down to a whisper near the end, and really, it broke my heart to see her and hear her like this. That was it for trying to keep in my tears; they slipped down my cheeks like it was nothing. 

"I...I don't know what to say. Fuck. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." 
My head snapped up then, when what she had said registered to me.

"What do you mean when you said "at least not for me"?" 
What did that mean? Did she think there was someone else? Did she think there was another girl, that I was seeing other people? Did she think I was cheating on her? 

"Alan, don't be stupid with me."
"What the fuck, Kait, I'm not playing stupid, just tell me."

She sighed, running her hands over her eyes, through her hair. 

"You really don't know?" 
I shook my head quickly, a pleading look in my eyes. 

"I meant, that you look at someone else that way now. And that person... Is Austin. You look at your best friend like you're in love with him, I would know."

Austin? Why would I look at Austin like I was in love with him, he was my best friend? Sure, I love him, but in a best-friend way. What was she thinking? I'm not even gay. And sure, we joked around a lot, acting like we're hitting on each other and stuff, but that was all in fun. 
Austin? 

"Why would you think that? I'm not gay. I'm not in love with my best friend, that's not right." 

I denied it, but some part of those words were silently soaking in. 
Austin was my best friend, yes. He was always, ALWAYS there for me. He helps me, he comforts me, we get along great, he makes me laugh all the time. He makes me happy. 
But, love? 
That can't be. 

"I don't know, Alan. I just see it. The same way you used to look at me, it never leaves your face when you're with him. It might not be love, but there's something there. Maybe you're not gay, but...I don't know."
She paused to take a deep breath. 
" And watching him, if I didn't know any better, I'd say he's in love with you. That's why I don't really like him. I feel like he doesn't like me, that he's in love with you or has a crush on you or something and it's a bit intimidating." 

Everything she was saying left me standing there, my jaw slack and hanging open a slightest bit as I thought about it. 
Austin isn't gay either. He likes girls, Hell, he married a girl. 
She was wrong. 

"No. No, Kait. Austin is straight, I am straight, we're friends and that's it. There's nothing like that between us and there never will be. So if he's what you're worried about, then just forget it." 

"Forget what, Alan? Forget that you're hurting me and you never even want to be with me, that you'd rather be out with your friend?" 

"Kait do you not think that I'm upset? I'm fucking. Ugh. I'm crying. I haven't cried in a long time. I can't stand hurting you, and I don't know why I'm being like this but you know what? I don't want to be here. I don't want to fight with you any more, I don't want to hurt you anymore. And that's the truth. I told you I'd never lie to you, there you go." 
So maybe I had raised my voice a little, and maybe that had all come out a bit more harsh than I intended, but I honestly was not expecting what happened next. 
She had her hands pulled into fists and was hitting me in my shoulders and chest. Her punches soon became slaps and I just let her hit me, I felt bad enough, she could hit me. 
But why was she hitting me, anyway? I don't think I had been mean enough for that. I wasn't trying to be mean, things just kept spilling out of my mouth before I could stop it. 

I had subconsciously moved my hand to where I was lightly stroking her back while she cried. 
She looked up at me once she was done abusing my chest. 

"The whole time...you were lying to me weren't you? D-did you ever actually love me? Or even like me?"

"What, of course I did! I...I did. I loved you. And I-I like you, I may still love you it's just not the same, I don't know Kait, I don't know what happened. But I loved you, absolutely. I'm sorry. And you can dump my ass now, because I'm a huge dick and I know I would..." I stared down at my feet, really letting it hit me how horrible I had been the past month or two. And I felt like shit. 

-&-

We were over. 
Kait had told me she was done being upset by me any more, later that night, and she apparently already had plans to live with one of her friends. 
So she'd been planning this. That made ms feel a little better, making me feel like it wasn't entirely me that made her want to leave and that she had also been doubting us. I'm not sure how that made me feel better, maybe it took some guilt off of having to possibly make her stop liking me. 

Even though it felt better to have her to not worry about any more, I was still really upset. I had loved her, and a part of me had wanted to stay with her; but I suppose if we both had even the slightest bit of doubt, it wouldn't have worked out in the long run. 
She had left to bring some of her things to her friends house about twenty minutes ago, and the second she left I had planted myself on the couch, stuck thinking about what really just happened. 

No matter how sad I was right now, I couldn't cry. Nothing would come out, even if I tried. This really sucked because all I wanted to do was cry. 

It's already been three days since she said it was over, and the longer she stayed here the worse I felt. I didn't want her to leave, but I couldn't wait for her to go so I wouldn't feel like complete shit any more. 

I had called Austin later that night (probably not the best person to call considering the situation, but oh well) and told him everything. 
He gave great support, comforting me into the middle of the night until I had to force him to hang up, convincing him that I'd be fine. Even while I was talking to him, relaying every detail, I still couldn't cry. 
That's all I wanted right now. 
Along with a few cold drinks that would block everything out for a while. 

Maybe I could go out. I could have Austin come along. 
I just had to get out of the apartment before she got back and I had to feel yet another wave of guilt. 

"Hey Austin?" I spoke into my phone. "Would you mind picking me up in a few?"