I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

"It's me." 
I quietly pushed the door open, letting Alan know it was just me. Not stopping to take off my shoes, I made my way to where I knew he'd be in the living room. 
He was a sorry state. He sat with his knees to his chin, his hair a mess. He looked like he hadn't slept very well, which was odd because he was always sleeping, and was staring off into what appeared to be nothing. 
I sat down next to him, taking the chance to rest my hand on his thigh, rubbing soothing circles over his jeans. 

"Hey." He finally broke his silence, but barely moving.

"Are you ready to go?" 
I asked, looking around to see how much the place was missing. She had a lot of stuff here, I guess, because the place seemed empty. 
We should probably leave soon so he doesn't feel any worse. I could tell he was really upset, even if he said otherwise. 

I felt him nod against me before he said a plain "yeah" and I rose to my feet, waiting for him to follow. 
I took him by surprise as soon as he was stood next to me by throwing my arms around him in a tight hug.
He slowly slid his arms around my waist, and I whispered through his hair. "Are you okay?" 

He looked up at me after I could tell he had rolled his eyes, sighing. 
"I'm fine, Austin." He gave a plastered grin. To anyone else, it would have seemed real. But I knew him too well to believe it. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes. I just wanna go have fun." 

I gave a hum in reply before leading us out to my truck. 

-&- 

"Alan, please slow down." 
I pleaded, watching him take another drink. 

I had started asking him to stop about an hour ago when he was on his fifth drink. He just kept going tonight, and I was starting to get scared. I know he's just upset but he doesn't usually drink like this. He usually stops when he knows it's time.

"I'm just... Having, fun Austin." He hiccuped. 

I frowned at him as he stared off. 

"You've had a lot tonight, Al." 

"Austin I came here with you to have fun. If you're not gonna have fun then piss off." 

Oh. 
I know that shouldn't have upset me as much as it did, he was drunk, he didn't know really what he was saying. But still, the way he looked at me, the tone he used, his words; it was all enough to make me want to cry. 

"If this is what you call fun, I guess I'll piss off now." 
I spoke to him but it came out only as a whisper. 
I slid out of my chair and made my way to the back of the bar to sit where I could still keep my eye on Alan. 
I had to get away before I started crying and looked like an idiot. It might not have been as bad if I had been drinking too, but I was here to watch Alan and plus, I don't think alcohol would help with the way I felt. 

I just wish I could tell Alan what was going on, maybe then he'd realize just how sensitive I was and how much the littlest things effected me. 

But there are some things you can't even tell your best friend. 
Not yet, anyway. I'd tell him when the time was right. Plus he's got his own problems right now, he doesn't need my problems on top of that. I had to make sure he was all right before myself. 

I tapped my fingers on the table while I waited to see how much more Alan could take. 

-&- 

It was about an hour later, Alan was still sat at the bar, but had only bought one more drink. 
I guess maybe something inside his drunken mind had registered what I had said, and he was slowing down. Maybe he was getting sick. What ever it was, I was glad he stopped drinking finally. 

I didn't know if he was still mad at me, so I made my way slowly to the seat next to him once again.
It was like he hadn't moved an inch. He was still in the same position, his arms crossed in front of him on the table, staring off.  

"Alan...?" I tried. 
No response. 

"Al, are you ready to go home?" 

He turned now, looking at me with an expression that could have even scared me. He looked terrified, his eyes wide and head shaking quickly. 

"No! No I don't- I want to stay- I-" 
"Alan! Calm down." I rubbed my finger tips over his arm gently, staring right into his scared eyes. 
"I'll take you to my place. Okay?" 

If he was still mad, I wouldn't know for a while. He seemed to just be trying to figure out what was happening around him; he was so freaked out about going home. 

-&- 

I was woken up by a groan coming from my right. I opened my eyes to find orange hair set just above me, a bare back beneath it. I took the opportunity and let my eyes trail over his skin, taking in every detail once again. He had no idea that I was awake yet as he sat at the edge of the bed, his arms bent above his head in a stretch. With his arms above his head I had a perfect view of the tattoo running up from his hips to about where his arm met his side. I know it sounds creepy, but I just wanted to run my fingers over every line, every stroke the needle had left on his perfect skin. 
I could see all the muscles in his back when he stretched, and I couldn't help but let it hit me how beautiful this boy was. Even in the morning, with his messy hair and morning breath, his less than clothed body. I could definitely get used to this, if it were possible. God how I wish it was. 

He was still turned away from me, completely unaware of me being awake beside him. I kind of didn't want him to know I was yet, I wasn't much of a morning person even when it came to Alan. I woke up and it'd take around an hour for me to be awake enough to talk at all. If you tried to talk to me before that time, I'd end up replying in a snappy tone. Of course I didn't mean to, it just came out. 

Plus, today, I wasn't completely sure where I stood with Alan. I had no idea if he was still mad at me or if he even remembered last night. 
I was hoping he didn't. 

The position I was in was getting uncomfortable, but if I moved he'd know I was awake. 

My body got the best of me and I ended up turning on my side, facing him of course. 
He heard me move and turned around. 
I smiled up at him, hoping for the best. 

"Morning." 

He rubbed his forehead before he spoke. 
"I feel like a fucking piece of shit."

I almost chuckled at him. What a lovely way to start the day. 

"I'll get you some ibuprofen." I threw the warm blankets off, heading to the bathroom to get the small bottle of pills and a glass of water. 
As soon as I opened the cupboard door I gasped at my reflection, pushing the door back to look in the mirror. 
"Shit!" I murmured to myself, running my hand down my bare torso. 
 I had completely forgot I had to wear a shirt and my hips were
 completely exposed. Alan could have seen. He probably did see, fuck. What would I do if he had? 
I searched the bathroom for a shirt and ended up picking up a plain gray t-shirt. It was probably dirty but it'd have to do for now. 

I brought the water and pills to Alan then made my way to the kitchen. 

It was completely silent besides the coffee pot on the counter until Al made his way in, also.
I drummed my fingers on the table, waiting for any sign that he remembered last night. 

He pulled out a chair to sit across from me at the table. 

"Austin?" 

Here we go. 

"Yeah?" 

"I can't remember shit from last night. But, I do know that you're upset and I feel like it's because of me. What did I do?" 

So he doesn't remember. I could play this off so he wouldn't ever have to know; he'd probably beat himself up over it if I told him. 

"Nothing, I'm fine." I smiled. 

"Don't not tell me just because you don't want me to be upset, please." 

I sighed. 
"Al, it was nothing, really. I'm just a big baby." I laughed. 

"Austin I'm serious." 

"Alan, I'm serious." I grinned. 

He kind of just glared at me now, but not really angrily, he looked at me in more of a pleading way. 
He wasn't letting it go. 

I let out a long sigh again, slowly lowering my face to rest my forehead on the table. 

"You told me to have fun or piss off." 
I knew he wouldn't be able to hear me with my face pressed to the table, my voice muffled by the flat surface. 

"What?" 
I heard him lean forward in his seat as I sat up and rubbed my eyes. 

"I said, you told me to have fun or piss off. So I "pissed off" and waited for you to be done. It was nothing, I just left you alone then brought you home." 

I didn't know what to do, or what he was doing, just sitting there and staring at me. 
It was kind of weird and I was getting uncomfortable with his eyes on me. 

"Al-Alan, what?" 
I kind of ducked my head. 

"I said that to you? Being serious? Why am I such a dick? Oh my god..." He let his head slump against his arms resting on the table. 
I didn't know wether to comfort him and tell him it was all right again or just let it be because really, he had upset me. 
But I wasn't that bad of a friend. 

"Alan. Alan, look at me." I brushed my finger at his chin to get him to lift his head, which he did. 

"You are not a dick. Okay? You we're upset, and plus, you were drunk. It shouldn't have upset me, anyway, I'm just... I'm really sensitive sometimes. It. Is. Fine." 

His frowned just deepened. 
"Yeah, I know! Which makes it even worse! Even if I'm drunk or upset I shouldn't take it out on you, it's not your fault. And I know you can be sensitive so that means I should be even nicer to you but I can't even do that!"