I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

"Where are we going?" 

"How many times are you going to ask me before y-you get that I'm n-not gonna tell you?" I laughed, looking off through the window to see squirrels chasing each other up a tree. How cute, I thought. 

Alan was sitting next to me in my truck, a blindfold (cliche, I know) over his eyes as I drove down a dirt side-road. We were going camping today, this he knew, but he didn't know where so I was surprising him. 

"Pleeeeaase, we've been driving for so long." He whined. 

"It's a surprise! If I told you, i-it would ruin it." 

"Ugh, fine." 

Honestly I wasn't expecting this to happen- for him to act like this. It was really movie-like if you ask me, someone brings someone on a trip, blindfolds them and the passenger doesn't shut up about where they're being taken. But it didn't bother me. 

Luckily, for my sake, Alan kept quiet the rest of the way there. "Luckily" because I'm not very good at keeping secrets like this, I always slip up some how. 

Not today, Austin. Not today. 

I pulled up to the site where we'd be staying, parking the truck before I got out to help Alan. 

"We're here, but don't take the blindfold off yet, okay?" he nodded and I hesitantly wrapped my fingers around his, leading him along through the trees until we came to where I would set up our tent. 

"I hate to break it to you, but you're gonna have to keep this on for a while still" I brushed at the blindfold as I had him sit against a tree. I still had to set some things up, it wouldn't take that long but I didn't want him to get uncomfortable standing. 

He only sighed and I walked back to my truck, bringing back a couple bags. 

I had come out here yesterday after I had left my doctor's to set up the tents; our beds were made inside and I had stocked up enough food for a week. 

Which reminds me, I should probably think about telling Alan what was wrong with me. I didn't like going around with him in the dark about the whole situation, or not having him at the doctors with me. He always came with me, it's been that way for going on three years now. 
I just had to find the right time. 

I shook my head, bringing myself back to where I was starting a fire on the forest floor. I had cleared a small area and surrounded it with rocks I had found about, then filled it with brush and small logs, hoping to achieve a perfect fire. I wanted this whole trip to be perfect, as perfect as perfect can get; to match Alan.

"Are you almost done? Are we gonna eat soon?" 

I laughed at his questioning; we had just eaten an hour ago. 

"Yup. I'm almost done then we can eat, okay Princess?" 

"Okay. And why do you keep calling me princess, are you making fun of me?" 

It may not seem funny, but I found the whole situation quite entertaining. Alan was sat against a tree, having no idea where he was, with a blindfold over his face, asking me all these questions. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Because, you're my princess. My Ginger princess, in fact. I would never make fun of you, Alan, you should know that." 

I looked up from where I was stacking wood near the tents to see his lips turn into a frown. 

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, it's just hard for me to not think like that lately. Like everyones mad at me or doesn't like me or something, I don't know. I'll get over it." 
He sighed and I swear I felt my heart cracking. I didn't want him to feel like that. I knew how that felt, and he didn't deserve to feel that way. That felt like shit, lowered your self esteem and tore you apart. If there was any way for me to help him feel better I'd do it in a heart beat. 

"What, why do you think that?" I felt my eyebrows lift worriedly. 
He shrugged, and I realized he still had the blindfold on. 

"Because-" 

"Wait. I'm almost done." 

I finished unpacking the last things I had brought then made my way to settle next to Alan against the tree. 
He turned his head to face me, so I had to reach around to untie the cloth from his head. The knot was undone and we just sat there staring at each other. It made me feel very uncomfortable, I felt like I shouldn't let him see me; like he wouldn't want to see me. I was nothing to look at, I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to see me. 
But it was so awkward, the proximity between us was that of which two people might initiate a kiss, something I wanted so badly. And it was so, so tempting. I tilted my head down, fiddling with the string that hung from the knee of my pants. 

I was just about to speak again, ask him what was up, but he beat me to it.

"Did you do all of this?" 
He gestured to the small campsite and I nodded, sighing. I had hoped we were having a deep moment, maybe it would have given me the nerve to tell him what was going on with me. 

"Yeah, I did. I came out ye-yesterday and set up most of it. I hope it's okay?" 

I took a minute to really look at it. I had our tent on the far side of the circle, a fire pit in the very center with two chairs beside it, the tent was opened slightly so you could see inside where our sleeping bags were rolled out with about five blankets beneath them for cushioning. There were white and multi-colored Christmas lights strung between the trees that enclosed us, those would look amazing tonight, and there would be fireflies and the stars. This should be great. I had a small portable radio set between our chairs, there were bags of marshmallows and chocolate bars and Graham crackers to make s'mores later and I had even gotten extra peanut butter cups in case he wanted to put them on his, I know he liked them. 

"Heck yes it's okay. This is great Austin, thanks." He smiled at me.  
We sat in silence for about another minute just looking around, until I broke the silence. 

"Hey, A-Al?"

He looked at me, letting me know I had his attention. 

"What you said earlier, what do you mean? Why do you feel like everyones mad at you and stuff?"

It was then that he looked away, and I could see the way his body slumped, almost like in defeat. 

"Oh. That. I just, lately, I feel like... I just." He fought to find the words he wanted. 
 "I feel like shit, y'know? I may not be as attached to Kaitlyn as I used to be, but she was a part of me for quite a while, and it's not easy to let go of people when you feel something so deeply for them for even the shortest time. I miss having her. And I just get low, and it makes me feel like everybody sees me the same way. Low. Stupid, ignorant, I can't do anything right. The one person that was supposed to always be there, the one I loved, left me. I know it's my fault but it hurts to see someone leave, you know that." 

I found myself nodding slowly, looking right into his eyes, trying to take in what he was saying. 
How? How could someone so precious, so wonderful, so perfect, feel so badly about themselves? Even if it was just one thing that was causing him to feel this way, he should never have to. 

Fuck no. 

"Alan Anthony, you are wrong." I held my self with confidence, trying to make an emphasis on what I was saying, even if I had none. 

"You are a wonderful person. You're funny, you're nice, you have such a kind heart, you've got quite a story, you're something to look up to. And you, your entire existence? It's precious. You are honestly the best friend I've ever had, the best I could ever ask for. All my other friends, they've been shit. Complete. Shit. But you, you aren't. You're there for me, always. And I'll always be here for you." I took a break to take a deep breath before I continued. I was on a roll now, might as well keep going, right? Maybe I could get how I feel out without really telling him what it all meant. 

"And you don't deserve any of the shit you've been handed. It doesn't matter how little it is, if it's a problem at all, it matters. And I don't want any of it to have to get to you any more. You are so wonderful, Alan. You're like, perfect. I'm serious." 

He frowned at me again, shaking his head quickly. 

"No, no Austin. Thank you, but I'm not. I'm not perfect,  if anyone's perfect, it's you. You're tall, attractive, funny, smart. You're wise beyond your years, you've been through so much. Way more than me. I'm nothing to look up to compared to you." 

The way he was talking and the look on his face, it was too much for me. I cannot stand to see this person in any sort of distress, and knowing it was over himself made it all the worse. I let my arms snake around his shoulders, burying my face into his shoulder as I hugged him. 

"I wish you could just see yourself the way I see you." 

It came out as a muffled jumble of words to Alan, though. 

"What?" he whispered. 

I shook my head quickly, pulling back. 
"Nothing. Hey, what do you say we have fun now, yeah?" I smiled at him hopefully. 

"Yeah. That's what were here for." He smiled back and we both got up. 

-&- 

Honestly, I hadn't even known there was a lake nearby. But, lucky for us there was, and we spent most of our day in the water, only getting out to eat. Once the sun sank lower in the sky we had dried off and headed back to where I had cooked us grilled cheese over the fire. Alan had said he loved it, and I had had a more than wonderful day spent swimming with the boy I loved.

 I could do this every day, I thought, as I turned over to see Alan asleep next to me. I smiled as he twitched in his sleep, letting out a jumble of words that came out more as a sigh. 
He seemed to talk in his sleep a lot, I had noticed the past week or so. 
Seriously, the kid's obsessed with cats. I woke to him talking to his "baby Jasey"-which wasn't all that bad because Jasey had been his cat when he was little and he missed her, but still- one night, and another night he apparently dreamed of being in an animal shelter. I almost woke him up laughing. 
I let out a huff of a laugh and rolled over, I supposed I should get to sleep so I could be up in the morning to make Alan breakfast.

-&-

"Alan! Alan, get out of the tent!" I shook the side of the tent, un-zipping it. 
Okay, so maybe I should never cook eggs over the fire again. Or maybe I should just never leave the fire to go pee again.

He pushed his way out, rubbing his eyes. 
"What?"

"I was making you breakfast but I had to pee so I went over there" I gestured off into the woods "and when I came back this was on fire, I think the ashes spread and caught on this." 

I stamped my foot over the plastic mat that the tent rested on, then went to the cooler to get a bottle of water to pour over it. 

"I just wanted you out in case it spread to the tent, I'm sorry I woke you up though." I stepped on the charred material until I was sure the fire was gone. 

"No, I'm fine. You made me breakfast?" 
He walked over to the fire where I had our plates on the stumps, taking one and sitting down with it. 

"Y-yeah, well, I tried, at least." I scratched at my neck, waiting to see how he reacted to the food.

I guess it wasn't that bad. 

"Aus, this is great. Thanks man, you're the best." He smiled up at me as I sat next to him. 
God, he's fucking adorable. 

"Austin?" 

"Wh-what?" I cleared my throat, taking a bite of the bacon I held. 

"You were staring at me, I was just seeing if you were..." he waved his hands a little "okay." He laughed. 

"Oh, heh, sorry. I didn't realize I was." I turned my head down, pushing my eggs around. I had been hungry before, but the turning in my stomach was back now, and I didn't feel like eating. 

"It's okay, Austin. I don't care. Here, I'll stare at you." 
And I could feel his eyes burning on the side of my face. It made me a bit uncomfortable, I admit; I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. 

"Um, n-no, you shouldn't." I chuckled, brushing my fingers through my hair. 

"Why not?" 

"I- because."

"Because why?" he teased. 

And I didn't mean to say what I said next, but I did. 

"Because I'm stupid and I wouldn't want to look at me if I were you." 

Shit. 

"Forget I said th-" 

"Austin, you're not stupid. And I... I wanna look at you." It was his turn to blush, as he ducked his head a bit. 

No matter how happy those last five words had made me, I didn't believe it, but I wouldn't let him know that.  

"Th-thanks...I wanna look at you too." I smiled, trying to lighten the mood. 

He huffed, shaking his head, a grin on his face. 

"I'm serious."

"I am too." I replied. He looked up at me then. 
There was something in his eyes, something on his face that held more than he was saying, and I swear I would get it out of him soon. 

"Well, then, thanks. And I'm not fucking kidding, you're not stupid, and you most definitely aren't ugly." 

"Thanks..." 

And we went back to our breakfast. 

-&- 

"Race you to the water, last one in's a burnt tent tarp!" 

"Hey!" I laughed, taking off after him as he sped to the lake. 
I could have beaten him thanks to my long legs, but I ended up letting him make his way in front of me last second. 
Instead, I ran up behind him, placing my arms around his small waist to pick him up slightly, spinning him around through the water. We were both laughing when I set him down, facing me. 

"You dick, you scared the shit outta me, I thought you were gonna throw me!" 

"Why would I do that?" I teased, because that's exactly what I planned on doing. 
Right. Now. 

"I do-"
I picked him up again, shouting, "Plug your nose!" 

He looked down at me, his eyes blown wide, head shaking. 
"Don't you dare! Put me down!" 

I brought my arms down to where we were face to face, but really they were just starting to hurt. He might not be a heavy person, but a person is a person and my arms were bound to ache no matter what. 

"And what are you gonna do to stop me? Hell, I could kill yo-" 
I was cut off by a warmth developing my mouth. 

Alan had leaned forward quickly, gently placing his lips to mine in a simple peck. A small gesture that meant the world to me. I let him sink back onto his feet, just staring at him with wide eyes. 
We stood there, looking at each other for what felt like an hour before I wrapped my arms around him once again, this time in a tight hug. It was kind of tense until I felt him hug me back. 

Why had he done that? 
Probably to shut me up, I'm so fucking annoying. 
Maybe he... No. No matter how close we were, no matter how much we were together, how much we had in common, he would never like a fucked up person like me. That was out of the question, he was only shutting me up. 

"What were you saying?" I felt his breath warm through my shirt on my shoulder.

"Huh? Oh, I was saying," I kind of giggled, "I could kill you right now and nobody would know." 

It was true, we were miles from civilization. 
He pulled back a little to face me.

"You don't plan on killing me, do you?" 
He was joking but I could see a tint of fear in his eyes, and it made me laugh. 

"All depends on what you think of my cooking tonight." I smirked at him. 

"You're such an ass." He grinned. 

-&-

"Fine. One hit, that's it." I gave in. 

"Really? You will?" Alan seemed ecstatic at my decision. 

I sighed, holding my hand out, waiting for him to pass me the blunt. 
Yeah, the weed. That I was trying. For the first time ever. Here goes nothing. 

I brought it to my lips, mimicking how I had seen Alan do it, and breathed in. 

"Make sure you 'swallow' it. Then hold it." 

I did as was told, then watched as the smoke left my mouth. 

"Alan, I don't feel any different, I don't get what's so great about it." 

He laughed, taking a drag himself. 

"That's because you only took one hit, It takes a couple. You wanna try again?" 

Actually, I could feel my heart pace picking up a little, and I didn't really like it. 
"No, I'm good." 

He was silent until he just burst out laughing. 

"What?" I frowned a little. 

"You've already got chink-eye, dude." He continued to laugh, and I let out a few chuckles along with him, trying to figure just what the fuck he was talking about. 

"You don't know what that is, do you?" 

I felt my face getting red as I looked down to where I was kicking my feet through the soft dirt. 

"N-no."

"Your eyes are all red. Chink-eye is when your eyes get red after smoking, it makes you look like you're really tired....How could you have gone through all of highschool and not know this? Or not have ever tried smoking?" 

I must seem so lame. I'm so stupid. 

"I uh...well, I j-ju- I...I was a good kid, okay? Honestly I spent more time with my mother than anybody else. I wasn't exactly welcomed into groups of other kids much. Nobody r-really liked me. You know that."

"Shit. I'm sorry. I do know, and I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry. I think it's good you didn't get into that stuff, I respect that."

"No, I probably seem lame. Ugh, I'm just so stupid..." My voice trailed off as it got quieter, to the point where I could barely hear what I had said at the end. 

"Austin, stop. You're not stupid, it's a really good thing. Okay? But I know something that'll make you feel better." 

Making out with you would be nice. 

Alan winked, swerving his hand in an attempted airplane to bring the blunt back to my mouth. 
I shook my head, laughing. 

"Remind me to not ever let you drive a plane. And I thought you just said it was good that I didn't smoke weed?" 

"Yeah, when you were younger. And what's that supposed to mean?" He feigned upset, placing a hand to his chest. 

"It means I don't trust you when you're high." 
I slapped my legs, laughing at my own joke. 

"Ha! Get it? High? Like, you're high right now and your make-shift little plane here was all over the place, and when you're actually in a plane you're up high?" 

"Yeah, literate genius, Austin." He was sarcastic but he was laughing along with me. 

"Fuck, that was funny." 

"I think you might not need to take another hit. You seem pretty good already." 

"Good cause I didn't plan on it." I gave a small smile, eyeing the spot across the camp where it was all grass. 

"Where you going?" Alan asked me as I made my way over to said spot, falling back into a laying position. 

"I'm laying down. Come here." 

A few seconds passed before I heard his feet shuffling over the dirt, then brushing the grass beside me. 

We didn't say anything, just laid there looking around. I'm really glad I set up the Christmas lights around the trees. They might not be very orderly, but they still looked magnificent along with the white-dotted black sky above us. 

"Hey Austin?" 

"Yeah?" 

"What do you think's out there? Like...what do you think it all means?" 

I had to think about this for a moment, before I sighed and answered. 

"I think it means you need to go to bed." 
I smiled at him. 

"What? I'm serious!" 

"You're asking me about "the beyond" I think you're a little off your rocker." 
He just sighed, and I felt kind of bad. 

"I think... Well, I'll tell you what I don't think. I don't think, that each of those stars is a person. I don't think that each of those stars is someone looking down on us because let's be real, they're suns. Our sun isn't a giant person in the sky, so why should the other stars be?
   I also don't think that Heaven is necessarily up there." I pointed up to the sky. 

"I, of course, believe in Heaven, along with some sort of God. Just not in a physical sense. I don't think that when we get up to Heaven that we'll float on clouds and things, I believe in Heaven as a spiritual figure. Somewhere we go after we've moved on from this life and are at peace. Some place where our souls will be happy enough to spend eternity in, unless we come back here as another living creature. I'm not really sure what I think about that. I'd like to believe that I'll come back here after I've passed on. I also hope that I'll get to see my mother again. It's such an odd subj-"

"I don't want to die." He whispered next to me. 

"What?" I had been so caught up in my rambling I didn't quite understand him. 

"I don't want to die." He whispered again, staring up at the sky. 
"I don't care where we go or what happens, I don't want it to happen at all. I do. Not. Want. To. Die." 

"Well Alan, it happens to everyone. Everything passes on. Old things die for new things to grow, it's what life is."

He turned on to his side, curling up. 

"I'm scared." 

I copied his position, except instead of laying completely down I had my head rested on my palm, looking down at him. 

"Don't be scared, Alan. It will only happen when it's the right time. I've been dead before, don't forget. And really, it's not that bad. It's just nothing. I'm not really sure WHAT it is. It's just... There." 

He nodded at me, sitting up a little in his worry. 

"That's what I'm scared of though. The nothing. I'm scared of there not being anything, I'm scared of not being able to see or hear or smell or remember anything at all." His voice was quickly rising. 
He was really scared. 
I brushed his hair back gently, caressing my fingers over his cheek bone. 

"Alan. It's not going to happen for a long time. And by then, you'll be ready. It'll be just another day in the life of a human for you. So don't worry about it. Live for now." 

"I think about it all the time, I scare the shit out of my self sometimes." 

I didn't really know what to say now. He obviously wasn't calmed by what I was saying, and that's the only way I knew how to explain. 
I leaned down again to hug him tightly. 

"What even made you think of this?" I rubbed my hand lightly up and down his back soothingly. 

"I was thinking about your surgery, and... I'm just scared. That's all. I just, I dunno I think about it a lot, actually." He coughed, clearing his throat as I felt him bring his arms in to snuggle into my side. 

I guess we ended up falling asleep there because I woke up who-knows-how-much longer, my arms still around his shoulders and his face hurried in my chest. What had woken me up, was his small body shaking next to mine. At first I thought he was shivering, but then he started kicking-me- and mumbling under his breath. He sounded either scared or upset, so I figured it good to wake him up, even if I didn't want to move from this spot. Plus, we had to get off the ground and Into the tent. 
I ended up waking him, convincing him that everything was, in fact, okay then had to convince him to move from his spot on the ground so I could tuck him into the sea of blankets in our tent; which I did gladly, returning to our former positions.