Before I Wake

Panic welled up in my chest as I threw my haven of blankets and pillow to the floor, tripping and falling as I hauled myself up from the floor to follow Chelsea. The papers scattered to the floor and I looked at them in hatred. This cannot be happening. Oh, but it was. My phone began to ring, grabbing my attention for a moment. Zack's name lit up on the screen and I had the overwhelming urge to reach over and answer it, willing him to fix the situation I had now found myself in.

I ignored it, racing up the stairs, taking two at a time, determined to talk to her. My previous exhaustion was all but forgotten as I found myself in front of her bedroom door in record time. I felt the tears streaming down my face as I threw my hands against the door, begging her to let me in.

"Chelsea," I screamed, frantically throwing my fists against the hard wood. "Please, let me explain!"

I heard nothing. Chelsea, my best friend, the one who had always been there for me, was completely ignoring me. I could feel the tension between us, even with her bedroom blocking us from each other. How had this happened? How could I have been so completely and utterly stupid?

"Please," I sobbed, growing weary. "Chelsea, let me explain. Please." I felt my legs giving out, my previous exhaustion slamming into my body. I slid down the door, placing my back against it, too tired to continue with a losing battle. I let out a sigh, trying to contain the tears that continued to fall down my face.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling a massive headache coming on. What the hell am I going to do now? Wait. All I could do was wait. Chelsea would talk to me when she was ready and I had to accept that. But, I would not remove myself from in front of her door, afraid she may try and leave, too upset to even speak to me.

I must have fallen asleep waiting for her, because when she flung that door open, I couldn't control myself as I fell back, slamming my head against the floor and yelling out at the sudden lack of door behind me. I found myself staring up at her small figure, her gaze intense and unwavering.

"Chelsea-" I began, scrambling to sit up, but was stopped by her intense gaze. Her eyes were red and puffy, the evidence of crying written all over her face. She looked, crushed. I felt the air leave me as the overwhelming wave of sadness and guilt washed over me.

She looked away from me, her eyes drifting toward the floor. The silence stretched between us, causing the knot in my stomach to twist even tighter. How this was going to play out, I honestly had no idea.

"How could you not tell me?" She whispered softly, I almost didn't hear her. The look on her face was heart wrenching and I almost couldn't answer her, afraid I wouldn't be able to find my voice.

She was facing away from me, her posture clearly indicating that the last thing she wanted to be doing was talk to me. I had dragged myself off the floor by now, standing a few feet from her, feeling her anger radiate off of her in waves.

"I know there isn't ever going to be a good enough excuse, Chelsea," I whispered, willing my voice to not quake. "But, I was scared." I took a step toward her, only to have her take one back, bringing my aggravation to the surface, but, I kept it at bay.

She shook her head, causing her auburn waves to stick to the remaining tears on her face. "I just don't get it," She mumbled. "I'm your best friend, you should be able to tell me everything. Especially this." She threw her arm out toward me, causing me to wince. I knew she was right, she always was. I had known that this day would come, I just never expected it to turn out like this.

"Does Zack know?" She continued, her voice holding a bit of venom. Panic crept up into my chest, knowing full well that she would be livid when she found out I hadn't even told him. I shook my head, not wanting to see her reaction.

"Unbelievable," She scoffed. "Not even he knows. You better tell him, or I will." She threatened, causing my eyes to go wide.

"Chelsea, no," I began, feeling as though I was begging her. "I'll tell him soon, I just didn't want to get him involved, okay?" She continued to glare at me, causing the panic to well up inside of me once more.

"Promise me, Chelsea," I begged. "Let me tell him when I'm ready." She said nothing, but gave me a small nod, easing some of the panic and tension that had been present.

"You'll never understand how sorry I am, Chelsea. But, I promise I was going to tell you," She gave me a hard glare, clearly thinking otherwise. I let out a soft sigh, making my way toward her slowly, pleased that she didn't step away. "I was just afraid. Cancer is scary." I mumbled the last part, scuffing my foot across the ground, embarrassed at what she would think.

The sudden noise of her racing across the room startled me, causing my gaze to fly upward and catch her figure flying toward me, arms wide. She crashed into me, wrapping her arms around me in a vice-like grip. Warm splashes hit my shoulder and I knew that everything was going to be okay, not perfect, but, okay.

"I'm so angry," She sobbed, leaning back from our embrace and giving me a hard glare, the anger and sadness still present in her eyes. "But, I love you so much and I don't want to waste anymore time being angry with you." I nodded vigorously, hugging her tightly once more, apologizing profusely and feeling the tears stream down my face.

"We will get through this," She stated, her determination evident. "Together." I nodded, squeezing her tightly. It wasn't going to be easy, but, the relief I was now feeling at the fact that someone now knew, was overwhelming.

+++

I had plans to meet Zack for the first time in weeks today and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I had no idea how this meeting was going to go, especially after how things ended the last time we had seen one another. I scowled at the thought, checking myself once more in the mirror as I headed down stairs, eager to get to The Rabbit Hole, the place that Zack and I had agreed to meet at. I dressed comfortably, wearing a pair of dark wash jeans and a simple, purple tank, snagging my grey jacket as I made my way outside.

It had only been about a week since the fiasco between Chelsea and I, and while it was clear she was still angry with me, she was also very understanding about the entire situation, listening as I explained to her what I was going through and how everything worked. I could tell it made her uncomfortable, wishing that it was anyone but me that had to go through what I was, but, she was trying, which was all that mattered.

I arrived at the cafe faster than I expected, noticing that Zack's car wasn't in the parking lot. I made my way inside, throwing Emily a quick wave and sliding myself into one of the many booths, bouncing slightly in my seat as I waited for Zack to arrive.

I wonder how things are going to play out now. I placed my hand under my chin, thoughts of the future coming to the forefront of my mind. Everything was so different, I had never imagined my life would be unfolding in this way just months ago. I had plans and goals set, but now, this cancer was dictating my life, ruining any plans I had set for myself. I let out a sigh, dropping my hand from underneath my chin and placing my head down on the table, the sudden thought of my future exhausting me.

"Tired?" His voice drifted through the air like a breeze, but still startling me. I jumped a bit, throwing my gaze upward and immediately locking eyes with mischievous hazel eyes. He smiled down at me softly, his brown hair ruffled and unkempt, just the way I liked it.

"Hey, stranger," I whispered, lifting myself up from the booth, reaching out to fill the void that his open arms held. "I missed you." I mumbled into his black tee. I felt his arms wrap around my tiny figure, squeezing me tightly.

"I missed you too," He smiled down at me as I pulled away, sending butterflies free in my stomach. His eyebrows furrowed for a moment, confusion written on his face. "You've lost weight." He mumbled.

This kid hasn't seen me in weeks and he still notices every little thing. I was astonished, but, quickly hid my emotion, instead letting out a light laugh, shaking my head.

"You're crazy," I grinned, placing myself back into the booth, Zack following suit, his smile returning to his face. God, I had missed this kid.

The conversation flowed between us, as though we hadn't even stopped talking. The laughter and memories resurfaced and I couldn't help but feel happier than I had in weeks. Zack hadn't done much in the past few weeks, I learned, spending his free time practicing with the band and such. I nodded, knowing full well that his music career was on the rise. I had missed this. I had missed him. I was hoping our conversation wouldn't drift toward the night that had torn us apart, but, I suppose that had been wishful thinking.

I had a steaming cup of green tea in front of me, reading somewhere that it helped ease the pain associated with cancer, when he decided to bring it up, causing me to scowl slightly. "Do we want to talk about what happened, Alaine?" He asked, his voice soft. I grumbled softly, lifting my cup to my lips, not wanting to have this particular conversation. Things had been going so well.

"What is there to talk about, Zack? Nothing happened." I mumbled, my lips still placed on my cup. The steam rising from the cup didn't do much to obscure the scowl that adorned his face, clearly not wanting to hear those words. But, what did he expect?

He let out a sigh, clearly agitated. HIs finger skimmed the rim of his empty cup, causing me to lose focus. I could feel his gaze on me, burning a hole into my head. I suppose he was expecting me to say more on the subject, but, there was no way in hell I was going to tell him what I really wanted to happen that night.

"Zack, we are friends, right?" I voiced after the silence had begun to stretch on into the zone of becoming very uncomfortable. He nodded, his eyes full of eagerness.

"So," I stated, trying to get my voice to stay strong, wanting nothing more than to stop the words that were about to flow out of my mouth. "Let's not confuse things, okay?" I smiled softly at him, trying to keep my face full of this fake honesty.

He seemed stunned for a moment, his face dropping and his eyes closing for a brief moment. He nodded, his eyes still closed, as though he was in pain. "Right," He mumbled, opening his eyes slowly, connecting them with mine. "Wouldn't want that."

I nodded once more, feeling the sharp pain of heartbreak and guilt seep into my chest. I suddenly felt very heavy, but, kept a smile on my face, turning our conversation once more to a lighter subject, choosing to ignore the obvious confusion on Zack's face. I did not want to read into that.

His voice filled the small cafe around us, eagerly filling me in on how well he and the band were doing. But, the constant thought of "what the hell did you just do?", racked my brain. I had just been given the opportunity to tell Zack everything and instead, I brought the tea cup to my lips once again, nodding at something Zack had said, instead, I chose to make things even more confusing, the very thing I had told the boy sitting across from me, that I didn't want.