Never Stop Believing

“At least, I never left him behind.”

“You don’t know anything about us, Brian. You don’t know what happened to us. You don’t know wh-”

“Please, Violet. Stop with that motherfucker conversation. You knew Jimmy had a band. If you ‘lost’ him, you could find him easily.”

“I tried, okay? I tried everything I could. But, then… I gave up…”

“Exactly! You gave up. You don’t deserve him. He never gave up on you. Never!”

“Neither did I!”

“Neither you? My good God, please Violet. Go away. I’m tired of listening you saying just shit and trying to be a good girl who is in love. Get out.” – Brian got up of the couch, leaning to the coffee table, putting out his cigarette in the ashtray, then walking very fast towards the door and opened it to me. Honestly, I didn’t know what to say neither what to think. I was completely surrendered about my thoughts and what I was doing there. I tried to understand why Brian was doing that with me. I understood on one hand… I could do more. If I hadn’t given up on Jimmy, if I still looking for him, maybe I was with him early than I am. But, on other hand, why did Brian hate me so much? Just because I used drugs? Okay, I know it’s a good reason to hate me. I hate myself because of that but he isn’t the right person to point me a finger about this. He accused me like I was the responsible to what Jimmy does or did in the past or like if who influenced Jimmy to take drugs was me. I looked behind at him and he was holding the door waiting for me to leave the house. I took my stuff and walked towards the door.

“I know you won’t leave Jimmy…” – he said, grabbing my arm. – “… but I hope you tell him all what we both know.”

“Don’t worry with that.” – I said, shaking my arm for him to leave me but he grabbed it again and pulled me close to him. For a few moments, he didn’t say a word. He just looked at me. I began to feel very nervous and I could do anything to defend myself. His eyes were fixing mine and he was biting his bottom lip. Suddenly, he pushed me out of his house and slammed the door with all the strength he had. I almost fell on the floor but fortunately I felt someone holding me. I looked up to see who was helping me and I saw a blonde girl, very pretty and her face was familiar to me. I stared at her and when she smiled at me, I could identify her. It was Michelle, Brian's girlfriend.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, thanks to you, I’m great. Thank you.”

“Wait. I know you. You’re Violet, Jimmy’s girlfriend.”

“Yeah. You’re Michelle, right? Brian’s… girlfriend…”

“You can call me Chelle. What are you doing here? Did you come with Jimmy? And… why did you almost fall on the floor? It seems someone push you.” – Well, I had a big problem in hands. I couldn’t tell Michelle what happened between Brian and me. I couldn’t tell her I went here to talk alone with Brian neither he pushed me away from his house. So, I stood looking at her, waiting the words coming out of my mouth and waiting for a brilliant idea. – “Violet? Do you need something? Suddenly, you became pale.”

“No, no, I’m okay… I just need… I have to go, okay? Jimmy’s waiting for me.” – I hugged her and started walking very fast towards nowhere.

“But, Violet, wait! Do you need a ride?”

“No, thanks!”

I kept walking along the streets, trying remembering the way to Jimmy’s house. I never felt so humiliated like that moment. I began to feel a big grip in my chest and in my throat as if a rope that was slowly being tighter. My eyes grew heavy and it wasn't long until tears ran from my face. I kept walking and walking until I realized I was lost. I was in the middle of a street just with big residences. There wasn’t anyone there and all I could do was to call to Jimmy. I took my bag and looked for my phone. Unbelievably, when you really need something in your bag, you find everything less what you looking for. I took all my stuff out of the bag to find my phone while I was fighting back tears. When I found it, it seemed Jimmy had read my mind and he was calling me at the exact moment I was going to call him.

“Hi, babe.”

“Vi? Where are you? I woke up an hour ago and I’m waiting for almost half an hour. What is happening?”

“Jim… I need you…”

“Baby, can you tell me what’s going on? Where are you? Where have you been all this time?”

“I’m lost… I went to Brian’s house but now I’m lost…”

“Brian’s house? What were you doing the- Did you walk too far of there?”

“A little. I’m in a street with lots of residences. Huge residences.”

“There’s a red house there, right?”

“Yeah, a big one.”

“Wait there for me.” – Some minutes later, Jimmy was already there. He parked the car, got up of it very quickly and ran towards me. I tried not to cry but all that pain and humiliation was greater than all the rest. I hugged him tightly, hiding my face on his chest. Jimmy didn't even a question about what was happening. He just took me to the car and went home.

Arriving there, I went towards the couch and sat there while Jimmy walked very slowly towards me, stirring the car keys expressing his nerves. Jimmy was that kind of people who didn't force people to talk when they weren't ready for it. He waited until the right moment to find that he could try to realize what had happened. He was stopping near the couch, staring at me. I couldn't look at him at that moment. I didn't know how to tell him the whole truth. I didn't know how I would justify the fact that I have hidden I had gone to Brian's house. I didn't know how to tell him how Brian was violent with me. Well... I thought for a moment that I shouldn't tell him this part but... one of the things that Jimmy and I promised to each other was never hide things from each other and I had already broken that promise once. After a few long minutes, Jimmy sat beside me, putting his arm around my shoulders and giving me a kiss on the forehead.

“I never saw you like this…”

“I know. I would prefer that you didn’t have reason to see me like this.”

“Why are you saying this?”

“Jimmy, I have something very serious to tell you. About my past.”

“Violet, if it's something that has nothing to do with me, I'd rather not know. It’s everything okay!”

“No, it has nothing to do with you but I need to tell you this. We never had secrets, Jimmy. I didn't want none of this had happened but I have to tell it to you.”

“You and Brian…”

“Hell no. Never ever! Even if he were the last man on this planet.”

“Why are you saying this? Why did Brian hate you so much? Why did you two hate each other so much?”

“I can have an idea why Brian hate me… it’s because of that I need to tell you this.”

“Jesus, Vi. You’re worrying me. What happened?”

“Yesterday, when Brian came here, he asked me to go to his house today because he knew something about me. I tried to ignoring him but… I know his your best friend and the last thing I want is break with your friendship with him.”

“Was he gross with you?” – I stopped talking for a few moments. I couldn’t tell Jimmy what Brian did to me. I knew Jimmy was freaking out with him and I didn't want them to discuss because of me. So I decided to protect Brian.

“He didn't what he did on purpose, Jim. He wants to protect you.”

“Please, tell me what he did to you.”

“Nothing in special, Jimmy. If I was on his place, maybe I did the same… or worst. He just accused me I don’t love you enough because if I loved you so much as I say, I had to looking for you till the end. I hadn’t given up on you. And… he was a little… He…”

“Violet, what did he does to you? Don’t hide me things!”

“I’m not hiding anything, Jim. He kicked me out of his house. Just that. But then Michelle came up and… she helped me.”

“I need to talk to him but now I need to know what made Brian acted like this.”
“It’s not easy…”

“I know babygirl but… please… tell me. Maybe knowing it, I’ll understand Brian.”

“Brian had a cousin or a friend who knows me. When I no longer received your letters, I started using drugs.”

“I had already suspected.”

“It’s something I’m not proud. I feel ashamed to tell you this. You always saw me as a perfect woman and now I know I disappointed you. I know you-” - I couldn't say anything more. Jimmy grabbed my face with his hands and approached me. I looked into his blue eyes that were now flooded with tears and with a deep sadness. I knew he was very disappointed with me but I also knew he would do everything to hide it. I've never been a holy but one of the things which did Jimmy fall in love for me was the fact that I know how to control at the right times. I wasn't a person of extremes. I never was. Rather it, Jimmy was always a person of extremes and I was the pillar of him for everything. I could give him a hand at the right time and he always trusted me. He knew I'd never let him go too far and I would never go through these paths. I also believed on it. But as I was the pillar of Jimmy, he was my pillar. And his absence made ​​me lose that self-control and go to these paths which I avoided him to go.

“I’m not happy with that, babygirl. I can’t lie to you. But… I understand you. You’ve always been strong. You are a strong woman who faces the situations never giving up on anything. But I also know it wasn't easy handling this situation. I also often felt weak. I gave up too many times. And traveled this road many many times and also I'm not proud of it because you always tried to make me not choose this path. But I needed something stronger than me and you weren’t with me. I needed you like you needed me. Both of us were weak. But that's over. We are together again and it won't that which will separate us again. Neither it nor anyone. But… you said Brian knew someone who knew you too.”

“Yeah… A friend of him was in London too. Niko. I knew him. He was friend of Paul, the drug dealer. He used us to sell drugs… when you stopped receiving my letters, Brian spoke with Niko to know if he knew me. Niko told him I was selling and using drugs and Brian didn't say anything to you for you don't get even more disappointed than you were.”

“Okay… first of all: did you sell drugs? Second: did Brian know everything about you and never told me anything?”

“I’m still trying to understand why I accepted to sell drugs. Easy money, I don’t know. And about Brian… he wanted to protect you. He’s still trying to protect you even in a bad way but...”

“Fuck this shit! I love you both anyway.” – Jimmy jumped from the couch and pushed me with him. We got up of the couch and he hugged me tightly giving me a big kiss on my lips. We stood like that for some minutes and then his lips run for my cheek. – “You’re perfect anyway, you know that.”

“Brian doesn’t think the same.”

“Don’t worry with him. He loves you. And I tell you more: if ever anything happens to me, I would like you two get together.”

“What? Are you crazy? Brian and I?”

“Believe me. He’s my best friend ever. You’re the woman of my life and also my best ‘girlfriend’. And you guys have a lot in common. I think I fell in love for you because you are the female version of Brian.”

“Female version of Brian? You already called me lots of things but… female version of Brian?”

“What? Brian is a very beautiful guy.”

“You’re more beautiful than him.”

“Am I?”

“More beautiful, more talent, sexier, crazier…”

“Show me you’re telling me the truth.”

“Brian isn’t here so I can’t tell you anything.”

“Are you suggesting me to make a ménage?”

“GOD! No!”

“Actually, it’s an awesome idea!”

“No, no, no. Forget what I said.”

“You know I like these kind of adventures.”

“I know, Jimmy. I know. But you could choose another person, right?”

“I love Brian. He’s my best friend and I just can share you with him.”

“Okay, never mind. I’ll prove you I don’t need Brian here for anything.”

“Hmm… I liked that tone!” - I grabbed Jimmy's hand and contrary to what he was waiting for, I took him into the kitchen. I knew I didn't eat anything yet because he couldn't eat until to know what was going on with me and also because he respects me and he couldn't take the breakfast without me. So, I prepare a rich breakfast to us and then we went to take a walk towards the beach to relax a bit.

The next day, Monday, Jimmy and I had to wake up early. I had to go to the University to continue my research and to chat with Bea about what had happening in the last days and Jimmy went to another day of rehearsals to prepare for the tour. That day, I could advance all my tasks and then I decided to go to the studio where the band was rehearsing. Getting there, I saw Val and Michelle sitting on a couch. Val was reading a book while Michelle was staring at Brian. She watched his every move, every gesture. Admired every laugh, every word he spoke, every note played on his guitar. In a few seconds, I could see how much she was in love with him. Looking at her, it's as if I were seeing me when I looked at Jimmy committed to do his best, or in a conversation, or with a simple joke. I approached them and when they realized I was there, stood up and greeted me. I sat next them and Jason noticed I was there and quickly he hugged Jimmy and turned him to look at me. Jimmy showed me a huge smile and left the room, running towards me and hugged me.

“What are you doing here, baby?”

“Oh! Good way to greet me.”

“Oh, babygirl, you know I’m happy to have you here! I just wasn’t expecting you to come up here.”

“I know, Jim!” – I put my hands around his neck and gave him a passionate kiss and then he held me again. I closed my eyes for seconds to feel all his body next to mine. Every time Jimmy hugged me, I felt an unexplainable happiness and it was as if I was still living a dream. But when I opened my eyes, they found Brian's ones. He was looking at us with a very weird look and that bothered me. I felt some anger in his eyes as if he hadn't given up. Give up for what I still couldn't understand. His eyes never left mine and it was me who divert the gaze. I could see through the corner of my eye that Michelle had also attended the scene and it wouldn't let me happy. She got up from the couch and walked over Brian. I looked at Jimmy and fortunately I forgot what had happened seconds ago.

“I love you, Sullivan.”

“I love you more, Miss Prescott. Now, I have to go. Tour will start next week and…”

“I take care of her, Jimmy. Don’t worry.” – Val said, smiling and holding my hand while closed the book and put it over her legs.

“Take care of her like she is your own daughter.”

“I will.”

Jimmy gave me a kiss on my forehead and returned to the room where the guys were. We could see them because we had a hall with a big glass on it. I sat next to Val and Michelle approached us with a sad look. She looked at me and I quickly looked at my lap. I did it unconsciously. Perhaps by weight of conscience. I knew why she was sad. I realized Brian was avoiding her and I thought it was because of me, not even knowing exactly why. She sat next to me, getting me in the middle of the twin sisters. Val leaned forward to get a look at her sister.

“Chelle, what’s happening?”

“I don’t know… Maybe I’m just seeing things where I shouldn’t see.”

“What are you talking about?” – Val asked. I looked at Michelle and I showed her a sad smile. I understood her. She looked at me and held my hand. She looked at it for a few moments and then she looked at me again with her eyes full of tears.

“He didn’t hate you, Violet. Believe me, he didn’t hate you.”

“Why did he kick me from his house, like that? Why does he treat me like that, Michelle?”

“You know why, Vi. You just don’t want to see it, but you know why. It’s not only because of Jimmy.”

“Can you tell me what is going on here?” – Michelle and I looked at Val. She was completely confused but, believe me, I was even more. After hearing what Michelle said, I was even more confused than I already was. I didn't know what she meant. Will be because of drugs? Or was there something else I didn't know. Michelle knew something she shouldn't know. Something that Brian was hiding and didn't want to reveal. I went back to look at Michelle waiting for her to say something else to her sister.

“Just look for the way Brian acts when Violet is present.”

“What you mean?” – I said.

“I'm not blaming you for anything, Vi. I like you very much and just look at you and Jimmy to understand how much you guys love each other. But Jimmy isn't the only one who feels something strong for you.”

“No, Chelle. You’re not trying to say Brian is fall in love for Violet, are you?” – Val said, Val said, taking off her glasses, with a very surprised look of who was thinking that Michelle was going crazy. I looked at Val and then at Michelle waiting for some reaction for her. Michelle smiled again looking at her lap and then she looked at Brian.

“Yesterday, when you left, I came into his house and… He was breaking everything. He was taking everything that was over the living room's furniture. I approached him slowly because I noticed how nervous he was. I put my hand on his shoulder and he looked at me with a look I had never seen on him. He took a deep breath and apologize me. He walked up the stairs, looked at me and ran up to his room. I didn't dare go to him. He wanted to be alone and I respected that. I took all the things that were on the floor and a few minutes later he was back. I shouldn't say this but ... he said your name when I was with him last night... then, he left the bedroom and spent the rest of the night in the living room. This morning was calmer but... when you arrived, the way he looked at you... I'm not upset with you because I know it's not your fault but, Violet ... I'm afraid that this goes any further. I don't want to lose Brian. I love him too much and I fear for you. He’s the best friend of Jimmy...”

"Excuse me, girls. I gotta go." - I couldn't hear another more word. I couldn't be one more second there. I got up, grabbed my things and left the studio. I couldn't be responsible for the demise of the relationship of Brian and Michelle. And, most important of all, I couldn't be responsible for the end of the friendship of Jimmy and Brian.