Never Stop Believing

I was with my boys on the studio preparing one more tour. 2006 was being a great year for us as band and we were sure this would be what would bring us the success we were looking for. I was so fucking happy. I mean, I was more than happy… I was radiant! But there was something which was boring me somehow since Violet’s return: the way Brian was acting with her.

Brian is my best friend for sure. We passed a life together and every time I think about my entire life, Brian is, with no doubts, in all the great moments that sum up my life (with the exception of the moments I lived with Violet).

It was very weird. I found odd his attitudes in the bar when Vi and I met again. For a few moments I thought it was jealousy. Brian was dating with Michelle but it was something very superficial, it didn’t really matter to Brian which was very hard to me, honestly, because both, Valary and Michelle always been important to me. what Brian really wanted right now was went on tour, fuck with some girls, drink some shots, go on the stage and break all that shit with his solos and go back home. Okay, I though in same way it’s true but I know how life is short. I know how all this can disappear in seconds. I had my girl with me and… well, what I’ve really wanted was to settle down and live a new life. I wouldn’t leave my friends behind. I would be with my best friends and with the woman of my life.

But that entire atmosphere was becoming me very confused. I started to notice how Brian was getting bored each time Violet arrive or any time he had to share the same space as her. This really pissed him off. He looked at her with a very anger look and I didn’t understand why but I know my friend and I knew that was more than what he knew about Violet. There was something stronger than that and I didn’t really wanna thing about it. I wanted to believe all that shit would finish and Brian and Violet would be big friends.

“Hey Gates, do you wanna come take a beer after we leave?”

“Sure, Jimmy but… and Violet?”

“I’ll talk to her. She won’t mind, I’m sure.”

“Well, if she doesn’t mind… I’m there!”

“What the hell? You guys are matching to go have a drink and you don't even invite the rest of the guys?”

“Come on, little Johnny Christ! I invite Syn because Val is here, Lacey and Gena are coming and…”

“Michelle is here too.” – Johnny pointed to the couch where the girls were and we all look at there. To my astonishment, Michelle was lying on the shoulder of Val looking very sad and Violet was not there.

“Wow, what’s wrong with Michelle, bro?” – Zacky asked to Brian putting a hand on his shoulder. We all looked at Brian and he just shrugged his shoulders showing that there was minimally cared for her.

“Gates, she loves you, you know that.” – Shadows said, leaning himself over a table, crossing his arms.

“Nobody said she doesn’t love me.”

“So, why are you so fucking worried about her?” – I asked with a sarcastic tone.

“I care about her. I’m just… she's in the period. About that, I can't do anything.”

“Yeah, Gates! Period. Don’t hurt her, okay?” – Shadows said. Every one of us understood something was wrong with Brian. And I saw his distant gaze. I knew he was thinking of something else that we were unaware of. I was getting a little worried about all that indifference of Brian and furthermore, Violet hadn’t returned already.

“Don’t worry. If I’m dating with her it’s because she’s really important to me. Now, let’s work.” - We kept working for one more hour. I was always looking at the window to that couch where Val and Michelle were but Violet didn’t come back. There were Lacey and Gena too but nothing about Violet. I left the studio room and approached to the girls. I felt something was wrong when Val looked at me and she tried to look away.

“Girls, where’s Vi?” – I asked. Michelle got up and looked at me after she took a deep breath.

“She’s fine. I mean, I said something I shouldn't. She certainly felt guilty. I'm sorry, Jimmy.” – Michelle looked at Brian and seeing he continued to avoid her and he didn't even approach her, so she hugged me and said looking me in the eyes. – “I’ll talk to her, okay? I’ll tell her to call you.”

“Okay… I’ll talk with Brian too. There’s something weird here.”

Michelle said goodbye to everybody unless to Brian. One more time, he didn’t give a shit and he was okay with that. I took out my phone of my jeans’ pocket and though twice about to send a message to Violet. I was wondering about to ask her if everything was okay but I trusted Michelle. She would do a good job and I just send her a message saying ‘I love you’. She would understand. Meanwhile, the boy left with their girls and Brian and I went to Johnny’s bar to take a beer. We arrived there, greeted the guys and sat on a table in a corner of the bar so we can be more comfortable. Brian was very excited for everything that was happening. Or rather, he was pretending that everything was fine. So, I decided to play the same game was him.

“This tour will be so fucking great, man.”

“I’m so excited, Sullivan! I can’t wait for that! I’m sure this will be the big jump for us, you know?”

“Yeah! So many years fighting for this ... we'll get it.”

“The most important is our friendship.”

“Sure. It’s our friendship that is doing all this be real!”

“I don't want anything to ruin our friendship, Jimmy. Anything!”

“It won’t happen, Brian.”

“How are you so sure about that?”

“Gates, if everything till now is great, why now things will be different?”

“I don’t know. People come into our lives, change us and we don't even realize that...”

“Violet changed me, it’s true. But the only thing she changed in me was that now I'm not able to fuck with all the bitches that appear ahead.”

“I wasn’t talk about your girlfriend… I mean… I was but…”

“Brian, what’s up? There’s something wrong with you since the day Violet come here.”

“I was talking about me, Jimmy.”

“I’m listening.”

“I changed. I don’t know why. I just… I know how Violet is important for you. I know you don’t care about her past and looking at her, we can’t see she doesn’t touch in drugs for a while. But… Fuck… she annoys me! I’m sorry, bro but she’s really fucking annoys me. First of all, I know now you’ll change your life. I’m sure you wanna marry her, you wanna have a life with her and I confess… I’m feeling a little jealousy about it, you know, for some reasons. She took my best friend out for me…”

“I didn’t leave you, Brian.”

“I know. I know Jimmy. But… you all are moving forward with your lives and I think it's still too early.”

“Maybe you’re right. But, believe me, for me, it’s not too early. I waited so many years to have Violet in my arms again and I felt my life slipping through my fingers all these years. My life will not be as long as I expected, Brian.”

“Don’t fucking say that…” – Brian said, murmuring looking at his beer without courage to look at me.

“You know it’s true, dude. I love her. I love you too. You know you all are my life. My entire love is you, Violet, the band and my family. Without all of you, I wouldn’t be the same Jimmy, you know that.”

“I know, Jimmy. I know…”

“Gates, look at me.” – I said, grabbing his wrist and he looked at me. – “You already said Violet annoys you but… what do you feel about her?”

“What you mean?”

“I've noticed the way you look at her. I’ve also noticed the way you’re avoiding Michelle.”

“It is nothing of what you’re thinking.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No. Hell no.”

“Brian… you can be honest with me and I know Violet's not a girl as those that we are used to have. She awakens something in us that we can't explain. It’s like she hypnotizes us up and we just stayed surrendered at her feet. The way she is as dreamy and speaks of her dreams. The way she looks at us with that shy and rebellious way of being. The way she talks, the way she walks. The amazing way she writes. She transcribes feelings with words which in our day-to-day mean nothing but in her letters mean so fucking much...”

“You’re right… I’m so sorry, bro. but you’re right. She makes me feel something ... something I cannot explain. I feel a huge curiosity about her but I know I cannot figure out what I want to know. Then she annoys me so much because she's something that I can't even dream about. She’s yours, Jimmy, she's yours and I respect that. I have to respect that. But it has been hard to deal with it.”

“Who said you can’t figure out what you wanna know?”

“I don’t understand, Jimmy.”

“You can know her. You’re free to know her. Of course you can’t have her in a physical essay but… if you wanna go out with her sometime… why not? I just want you to understand what's inside your heart, bro. you're very confused and I understand that. I just ask you to look at her as a sister. I know its hard when we feel attracted to someone but in this case Violet is your forbidden fruit because I really love her. But, please, don't forget what I'm telling you now: if I didn't exist, you are who I wanted to take care of Violet.”

“I appreciated that, bro. Thank you. I know me, man. I can’t see a beautiful girl and I lose my mind in seconds. And Violet is so fucking hot!”

“I know!” – The tension between us was gone. We drink one more beer and then we went to my house. I invited Brian to dinner with me and Violet. Maybe it would be the beginning of a great friendship between them. We drove towards my house. We came into the house, talking about the songs of the album and when we arrived towards the living room, we faced with Michelle and Violet talking, sitting on the couch. I noticed Brian’s eyes didn’t see Michelle. They were just looking at my girl. It didn’t bore me for real. I understood Brian and I also understand how Violet was getting uncomfortable anytime Brian looked at her, ie, whenever they were in the same room. Michelle and Violet stood up when we approached them. Michelle walked towards Brian gave him a kiss on his lips and I ran towards Violet. She gave me a lovely hug and then I could control myself and gave her a passionate kiss. I looked at Brian and I noticed how much he hated to attend to that scene.

“It’s everything fine now, Jimmy.”

“Thanks, Michelle. I don’t even wanna know what you talked to each other. Girls!”

“Yeah! Girls stuff, Jim.” – Violet said putting her hands over my shoulder while I put my hand around her waist.

“Violet, I didn’t tell you anything but… I invited Brian to dinner with us and… as Michelle is here, I invite her too.”

“Great! I had invited her before so… perfect! Chelle, do you wanna join with me in the kitchen? It’s obvious we have to cook to these gentlemen!”

“Sure! It will be funny! Come on!” – Michelle held Violet hand and headed for the kitchen. But there was something that Brian had to do. I looked at him and nodding with my head giving him a sign to do what he had to do. When Violet passed near him, he grabbed her arm gently.

“I need… I need to talk to you.” – Violet didn’t say a word and looked at me. I smiled giving her confidence. Michelle grabbed Violet’s hand and crossed her arms slowly, watching the whole scene. She was undoubtedly very worried. She had a terrible fear of losing Brian. So, I approached her, grabbed her hand and led her to the kitchen where we were both listening to the conversation between Brian and Violet. – “It’s better we sit down for a while.”

“What you want, Brian?”

“I wanna apologize, Vi.”

“It’s too late to apologize, Brian.”

“I was an asshole… I understand you don’t want to forgive me but… I can’t explain to you…”

“I want you to explain. Why did you act like that, huh?”

“Because I want to get you in a way that I shouldn’t. You’re Jimmy’s girlfriend. I’m sure you’re a very special girl because I know Jimmy and just a very special girl could make Jimmy giving up on all that shit he lived. I want to meet you. I want to know you and want to be your friend because I know that with you, Jimmy will live the best years of his life.”

“And… what about you said…”

“I don’t know what to say about that because I’m very confused but… I want you. It’s so fucking difficult to look at you and control this huge desire to kiss you. It’s like there something always pushing me to hold you and… oh God, I’m sorry… never mind! Forget what I said. Really, I'm just not used to hearing a no and you really shook me in every way. I'll be able to support this. Friends?”