It's Not All What It Seems...

Gerard and I began the session with a normal greeting. Ever since he’s been in the new room and has been given regular patient privileges, he started smiling a lot more and having this joyful tone in his voice. The other patients know of his reputation so they stand clear of him. Whenever he walks down the hallways, patients (and staff included) steer clear out of his way. Some patients get so terrified of him that they immediately walk the other way if they notice him. Gerard didn’t seem all that affected by it. He has actually never mentioned it to me; I saw it first-hand. When I questioned Gerard about it, he seemed nonchalant about the whole situation. He said it never bothered him because he’s used to it. He never really spends any time with anyone besides me,

“So..” Gerard said as he moved his silver hat across the Monopoly board. “You seem quiet today…”
“Oh… Sorry” I said with a nervous chuckle as I rolled the dice. “6”
“It’s a double” he said as he smiled. “You roll again.”
I moved six spaces up the board and rolled again.
“Oh! Another double!” Gerard said as he laughed. “One more and you go to jail, young lady.”
I laughed and moved my piece once again on the board.
“You owe me $25” Gerard said as he folded his hands and pursed his lips.
I sighed and handed him a $50.
“You always do this to me, Lindsey” he said as he chuckled and handed me $25 back. “Roll again, love.”
I rolled the dice then sighed. “Jail?”
“Jail.” Gerard said as he giggled.
I put my piece in jail and looked up at him.
“You have to wait 3 turns to try to get out.” Gerard said as he smiled.
“I know how to play the game, Gerard.” I said as I stuck my tongue out at him.
“Oh. Sassy.” He said as he folded his arms again and laughed. “You really don’t look like you’re in the mood to play. What’s up?”
“It’s nothing.” I said while watching him put back the money.
“Lindsey.. Tell me.” Gerard persisted as he quickly glanced at me then back at the money.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. I promised I would tell him everything if he would speak. I shook my head at my stupid comment and looked up at him again.
“I told Bert that I’m pregnant”
Immediately Gerard put the money down and looked at me. “….It’s… his?”
I nodded and looked down. “We went to sleep together now… he’s gone. I called him and texted him… He never came into work.” I said as I was trying to stop the tears from swelling in my eyes.
Gerard sighed and put the board game under his bed. He got up, put his hands in his pockets and walked to the window. “Didn’t I warn you about him, Lindsey?”
“Yes, but-”
“Lindsey I told you that you would get hurt! You’re in too fucking deep now!” Gerard yelled as he turned.
Crumbling at the sound of his words rolling off of his tongue, I finally lost it and cried hysterically.
“Bert wanted k-kids!” I screamed as I kept my head down. “W…We didn’t p-plan on th-this!” I sat up and ran my fingers in my hair again. I tried breathing to calm myself but it was only making it worse. I felt like I had a heavy mass in my chest. I couldn’t even speak anymore. I turned to see that Gerard has walked over next to me. I wipe the tears off of my red cheeks and look up.

“…I’m sorry for exploding on ya like that…” Gerard said as he kneeled and lifted my head up.”Listen.. It’s gonna get better.”
I watched a sincere smile sweep across his face. I sighed and looked back down. I just wasn’t in the mood to see… happy. Gerard, once again, traced his finger under my jaw and lifted my head up.

“I can’t see you like.. Th-this, Lindsey.” Gerard said, practically choking on his own words. He swallowed and looked into my eyes. His once smiling, hazel eyes were filled with sadness. “Seeing you ….sad… makes me… sad.” He finished as he sighed and looked down.

“I apologize, Gerard… I just never expected to be in this predicament.” I said as I wiped my eyes again. I sighed and looked at him. “What if Bert never comes back?” I asked as I frowned even more than I already was. “…I can’t parent a child on my own, not after what happened. I’m scarred.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to know what happened.” Gerard asked as he looked up at me. “Come on.” He said as he stood up and grabbed my hands. “Stand.”

Confused, I stood up and looked at him. “…wh-”
“Shhh.” Gerard whispered as he put his finger gently to my lips. He smiled then led me to his bed. He laid down and moved over. “Come on, I only bite a little.”
I smiled slightly and kicked off my heels. I sat next to him, facing him.
“Lay down with me.” Gerard said as he frowned and whimpered.
“….No.” I said as I looked down at my hands.
Gerard sighed then put his hands over mine. “Tell me.”
“Well… I had a daughter.”
“Had?” Gerard said as he looked at me.
I nodded and then looked back down. “I was young and in love. While Astrid was young… About 3... My boyfriend died while in service. Then a few years later, I lost her in a car accident.”
“….Were you driving?”
“No.. I was so busy with school and work to be with her. I regret that the most… However it was her and her babysitter.”
Gerard sighed and looked up. “I don’t know what to say to that… I’ve never went through that. I can’t imagine how you feel. I never even knew. You hide it well.”
I laughed a little and moved my hair out of my face. “It’s been a couple of years… I’ve mourned.”

I could see Gerard seemed tense about this. I went to change the subject until Gerard intervened.
“So… What if Bert doesn’t come back?” Gerard asked as he put his hands behind his head and turned to me. “A…Are you gonna abort it? Put it up for adoption?”
“I’m going to give birth and keep the baby.” I said as I sighed again. “I’m going to have to quit.”
“Quit?!” Gerard bellowed as he jerked up. “You can’t leave me here alone! I’l.. I’ll die in here!”
“Gerard, I can’t be a full time mom and have a full time job.”
“Lindsey, I need you here! Your patients need you!”
“There are plenty of other doctors here Gerard. Please calm-”
“We like you! Lindsey, you have no idea!’ Gerard interrupted as he didn’t move his eyes from mine. “I was ready to kill myself! Then you showed up and showed me that I could be normal again. You’re the one who taught me that this disorder doesn’t define me. I’m Gerard Way… I’m Gerard fuckin’ Way dammit!”
“That’s all true! And it will remain true.” I said as I smiled. “You’ll be the father you told me you wanted to be, or the artist you wanted to be.”
“I.. wanna start a band.” Gerard said as he smiled. “I was talkin’ to that kid, Frank; nice kid by the way, and he said he’s been itchin’ to start a band! He does guitar and… I can sing.”
“See? Look at that!” I said as I smiled. “I’ll be at your first show.”
Gerard smiled and held my hand. “You promise?”
“I promise.” I said as I kept smiling. Gerard leaned in closer and moved my hair from my ear gently with his finger. He leaned in closer to my ear, just as he went to speak; ,my phone rang. I jumped off my bed and ran to my purse. Shaking, I took my purse and dumped it on the floor to find my phone. My purse is so fucking messy. I finally find my phone and look at the screen. My heart dropped, it wasn’t Bert. It was an unknown number.

I sighed and answered my phone. “Hello?”
I heard a long pause. I sighed and went to hang up.
“Lindsey… I’m in jail.”