Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back

Never underestimate your ability to make someone’s life better – even if you never know it – Greg Louganis

Chapter 4

A drive that, in reality, should have taken us about five hours took us around three and a half hours. Then again, this wasn’t a normal reality anymore. There were no cars anywhere, no cops to pull us over for speeding. Just an open road with some zombies walking around every little bit. This was our new reality.

Glenn and I talked a lot. We found stuff to talk about so there was never a really long silence. Daryl, on the other hand, never said a word. Nothing.

I didn’t understand what his problem was. I had, literally, not done anything to him. Was it just because I had been invited into the group? The fact that he was the only holdout in welcoming me? I so badly didn’t want there to be any tension between us, whether he liked it or not, I was invited to the group, and I accepted that invitation. I wasn’t going anywhere.

I leaned forward in my seat, “this is the road! We’re going to turn right in like two minutes.”

Glenn looked at me in the rear-view mirror, “Is there gonna be like, a road or what?”

I nodded, “There’s a little dirt path, but it stops, we’ll have to walk the rest of the way.”

Daryl scoffed, “Yeah, so yer friends can jump down from the trees an’ attack us.”

I tensed up and looked at the side of his head. He didn’t look back at me, “Daryl, lay off.”

Even from my perspective I could tell Daryl rolled his eyes.

“Turn right just past that sign,” I said quietly.

Glenn did as I said, I saw him trying to get my attention in the mirror, but I didn’t look up. I so badly wanted to tell Daryl to fuck off. But I couldn’t. I had just become part of this group. I couldn’t anger someone already. Well, more than I had already angered him, without me doing anything.

Glenn parked the car when we couldn’t go any farther. We got out of the car, went to the trunk to grab some flashlights and started forward. The car that Ryan had brought was still sitting there, hidden between trees.

“There was a full tank of gas in there last time I saw it that night. No one’s touched it, you can siphon the gas from it,” I said to Glenn.

He nodded, “We can do that last when we’re on the way back the car.”

I nodded, “Alright, follow me; the cabin is just a little ways up.”

I went ahead of them and started walking; I had the flashlight pointed straight ahead of me so I could see where I was going. I could see the other two sets of lights from Glenn and Daryl.

I grabbed my gun from my pants and kept it at my side, just in case.

“Here it is,” I called once the cabin came into view.

I walked quickly over to the steps, walked up them and opened the door. I brought my gun up and aimed it; we had to clear the cabin before we could just go through it.

“You good?” Glenn asked me.

I nodded, “I’m good,” I said before stepping inside.

We searched that cabin, there were no zombies inside. It was just a small cabin. Two bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen with a small dining room area attached, and a living room. There was also a little attic area, that’s where Ryan chose to sleep, and that’s where I spent most nights with him.

I went to one of the bedrooms and grabbed some duffle bags that we had, I went into the kitchen and started grabbing the can goods and the dry good and put them in the bag to take back to camp.

“Where are the guns?” Glenn asked coming into the kitchen with me after exploring a little bit.

I zipped up the bag and threw it over my shoulder, “I’ll show you, Ryan had a hiding place for them.”

I walked into the hallway and put the bag next to the door, “Where’s Daryl?” I asked walking into the living room.

“He’s in the one of the bedrooms to see if there’s anything worth bringing with us,” he said.

I nodded and looked at the floorboards, “He pried one of the floorboards up to hide the guns and ammo, in case people came in to steal. This one,” I said walking to a floorboard in the middle of the room.

I pulled my knife out from my pants to pry the floorboard up; once I did I stuck my hand in to grab the bag. I pulled it up, put it beside me and opened it up.

I smiled up at Glenn, “This should do some good,” I said pushing the bag over to him.

Glenn bent down to look inside; he shined his flashlight inside and smiled, “Daryl! Come here!” he called over his shoulder.

His heavy footsteps came from the bedroom through the hallway and over to us, “What?” he asked holding a duffle bag.

“Check this out,” Glenn said pushing the bag to Daryl.

Daryl put his duffle bag down and picked the gun bag up, I saw him smirk only for a moment, he handed the bag to Glenn and looked at me, “Well, yer not a useless as I thought.”

He grabbed his duffle bag and walked out of the room. Glenn stood back up and zipped up the gun bag, “Honestly, that’s the closest you’ll get to nice guy Daryl. So congratulations!”

I smiled and let out a breathy laugh, “Thanks. I’m just gonna go up to the attic and grab my stuff, I think the important thing after that is the gas and then getting the hell outta here.”

Glenn nodded, “Agreed.”

I walked past him, I stuck the knife into my back pocket and grabbed my gun once again, I could hear Daryl going through things in the back bedroom. I went to the middle of the hall, pulled the cord and slowly lowered the attic stairs down. I climbed up and shined the flashlight around. Empty.

I found my duffle bag near the pile of blankets and pillows in the middle of the room where Ryan and I slept. Ryan’s stuff was all still there. Clothes, shoes, everything he had. I went over to my clothes and shoved them into my duffle bag.

I didn’t want to stay in that room any longer than I had to. He hadn’t come back. I knew he hadn’t once I saw the guns were all still there. But I thought maybe...he left them there for me? That could have been an explanation.

But all of his stuff was still here. Nothing had been touched since that night.

Stop, just stop thinking about it. Grab your stuff and get the fuck back down with Glenn. I finished with my stuff and was going to go back down, but I looked back one more time. And I saw his hat there. The one that had ARMY written across it, the one he was wearing the day I first met him. I walked over, took it quickly and shoved that in my bag too. I felt the back of my pants to make sure my gun and knife were still tucked in there. And I went back down.

Daryl and Glenn were waiting by the door, “Ready?” Glenn asked.

I nodded, “Just one second, need a couple more things,” I said turning to the washroom.

Daryl sighed loudly, “Hurry the hell up. We mighta attracted a bunch of walkers driving that damn car up here.”

“I’m going, I’m going,” I said to them as I grabbed the toiletries from the washroom. I zipped up my bag and went to join them.

Glenn smiled a little at me, “Got everything?”

I nodded, “Let’s go.”

“Finally,” Daryl muttered.

He adjusted the crossbow on his shoulder and grabbed most of the bags, I held onto mine as we walked out. Glenn was on alert just in case there was anything outside, but there wasn’t. We all went over to the car, Daryl popped the trunk and Glenn grabbed the hose he was going to use to get the gas from Ryan’s car, and a gas container.

Glenn walked over to Ryan’s car, I went to put my bag into the trunk but Daryl took it from me, “I can do it,” I protested.

“It’s fine, I got it,” he said holding onto the handles.

I let it go and he put it in, “Thanks,” I said with a small smile.

He looked at me for a second before nodding, “Go over there with Glenn, in case he needs anythin.”

It was then I noticed, even in the dark, how blue Daryl’s eyes were.

I nodded and turned to go to Glenn.

“Everything good?” I asked him.

He was just putting the tube into the gas container, and I could hear the gas going into the container, he sighed and smiled, “We’re good,” he said looking up at me.

I smiled at him; he went back to watching the gas container, to make sure it didn’t overflow. I looked back to Daryl; he was reorganizing the trunk so everything would fit.

I walked to the other side of the car and leaned against it, facing the cabin. It wasn’t much, but Ryan had done everything he could to make it feel like home. I knew that none of the others had made it far from the cabin. All of us got out, some faster than others. But...after going through the cabin, I was overcome with the thought that I was honestly the only one who got out alive.

Crack.

I looked over to the right, nothing but woods. I shined my flashlight over there but didn’t see anything.

Crack.

I could still hear the sound of gas filling up the container.

Crack.

Daryl was still moving things around in the trunk of the car.

Crack.

Maybe it was Ryan? Maybe he had been waiting to see if I would come back?

Crack.

I looked behind me, but no one seemed to notice the sound. I walked closer to the woods, keeping my flashlight in front of me.

“Ryan?” I whispered.

Silence. I walked in more; I pulled the knife out of my pocket and got ready.

“Ryan?” I whispered again.

Another crack to my right. I shined my light over there, just trees.

I walked forward some more, I started moving my flashlight from side to side, but there was nothing.

He wasn’t here. He was gone. All of them were gone.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” I whispered. I wiped some of the tears that had fallen from my eyes. I shook my head.

Get it together. You have a new group now; you have to keep it together. I turned around to walk back to Glenn and Daryl.

Maybe fifteen feet in front of me I saw him. I bit my lip to suppress my cry.

It was Micah. I shined my light on him, but I knew it was him. Except it wasn’t him, he was one of the walking dead now.

We stood looking at each other for at least ten seconds, “I’m so sorry, Micah. Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” I said quietly.

Micah had always been a happy guy; he was always telling jokes and telling these crazy stories. He was always trying to keep everyone’s spirits up. He was on vacation from Pennsylvania. Him and his girlfriend Nora. She had turned within the first few days of the outbreak. He was all alone until Ryan found him during one of the runs.

He started walking towards me, I started shaking my head, “Please don’t, Micah. Please,” I whispered.

He kept walking towards me, his mouth was covered in blood I could see that he had been bitten on the neck, his eyes were yellow now.

I couldn’t move away from him. I felt like I was paralyzed. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, it just wasn’t right. He was only a few feet from me, my arms and legs felt like they weighed a million pounds. My flashlight had dropped to the ground along with my knife. I was crying and praying that it would be fast.

Micah stopped and fell to the ground. I was breathing deep and stared at him lying there. I didn’t move, I didn’t look up. But I saw an arrow in the back of his head.

I heard the footsteps coming over to me, “What the hell is the matter with you?” Daryl asked harshly pulling the arrow from Micah’s head.

I didn’t look at him; I just kept staring down at Micah.

“Hey,” Daryl said standing between me and Micah and putting his hands on my shoulders, “what’s wrong with ya?” he shook my shoulders a little.

I finally looked at him, he had what looked like concern on his face, “It was Micah.”

His eyebrows knitted together, “Who?”

“He was a part of my group,” I whispered.

Daryl moved his eyes from me for a moment, “Couldn’t kill him?” he asked looking back at me.

I shook my head, “I’m sorry.”

Daryl’s hands dropped from my shoulders, “Don’t need to say that to me. Least it didn’t get ya. I woulda had to tell Rick where ya went off to.” He turned back around and started walking, “Let’s go, Em. Haven’t got all night.”

In my state of shock, I didn’t even notice that Daryl had called me Em, that’s something that Ryan would call me.

I picked my flashlight and knife up from the ground, when I stood back up and looked down at Micah one last time, “I’m sorry,” I whispered again, before walking away from him.

“Thank-you,” I called up to Daryl.

He stopped and turned his head to the side, “Jus did what you couldn’t, if yer gonna be part of this group, ya need to shoot them, they don’t know ya no more.”

I caught up to him and we started walking together, slowly, “I’ve killed them before, it’s just different when it’s people you know.”

He hiked his crossbow higher on his shoulder, “And what if it’s one of us from the group? Jus gonna let us wander around? No, ya gotta shoot whoever it is in the head. No questions. That’s what I would want.”

“Fine, if you turn, I promise I’ll shoot you in the head,” I said with a small smile as we reached the clearing. I wanted to test my limit a little with him, see if that little joke would make him angry or not.

Daryl snorted, “Don’t worry, Em. I’ll shoot you too,” he said before walking ahead of me to get back to Glenn and the car.

I smiled to myself, maybe he was finally warming up to me.

“You alright?” Glenn asked when I got back to him.

I nodded, “It was someone from the group. I couldn’t do it. Daryl saved me.”

Glenn hugged me suddenly, I hugged back, careful not to stab him with the knife, “As long as you’re safe. You’re part of our group now; we take care of our own,” he pulled away, “Understand?”

I nodded and smiled, “Thank-you.”

He nodded once with a smile, he adjusted his baseball hat and turned around, “Well, let’s go,” he said walking over to the driver’s side.

“Let her drive, I’m going in the back to sleep,” Daryl said opening the back door.

Glenn tossed me the car keys, I caught them in my hand with the flashlight, “You alright to drive?” he asked.

I nodded going to the driver’s side, “Yeah, I’m good.”

He walked over to the passenger’s side, and slid in. Daryl stood by his open door behind the driver’s seat, “Thank-you, again, Daryl.”

He looked at me and nodded once, “Jus don’t kill us on the road, or I woulda saved yer ass for nothing,” he said before sliding into the back seat. He slammed the door shut.

And there was also the possibility that he hadn’t warmed up to me yet, and he really had only saved me so he wouldn’t need to explain to Rick where I was.

I opened the driver’s door and put my knife and flashlight into the middle console; I took my gun from my waistband and put that in the middle console too.

I got in, closed the door and started the car. I reversed and started back the way we came.