Redefine Me, Redesign Me

“You sound chipper,” Alex pointed out over the phone.

Ellie had decided to clean up her house for the first time in a few days because Alex would be coming back for the weekend. Who knew when she would have more time on her hands to do it?

“Chipper? Really?” Ellie asked.

She really hadn’t noticed a change in herself, she’d been much too busy. Work was requiring a bit more than usual since she was heading her own project. Not that she minded. For the first time in a long time Ellie actually felt like she was good at what she was doing.

“You’ve just sounded so down lately,” Alex clarified, “but today you sound kind of giddy.”

Ellie shrugged her shoulders before realizing that, for once, Alex couldn’t see her. “I guess things have been good at work and I don’t really have time to sit around,” she tried putting it in words.

“Well, being busy suits you,” Alex commented.

“You should be happy to know that I cleared my schedule for this weekend and if I didn’t have to go into work for a little while on Friday then I would be picking you up from the airport myself,” Ellie announced as she washed the dishes that had been piling up in the sink for longer than she would like to admit.

“Would you be upset if I told you that some friends of mine wanted to meet up for dinner on Friday night?” Alex asked cautiously.

Ellie wasn’t sure what there was to be cautious about, she didn’t own his time. She did feel a little bit of a twinge of rejection knowing that Alex was going out with his friends, not that he would have a reason to invite her.

“Since when do you ask permission to do what you want?” Ellie asked.

Alex chuckled on the other end, “I’m not asking permission, I’m asking if you wanted to go,” he clarified, “If you don’t I can always cancel.”

Ellie laughed at herself. She wasn’t sure why she always thought the worst in these situations but Alex always seemed to prove her wrong.

“That sounds like fun,” Ellie replied hoping that she didn’t make too much of a fool out of herself.

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Ellie was a little anxious as she drove home. She wasn’t sure if it was from leaving work early when she was such a big part of her project or if it was because Alex would be waiting for her when she got home. Then again it could be because she would be potentially meeting some of Alex’s friends that she hadn’t been introduced to yet, she just hoped that Lisa was going to be there. Ellie would have asked Lisa if she was attending earlier, but she’d barely had five minutes for her break so she could get things done before leaving.

Even if she had gotten the chance to talk to Lisa she would have just wanted to talk about how happy she had been all week. She’d had lunch with her the day before and Lisa couldn’t stop rambling on and on about how different Ellie was lately and how excited she got at the mention of this weekend.
Not that Ellie would deny that this weekend was exciting for her, she hadn’t seen Alex in too long. She didn’t even care how desperate it made her sound to admit it.

She smiled at the sight of Alex’s car in her drive way as she pulled in. She hurriedly gathered her keys and purse before getting out of the car to go find Alex. She didn’t get the chance to open the door before Alex was yanking it open and smiling down at her.

Alex wrapped her in a hug pulling her in the house without bothering to close the door as he held her.
They didn’t say anything, Ellie hadn’t even mumbled a greeting. She couldn’t decide if it made things awkward or if that was just how they were together. He’d been gone too long for her to wrap her head around it.

Ellie took a step back, closing the door and leaning against it. She smiled up at him without a word, she was just glad he was back for a little while.

Alex knew that he might be pushing things too quickly as Ellie adjusted to having him back, but he couldn’t stop himself from closing the space between them again. Ellie didn’t seem to mind as he smirked down at her seeing her biting her lip. His hand found her hips and he pressed her more firmly against the door.

Ellie didn’t miss the way Alex’s eyes darted to her lips and despite how complicated she knew it would make the weekend she reached up gripping a handful of his t-shirt and pulled him down to her level pressing her lips against his.

Alex reacted immediately kissing her back with full force. One of his arms wrapped around her waist bringing her closer to his body while the other cupped her face. He wasn’t sure what brought this on but he wasn’t going to argue.

Ellie took a step away from the door and fumbled with the hem of his shirt lifting it up above his head. Alex was quick to take her shirt off as well so their lips could reattach. They stumbled through the house as Ellie tried to navigate their way to a couch. She pushed him down into a sitting position on the closest couch and he pulled her down into his lap not willing to let her break the kiss so soon.

Ellie chuckled as his fingers fought with the complicated button on her dress pants.

Her phone rang at the same moment that Alex had claimed victory over the damned clasp bringing Ellie back to reality.

She groaned pulling out her phone to see who it was and what they could possibly want. Alex wasn’t giving up so easily, his lips trailed away from her mouth but stayed attached to her skin nonetheless.

It was a text message from Lisa.

She let out a frustrated growl, “Lisa wants me to send her a picture of my outfit for tonight,” she told Alex.

He hummed in acknowledgement against her collar bone but made no move to pull away. His hands traveled up her sides, his fingers tracing the scar that he still had no explanation for. Ellie sighed and just as she was about to attempt to reason with Alex he pressed his lips back to hers. Something about the kiss made her heart race and her mind reel and she couldn’t bring herself to stop it. However, she found that she could certainly encourage it as she pulled him closer tangling her fingers in his hair.

It wasn’t until Ellie heard the knock at the door that she came to her senses and by that time she had even lost her pants. She jumped from Alex’s lap and ran up the stairs leaving any discarded clothing behind her.

“Welcome back,” she called over her shoulder as she bounded up the stairs leaving Alex to answer the door and explain away the mess they had made.

Alex chuckled watching her go before getting up to get the door. He already knew that it was Jack. He’d asked him to pick up his clothes for him because he’d forgotten it when he was home earlier.

Ellie sighed as she looked over her dresses before choosing a simple blue one made of a sheer fabric and pairing it with a belt. She snapped a picture of her in the dress and sent it to Lisa before going to refresh her makeup.

“You never wear blue,” Alex commented leaning on the bathroom doorframe.

Ellie shrugged her shoulders before turning to him finding him wearing a white button down and black dress slacks. She definitely liked Alex dressed up, even if it was bordering casual.

“Did I screw things up down stairs?” Ellie asked hoping that Alex would say no.

He shrugged his shoulders, “It was definitely unexpected but I’m not expecting you to be ready to do this for real,” he clarified motioning between the two of them.

Ellie nodded. She wanted to be ready, she really did. But there was still so much that she wanted to come to terms with first. Still things that he didn’t know about her that she thought he might need to know.

“I’m not complaining though,” he added smirking at her, “Really.” He extended his arm to her ready to escort her out to the car.

Ellie blushed lightly taking his arm and letting him pull her out of the house.

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Dinner had been pleasant enough and Lisa had ended up being there which helped to put Ellie at ease. She hadn’t expected Alex’s friends to be so normal, she just assumed that they were all as insane as he and Jack were.

“They liked you, you know,” Alex pointed out once they were in his car.

Ellie sighed, she wasn’t so sure. She didn’t really feel as though she had hit it off with any of them… it felt like they knew too much about her already while she knew nothing about any of them.

“It’s okay,” she told him, “You don’t have to lie I know it was awkward.”

Alex chuckled and shook his head, “You might have felt awkward but you were definitely the only one.”

Ellie smiled giving Alex a hopeful look. He looked away from the road for only a moment to smile back but that was all it took.

A bright stream of light from the headlights of an oncoming car blinded them both. Tires were screeching horns were honking as the car that had drifted onto the wrong side of the road quickly corrected themselves narrowly missing Alex and Ellie.

Alex’s breathing was heavy and both of his hands were gripping the steering wheel as he calmed himself down.

“Are you alright?” he asked Ellie checking to be sure that she hadn’t freaked out too bad.

Ellie didn’t answer, she was too busy trying to regulate her breathing. The tight feeling in her chest wouldn’t go away and her stomach was doing somersaults leaving her queasy.

It was like it was all happening again. She was back in that car again. Her side felt like it was being ripped open again.

“Pull over,” she demanded through gasps of air.

Alex didn’t know what was happening but he did as he was told pulling into an empty parking lot.

Ellie struggled with her seatbelt having difficulty getting it undone. Her fingers kept fumbling and her hands were so shaky. She felt weak and the dread from that night was filling her heart in exactly the same ways.

Alex was trying to talk to her, trying to calm her down, but he sounded far off and she couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying. He reached over and unbuckled her seat belt hoping that it would help but before he could ask she was opening the door and jumping out.

Once she was out of the confines of the vehicle things started to feel normal again even though she was still having difficulty breathing and her heart was still pounding.

Alex climbed out of the car after her trying to see if she was okay.

“I’m fine,” she wheezed clutching her side hoping that it would help make the pain go away.

Alex ignored her knowing full well by the way she looked that she was far from fine.

“Did you get hurt?” he asked reaching for her side.

“No,” she replied pulling away, “It’s just a cramp.”

Alex didn’t believe her and he stepped forward cupping her face in both of his hands.

“Ellie are you okay, is there anything I can do to help?” he asked searching her face.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Alex’s hands moved from her face so he could wrap his arms around his hugging her to his chest.

“This is enough,” she mumbled into his shirt.

“You really had me scared there,” he told her tightening his grip.

Ellie didn’t say anything. She didn’t want to end up explaining this one. She knew she would only make something up and she didn’t want to lie to Alex. She didn’t want to cover this up anymore, but she didn’t know if she was ready to tell him.

She never thought this would happen again. She hadn’t had a panic attack like that one in a long time, definitely not since she’d been in Baltimore.

“Can we go home now?” she asked after a while still clinging to Alex.

He nodded mumbling an “of course” before helping her back in the car and driving them back to Ellie’s. Once they had gotten inside Ellie took a shower to clear her head. Alex was lying in bed waiting for her when she got out. He gave her a soft smile and took her hand pulling her down into the bed with him. She curled into his side. She was already having difficulty keeping her eyes open. She hadn’t realized how drained the episode had left her.

Alex chuckled seeing her trying to keep herself from nodding off, “Go to sleep, Elle,” he told her kissing her hair, “I’ve got you.”

Ellie tried to mumble protests but Alex was pulling the sheets up around the two of them and rubbing soothing circles into her skin. She wouldn’t have been able to keep herself awake if she had wanted to.