Redefine Me, Redesign Me

The next morning Ellie sighed as she came into consciousness. Maybe today she could actually keep her shit together. She wasn’t sure what was wrong with her yesterday, she hadn’t had a panic attack in ages. She didn’t have to wonder what triggered it, as soon as those headlights blinded her… it was like she had forgotten how to breathe.

She groaned rolling over and opening her eyes. Alex wasn’t next to her anymore.

She pulled herself out of bed and made her way down stairs. She felt heavy and off balanced, yesterday had really thrown her for a loop. Sebastian and Payton ran to her bouncing and calling for attention at her feet.

“I was going to bring breakfast up to you,” Alex said from behind the breakfast bar.

“You’re not supposed to cook, this is supposed to be a break,” Ellie scolded walking into the kitchen and attempting to take over.

Alex chuckled at her and held the spatula in the air too high for her to reach.

“I want to cook, I don’t get to do this on the road,” he argued smiling.

“So what time are you leaving for the venue?” she asked curiously lifting herself up onto the counter top.

“You mean what time are we leaving for the venue,” he corrected her before continuing, “And we leave in just under three hours.”

“And when did I agree to that?” she asked.

He looked up grinning at her, “Would you please,” he moved so that he was standing in front of her hands resting on her thighs, “come with me today?”

Ellie closed her eyes and chuckled. If she wanted to say no she couldn’t possibly look him in the eyes while saying it. Not when he was giving her that look that begged her to do what he wanted.

Alex knew what she was doing and he wouldn’t let her get away with it. If she was allowed to cross boundaries like she did yesterday then so was he, he thought as he gripped her thighs pulling her closer to the edge of the counter and positioning himself between them.

He heard her suck in a shaky breath as his lips ghosted against the soft skin of her neck.

Ellie struggled to keep her thoughts in order. She needed to stay home. She had a reason a moment ago she was sure of it. There was something she had needed to do.

“Please?” he begged in a quiet whisper teeth grazing her earlobe.

And just like that the need to stay home until the show vanished.

“God you are impossible,” she complained leaning away from him.

He smiled pulling her back to him and trailing kisses along her jaw line. Just as his lips were about to land on hers she ducked her head into his shoulder. Alex didn’t even acted bothered by the evasion.

“You know eventually you’ll stop doing that,” he teased kissing the side of her head.

She shrugged doubting his predictions. By the time she was ready to allow the kisses freely he’d already be gone. She was sure of that.

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“You were great,” Ellie complimented as Alex drove them back to her house for his last night home, “Though I think I prefer seeing shows from the crowd. There’s less excitement side stage.”

Alex chuckled taking her hand, “Next time I’ll throw you off stage into the crowd, how’s that?” he asked jokingly.

Ellie nodded her approval, “Sounds much better.”

She was trying her hardest to seem normal for Alex, she didn’t want to ruin his short weekend home any more than she already had. Dwelling on last night’s episode wasn’t going to make it go away.

“Are you excited to go home?” he asked toying with her fingers as he drove.

She sighed deeply. It was a complicated and conflicted feeling.

“I want to see everyone. Mallory and my dad especially. Casey and Brady well Casey’s been different since she joined the town’s social club and Brady has other things on his hands. I’d love to avoid my mom at all costs but I know that isn’t possible,” she cut her ramblings short knowing that Alex wouldn’t recognize names or understand her relationships with them.

“And being home doesn’t interest you at all?” he asked dismayed. He didn’t understand how she felt. He was so connected to his hometown. He couldn’t imagine not being in love with the place.
She shrugged her shoulders, “The people there are wonderful really, well some of them are, but I’m afraid that being there will help give my mom more of a hold on me.”

It wasn’t just her mom that put pressures on her back in Sycamore but Alex wouldn’t understand that and she didn’t want to tell him just yet. And if she was going to start having panic attacks again then there was no telling how far she could slip from the person she is now, back to the one she had once been.

Alex didn’t say anything for a while. He was trying to find the right words so it didn’t come out the wrong way.

“You’re different from when I first met you,” he began.

Ellie looked over to him with curious eyes urging him to continue.

“I mean the morning after the party, of course. You seemed so angry not exactly at me either just in general. You came off as a little bitchy,” he spoke honestly glad to hear her chuckle lightly at the comment rather than get offended, “I understand now that you were trying to push me away or keep me at arm’s length and really I’m glad that you’ve let me in the small amount that you’ve allowed. But I can’t help but think that deep down inside you are the girl that I met at the party that night. Free spirited and sassy. You get closer to being that girl every time I see you, and I hope that my assumptions are true or at the very least not offending you,” he finished his spiel looking over to her for a millisecond, searching for any signs of her reaction.

Ellie didn’t know what to say. She remembered that night. She remembered how straight forward she had been with him. Alex was right she had felt free that night. Dancing with strangers and enjoying herself without thinking about what might happen in the morning. She’d never been social in Sycamore barely making appearances at parties and rarely hitting the bars unless it was to see a performance at Brady’s. Somehow Lisa had convinced her to go and she figured she might as well commit to the party whole heartedly, she’d never been one to half-ass anything.

Thinking back on it now she realized that she missed that feeling. She wanted to feel that free again.

Ellie knew that while she wasn’t aware of it that night she was very glad she met Alex. After all he had played some sort of role in who she was today.

“I’m not offended,” she mumbled after a while, “but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m afraid I’ll lose every bit of progress I’ve made here when I go back.”

Alex squeezed her hand glad that she was taking it well but also trying to reassure her.

“You won’t,” he replied, “You’re so much stronger now.”

Ellie wasn’t sure what gave him that idea but she wasn’t going to argue with it. Maybe he saw something in her that was invisible to her, she hoped that was the case.

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Ellie looked over Alex’s shoulder to the van that the rest of the guys were patiently waiting in to take them back to the tour bus. Jack was making kissy faces in hers and Alex’s direction making her blush. Alex saw her eyes turn from the bus and the pink heat on her cheeks, he turned back to the bus catching Jack in the act.

“I should have known better than to tell Jack,” Alex said chuckling and shaking his head as he turned back to Ellie.

She shrugged, “He’s your best friend,” she reasoned, “It’s not like I don’t tell Lisa.”

Alex sighed deeply, “Yeah I know you do,” he replied making Ellie chuckle.

She knew that Lisa bugged him for more details than what Ellie, herself, would give her.

“Alex move your ass!” the guy in the front passenger seat of the van, she had been introduced to him as Flyzick, called out the window.

Alex waved him off before wrapping Ellie in a hug and kissing her temple.

“Two more weeks will go by really quickly,” he promised her before letting her go.

“Yeah sort of like these past two weeks went by,” Ellie replied sarcastically.

Alex frowned and narrowed his eyes at her playfully, “Have fun with your family this week,” he teased.

“Get out of here, you menace,” She playfully grumbled shoving him towards the van.

He laughed stealing a quick kiss from her lips before running to the van.

Ellie sighed watching Alex climb into the van as her lips tingled. Alex waved enthusiastically through the window making her laugh and wave back. That stupid boy was pushing her to her limits but she couldn’t even think of pushing him away now.

The van pulled away and Ellie went back into her house to get the dogs ready to go to Lisa’s.

She had made her piece with going home now. Ellie knew that she wasn’t the same person she had been before, she realized that she was mostly dreading telling her dad about the panic attack. There was no way she could keep the episode from him, he knew her too well. Maybe talking about it would help, she didn’t know but the only way to find out is to go home and see for herself.

As she loaded the dogs into her car she promised herself that she wouldn’t think about it anymore than she had to. And she stuck to her promise for the most part on the ride to Lisa’s.

“How was your weekend?” Lisa asked raising her eyebrows suggestively as soon as she opened the door for Ellie.

Ellie laughed relieved to have a friend like Lisa to take her mind off things.

“Better than what my week will be,” she joked making Lisa laugh as well.

Lisa didn’t know much about Ellie’s family issues and she didn’t press her to tell either, which suited both of them just fine. Having a drama free friend is something that every girl needs.

“That doesn’t tell me anything,” Lisa pouted jokingly.

Ellie shrugged her shoulders, “We spent as much time at the house as possible.”

Lisa’s eyes grew wide along with her smile. Ellie knew what she was thinking before she even got the chance to voice it.

“No,” Ellie said pointing a finger at her, “Nothing happened.”

Lisa groaned dramatically gripping Ellie’s shoulders, “You clearly like the guy would you just tell him!”

Ellie rolled her eyes. Lisa was more interested in Ellie’s love life than Ellie was herself. She was constantly cheering Ellie on trying to talk her into telling Alex how she felt.

“I will tell him, just not yet,” Ellie insisted.

She didn’t really feel like telling Lisa that Alex already knew how much she cared about him, but she didn’t want to get into the complicated mess that her “friendship” with Alex had become. And despite how much she trusted Lisa, Ellie just didn’t like going into details about anything concerning Alex.

“Good because the two of you were made for each other,” Lisa gushed before going off on a tangent about how happy the two of them would be together.

Ellie eventually coaxed Lisa over to her couch so she wouldn’t have to stand as she listened to the rant. She was content to sit with Lisa and talk it distracted her mind and kept her busy at the same time.

Tomorrow she wouldn’t be so lucky. She’d be on her way back to Sycamore and there was nothing that could keep her mind from worrying over things that she wished had never happened. Or from wandering back to Alex…

Things had changed between them. She felt it all weekend from the very moment that she saw him in her door way. Ellie was more attached to Alex than ever. How much longer was she going to be able to keep him at arm’s length? How much longer could she want to?