Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

I stormed out of the school at the end of the day. Raven was a joke. 'Best Friends Forever' my ass. The minute something, someone better came along was the absolute scum of dirt. She reprimanded the town for being to un-accepting, when she couldn't accept the truth. I felt someone tug on my hand. I turned to find Susan staring sadly up into my eyes. My gaze softened and I held onto her waist. She sighed and leaned into my chest. Her cheer leading friends giggled and cooed. They left us whispering in each others ears. I saw Susan smile and I frowned slightly; she still was one of them. She liked Raven, she was slightly broken, but she was still Susan.
It hit me then, Susan was still a person, she still had feelings although she was slightly irritating, slightly broken; everyone had secrets. I rubbed her back and watched as Joshua, Raven, Jason and Massie walked by with disgusted expressions on their face. They laughed as Jason said something, glancing at me. I felt my chest twinge in hurt. Raven; she was gone. Our amazing friendship had left, evaporated into a puff of smoke. My eyes felt wet once again. I cursed myself for crying so much, for caring so much.
I lowered my face into Susan s blonde soft hair. She looked up at me. "She thinks its a joke doesn't she?"
I looked away and nodded. When I looked back at Susan her eyes blazed with anger and hurt. Her lip quivered. "But its not a joke, its not a joke."
I stroked her hair absently minded. I squeezed her hand slightly. "It will work out."
She smiled and walked out of my embrace. As she left she looked at me sadly. "Goodbye Kevin."
I nodded as I realized that she was leaving me as well. I realized that Raven had broken more than just me. She had broken Susan. Susan was usually so ditzy, so sweet, so happy. Raven had ruined that once again. I felt anger storm over my depression; it stomped through my veins and coursed through my body. I clenched my fists slightly and made my mind up to tell Raven what she had done to Susan; what she was doing to me.
I walked as calmly as I could muster to the hut where I assumed her little group would be. I closed my eyes when I stood in front of the huts door. I could here laughing and giggling coming from inside. Suddenly I heard silence. Then the door creaked open in front of my eyes. Raven stood there with her hands on her hips.
"Doesn't this ruin your perfection?"
My eyes were blank and I swallowed. "Susan wasn't joking Raven."
She stared at me blankly. "You mean your, girlfriend, Susan."
My eyes narrowed. "We broke up two days ago."
She rolled her eyes. "Okay, so, she wasn't joking?"
I felt a lump gather in my throat. "You could at least be nicer."
She scoffed. "After she was so mean to me? After how you treated me?"
I bit my lip and looked down at the ground. "Why are you so cold?"
I looked up to see her expression soften slightly. "I don't need you anymore. I loved you Kevin; but you were too perfect. You were so perfect I felt the need to be perfect."
I blinked. "You're more perfect than you could imagine."
She disregarded this and cocked her pink head at me. "Why are you here?"
I felt my fists clench. "I wanted to tell you you're just like them."
Her eyes widened and she blinked slowly. "No, Kevin, I'm not just like you, I don't turn my back on my only friend just because they need to be perfect and their friend isn't just prefect enough for them."
My eyes narrowed. "But that is just what you're doing. I'm no longer good enough."
She stared at me fully in the face. No Kevin, it isn't what I'm doing. Because what I did was give up. Perfection seems to be a priority in your life, and I let you have it. Because your idea of perfection doesn't mix with me. So it wasn't me who let you go, it was you who let me go."
She shut the door in my face and I heard a low murmur of voices. I blinked away tears because she was right. It always seemed to be my fault. She no longer cared for me; why did I still care for her? It was just like Joshua. I sighed and was defeated. My anger had left and I was just tiered now. Yet, I could still feel hate for Raven flare up in my heart. How could she just stop caring? Where had the Raven gone that I loved? Maybe I just didn't know Raven well enough. But how she could be so insensitive, so hypocritical seemed still to faze me.
I walked along the empty sidewalk with my head bowed and my hands shoved into my pockets. I studied the cracked pavement in front of me and wondered what had happened to my ordered life. I heard footsteps behind me and turned my head around. I closed my eyes. I bit my lip; I did anything to pretend I didn't exist. The reverend would have none of it. He pulled my arm once again; leading me to the house.
I silently sobbed in desperation. Not again. Not this. I knew it wasn't worth fighting, he knew I wouldn't fight. He knew me all to well. I shook my hair over my eyes and fought my lungs for a normal breathing pace. I shook and whimpered as I was silently pulled into a musty smelling bedroom. I glanced around the walls and found them covered in band poster's which I didn't even know existed. The closet was slightly open and in it hung dark shirts, skinny black jeans and belts. My eyes widened as I registered this to be Joshua's room. Not this I thought silently, oh please, not this.
The reverend roughly pushed me so my bottom was exposed and I was half on Joshua's bed, half off. I smelt the covers and tears gathered in my eyes. It smelt like him. The reverend grunted and ripped my pants off and down on my ankles. I gulped down my repulsion and prepared myself. After it didn't come for a while I meekly turned around to see the reverend touching his self with eyes closed. I shuddered. A thought hit me. I could escape. I could go now. I scrambled onto the bed and cracked the window open. My pants were around my ankles but as long as I got away.
I felt a burst of cool air hit my face and I smiled slightly. I tried opening the window further however the reverend had grabbed my ankles and was no flipping me over. I felt myself get angry; angry at everything. I closed my eyes and screamed. I felt the reverends fist land roughly on my back. I felt searing pain seep throughout my body. I gasped for breath and suddenly it felt like I couldn't breathe. The reverend smiled with contempt as I lay gasping for breath. He admired his handiwork then roughly pushed my face into the mattress which nearly reeked of Joshua. He whispered in my ear and fondled my bottom.
"Perfection Kevin, perfection. Its all that matters."
I whimpered and tried to resist as he lined himself up. I struggled and kicked. He merely chuckled and proceeded. As he shoved himself inside of me I cried out and buried my head in Joshua's bed, and tried to think of happy thoughts. I was just so tiered of being the reverends play toy; I was so sick of being perfect. I didn't want this anymore. I tried moving away yet he kept fast and I winced at the pain of moving while he was still inside of me. Suddenly the movement stopped. I closed my eyes and prayed that God had some sort of mercy to stop this. Suddenly I heard a burst of yelling. I would have turned but I hurt too much. I closed my eyes.
"WHAT THE FUCK DAD?"
"Son, don't you go lecturing me"
"THAT'S RAPE. RAPE DAD!"
"Leave me alone, I wont tolerate this sort of"
"Don't you dare fucking tell me what or what not to do anymore. Don't you fucking spin another lie around me. Don't you fucking touch him again."
"Go to your room.."
"THIS IS MY ROOM."
There was an awkward pause. I whimpered. I felt gazes on me. I tried hiding in something, but there was nothing to hide in. I heard a shaky voice follow. "Just go Dad, just leave." There was a pause. "GET THE FUCK AWAY!!"
I heard a shuffling out of the room. Someone stomped down the stairs and slammed the front door. I heard a car start and then there was silence. I opened my eyes and rolled over wincing in the process. As I rolled over I was met with Joshua's piercing green eyes. My eyes grew in embarrassment and fear. Immediately I pulled up my pants, with few winces and whimpers. I hobbled away past Joshua. He, however would have none of this. He pulled on my arm and held me in place. He looked directly in my eyes. My eyes shifted down to the floor. I felt dirty, felt used.
He dropped his hand from my arm and let me go after a few minutes of silence. I stumbled along the path towards my house. I entered into a completely silent house. I shrugged the feeling of unease off and limped up to the shower. I felt the cool water wash through and over my body. I felt the water wash through my hair. I felt goose bumps rise on my skin. I felt the hairs all over my body become erect as if to protect me from the unimaginable cold. Too bad the cold had already gotten past my skin. Too bad I could never be warmed up.
I shivered and stepped out of the cold shower. I closed my eyes and shrugged on my pajama pants and a long sleeved shirt on. I was about to step into bed when I heard a knock on the front door. I breathed in deeply and limped down the stairs. I opened the door to see a flushed Joshua. I stared at him blankly. He smiled slightly and that threw me off guard. Wasn't he going to abuse me? He let himself in and I felt myself tense up. He walked around the house silently until he found the lounge room. He took my arm and pulled me after him. He gently sat me on a chair and I looked down at my feet. I wanted him to leave. It was insulting for him to see me like this.
"Look at me Kevin." His voice was gentle.
I continued to look at my feet. This was just another punishment set out in front of me from God. I lightly shook my head. My secret was out. My greatest secret was out. And one of the most important people to me knew it. I began to chew on my lip and thought of countless ways to rid myself of this awkward situation.
"Kevin I know I haven't been the nicest person"
I glanced up at him and then looked down at my feet. "Don't apologize or try to make me feel better. This is what it's always been like; don't pretend you care now."
I heard his breath catch in his throat. "I-I was wrong Kevin."
I looked up at him. "Don't apologize on behalf of your father. I know you hate me. I-I" I choked up at the thought of Raven. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. When I looked back into Joshua's open and slightly shocked eyes and felt the sense of desperation creeping back. The reverend wouldn't be happy about this and I was sure to pay for it some other time.
My eyes filled and I slumped in the chair. My hair fell over my eyes and I couldn't bring myself to look at Joshua. I knew another look at him would make me break down. He was what I had always tried to suppress in my quest of perfection, yet the thought of him was what kept me going. Here he was, trying to apologize to me. I drew my knees up to my chest and lent my forehead on my knees. The soft whisper of silence swirled around us like a curse.
I heard him quietly leave and thanked God, or whatever for the will to do something good. I just hoped he wouldn't go tell anyone else. I hoped he wouldn't bring this up, and I would have to deal with it.
I closed my eyes.
I heard the front door slam and I saw my mother come in the house. It was dark outside. I looked up and quickly wiped my tears. "Hey, busy day?"
She smiled and nodded to me. "Yes, thank you for asking darling."
I nodded and moved to go upstairs. She grabbed my arm and I thought that maybe she would express some concern for my emotional state, however she frowned and looked into my eyes. "You haven't been going to church."
Which was true, but I had a good reason. Every time I saw the reverends smirking face, every time I saw his hands the only thing I could think of was what he did to me. Not only physically, not only mentally but also what he did to my world. He turned it upside down. He placed it into a washing machine and jumbled it up. Now with Joshua knowing, this world he created for me would become even more abnormal, even more unfamiliar.
I smiled meekly at my mother. "I have a lot of homework."
She pursed her lips and nodded. "Just make the right decisions."
As she left me standing all I could think was; what if I wasn't the one making the decisions? What if it was someone else who just couldn't seem to get over some sort of fetish, some sort of quest for perfection.