Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

Joshua POV

I watched him walk away and once his back was turned I took my fist and hit the tree behind me. Pain seared through my knuckles and up my arm. I let it limply fall by my side. I glanced at my knuckles and saw that they were raw and one was bleeding. I sighed slightly and looked down at my tattered and dirty shoes. Two fucking days ago had I walked in on my dad raping Kevin. If-If I had known. I guess its not fair to start being nice to him because his life is pretty fucked up. I suppose he was right. But, I wanted to fix him.
I wanted so bad to fix him. That day what I had seen, not only did it want to make me throw up, but it wanted to make me cry in desperation of not stopping it earlier. Now, if you would know me, I don't cry. I gave up on that a long time; it just wasn't worth it. And if you know me, I don't play superman, so, those that know me; would be fucking surprised. I know I'm an asshole. But I have to be to survive.
This then brings me back to Kevin because he isn't an asshole. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself. I looked around at the sun weakly shining on the trees. The trees had a sort of golden glow which caused them to look magical. I smiled faintly and got up to find Raven as Kevin obviously didn't want me near him. But I wasn't going to give in, no, not now. He wanted me. I could tell. I felt like I had to give something back to him because of what my dad did, I felt like I had to make it up to him somehow. After all, the same blood was coursing through my veins. At the thought of that I shuddered.
It also didn't help that Kevin was the prettiest boy Ive ever seen. It didn't help that I wanted to kiss him on every part of his body and that way heal him. It didn't help that I had a slight crush on him. Which is why I had always been so cold to him, because, imagine having a crush on the most popular guy in school who also has a pretty girlfriend. So, by blocking out my emotions for him; I was safe from him.
I wandered around the school and finally found Raven. I plopped myself down next to her and pulled my knees up under my chin and watched the activity of Raven and her two crazy friends. Jason and Massie were flinging random bits of grass and paper at each other shrieking loudly and drawing the attention of countless goody Christians. Raven slid up next to me with a smile on her face. She poked my in the ribs idly.
I glared at her and poked her back. She giggled evilly and began to tickle me. I looked at her with raised eyebrows. "You know I'm not ticklish."
She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Buzz kill."
I smirked and began to tickle her. She shrieked and squirmed away. A cute smile was placed on her lips and she pouted. "No fair."
I smiled and tugged on her jagged pink hair. She sighed and glared at me. Suddenly she leaned over and grabbed my arm, pulling me closer to her.
She whispered in my ear, "You like Kevin."
I stared at her blankly. "And?"
"I thought you hated him." She raised her eyebrow.
I smiled. "Well I hate what he stands for. But not him."
Her mouth formed a perfect O. "And all the times I yelled at you because of him?"
I blushed faintly. She giggled and then sobered. "He's going to break your heart."
I frowned. "That's what I always told you."
She nodded. "And you were right."
I shook my head and peered at her through my hair. I was wrong. "His heart is already broken Raven, by more people than just you. I plan to claim it."
She looked at me with a furrowed brow. "You can't have everything."
I rolled my eyes. "I don't want everything; I want Kevin."
The bell rang and I got up from were I was sitting with Raven, Jason and Massie and walked to my locker. I opened it with ease and ignored the hateful glances I was receiving. I was used to it; I honestly didn't care. I walked into the classroom a few minutes late and saw Kevin, his cousin and his girlfriend sitting in the back. His girlfriend and his cousin were sitting next to each other; speaking in low voices. I walked slowly to Kevin's desk and tapped my finger in front of his face.
"Can I sit here?"
He wouldn't look at me but he nodded ever so slightly and gulped. I slid in the seat next to him and looked over at him. His hair was black. I noticed it before; but now since I was only able to see his hair, did I decide to comment. "I like your hair."
I heard the low chatter from his cousin and his girlfriend stop. His cousin smiled faintly and his girlfriend whispered something in her ear. She smiled and looked away. I nudged Kevin and he looked up at me before quickly bowing his head. "Thank you", he whispered.
I sighed. Why was he all of a sudden so shy to me? Usually he would be curt and then look away. I know it had to do something with the whole my dad thing, but, he shouldn't be ashamed of that or anything. I bit my lip and concentrated on the teacher for about a moment. After about a minute of concentration I leaned over to Kevin and whispered in his ear. "What's your cousins name?"
I purposely breathed down his neck. I felt him shudder and he wrote down on the paper in front of him Miley. I nodded and pulled away. Damn it, I silently cursed, I want him. Miley looked over to me and bit her lip. I ignored her. Yeah, I come off as a bitchy person. But really, it's that I hate people judging me for who I really am. I would rather them judge me for I'm not. It makes no sense, not even to me; but, I'm past the point of caring.
I looked over to Kevin who was staring intently at the board. I looked down at his arms. Slightly muscled yet thin. His face was pale and drained. His hands were nervously twitching and playing with the pen in front of him. I bit my lip. He was beautiful. He was beautiful but I bet he would look ten times better happy. His now dark hair kept on falling into his grey eyes. His face turned to mine for a split second until once again he looked down on to the desk. I sighed. I was sick of this.
I raised my hand to the teacher. The teacher raised his eyebrows and called on me. I cleared my throat. "I need to go see my dad."
The teacher rolled his eyes and shook his head. I imitated frustration. "I need to bring Kevin, its some joint prayer thing!"
Kevin's pretty eyes were wide. I winked at him and then stared at the teacher with a defiant look. The teacher, whose eye brows were raised nodded with a skeptical look. I grabbed on Kevin's arm and pulled him along and into the boys bathrooms. He stared at me in the face for the first time. "Why are you doing this?"
I smiled. "Doing what?"
His expression was completely innocent. "Caring."
I stopped smiling and looked at him. He had already looked away and was now slumped against the cheap white bathroom wall. He looked at me from behind his hair. "I thought you hated me."
Why did this boy always cause my words to stop? My throat closed up and I blinked my eyes a few times. Sure, I knew that was the message I gave off; but, it's the first time I had heard him say the words. I shook my head.
"I don't hate you."
He looked down at his shoes and whispered ever so softly, "I heard you telling Raven you hated me that day I went into the hut."
I silently cursed myself. I was jealous, yes. I'm a jealous person. Not an over the top jealous person but, jealous enough. I dropped in front of Kevin and shook my head. "I didn't mean it."
His face whipped up and he stared angrily into my eyes. They were brimming with tears. "Don't lie to me Joshua. Don't fucking lie to me."
He stared at me for another moment longer and pushed himself off the wall and made a move to leave the bathroom. My eyes narrowed and I grabbed his arm. He tensed at the sight of my narrowed eyes yet, became submissive. I shook my head; a guy shouldn't act like this. His eyes grew large, as if I had just shook my head at him. I smiled.
"I wasn't shaking my head at you."
His eyes froze and he looked like a deer who was about to bolt. I took his arm in my other arm and held hi min place in front of me. "I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to upset you Kevin; I didn't intend it to hurt you."
His stance slumped and then he looked up at me. "Why are you doing this?"
I allowed silence to take place for a moment until I lent in and brought my lips close to his ear. He shuddered yet held fast. I kissed his earlobe tenderly and whispered sweetly into his ear. "Does there have to be a reason?"
I pulled back and busied myself with fixing my dark makeup. He looked at me. I turned to look at him and smiled. When I saw that tears were running down his cheeks I stopped and looked at him.
He looked at me with complete desperation and sighed, "But why?"
With that he left the bathroom. I stopped and stared at the door in which he had just left. What was I doing wrong? How come, this wasn't working? I dug my nails into my palm. This was my fault wasn't it. I knew that he wanted me; call it a gay mans intuition. If I hadn't been such an asshole, if I hadn't been so scared of falling in love, if I had gotten involved with him earlier, then maybe he wouldn't have been to broken by my dad. I was angry at myself, I was angry at my weakness to overcoming my fear of falling in love. I was angry at my bitterness. I shook my head at my self and for the second time today I rammed my fist into an object. I felt something crack, or shatter in my hand. The pain was so intense I crumbled slowly to the floor clutching my hand. I breathed in deeply yet found it hard to breathe. I tried clearing my head yet it seemed to be foggy with pain.
The world swirled in front of me and I closed my eyes to make it stop. When I opened them my head was pounding. I bit my lip and breathed in deeply. I got up from were I was sitting and felt once again the blood rush to my head. I stumbled backwards and tried to gain my bearing. Beads of sweat formed at my forehead and my hair clung to my scalp. Finally the spinning stopped and an intense rush of pain went to my hand. It throbbed and I winced. I stumbled out of the bathroom and into the hallway. A boy who I didn't know, and didn't know me glowered at me and shoved me up against the lockers. I felt my wounded hand hit against the lockers and I felt a new burst of pain. I cried out softly and slid down against the lockers. I sat there breathing heavily. The bell rang and a surge of people rushed out of the classes.
I saw stripes and next to her Kevin. Miley stopped Kevin and they stared at me. I didn't look up just stared at my bleeding knuckles and inflaming wrist. They were pushed away by Raven who was immediately by my side. She knelt next to me.
"What's wrong Josh?"
I took a breath and wouldn't look her in the eyes. "Just get me out of here."