Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

I woke with a start and looked around my room. Joshua's arm was around my waist, my mom was at the door smiling at us. "Hun?" She whispered when she realized I was awake. "Yeah mom?" I gently removed Joshua's arm and walked over to her. "I think you should go turn on the news-all the girls are already watching it."

I nodded and walked to the living room.

As my mom had said, the girls were in there all crowded around the TV with their jaws dropped.

"For your viewers who are just tuning in an old man's body was found last night after the fire-fighters put out the fire. They have specialists working on the case-as or right now they're not sure but they think it was arson. The old man has not been identified yet-we'll tell you as soon as we know anything. Now a word from our sponsors." The TV screen went black and I turned around to see my mom with the remote. "D-do you think it's him?" She asked.

Who? The Reverend? Joshua's father...luck had never liked me enough to kill someone I loathed so I seriously doubted any of this was real.

"Who else could it be?" I just noticed that Jason guy sitting on the couch, holding in chin in his left hand staring at the black TV screen. Raven rubbed my arm with her hand gently, kissed my cheek, and then walked out of the room.

I thought she might be going into my room but I wasn't sure and if she needed to talk to Joshua alone I thought it would be better not to follow her. "You kids hungry?" My mom put on a smile. Sometimes I don't understand how she can do that. Smile when the world may be falling apart.

Joshua and Raven walked out of my room a few minutes later. We were all in the kitchen helping my mom make breakfast. Joshua didn't have a shirt on and his tight pants were unbuttoned and halfway off-you could see his black boxers with neon pink cupcakes on them. I giggled when I saw them. He was scratching his hair and grunted. Raven was staring off into space now sitting next to Jason at the table.

"Hey cutie." Joshua whispered and kissed my cheek. "Joshua, honey, do you want food?" My mom asked my boyfriend. I loved saying that. I loved him. I loved being his. I loved everything about him. "Yes please." Joshua smiled at my mom and sat down next to me. "You sleep alright?" He asked wrapping his fingers through mine. I nodded and looked at the counter. Had no one told him his dad might be dead? Maybe they had, he helped me so much in a few days and I loved him and I wanted to help him too. "You wanna go on a walk?" I asked quietly. "In a little while." He said back, hugging my waist and putting his chin on my shoulder.

My mom gave everyone food. I looked at mine. The smell made me want to throw up. Joshua looked at me expectantly so I picked up my fork and took a small bite.

Joshua smiled and squeezed my hand before digging into his own plate. I ate all of it and then excused myself. I went to my room, turned on the shower...and threw up.

I flushed the toilet and jumped into the cold shower with all my clothes on.

I sat in the corner and hugged my knees close to my chest trying to make myself as small as possible. The bathroom door opened and Joshua walked in. "Baby!! He ran over to me and jumped under the water. The cold water hitting his bare skin on his back. "OMIGOD!" He yelled and turned it off. He pulled me out of the shower and hugged me, "What are you doing to yourself?" He pushed my wet hair out of my eyes and hugged me. "I can't do it Joshua." I whispered and started crying.

"Can't do what?" He asked back, almost with an urgency. "I can't do everything everybody wants me to do I want to I CAN'T BE PERFECT!" I screamed, sitting up. Why was I always so weak? Why did I always break down? Why was I like this? I should be mad! I should be who I want to be. I shouldn't let people push me around. I pushed Joshua away from me and got up, throwing anything I could get my hands on, slipping my shoes on and running out and away from my house as fast as I could. Why shouldn't I be angry? Everyone was expecting something from me, it was different from each person and they all expected excellence. Maybe I couldn't give them excellence all the time.

I ran as far as I could and collapsed on the ground and started crying again. When I stopped sobbing to look around I realized I was at mine and Raven's pond. Where what seemed like once upon a time long, long ago I had been so happy.

I stayed there, throwing rocks into the water and distinguishing shapes in the clouds for a long time before anyone found me.

"I kinda thought you would be here...but no one would leave me alone until about half an hour ago when I threw my own fit." I looked up at Raven and grinned a little. "Break anything?" I asked, she sat next to me, "Your boyfriend, hope you don't mind." She picked up a rock and played with in her fingers.

"Nah, he's tough." She smiled and threw it. "You know...I've never seen you mad." She said after the rock had surely sunk all the way to the bottom.

"Yeah well I'm so sick of everyone thinking I don't get mad or have emotions that I'm fucking perfect." I threw a rock at far I could, it went right over the pond and landed in a tree on the other side.

After another long, but not awkward, silence Raven looked at me, "Do you think it was him?" She whispered. I looked at her, searching for what she wanted me to say. He was evil and he was perverted but he was her uncle and he was her family-he was basically the only person that would take her in after she ran away and proved herself to be a problem

"I don't know." I finally said even though most of me believed, wanted to believe that he had died in his own hell. His match lit hell. It was nothing less then what he deserved.

"You know, Joshua thinks you're mad at him." She changed the subject again. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately. Not wanting to dwell on one thing at a time.

"Oh." It was all I could manage. What was I supposed to say? "I'm sorry?" Or maybe, "Oops." Maybe even, "Uh-oh."

I wanted to tell her how I felt, I wanted her to understand-the girl who I loved more then I loved people in my family (except maybe Miley) the girl who I loved more then anyone else (except maybe Joshua) the girl who was invincible to insults and stares, imperfections and not fitting in. "You're not perfect and that's why I love you." She whispered, stood up, dusted herself off and started walking away. It was already getting pretty late. Not like getting dark late but around two at least.

I got up and ran after her. "You wanna skip?" She looked up at me, excitedly with all traces of the serious Raven out of her system. It was like nothing was wrong in her life, she was like a little kid-she could bounce back from any fall or un-fair play that life threw at her.

"Sure." I said and suddenly my hand was in her and we were skipping at top speed to the church.

"I FOUND HIM!" She threw open the door. The room was empty except Miley and Joshua sitting on the stage. Joshua ran over and hugged me. "This isn't your fault! It's mine I'm so sorry I understand just please tell me it wasn't something I did was it? Do you hate me? Can we talk?" He was talking so fast I'm surprised I understood him. "No, it's nothing you did." I said when he stopped to breathe. He took in another deep breath and hugged me again. "I love you so much I thought you were going to hurt yourself over this."

Over what?

"My dad's dead." He finally whispered and watched my face for signs of any change in expression. The only thing that happened, I'm assuming, would be a blank stare. "They identified his body as the man who died in the fire and now they're sure that he was the arsonist who set the fire. He poured gasoline and it lit too fast for him to get out." Joshua was staring deep into my eyes. It was like he could read my thoughts. It was my fault. I knew it was my fault. He wouldn't have set the shack on fire if Joshua hadn't been so protective of me.

"It's not your fault." He repeated over and over to me.

"I know that." I said pushing him away from me. I didn't want to see him like this...he was the boy I thought was so perfect and now breaking down and worrying over me made me a little disgusted-I shouldn't matter this much to anyone.

I walked to the stage and sat next to Miley. I didn't want to feel special or important. I ruined everything. "Hey babeh-cakes." Miley said when I sat down. I didn't say anything. Raven and Joshua were whispering in the back ir the church. He pushed her and came to sit with me and Miley. I heard Raven sigh and walk quickly out of the church.

"Stop PMS-ing." Miley kissed my cheek and walked out as well.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you mad." Joshua looked up at me with his hand stuck in pockets and shrugging his shoulders. I rolled my eyes, I wasn't mad at him. "I'm not mad at you." I said, he sat next to me and hugged me. It felt nice and horrible all at the same time. "I love you." Joshua pulled me closer and kissed my lips as softly as possible. I felt so dirty-I didn't deserve to be treated like that I wanted him to tell me he hated me again, I wanted him to think I was lower then the dirt on the ground-because I didn't deserve this.

"What's wrong with you?!" Joshua pulled away from the kiss and looked at me. I looked down. "Just, I have to go." I got up and ran aw far away from the church as I could, well not really, to my house and up to my room. I sat on the floor and looked at the wall.

I looked at Miley's bed, completely messy and mine completely...well perfect.

There was a small package sitting in the middle of my bed. I got up, walked over to my bed, and sat down, holding the package in my lap.

I slowly pulled the ribbon off and opened the lid. There was a small piece of paper sitting on top of a CD. I pulled it out and unfolded it.
I love you Kevin.

I felt the tears coming down my face. I put the CD into Miley's CD player and pushed play.

"Step back, we all need a little of space, and really can you trust that? And leave it up to me in any other way? Oh we fell, exhale. And now we'll watch the sunrise. Oh yeah, if it's right this control, is golden like the sunlight. Make your move. She fell from the 31st floor and wanting more-oh no one saw her move...isn't that a great surprise? And doesn't that make you-you know you're just so sure of wanting more, but nobody has a clue." I smiled and skipped that song, trying to find one that wasn't so upbeat.

"In a show of hands, who has said these words before? And a show of hearts on the floor-who has ever meant them more? I'll swallow my pride if you'll stay for the years. And watch me spin circles as I disappear. And hearts they don't lie-they just quiver with fear as you say 'tonight we forget everything' and we sing the line 'if I was wrong...then I'm sorry.'" I fell on the floor and started crying harder.

I wonder what cutting my wrist would feel like-Raven did it. I bet it feels nice, like a realize. I got up and took a step toward my bathroom. The song was still playing.

I got into the bathroom and the song changed. "I had a dream last night, we drove up to see Las Vegas. We lost ourselves in the bright lights, I wish you could have seen us." I slammed the door shut.

I found a razor in Miley's make up bag.

I put it to my skin and pushed as hard as I could then pushed it down my wrist. I gasped-it hurt so bad. It felt so good. I watched the blood ooze out and then drip slowly to the ground. I turned on the water in the bathtub and put the plug in, the climbed in when it was full with all my clothes still on. It was cold, I just laughed and sank down into the chilling water. The water was so full it ran over the top The water instantly turned a brownish color from the blood coming out of my arm.

Chills went through my body and I shivered, feeling like I was having a seizure in the cold bath water. I put my arm on the side of the tub and watched it bleed, watched the droplets come off my arm every couple seconds in rapid succession.

Soon the water wasn't brown anymore, it had turned a pinkish red, getting darker with every drop that was dripping from my wound.

It kind of cleared my mind, it made everything in the bathroom sharper and it made my thoughts make more sense or maybe I was imagining things.

Soon it was red like I had predicted and the door downstairs opened and closed. My heart beat increased when the steps got close to my door, they walked into my room. So close to me, so far away; My music got turned down and then the door opened. "Kevin?" Joshua.

Shit.

"You found my C-OMIGOSH!" He yelled when he saw in the red water. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" He screamed running over to me and grabbing my arm, not thinking twice about pulling his shirt off and applying pressure to the cuts.

"Why are you doing this? Kevin, is this-what did I do to make you want to hurt yourself?" Joshua was crying, I wouldn't handle all this, I love him why am I doing this to him? I don't know until about an hour ago it seemed like the right thing to do.

I sat up, out of the freezing water and kissed him. He stopped talking about how all my problems were his fault and kissed me back, I climbed out of the tub-not breaking lip contact for more then half a second until I was sitting on my knees kissing Joshua as hard as I could as he was going somewhere and I might never see him again.

"Wow." Joshua took a deep breath and sat next to me on the floor. "I love you too." I whispered and he smiled. "Please don't do this again." He rubbed his tee shirt that was covering my arm.

"Come on, let's go to sleep." Joshua pulled me up and took me into my room. He ran his hands over my stomach and tugged on my shirt,"First we gotta get your pajamas on though." He whispered, blowing air into my ear. His hands went under my wet shirt and his fingers ran over my bare stomach and made me giggle. "I love it so much. When you do that." Joshua said in between kisses on my neck.

I still couldn't believe it was night time-but it did explain why I was so exhausted.

"What about your pajamas?" I whispered back. He smiled and put my hands on his waist and pulled me closer. He flinched when my cold fingers touched his sides but he still smiled at me. Joshua pulled my shirt off and then we fell onto my bed. The door opened downstairs again. "Heehee, who do you think that is?" Joshua held me close and whispered. A few seconds later my door flew open and Raven skipped in. "Hey sexing boys, OMIGOSH-What happened?!" Raven ran over to Joshua's bloodied shirt that had been littered on our escapade to the bed.

"Kinda busy Michelle." Joshua glared at her, he was really mad because he called her Michelle and not Raven.

"Oh, just make out with your hottie." Raven sat in the corner and opened up an over sized pink book that looked like someone had bedazzled it. I wonder what a book like that even says. "Goodness, you'd think we were some sort of porn making corporation." Joshua whispered and I laughed. Raven looked up,"Make out, not sex-if you're gunna do that I'm leaving." She stared at us then pulled her book back up, Joshua pulled me on top of him, "Ohhh Kevin! OHHHHHHHH" He moaned, I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing so hard I cried. "EWEWEW! MY VIRTUE!" Raven screamed and ran ourt. I laughed and Joshua wrapped his fingers through mine.

"Alone at last." Joshua kissed me again. "Alone at last." I repeated and hugged him. What had I been thinking? I loved this boy. I loved him so much. I wanted him forever.