Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

It's kind of odd that my first enjoyable sexual experience was in the same house as my first molesting had been.

"I'm gunna...take a shower." I said when we got back to my house. Joshua nodded and kissed my cheek. I made my way up to my bathroom and stepped inside, locking the door behind me.

I always knew you would go to hell

I shivered at the memory's voice and turned on the cold water, I didn't bother to undress, I didn't want to see my flesh, the flesh Joshua said he loved, the flesh that Joshua had touched not even an hour ago.

I slipped under the water and let out a soft scream, and then covered my mouth quickly. I didn't know it would be this cold. I remember when I thought cold water was all I deserved, I had been right. I thought of all the oreos I had eaten and had to stumble out of the shower and throw them all up. I stuck my finger as far as I could reach down my throat and suddenly I was throwing up-it was as easy as that.

When I was sure I had gotten everything out of my stomach, because acid started coming up. I crawled back into the shower and started crying. "Kevin?" Someone was knocking on the door. I just ignored them, I was...showering.

Kind of.

"Kevin, are you sick?" It was my mom. "Uhhh...n-n-n-no!" I yelled, stuttering because of the temperature my body was reaching. "I heard you throwing up darling." "What?" Someone new was at the door. I didn't have to see to know it was Joshua.

I should drown myself and go to hell already.

"I'M FINE!" I screamed hoping they would both drop it. "Kevin, I just don't want you to get sick, I have some medicine." Why wouldn't she give up? "I'll take it w-w-w-when I get out." I said cursing my stutters mentally. "Okay..." I could hear her walking away but Joshua was still out there. I heard a click and then the door was open and Joshua was looking at me with the saddest expression I've ever seen. "Kevin what are you doing?" I didn't want his tone to be angry, I didn't want him in here while I pulled myself together from the visit to his house.

"Why did you throw up? You're bulimic now?" He made a noise from disgust and turned off the freezing cold water. "Leave me alone." I whispered and Joshua laughed meanly, picking me up and taking me into my room where Susan was sitting on Miley's bed. Joshua threw me onto my own bed and looked at her, "Can you give us a minute?" She nodded and looked from me to Josh and then got up and left. I was crying. What was he gunna rape me now too?

Was it fucking genetic?

"I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS KEVIN DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" I started shaking and closed my eyes pretending this was all a dream. I would wake up any second now and...and....it would be the day after the church gathering and everything would be back to normal. Everything had to go back to normal now.

"I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOU!" Shut up. Shut up. Shut up! My head was screaming the words and yet not a peep escaped my mouth.

"MY FATHER IS DEAD MY BOYFRIEND IS CRAZY MY COUSIN IS FALLING APART AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING! I CAN'T HELP YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU YOU'RE PERFECT!"

"No, no, no, no!" I cried and looked at him, "I WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU ALL ALONG WASN'T I?! YOU'RE SELF CENTERED AND EGOTISTIC EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK SO KEVIN YOU ARE YOU KNOW WHY?! BECAUSE ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IT WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU! YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME I HAVE TO PLUNGE A NEEDLE IN MY FUCKING ARM EVERY COUPLE OF HOURS OR ELSE I EXPLODE LIKE THIS! I'M A FUCKING DRUG ADDICT YOU KNOW WHY KEVIN?! BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT!"

A sob escaped my mouth. "WE'RE DONE OKAY?? I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT I LOVE YOU I CAN'T PUT UP WITH YOU IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ANYONE KEVIN." He stormed out of my room and as soon as I heard him slam the front door Raven ran in and looked at me. "What the hell just happened?" She asked and I just cried into my pillow. He was right, he was always right. I don't know what I was thinking. Why did I have mess everything up? Why couldn't I just be who I pretended to be?

The next morning I woke up and had no desire to get out of bed and face the day. I didn't want to live anymore. There was no point. Joshua was my life and I pushed over the edge with my little crazy antics. I heard giggling and looked over to the large lump moving around on Miley's bed. My throat burned, my lips were chapped, and my eyes felt like they had been thrown in a dryer.

I coughed and rolled over. Maybe if I slept with my face in my pillow I would suffocate.

Too bad I'm not that lucky. Raven skipped into the room and pushed me over on my side, laying next to me in bed. "Going to school?" She asked and I looked up at her with dead eyes, "Yeah I didn't think so, me either." I would usually smile at the way she asked questions she knew the answer to.

But not today.

Probably not ever again.

"Want some breakfast?" I shook my head and started crying again. I wanted my boyfriend to come back. I wanted Joshua to forgive me. Better yet I wanted to go back in time and have there be nothing wrong with me to be forgiven about.

"Joshua took the bus to the city today." Raven said quietly and I jumped up, my clothes were still a little wet, my hair wasn't brushed, my teeth were dirty, my face was blotted from crying and my shoes ended up being on the wrong feet but I still ran as fast as I could to the bus station. Years of being the football star really ended up paying off.

It looks like, I'm going to the city.