Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

Joshua's POV

Raven was right. In a completely indirect way Kevin broke my heart, and now here I was, on my way to buying my future away. Somewhere deep inside of me I hated Kevin. I know, I know, I love Kevin and he's my best friend, but there was something about the way he seemed like he didn't care about me. I tugged on my hair sharply and knocked my head against the bus window. I also hated myself at the moment.

Kevin had always thought that I was angry at him. I was never angry at him. I was always fucking upset. Yet, for some odd reason it never occurred him to ask me if anything was wrong. Those kinds of people disgust me. Only, Kevin doesn't disgust me, I love him so, so incredibly much. Maybe that's were I went wrong; falling in love with him.

I'm just so damn confused right now.

I really wanted to get high.

I really needed Kevin.

"Fuck." I quietly muttered to myself and got up pulling my sweatshirt close to my body as I stepped out of the bus into the slightly chilled city. I walked quickly down to my dealers little what ever the fuck you want to call it. I knocked on the white door twice and a small boy opened the door for me.

"Uncle Joshua!"

I grinned. "Hey Sammy, how're the hamsters today?"

Sammy smiled widely and grabbed my hand to pull me into the house. He led me through the living room where my dealer was sitting with his wife watching TV. He nodded his head to me and smiled. I grinned. I loved coming to his house. Not only did I get my high, but I also got to become part of the family up to the point where the kids called me uncle. I was shown the hamsters and then wandered back into the living room and slumped into a plush threadbare chair. I flicked my eyes to the screen and quickly lost interest. I rubbed my temples.

Fran, my dealer's wife, spoke up, "What's troubling you sweetheart?"

I closed my eyes for a moment, relishing the smell of stale smoke which hung around the room like a blanket of freshly fallen snow. I opened my eyes and looked sadly at Fran.

"Boy problems."

Fran nodded knowingly. "What did he do this time?"

I sighed. "I just can't handle his problems. They keep on multiplying and it just feels like he's the only one who matters in the relationship. It's hard to explain."

Fran nodded and Charlie, my dealer, turned his attention to me, "Fuck 'em and leave 'em."

I grinned and accepted the cigarette Fran offered me. Fran mock glared at Charlie and he winked at her. I lit my cigarette and my tense muscles immediately seemed to loosen.

"I love him."

Fran patted my hand. "It'll work out."

I shook my head and stared at my burning cigarette. "I broke up with him."

I felt tears gather at my eyes. Fran rubbed my hand. I gulped away the sobs that threatened to escape. Charlie cleared his throat and beckoned me to his bedroom. I got up and weakly smiled to Fran. I stubbed my cigarette on the ashtray and followed Charlie.

Half an hour later I was outside smoking leaning against a random brick walled building. I had my eyes closed and allowed the cold, cold sun to warm my cold, cold body and my cold, cold heart. I heard someone approach me but I ignored them. I heard them stop. I sighed and was prepared to be faced with someone who wanted to clobber me and then run off with everything and then leave me stripped naked and exposed. Instead, when I opened my eyes I stared straight into the face of a very emotionally distraught looking Kevin.

I swallowed thickly.

"What are you doing here?"

He rubbed his running nose and tears tracked down his cheeks. "I followed you."

"Don't"

His hair was rumbled as were his clothes and he, to any one else, would be hideous at the moment, but to me he was beautiful. I felt myself choke up and I was again reminded of how much Kevin had changed me.

"Don't what?"

"Don't beg for me to take you back."

Kevin shuddered. He was trying not to sob. I was trying; I was trying so fucking hard not to let tears fall from my eyes. Kevin moved his hand to touch my arm. I knew that he needed contact from me. He needed to know it was going to be okay.

I closed my eyes and whispered, "Don't Kevin, please."

Kevin shuffled his feet. He was breaking in front of me. I knew I could read him like a book. And I knew that he couldn't read me. I felt dead. I felt like I didn't exist.

"I love you Kevin."

Kevin let out a sob.

"But, you don't love me Kevin."

Kevin looked up at me with angry eyes. "I love you."

I shook my head. His jaw twitched. He whispered, "I love you so much."

"No Kevin, you love the fact that I love you, and that I care about you."

He shook with anger and sadness. "I fucking love you Joshua."

Tears ran down my cheeks. I turned my face away from his. "You're a fucking liar, you know that?"

He bit his lip and whispered, "How can you say I don't love you?"

"You don't care about the fact that every night when I go to sleep I think about slitting my throat. You don't care about the fact that I have never felt like anyone has ever loved me. You don't care Kevin. And don't tell me that you do, because why the fuck am I going out of my way to save you from yourself when I'm dying, when I feel like I'm killing myself, and this fucking pain I'm always feeling hurts so much that I turn to drugs and not my fucking boyfriend because he has to many fucking problems that I can't solve and that just makes me hate myself more. I can't make you happy Kevin."

He stared at me for a moment with parted lips. He looked at me through his hair. "You never told me any of this. I would have listened Joshua, I would have cared. I would have been less of a burden. You never told me."

"Well, Kevin, maybe for one fucking second you could think that I don't want to bring things up because it hurts to much. Didn't you ever think that I want you to ask me, make sure that I'm okay? But no, you fucking didn't Kevin. You never asked me 'babe, are you okay?' instead, 'are you fucking mad at me Joshua' that's all I ever fucking heard! I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH KEVIN. I can not handle your shit. Because you can't handle mine, fuck you don't even care about mine."

Tears ran freely from his face. "I-I-I love you."

He left. I slid down the wall and sat there with my head in between my knees, sobbing, until the sky began to turn dark. I cried myself dry. And at that moment that I realized that I could no longer cry I felt my heart constrict. I couldn't breathe. That's how much I hurt.

I stuck a needle into my arm.

And it was alright.

It was all-fucking-right.

I got on the bus and the bus ride was uneventful. Nothing exciting happened. My expression was expressionless. My eyes were blank, and life was passing me by.

At home my mom was gone. On the fridge there was a note which instructed me to make myself dinner. I threw it out; I wasn't hungry. I trudged upstairs. My house was completely dark. I lay down on my bed. I stared up at my ceiling. Darkness engulfed me. I was alone. I was alone. I was all alone.

Someone please tell me, it's okay to die. It's hard to live; it's so hard to live. All I'm doing is pretending that I'm fine. I was living my own lie, just because I couldn't let people in. I sighed. I'm alright, I'm just fine.

--

I awoke to sunlight streaming through my window. Birds singing. How ironic. I scoffed. I had school today. I was just hoping Kevin was feeling too depressed to go to school. I was hoping that Raven was feeling too depressed to go to school. I hoped I was. However, morning washes away all evil and bad because it's just another sunny day to fuck up. Maybe I was too bitter to go to school.

Mom wouldn't buy that.

I got dressed, got showered, got pretty. I smirked. Damn, I'm pretty.

Immediately without my little angel, I became the bitter self-loathing, Joshua that every one hated and was frightened of. I smirked again. Fuck, this was going to be an A-grade day. Hard exterior an interior of muddy emotional mess. That was me.

I left home glaring at the little birdies singing. Let's go fuck up some Christians.