Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

"Are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?" The Reverend asked quietly while running his hands under my shirt and over my chest. I didn't say anything; I let the tears poor noiselessly out of my eyes.

"Easy then." He whispered against the skin of my neck and then kissed it. I stood completely still just wanting it all to be over. He slipped his hands down to my pants and start taking them off. My body was sending panicking signals to my brain telling it to shut down. I turned it off, I didn't want to have to remember this-if my brain wasn't on then I couldn't remember it.

His hands touched me through my underwear and I whimpered. "I've missed you Kevin." He whispered in my ear before taking his own pants off. His erection was making his underwear stick up and I closed my eyes, I didn't want to remember anything about this.

Go Far Away.
Numb.
Void.

He smacked me,"Pay attention Kevin, this is what happens to sinners!" He informed me. He pushed my body against his over conpensating desk and I bit my tongue to keep me from saying anything, I bit it until the salty, rusty taste of blood was in my mouth. He thrust himself into me and I gripped the desk as hard as I could.

Raven
Joshua
Candy

"You're such a sinner!" The reverend announced with each thrust into my tight hole.

The tears were coming faster now, it was like a constant downpour. God wouldn't do this, if there was a God he would save me. "I bet you're such a little heathen that you like this, don't you heathen?!" He asked. I ignored him, hoping it would be over already. "ANSWER ME YOU SINNER!" He screamed and I felt his nails on my back, pushing hard enough to draw blood.

Faries
Perfect
Help

He started making new scratches when the final thrust came and he blew his load into me. He pulled out, smacked me one more time and put his clothes back on. I just lie on the floor crying my eyes out still.

"Are you going to be a good boy now?" The Reverend came down to my level and put his finger under my chin, lifting it up. I nodded.

Perfect
Perfect
Rav-Perfect.

I sat there for almost an hour as the room got darker and darker, my deepest, darkest, scariest memories flooding back to me. Everything I had worked so hard for-all because I wanted a friend. I didn't need a friend like Raven. She was different. She wasn't what I needed. She was a freak. She wasn't perfect. She wasn't anyone. She was fake. She was stupid. She was a sinner. She was from Satan. She wasn't my best friend forever.

I got up, and put my pants back on, ignoring the dirty feeling that came to me. I wiped my face and ran all the way home. "Honey!" My mom said when I walked in. "Hey mom, sorry I'm late-I went and saw the Reverend." I told her and she smiled, she got up and hugged me,"I'm so proud of you." She said kissing my cheek and walking to her room. I walked up to my room and shut the door and soon as I was in I took the smile off my face and went over to find some clean pajamas.

I went into the bathroom and jumped in the shower. Cold water as always. I let it run over my, making my body feel as numb as I wanted to feel.

I stayed in the shower until the dirty feeling went away. I got out and put my clothes on slowly, looking in the mirror. "You're perfect, act like it." I whispered to the reflection before switching the light off and walking back into my room.

I climbed into bed and closed my eyes.

~*~

I walked over to Susan,"Hey baby." I whispered into her ear before kissing the hollow beneath it softly. She giggled and all of her cheer leading friends looked at us and giggled. "You two are so cute!" One I think named Carlie was named. "I love you." Susan said, turning around in my arms.

"I love you too." I said before kissing her lips gently.

She smiled and then I pulled away. "I have to go but I'll see you at lunch okay?" I asked and she nodded. "I really do love you." I whispered and she nodded sweetly after me.

I ran over to Mike and Ricky and the rest of the football team. I hadn't eaten anything today-finally it was starting to feel right again.

"Kevin!" Ricky said when I joined them, I just grinned and bumped fists with them. "So what's up this weekend?" I asked, already knowing they were planning an away game and church gathering field trip.

They explained the whole thing to me and I agreed as soon as the words were out of their mouth. "KEV!!" I grimaced and said my goodbyes quickly so I could get away from her. I couldn't face her. She's not perfect.

"KEVIN!" She yelled again. I walked into the building and walked to my first class. Oh no, she sits next to me.

When the bell rang I had already resolved to ignore her completely. Or pretend to be sick and go hide in the bathroom.

Ten minutes later I was getting my hall pass signed by the teacher and walking to the bathroom. I locked the door and stood in front of the mirror.

Look at you, you sinner. You're no good. You don't even deserve to be Raven's friend. She's too nice for you, too accepting. Gay? GAY! You're not gay! Think of how much of a sin that is. You just want the Reverand you want him Kevin. You're so perfect?? You're not perfect at all!! You're hideous. I hate you. You're ugly. You're stupid. You're worthless. All these people that idolize you-you don't deserve any of it. You deserve to die.

The voice I had been repressing was screaming at me as I looked at my reflection. I felt like I was really going to be sick. I ran over to the toilet and leaned over it, throwing up all the food I had eaten yesterday for lunch and the juice I had drank this morning.

I sat on the ground, holding my head in my hands. What am I doing to myself? I got up, flushed the toilet and walked back to the sink and washed my face, trying to avoid seeing myself at the same time.

I walked out and walked back to class slowly. I couldn't stay in there anymore and if anyone knew I was 'sick' then I would be sent home and I didn't want to be around my parents. I walked back into the room with a breath mint in my mouth, I wanted to brush my teeth-so they could be perfect again. I sat down in my usual place and logged onto my already turned on computer. "Kevin...are you okay?" Raven leaned over and whispered in my ear. I closed my eyes.

Perfect.

"I'm fine." I said coldly, no trace of any emotion in my voice.

"Are you sure...?" She asked, trying to hide the hurt in her voice. "Leave me alone you freak." I said and she gasped and I turned to my computer. She grabbed her bag and ran out of the room. I ignored Joshua was glaring at me and running out after her.

Everyone smiled at me and I looked at my computer. I had to ignore their pleased looks or I would start crying.

~*~

"RAVEN!" I screamed after her pink hair, she was turning the corner. "RAVEN PLEASE!" I screamed again. She ignored me.

I ran after her, I could catch her-I do play football after all.

"RAVEN!" I screamed, suddenly we were in a long hallway, she was at the end, crying and I couldn't seem to get to her-the hallway kept getting longer and longer. "RAVEN PLEASE I'M SORRY!" I screamed until my throat hurt, hoping she would hear me.

The ground shook and a blinding light was all around me, I fell to the ground with my arms in front of my face. "Kevin, what are you doing?" A booming voice that seemed to come from everything asked me. "I'm...apologizing to my best friend forever." I said -my voice feeling so weak compared to this strangers. "Kevin why were you mean to her in the first place?" The voice asked. I closed my eyes and started sobbing on the spot. "Because...she's not perfect and I am and...the reverend...and...I love her." I said realized what I had done.

"Talk to her." He said. The blinding light gone and the hallway shortened. I started running to her lifeless form. "Raven?" I asked, squatting down next to her,"Ra-"

"KEVIN!" I jumped and opened my eyes, not being able to recall the dream I was having. "Yes?" I asked, wrapping my arm around Susan. "You fell asleep baby." She said and I nodded. "Oh..." I whispered and she nodded. Joshua walked into the cafeteria and right over to me, everyone at my table was glaring at him.

"My uh...dad wants to see you." He said looked at me in the eyes with more hatred than I would have thought possible.

"Now?" I asked and he nodded, already walking away-but you could tell he was kind of waiting for me to follow him. As soon as we were both out of the cafeteria he grabbed my arm. "He doesn't really need to see you, I do." He said, pulling me out to the tree where he usually sat, Raven was sitting under the tree crying her eyes out. He pulled me over to her and pried her arm away from where she was sitting on it with her jacket rolled down. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! NO GET HIM AWAY! NO JOSHUA!" She screamed trying to weakly get him away from her. He slapped her.

"He keeps to fucking see what he made you do!" He said, softly but sternly and she shook her head looking up at me with a defeated expression. I had done all this? Me?

He pulled the sleeve up to reveal blood and Raven screamed as Joshua put a wet cloth to it. "STOP LET ME DIE!" She screamed trying to push him away again. I dropped the the ground and crawled over to her. "Raven, I'm so sorry." I didn't even realize I was crying. "You can't die." I told her and she looked at me, crying again. "Freaks can die! No one will care." She informed and I shook my head, pulling her over to me, I didn't care that Joshua was trying to clean her cuts, I didn't care that he was still glaring at me, all I cared about was what I'd done to Raven. She was like like a little kid; crying in my lap.

"I love you, if you're a freak then so be it because you're my freak." I whispered into her ear, putting my hand over her wrist. "But...you hate me." She whispered.

I looked at her,"I do not." I told her with a look on my face that told her she was crazy to think such a thing. She giggled. "Fix me Kev-kev." She whispered closing her eyes and falling asleep on me. I looked at Joshua. "She loves you, I don't know why-I fucking told her you would do this to her." He said while cleaning her cuts again. He bandaged them up and then pulled the sleeve down again. She wore jackets because she cuts herself...how come I didn't know that?

"If you fucking break her heart again Kev-kev I'l break your fucking neck." He said and then walked away. I held Raven as she slept in my arms. She was so perfect, even when she was sad. I don't know why other people didn't see that when I saw it all too clearly.

She makes me wish I was straight. But I think it was better that I was just her friend, I think it was better that I liked her cousin and not her...it just was. It was easier.

She woke up around fifth period and looked at me. "I love you." She whispered in my ear, I loved how she did that-like no one else in the world could know because it was our secret. "I love you too." I whispered back; for the first time today I actually meant it.