‹ Prequel: Cute Is What the Gods Aim For
Nothings Gunna Change My World
Eleven
Joshua’s POV
This was more than odd. I was being ignored by the boy who professed to his girlfriend that he was ‘kind of gay’; this same boy was coincidentally the one I believed myself to be in love with. Maybe I was sorely wrong. Maybe I really was fucking asexual because this shit confuses me. Maybe Kevin was my imagination playing tricks because I hadn’t seen him for three weeks. That does worry me. Have you ever felt so hopelessly dependent on someone else? Have you ever felt the need, not the desire, the absolute primitive drive to see this one person? Every day, every hour, no every second is like hell when you can’t hear them, can’t see them, can’t feel them, when you can’t be close enough to tell them that you love them. It was pathetic. It made me feel pathetic. I hate hurting.
I was resisting drinking, getting high and fucking Alec just for this stupid boy.
I felt an angry clench constricting my throat. I ground my teeth together. My eyes closed and I gripped the book before me. This stupid, stupid fucking pointless boy. I raised my hand and asked my English teacher if I could use the bathroom. I slid out of my desk and walked as calmly as I could muster to the water fountain a way down the hall. I took a sip and tipped forward so that my head was resting on the wall. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
I had to get a grip. This was not Joshua. No. It wasn’t. I had to harden the fuck up.
So I decided to skip.
Part of my oh so hardcore side back intact I pulled a smoke out of my pocket and lit it. I licked my lips and stuck it between my lips. I drew a breath. I felt better already. I stopped walking for a moment and looked up at the grey sky. It was kinda warm. A pretty day. Those days where sitting somewhere secluded with your eyes closed while contemplating the deep mysterious wonders of life. Some one was sitting at a tree. Some dark formation. Curiosity killed the cat you know. And damn did this curious kitty want to know who else decided that it was a good day for life speculations.
I walked with ease and as I got closer my pace unconsciously quickened. Because, you guessed it, Kevin was sitting at this tree. Speculating like a mother fucker. He was pulling at his hair, shaking his head and just looked at a loss in general.
“Hey Kevin!” I grinned towards him.
He sighed and covered his face. Okay. Awkward? I just kept on walking evenly even though my instinct was to either run away screaming like a headless chicken or running towards him, ravishing his body then telling him it’ll be all right. Maybe… not in that order.
When I got to Kevin he was obviously very agitated and not okay. I squatted in front of him. “Hey.” He didn’t answer. He just sat there. Scratching the inside of his palm. I gently lay my hand over his and wound my fingers between his. “Hey. Don’t do that Kev.”
With his other hand he ran his fingers through his hair. “Fuck.”
I sat back on to my ass and stroked my thumb over his fingers. “What’s wrong babe?”
He looked up with sad confused eyes. “Please Joshua.”
I looked him, puzzled. He sighed and pulled his hand back and folded it neatly with his other. Ouch. Burned. “Please what?”
“Please don’t.”
“Don’t?”
His eyes hardened and he stood in one fluid angry motion. “Leave me the fuck alone!”
I slowly rose to Kevin who was oddly angry at me. I raised my eyebrow. “Pardon?”
He clenched his fists and took a menacing step towards me. “Go away.”
I grinned cockily and stepped one step closer. “Now… I remember that last time we were this close you got in a bit of trouble. Something of yours quite enjoyed me being closer…” I stepped closer and smirked.
He narrowed his eyes and pushed me away. “Didn’t you hear me?” I stopped where I was and widened my eyes slightly. Uh, what ever crawled up Kevin’s ass really needed to come out and make room for my dick. I blinked. “I’m sorry Kevin. Would you care to enlighten me in what I’ve screwed up this time?”
His face crumbled slightly and he sat back down by his tree. He pulled a cigarette pack out of his pocket and then tried and failed to light one such cigarette. His hands shook. I pulled a cigarette out of my pack and lit it. I walked towards him with ease and offered him the lit cigarette. He offered it in defeat and moved over for me.
I sat next to him and drew a breath from my near gone cancer stick. “So. Do you want to talk about it?”
Kevin took in a deep breath and looked at me behind his hair. He pushed the strands out of his face and stared into my eyes for a while before looking at his shoes. “I – Pregnant – Daisy…” I looked at him. After a few seconds of silence he looked back at me. His eyes reflected fear. I wrinkled my brow. “You’re pregnant?”
He snorted cynically and stared back at his shoes. “Daisy is.”
It felt like the outside spun for a moment. She was pregnant. That meant – it meant – meant – he – he – he – couldn’t… He had sex with her. He, he fucked someone. He – he banged a girl. He’d had pussy. He made love to her. Something inside me crumbled. Something ripped my heart out and Kevin was stomping on it. Stomping so, so hard.
I must have been silent for a fair while because Kevin spoke up. “I – it didn’t – she… I’m sorry Joshua. Don’t think I wanted this… She’s keeping the baby.”
I stared at him blankly. “Congratulations.”
He groaned in frustration. “It’s not like that! Don’t be so fucking cold; this isn’t about you.”
I sighed. No, this wasn’t about me. It really wasn’t. It was about him. He was the one in Shit Street. Him and his now pregnant girlfriend. But really, that didn’t stop it from hurting like a fucking mother. It didn’t stop it hurting the fact that after more than a month he was still with a girl he didn’t claim to love. It didn’t change the fact that he still wasn’t with me even though he claimed to love me. I promised him time; I promised him my heart and gave it to him. Now? I don’t even fucking know the difference between red and green, all I know that Kevin’s eyes aren’t that color. I know that his eyes are steely blue and grey. I know his hair is a soft black. I know his skin is so pale he looks like a new born baby. I know that although his clothes still hang off of him his beauty makes no difference to what he’s wearing.
“I’m sorry sweetie. I really am. I really, really fucking am. You know what Kevin? It’s going to be alright. It is. I promise. You’ll clean up for the kid; you’ll be prettier than ever. You’ll get a steady job and stop sleeping around for money. You’ll love the kid with all your heart and love him and protect him from all evils. You’ll hold Daisy close at night and kiss her brow before telling her you love her. You’ll get through this hun. You will. But you know what?”
I waited for him to answer. I needed to know I had all of his attention. I looked into his wide eyes. I could see glimmers of hope, gratefulness and relief. He believed me. He believed me because I was telling the truth. I got to be in his life for a very short time. A very, very short time. Now my turn was over. It was Daisy’s.
“What?”
“I’m not sure if I’ll be able to help you out.”
He smiled sadly and moved so that he was facing me. He inched between my spread legs and placed his hands on my bent knees. He ran his thumb gently over my denim clad knee cap. “Joshua…”
“Yeah?”
“You help me with just being there.” I grinned despite myself. But no, not because I was flattered but because this couldn’t have been cornier. Honestly. This sappy shit made me want to throw up. I chuckled and pulled Kevin closer to me. “That couldn’t have been cheesier Kevin.”
He wrinkled his nose and stuck his tongue out at me. “Shut up. I meant it.”
I grinned and kissed his nose. He giggled and curled into my lap. I kissed the top of his head and wrapped my fingers through his hair. “You’ll figure it out.”
He poked my belly and looked up at me. “You’re sappy.”
I growled and tugged his hair. “Don’t make me hurt you.”
He slid his fingers up the front of my shirt. “Don’t make me put you in a situation you don’t want to be in…” He brushed his fingers against my nipples and grinned childishly. I just glowered and ignored him. He pouted and tugged one of my nipples gently. My eyes narrowed and he giggled. He craned his neck from his huddled position and nipped the lower end of my neck. I shivered but didn’t say anything. He withdrew one hand and sucked softly on his finger while looking at me out of the corner of his eye seductively. I scrunched my eyes and thought about ducks. He chuckled and slid his hand back up my shirt. Suddenly I felt something cold and wet massage against my nipple. I sucked in a deep breath but still said nothing.
He shook his head slightly and placed both of his hands on my shoulders and pushed my legs down to straddle them. He stared into my eyes for a while before angling his face slightly and placing his lips gently against mine. We moved together in what seemed a slow dance between our lips. My hands moved around his back and slid down lower to push his lower half gently against mine. He felt this movement and pulled away grinning.
I glared at him. “You are dead.”
With that I pushed him on the ground in front of us before crawling on top of him. I stared down at him and raised my eyebrow. “I beg to differ young man. I really love being in this sort of situation.”
He giggled and put his hands on my chest. “No you really don’t want to be in this situation.”
I cocked my head at him. “And why is that?”
“Cause you’ll be getting off me now.”
“Will I?”
He looked at me seriously. “People can see us.”
I scrambled off of him and pulled him up. “Then go to class before I take advantage of you.”
He grinned and began to move to the building. “And you?” He stopped moving to look back at me. I shrugged and walked towards him. “I’m sick.” I faked coughed for him followed by an angelic look that could really even convince the pope.
He shook his head at me but stayed where I was. I looked at him with wide eyes. “Go!” He giggled and placed one foot in front of the other. I slapped his ass and he squealed softly before glaring at me. I smiled sweetly back. “Have fun.”
With that I skipped away. To my house. Where my mother wasn’t there. She was at work. So was my soon to be step father. And my cousin was still at school. This calls for celebration.
I sniffed a bottle of Midori. Yes I was in the mood. I poured myself a shot and raised the glass. “To the fucking baby and soon to be father; Kevin.”
With that I downed the shot. Followed with a few more.
This was more than odd. I was being ignored by the boy who professed to his girlfriend that he was ‘kind of gay’; this same boy was coincidentally the one I believed myself to be in love with. Maybe I was sorely wrong. Maybe I really was fucking asexual because this shit confuses me. Maybe Kevin was my imagination playing tricks because I hadn’t seen him for three weeks. That does worry me. Have you ever felt so hopelessly dependent on someone else? Have you ever felt the need, not the desire, the absolute primitive drive to see this one person? Every day, every hour, no every second is like hell when you can’t hear them, can’t see them, can’t feel them, when you can’t be close enough to tell them that you love them. It was pathetic. It made me feel pathetic. I hate hurting.
I was resisting drinking, getting high and fucking Alec just for this stupid boy.
I felt an angry clench constricting my throat. I ground my teeth together. My eyes closed and I gripped the book before me. This stupid, stupid fucking pointless boy. I raised my hand and asked my English teacher if I could use the bathroom. I slid out of my desk and walked as calmly as I could muster to the water fountain a way down the hall. I took a sip and tipped forward so that my head was resting on the wall. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
I had to get a grip. This was not Joshua. No. It wasn’t. I had to harden the fuck up.
So I decided to skip.
Part of my oh so hardcore side back intact I pulled a smoke out of my pocket and lit it. I licked my lips and stuck it between my lips. I drew a breath. I felt better already. I stopped walking for a moment and looked up at the grey sky. It was kinda warm. A pretty day. Those days where sitting somewhere secluded with your eyes closed while contemplating the deep mysterious wonders of life. Some one was sitting at a tree. Some dark formation. Curiosity killed the cat you know. And damn did this curious kitty want to know who else decided that it was a good day for life speculations.
I walked with ease and as I got closer my pace unconsciously quickened. Because, you guessed it, Kevin was sitting at this tree. Speculating like a mother fucker. He was pulling at his hair, shaking his head and just looked at a loss in general.
“Hey Kevin!” I grinned towards him.
He sighed and covered his face. Okay. Awkward? I just kept on walking evenly even though my instinct was to either run away screaming like a headless chicken or running towards him, ravishing his body then telling him it’ll be all right. Maybe… not in that order.
When I got to Kevin he was obviously very agitated and not okay. I squatted in front of him. “Hey.” He didn’t answer. He just sat there. Scratching the inside of his palm. I gently lay my hand over his and wound my fingers between his. “Hey. Don’t do that Kev.”
With his other hand he ran his fingers through his hair. “Fuck.”
I sat back on to my ass and stroked my thumb over his fingers. “What’s wrong babe?”
He looked up with sad confused eyes. “Please Joshua.”
I looked him, puzzled. He sighed and pulled his hand back and folded it neatly with his other. Ouch. Burned. “Please what?”
“Please don’t.”
“Don’t?”
His eyes hardened and he stood in one fluid angry motion. “Leave me the fuck alone!”
I slowly rose to Kevin who was oddly angry at me. I raised my eyebrow. “Pardon?”
He clenched his fists and took a menacing step towards me. “Go away.”
I grinned cockily and stepped one step closer. “Now… I remember that last time we were this close you got in a bit of trouble. Something of yours quite enjoyed me being closer…” I stepped closer and smirked.
He narrowed his eyes and pushed me away. “Didn’t you hear me?” I stopped where I was and widened my eyes slightly. Uh, what ever crawled up Kevin’s ass really needed to come out and make room for my dick. I blinked. “I’m sorry Kevin. Would you care to enlighten me in what I’ve screwed up this time?”
His face crumbled slightly and he sat back down by his tree. He pulled a cigarette pack out of his pocket and then tried and failed to light one such cigarette. His hands shook. I pulled a cigarette out of my pack and lit it. I walked towards him with ease and offered him the lit cigarette. He offered it in defeat and moved over for me.
I sat next to him and drew a breath from my near gone cancer stick. “So. Do you want to talk about it?”
Kevin took in a deep breath and looked at me behind his hair. He pushed the strands out of his face and stared into my eyes for a while before looking at his shoes. “I – Pregnant – Daisy…” I looked at him. After a few seconds of silence he looked back at me. His eyes reflected fear. I wrinkled my brow. “You’re pregnant?”
He snorted cynically and stared back at his shoes. “Daisy is.”
It felt like the outside spun for a moment. She was pregnant. That meant – it meant – meant – he – he – he – couldn’t… He had sex with her. He, he fucked someone. He – he banged a girl. He’d had pussy. He made love to her. Something inside me crumbled. Something ripped my heart out and Kevin was stomping on it. Stomping so, so hard.
I must have been silent for a fair while because Kevin spoke up. “I – it didn’t – she… I’m sorry Joshua. Don’t think I wanted this… She’s keeping the baby.”
I stared at him blankly. “Congratulations.”
He groaned in frustration. “It’s not like that! Don’t be so fucking cold; this isn’t about you.”
I sighed. No, this wasn’t about me. It really wasn’t. It was about him. He was the one in Shit Street. Him and his now pregnant girlfriend. But really, that didn’t stop it from hurting like a fucking mother. It didn’t stop it hurting the fact that after more than a month he was still with a girl he didn’t claim to love. It didn’t change the fact that he still wasn’t with me even though he claimed to love me. I promised him time; I promised him my heart and gave it to him. Now? I don’t even fucking know the difference between red and green, all I know that Kevin’s eyes aren’t that color. I know that his eyes are steely blue and grey. I know his hair is a soft black. I know his skin is so pale he looks like a new born baby. I know that although his clothes still hang off of him his beauty makes no difference to what he’s wearing.
“I’m sorry sweetie. I really am. I really, really fucking am. You know what Kevin? It’s going to be alright. It is. I promise. You’ll clean up for the kid; you’ll be prettier than ever. You’ll get a steady job and stop sleeping around for money. You’ll love the kid with all your heart and love him and protect him from all evils. You’ll hold Daisy close at night and kiss her brow before telling her you love her. You’ll get through this hun. You will. But you know what?”
I waited for him to answer. I needed to know I had all of his attention. I looked into his wide eyes. I could see glimmers of hope, gratefulness and relief. He believed me. He believed me because I was telling the truth. I got to be in his life for a very short time. A very, very short time. Now my turn was over. It was Daisy’s.
“What?”
“I’m not sure if I’ll be able to help you out.”
He smiled sadly and moved so that he was facing me. He inched between my spread legs and placed his hands on my bent knees. He ran his thumb gently over my denim clad knee cap. “Joshua…”
“Yeah?”
“You help me with just being there.” I grinned despite myself. But no, not because I was flattered but because this couldn’t have been cornier. Honestly. This sappy shit made me want to throw up. I chuckled and pulled Kevin closer to me. “That couldn’t have been cheesier Kevin.”
He wrinkled his nose and stuck his tongue out at me. “Shut up. I meant it.”
I grinned and kissed his nose. He giggled and curled into my lap. I kissed the top of his head and wrapped my fingers through his hair. “You’ll figure it out.”
He poked my belly and looked up at me. “You’re sappy.”
I growled and tugged his hair. “Don’t make me hurt you.”
He slid his fingers up the front of my shirt. “Don’t make me put you in a situation you don’t want to be in…” He brushed his fingers against my nipples and grinned childishly. I just glowered and ignored him. He pouted and tugged one of my nipples gently. My eyes narrowed and he giggled. He craned his neck from his huddled position and nipped the lower end of my neck. I shivered but didn’t say anything. He withdrew one hand and sucked softly on his finger while looking at me out of the corner of his eye seductively. I scrunched my eyes and thought about ducks. He chuckled and slid his hand back up my shirt. Suddenly I felt something cold and wet massage against my nipple. I sucked in a deep breath but still said nothing.
He shook his head slightly and placed both of his hands on my shoulders and pushed my legs down to straddle them. He stared into my eyes for a while before angling his face slightly and placing his lips gently against mine. We moved together in what seemed a slow dance between our lips. My hands moved around his back and slid down lower to push his lower half gently against mine. He felt this movement and pulled away grinning.
I glared at him. “You are dead.”
With that I pushed him on the ground in front of us before crawling on top of him. I stared down at him and raised my eyebrow. “I beg to differ young man. I really love being in this sort of situation.”
He giggled and put his hands on my chest. “No you really don’t want to be in this situation.”
I cocked my head at him. “And why is that?”
“Cause you’ll be getting off me now.”
“Will I?”
He looked at me seriously. “People can see us.”
I scrambled off of him and pulled him up. “Then go to class before I take advantage of you.”
He grinned and began to move to the building. “And you?” He stopped moving to look back at me. I shrugged and walked towards him. “I’m sick.” I faked coughed for him followed by an angelic look that could really even convince the pope.
He shook his head at me but stayed where I was. I looked at him with wide eyes. “Go!” He giggled and placed one foot in front of the other. I slapped his ass and he squealed softly before glaring at me. I smiled sweetly back. “Have fun.”
With that I skipped away. To my house. Where my mother wasn’t there. She was at work. So was my soon to be step father. And my cousin was still at school. This calls for celebration.
I sniffed a bottle of Midori. Yes I was in the mood. I poured myself a shot and raised the glass. “To the fucking baby and soon to be father; Kevin.”
With that I downed the shot. Followed with a few more.