Don't Give Up (On Me)

“I really have to get to work,” I groaned, pushing John off of me. I was panting enough as it was. I wasn’t exactly ready for a ‘round two’ this early in the morning. “I’m already late enough as it is.”

“Shit, Lei that was so-“

I cut him off by kissing him quickly. “I’m gonna have a shower. Can you make me a coffee?”

“How about we shower together-“

“No!” I scolded pointing my finger at him as I got out of bed and darted into the bathroom. “I know what that means and you know I can’t resist you in the shower!”

I heard him laugh as I turned on the water, a sound I didn’t mind hearing every now and then. My shower was quick, as was the rest of my morning routine and before I knew it, I was out the door and nursing a cup of coffee as I drove to work. It was Monday today, and we were already a few days into November, meaning we’d have to start working on the Christmas specials and the beloved ‘Christmas card’ from the 8123 family, basically meaning a huge portrait of the entire company, bands and personnel that got sent via email and posted on the social networking sites. Usually, John and I sent a copy to his parents, with a heart around us because we often subtly stood together.

There was also the launch of the new line that would be happening soon, including the launch party which was basically just a party in the warehouse for Tim to praise me on my ‘hard work’ over really good alcohol.

When I got to the warehouse, it really was chaos. Layla was sitting on Caleb’s shoulders as she reached the top shelf of the inventory shelves, grabbing the last orders and dropping them down into the large delivery trolley. Jack sat cooped up on the couch in his area, nursing a coffee similar to mine as he became surrounded in paper work, my guess, the orders that were constantly coming and going. I almost thought the site was going to crash due to the amount of orders we were receiving, it was impressive.

I could see clearly into Lennon’s office, finding him and Tate on the ground, surrounding in large drawing paper, him clearly showing her designs while she showed him a few of the graphics for the Christmas specials.

Ugh the Christmas specials. We’d probably be shooting those when we did the Christmas card, which means we’d need those in quite soon if we wanted the specials to go live from the first of December.

So when I found Elijah asleep at his desk, I was a little more than confused.

“Leighton! You’re late,” Layla stated, looking down at me from Caleb’s shoulders. “Why is that?”

I raised an eyebrow at her. “Why are you on his shoulders?”

“The ladder broke,” Caleb mumbled, looking away innocently. It was kinda cute to be honest. “I just found it like that this morning.”

“He didn’t secure it and it slipped out of place and he broke it,” Layla smirked, ruffling his hair, much to his dismay.

“Quit it,” he huffed, smacking his hand away and lifting the side of his shirt. Damn. “I got a bad bruise, boss girl.”

I shot him a sarcastic pout. “Grow a pair, you’re a human ladder now, Caleb.” I teased, lifting my mug to my lips and shooting him a link before approaching Jack and sitting across from him. “You watching out for your girlfriend’s safety?” I asked teasingly.

“Not right this second, no-wait how do you know about us?” He asked, looking up at me through the specs of his dorky glasses. “She tell you?”

I nodded, chuckling. “She did, actually. I don’t want to have to walk in on you two mackin’ on your
break.”

He sent me a look. “No one even says that anymore, Lei. Get with it.”

I shoved him, throwing him a face. “I hope you’re drowning in orders.”

“Wow. Incredibly rude.” He scoffed, shoving me back.

I rolled my eyes and stood. “You keeping up with schedule though?”

He nodded. “You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

I sent him a smile. “Great, keep it up loser.” I praised before walking over to Lennon’s office.

I knocked on the door and they both looked up at me. “Hey guys, sorry I’m late.”

“No worries Lei,” Tate said waving it off. “We’re going over the Christmas specials. A shirt for every band, two 8123 shirts and a hoodie, plus a beanie. So far all we’ve got to go is the last 8123 shirt.” She explained.

I sighed in relief. “Thank god, I’m super glad to hear that, Tate.”

“I figured,” she chuckled, “because this year Tim wants everyone in hideous Christmas sweaters for the card photo.”

I rolled my eyes, scoffing at the idea. “Seriously?!”

“Unfortunately,” Lennon chuckled, “so he’s leaving it up to us to grab a few extras from any thrift store nearby. A few of the guys don’t already have bad sweaters, apparently.”

“Typical,” I mumbled, “when is that scheduled for anyway?”

“It’s still not for a few weeks,” Tate said, “and on that same day we’re going to shoot the Christmas specials because one of the boys from each of the bands is going to model their shirt, and they’re going to make the fans vote for whoever they want to see.” She explained, “and uh…Tim and Pat are going to do the 8123 shirts.” She said, showing no emotion as she said his name. Even though we’d made up about that whole ordeal, it was still hard to actually comprehend that she cheated on Garrett with Pat.

You just don’t hear that kind of thing every day.

“Alright well as long as we stay on top of everything, we should be alright,” I nodded. “I have faith in you guys to help me keep this thing alive.”

“Definitely, Lei. You can count on us.” Lennon nodded genuinely, standing up with the biggest smile. “Also, there’s something waiting for you in your office.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What is it?”

“Go and see!” Tate laughed, standing and pushing me towards my office, Lennon in tow.

I don’t know how I’d missed it before, as I’d had to pass my office to get to Lennon’s in the first place. When I stepped into my office, it was almost full of brown boxes with our printing companies’ logo on the side. My eyes widened and I almost dropped my coffee.

“Is that?”

“Your first season?” Lennon asked, opening one of the boxes and throwing me a t-shirt. “Sure is.”

“Oh my god,” I gasped, holding the t-shirt up. “Oh my god guys, it’s real.”

“Congrats babe,” Tate laughed, patting me on the back. “You deserve it.”

“I can’t wait until I get my first season out there.” Lennon chuckled. “And I can take all of the credit.”

“It definitely feels good.” I nodded.

That wasn’t a lie- it felt great.

***

“One Big Mac with a double thick shake.” Caleb said, placing the brown paper bag on my desk in front of me.

“You’re a life saver,” I groaned, tying my hair up and sitting cross-legged on my chair, eager to get into my dinner. “You can eat with me if you want.” I called, as he headed for the door.

“Okay,” he shrugged, placing his bag down on the desk and sitting across from me. “It’s just us and Lennon. The others went home about an hour ago.”

“What time is it?” I asked, eyes wide.

“Seven thirty,” Caleb said, from the clock behind me.

“Shit,” I mumbled, lifting my phone and shooting John a text that he could pick me up a little later. I still wasn’t done at the warehouse and was keeping Caleb back so we could get through all the crappy paperwork we had yet to do. “I didn’t even realize. Today has been chaos.”

“No shit.” Caleb nodded, crossing a leg over the other as he munched on his fries. I noticed he sat like John, and was tall like John. In a lot of ways, he was just like John.

“Is that all you’re eating?” I asked, downing my burger with a sip of my drink.

He shrugged and nodded. “Not that hungry- plus, I have to watch my weight,” he said, rolling his eyes. “I’m a part time model so I constantly have to watch my figure.” He scoffed.

“You do not seem like the model type,” I stated. “Not at all.”

“Are you saying I’m not pretty enough?” He teased, throwing me a pout.

I sent him a look. “Of course you’re pretty enough,” I laughed, “you’re gorgeous-“ I stopped myself short, my cheeks turning red as it slipped out. “But uh, y’know, you just don’t seem like the type-“

“No it’s alright, you can stop after gorgeous.” He smirked, a smug smile on his lips.

“You’re a little shit, y’know that?” I scoffed, my cheeks still red.

“Of course I do,” he laughed, sitting back in his chair. “I didn’t know it could get so busy around here.” He admitted. “I knew there was a lot of work to be done, but I didn’t know it was like this.”

“This is probably as intense as it gets,” I nodded. “Christmas is always much busier, which puts a load of stress on us.”

“Seems that way,” Caleb nodded, eyeing me curiously.

I looked up. “What?”

“Nothing. You just…sometimes you seem upset when you come in, or frustrated. I want to ask if you’re okay, but I’m the new guy, y’know? I don’t know if it’s my place.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

Just like John.

“I have a lot of personal stuff going on right now,” I explained with a sigh, and he gave me a knowing look. “My boyfriend has depression- not the kind that makes him a little moodier or sadder every now and then, but the kind that hides under the bed and waits for him, y’know?”

Caleb nodded understandingly, which surprised me. “I lost my little brother to depression a few months before I moved to Arizona,” he admitted. “I can understand what you’re going through.”

“Y-you lost him?” I stuttered, the worst already coming to mind.
Caleb nodded. “It’s different for everyone, but it’s a lot harder on kids. It happened when I was away for school, I got a call in the middle of one of my exams and found out my little brother had passed away by his own cause. I wasn’t there for him- he didn’t have the support that your boyfriend has. As long as he has you, he’ll be okay.”

“I find that hard to believe,” I murmured.

“No one can go through that alone.” Caleb said in disagreement, shaking his head at me. “No one should go through that alone.”

“Hey Caleb?” I spoke up, after a few minutes of silence.

“Mm?”

“I’m sorry about your brother.” I said softly.

He gave me a small, appreciative smile before returning to his fast food. It was hard to explain, but I felt kind of…relieved to have another person around that could understand what I was going through. He knew what it was like and that gave me a little more hope. Of course the fact that his brother had died because of the depression put me on edge, but I knew what Caleb said about kids having depression was true. John almost had a firm grip on his depression, so losing him to it wasn’t something I was constantly worrying about. John loved life, he was thankful for it, so something like suicide wasn’t something that had crossed my mind, and I prayed to God it would never have to.

***

It was around nine o’clock that John came by the warehouse. By then, Lennon had gone home and I was in my office with Caleb, going through the last of the shitty paperwork that I’d been doing all day. I’d completely forgotten about John picking me up, and the message that I’d sent more than two hours ago.

“No that one is going out to production,” I told Caleb, as he sat beside me at my desk. I leaned across and dropped it into the production pile before resuming the pages in front of us. “You’re getting the hang of it.”

“Slowly,” he chuckled, nudging me. “Because you’re the one-“

“Leighton,”

I looked up at the sound of his voice. “John!”

He stayed silent but raised an eyebrow.

“I forgot to text you,” I groaned, picking up my phone to see all of the missed calls. “Sorry, my phone was on silent.”

“You never put it on silent,” he mumbled, looking at Caleb before looking back to me. “You ready to go? I made you dinner, it’s in the-“

“I’ve already eaten,” I said quickly, quite impressed with the gesture anyway.

“Oh really?” He mused.

There was a bit of tension before I remembered the guy sitting next to me.

“Oh right, John, this is Caleb. Caleb, this is my boyfriend John.” I said, introducing the two.

“Nice to meet you man,” Caleb said, standing and holding his hand out for John to shake.

John just stared at him, before turning back to me. “You ready to go?”

I sent him a look, appalled with how easy it was for him to be so rude. “Not really-“

“I can wait,” John shrugged, staying in place in the door way.

“I uh, I might head home. Is that alright with you?” Caleb asked me, packing his stuff up.

“Yeah sure,” I nodded, “thanks for everything today, Caleb.” I said, placing my hand on his arm affectionately. Yeah, I was just doing that to get on John’s nerves now. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Will do,” he smiled at me. “Have a good night you guys.” He said, nodding at John on his way out.

“You too!” I called after him. I started packing up my stuff, waiting for him to leave before John would go off at me, picking a fight and calling me every derogatory name he could think of.

But it never came, and that hurt more.

“You ready to go?” He asked softly, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“You didn’t have to be an asshole to him.” I snapped, grabbing my bag and switching off my computer.

“I made you dinner.” He said, “if you’re still hungry you can-“

“I’m not hungry.” I said stubbornly, crossing my arms at him.

“Well then let’s go,” he sighed, holding his hand out to me.

I walked over to him and switched off the light before making my way through the door, completely rejecting his hand. Now he could have a taste at what it felt like. The whole drive home was silent and I hated it, but I could never succeed at breaking the silence.

“Caleb was our intern but now he’s got a permanent position in our department.” I explained. “He’s an amazing designer, out from California.”

Nothing.

“I’m surprised he was given a job so quickly, to be honest. His internship hasn’t even finished yet.”

Still nothing.

“But he’s extremely talented, y’know? Tim’s really good at picking out the good ones. I’m really proud of how far he’s come since-“

He reached forward and turned the radio up, while I was speaking.

It took everything I had to keep my clenched fists in my lap. As soon as we got home, I got out of his
truck and headed inside. I stopped when I saw the many candles around the living room. They were all blown out, but it still looked romantic. I could picture him sitting on the couch under the comforter, just waiting for me to get home. Meanwhile, I was slaving away in my office with Caleb.

I felt him come up behind me, stopping so close I could feel his breath on my neck.

“I uh…I had my appointment today, with my therapist,” he mumbled. “She thinks I’m doing better.”

I bit my lip to stop the tears from falling, glad I wasn’t facing him. “I’m gonna take a shower,” I choked, before heading upstairs to escape him. Sometimes the mixed emotions were too much.

***

John’s POV

I didn’t mean to make her cry. Even when I was making her dinner and trying to make the night special for us, I managed to fuck it up and upset her. I shouldn’t have been an ass to her back at the office. I just couldn’t control myself around that guy. It was so obvious that there was something going on between them. But the thing was that I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t mad because she’d found someone who apparently made her happier than I did, and at the end of the day, all I wanted was for her to be happy.

If she found that in someone else, then so be it. But I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t give her to him because I needed her to fucking live. So I decided to keep quiet about it. I didn’t want her to feel guilty, and if she found out I knew about them, then she’d end it with me, and I couldn’t have that. Or, she’d end it with him, and she didn’t want that. Sure, the guy was younger than me, and obviously more attractive to her, so I couldn’t blame her-she was probably closer to his age than mine. They could understand each other better.

I deserved this. I deserved it all.

I headed upstairs once I heard the water shut off, flicking off the lights off as I went. When I got to our bedroom, I pulled my jeans off and threw them on the loveseat at the end of our bed before climbing in, waiting for her. Maybe I could still make it up to her.

She stepped out of the bathroom in one of my old band t-shirts and a pair of shorts, completely impractical for the weather but still incredibly adorable. She gave me a small (forced looking) smile before climbing into bed beside me. “You wanna watch TV or anything?” She asked, holding the remote up.

I shook my head. “I’m okay, but you go ahead.”

“Nah, can’t be bothered,” she mused. “I’ve been staring at a computer screen all day anyway.”

“You been wearing your glasses?” I asked. Wow, way to set a mood.

“Yeah, I look like such a nerd.” She scoffed, laying down.

“I think you look cute,” I shrugged, laying down but leaning on my hand to look down at her. She was so gorgeous even without make up.

She rolled her eyes and nudged me playfully. I took that as a sign and leaned down to kiss her. She kissed me back, which I was pleased about, so I went deeper, my hand finding her hip, underneath her t-shirt. I loved how smooth her skin was. But of course, my luck can only go so far and whilst hovering over her, she pushed me away. “I’m too tired. Not tonight.”
Well that was a slap in the face.

I bit my lip and laid down. “Yeah okay.” I nodded.

“John, it’s just been a long day and-“

“No it’s okay, I get it.” I nodded, rolling over and flicking off the lamp, keeping my back to her. I couldn’t look at her. I took the rejection personally. I know I shouldn’t, but it was beyond my ability not to. I couldn’t look at her right now because only one thing was running through my mind.

You’re not him.

***

I felt bad last night shutting him down, so I woke him up…more pleasantly the following morning, doing something my mother would probably be ashamed of. It’s not like I felt like I owed him a sexual favor for rejecting his own advance, I just…didn’t want him to feel bad about last night. I mean what I came home to, could probably have been much nicer if I’d come home earlier, then we could have at least spent some time together.

There was also the fact that he’d tried to talk to me about his therapy session and I ignored that too. That was a pretty crappy move on my behalf, I will admit.

So there I was, kissing him, while moving my hand up and down…in his pants. He groaned into my mouth and it turned me on more than I thought possible.

“Lei…” he moaned, running a hand through his hair. “Oh my god…”

I was just glad he wasn’t having any technical difficulties due to the medication, or it could have been embarrassing for the both of us. “Yeah?” I murmured into his neck, leaving kisses. “You like that?” I teased, kissing behind his ear before taking his earlobe in my mouth. That turned him on- he admitted that the first time we made out and I’d been doing it ever since.

“Fuck yes,” he muttered, his hands gripping my ass and pulling me on top of him. “Can you stay home today?” He breathed heavily.

“Tomorrow’s my day off, babe,” I chuckled, before moving my hand faster as I noticed that time on the clock. Almost late. “C’mon, you can do it.”

“Leighton!” He moaned, and I could feel he was close.

“Louder,” I whispered.

“LEIGHTON!”

***

“Hey Lei, I’ve finished the paper work from last night.” Caleb said as he stood in the doorway of my office.
I looked up from the Christmas designs Tate was showing me. “Oh that’s great,” I nodded, “what are you working on now?”

“I uh was hoping to work with Lennon for a little while.” He admitted.

I nodded. “Go ahead, you’re on schedule so that’s fine.”

“Thanks,” he smiled, before heading to Lennon’s office.

“He’s cute, huh?” Tate observed, looking back over at me.

I looked up and sent her a look.

“Not in a ‘I’d cheat on Garrett’ way.” She threw back sarcastically.

“Your sense of humor is terrible,” I stated, scoffing, although it was kind of funny. “But yeah, I guess he is.”

“If you had to screw him or Elijah, who would you choose?” She asked.

“Tate!” I hissed. “The door is open!”

“I think I’d choose him. The age thing is kind of hot.” She said, ignoring my previous statement. “He’d probably be better in bed then Garrett anyway.”

“You think?” I asked, curiously. “Wait, is Pat better than Garrett? I’ve always wondered what Pat was like.” I admitted.

“Oh my god, he’s aggressive,” Tate scoffed, “Garrett kind of just…lays there and there’s absolutely no passion. I almost groaned out of boredom last time and had to turn it into a moan.”

“Really?” I asked, kind of surprised.

She nodded with a shrug. “That’s why sleeping with Pat was so addicting. Because he actually cared, which is what he’s always done. Garrett kind of just…was great at the start, but now it’s some chore for him.”

“Don’t you think that’s a sign?” I suggested. “That you should end things with him?”

She shrugged, sighing. “I’m in love with him. It’s hard to let go of that.”

I tried to understand, I really did. But I just didn’t understand how people could be in relationships with other people because it was what they were used to. If one person clearly wasn’t into it, shouldn’t you just do the both of you a favor and call it quits?

“You talked to Pat?” I asked.

She looked up, biting her lip. “He wanted to meet up last night.”

“Tate…tell me you didn’t-“

“Of course not!” She insisted, “he said he’d be waiting for me by our tree because he had something he had to tell me. Something he couldn’t keep to himself anymore, but I didn’t show up. I couldn’t.”

Oh shit. He was going to tell her he loved her but she never showed up.

“I was close to going,” she sighed, “I miss him.”

“You can’t see him, Tate, not unless you sort out everything with Garrett. No more cheating.” I sighed. “It’s not right.”

“I know,” she nodded, running a hand through her hair. “I know, and god it’s so hard.”’

“You made the right choice, cutting him off until you fix things.” I said, trying to coax her into feeling better.

“It feels wrong,” she admitted, looking down at her hands. “It felt better with Pat. He cares, Lei. Garrett…he’s home, but in a haunted house kind of way.”

“I’m going to take a stab in the dark and suggest couple counseling.” I spoke up, thinking back to when Dr. Adams had suggested we take it.

“You think that’d work?” She asked, looking up at me.

I shrugged. “It could clear things up for you two. It could help you both figure out what you want.”

She nodded. “I’ll talk to him about it. Thanks Lei.”

It felt strange, offering advice, but it also felt good not to be the one asking for advice. Not that that was something I did usually, because I preferred to keep our ‘problems’ to myself. That and the fact that nobody I knew would have any experience in a relationship like ours.

Pros and Cons, I guess.

***

I don’t want to hurt you anymore,
don’t waste your tears on me now pretty girl
When I hate myself for letting you go
You can be the one to say ‘I told you so’

“Talk to me, man. Tell me what’s going on. Why’d you write a song about not being in love with her?” Jared sighed.

I watched from behind the sound board as Matt recorded in the booth. I was envious how I could not do that myself. I was never fucking good enough.

“John,” Jared stressed, punching me in the arm.

I winced and looked over at him. “I’m in love with her.”

“But you don’t love her?” Jared asked, coming to an understanding.

“I don’t know man,” I sighed, sitting back in my chair. “It’s difficult to…I think she loves me, but I don’t think she’s in love with me.”

“What makes you think that?”

I panicked when he didn’t tell me otherwise, or that I was being ridiculous. “I think she’s interested in a guy from work.”

He was quiet, and it scared me. But then again, what didn’t these days? It was funny how reckless I used to be. Now I was scared of the truth. “You’ll never know unless you ask her.”

“I’m not asking her that,” I scoffed, shaking my head. “No way. If he makes her happy, I want her to be happy.”

Jared sent me a look. Oh, so this is the part where he tells me I was being ridiculous. “That’s stupid and you know it.”

“I’ll hate myself if I let her go,” I said honestly. “I’ll…I need her. She knows that.”

“So what’s this about ‘we can’t be friends’, and ‘I can’t take my heart some place it won’t go’?” He asked. “You’re telling her to leave you.”

“You don’t understand,” I mumbled, shaking my head.

“You’re right, I don’t,” he nodded. “All I’m saying man, is don’t lead her on. It sounds like you don’t love her, you care about her. And she cares about you, but not enough for it to be love. It’s like you need her to manage your depression, you don’t need the relationship. She’s getting the shitty end by doing all the work and not getting paid. I say, figure out what you want, man. Do it soon.”

No matter what I figured out, I couldn’t leave her.

I was too damn weak.