Don't Give Up (On Me)

JOHN’S POV

“It’s okay, this is okay- don’t you like that?”

“I don’t know-“

“You should like it, there’s nothing wrong with this, there; doesn’t that feel good?”

Doesn’t that feel good?

I woke up in a cold sweat, my hands reaching out in the dark for her body. I panicked as I couldn’t feel her, unable to even see in the dark. My heart started racing as the sweat dripped down the sides of my face and down the front of my chest.

“Leighton!” I yelled, my arms shaking as they held me in a sitting position- a position I was about to collapse from. “Leighton!” all I could hear was my own heart pounding in my chest.

I heard movement downstairs and tugged the bedsheets closer around my body. It was a snowy December and I was sleeping in only bedsheets. I know it annoyed the hell out of her but she didn’t complain. Not once.

“Leighton!”

“What?!” She yelled back, stumbling through our bedroom door. “What is it John?”

“W-why aren’t you in bed?” I whimpered, before coughing pathetically to hide that whimper.

“I’m catching up on paperwork downstairs hun, I have to get it done before I meet with Tim tomorrow.” She sighed, leaning against the doorframe.

Lie. She hadn’t slept with me since I came into her work drunk off my ass. And by slept with me I mean slept in our bed. We haven’t slept together in a few weeks now. I don’t blame her, I’m a disgusting human being with a disgusting history.

“Come back to bed,” I croaked, my voice raspy. I looked at the clock beside me and winced. “It’s three am.”

She shrugged her left shoulder, her oversized t-shirt slipping to expose her bare shoulder. “I’m fine. I’m not going to get much sleep anyway.”

She didn’t ask why I’d woken up screaming for her. She didn’t care anymore. She didn’t even ask me why I wasn’t going to my boxing classes, something we’d decided together would be good for me.

I signed up to an Alcoholics Anonymous session the day after…everything happened at the office. That was almost a week ago tomorrow that it happened and I still felt like a fucking jerk about it. Tim even came into the studio to pull me out and put me in line. As my manager speaking, I was no longer allowed to enter the merchandising warehouse without permission from him. What I did was professionally unacceptable and he was appalled at the way I treated the ‘staff’. I agreed with him.

Professionally speaking, I’m embarrassed about what I did. Leighton didn’t even bother discussing it with me. I tried to suggest we do something for our anniversary but she told me not to even think about bringing it up with her. That’s how over me she was.

Do you know how disheartening that is? To realise the one person you need and love to need and love you back, is just…over you? She doesn’t want to be living in the same house as me and there’s nothing I can do about that.

And here I was freaking out about my nightmares and about today and about the fact that I’m twenty five years old, having panic attacks and nightmares and how I’ve ruined my relationship with this perfect girl whom I wanted to marry- but fuck all to that right, because I made her put that ring back into my pocket. It hung around my neck and she winced every time she saw the damn thing, like she couldn’t believe she didn’t realise it’s pathetic weight and meaning when I first showed her, and then continued to lie to her face.

“John,”

I came back into reality and she was suddenly in my face. “S-sorry, what?” I asked quietly.

“I said, are you okay?” She hummed.

I shook my head and she sighed.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” She mumbled.

I leaned forward to kiss her but she stood. “I-“

“Don’t,” she muttered, before leaving the room.

Yeah, that’s pretty much how our week had been. She was no longer sympathetic for me, she just hated me.

And I hated me too.

***

I left that morning to meet Tim at the 8123 offices. I told John I’d meet up with him after he finished in the studio and I’d drive us both home. When we arrived home tonight, I was going to talk him into some sort of rehabilitation program because God knows he wouldn’t do it on his own.
I’d already booked an appointment with John’s doctor, saying we’d be in first thing Saturday morning to talk. If John was open to it, maybe we’d go tomorrow, a day earlier and a day closer to recovery.
I just had to figure out how to persuade him.

Being somewhat in the fashion industry, I knew that a good outfit was enough to raise my mood somewhat higher, so I decided on a vintage dress I’d picked up at the Melrose Trading Post with black tights underneath and my black platform combat boots. It was an especially cold day so I pulled on my navy blue peacoat and (probably John’s) grey slouch beanie, all ready to face the ridiculously cold weather. Sometimes it baffled me as to how hot it could get through the summer, compared to how cold it was now. This was by far, our coldest winter to date.

I stopped in at Starbucks to grab a coffee for myself and Tim, before continuing on my way to the warehouse. He’d tried to give me the past three days off, but I refused. I wasn’t going to let some pathetic stunt get in the way of my professional career. It was hard enough facing Caleb after John accused us of sleeping together, and on top of that, I had to face them all after being called a whore, slut and bitch by guess who, my loving boyfriend.

I got to the offices and parked as close to the door as I could, minding the moving van that was parked outside. I got out of my car and headed to the front doors, a wave of relief setting in to me as I felt the heating calm my body-

“Leighton? What are you doing here?”

I looked up, surprised to see Austin and Hilary hanging around the receptionist desk, which Tim’s girlfriend Ashley sat behind, talking up a storm with them. She worked in the front office, scheduling and doubling in the accounts side of things. 8123 really was built up on family and friends, and it was somewhat incredible to see how far they’d all come.

“I have a meeting with Tim,” I said, clutching my file to my chest. “Shouldn’t you know that?” I teased.

“Oh I figured it was because John would be in today…” Ashley mumbled, before looking over the screen in front of her. “Nope, Tim’s ready for you hun.”

“Thanks,” I nodded.

“How are you?” Hilary blurted out, before I took a step towards the conference room.

I raised an eyebrow. “Alright? How are you?”

“I just mean, after last week.” She said, biting her lip. “We heard about what happened-“
I cut her off with a loud groan. I didn’t mean to be rude, I just didn’t want everyone to know about our private issues. It was embarrassing enough as it was having people witness it. “I didn’t want anyone to know- it’s really not a big deal.”

“It sure sounded like a big deal,” Austin stated.

It was.

“It isn’t, trust me.”

Oh how I was going to be so wrong was almost humorous.

We exchanged goodbyes and I walked into the conference room, where I found Tim situated on at the top of the large table.

“Hey Kirch,” I greeted.

Tim looked up with a warm smile. “Leighton. How’re you doing?”

I shrugged with a nod. “Alright. Yourself?”

“Pretty good, which is normal I guess because of the holidays coming up.” He reasoned.

“You doing anything for Christmas?” I asked, sitting in a chair down his end.

“Nah, we’re just staying here. Pat’s been really down lately so I kind of don’t want to leave him over the holidays.” Tim mused.

I raised an eyebrow. “Really? Doesn’t he have a new girlfriend?” I asked.

Tim let out a sarcastic laugh, shaking his head. “Girlfriend? No way, they’re all one night stands. It’s not like him at all which kind of worries me, to be honest.”

More than one girl? Interesting.

“And he had a falling out with Tate, which doesn’t help,” Tim scoffed, “he’s going through something right now and she’s totally abandoned him.”

“I’m sure it’s a lot deeper than that, Tim.” I reasoned, sending him a look as I sifted through my
papers.

“Do you know what’s going on?” He asked, raising an eyebrow curiously.

“No,” I lied, and I think he knew this, but he didn’t question me further, which I was grateful for. I pushed us onto the topic of the upcoming lines and we got talking about all of the new ideas. Tim and
I usually did this- we’d brainstorm together before bringing it to the table of the rest of the team, which is when we would take in all of their ideas too. We started thinking up a lot of great ideas for the winter line, before moving on to the idea of a home/lifestyle line that would include things for people’s rooms and apartments. It was an idea that had been scrapped on and off the drawing board for over a year now, and we were suddenly feeling like we should develop that idea into something more for the new year.

We were getting pretty into it before Tim decided to bring up the incident from last week.

“So how have you been?” He asked, not having seen me since the incident. “Y’know, with John.”

I sighed. “Honestly, not good.” I wasn’t going to lie to Tim, he was one of my closest and most trusted friends. I told him a lot of things because I knew in confidence, that he wouldn’t tell John. “I can’t even look at him anymore.”

“Eric said that John said that you don’t sleep in your bed anymore. I mean Eric’s given up on John now, but from when he last saw him, he said John felt incredibly guilty.” Tim added, “Professionally
I’m pissed at John, but personally…I just…I’m disappointed.”

“I need you guys to stick by him though,” I said quietly, as I pulled my phone out to send Eric a similar text. “I know it’s hard, but I need him to have someone. In case it’s not me.”

I felt Tim’s eyes on me as I stared at my phone. Please don’t ask. Please don’t ask. Please don’t ask-

“What exactly do you mean by that?” Tim asked carefully.

I looked up and gave him a look. “You know what I mean.”

He nodded slowly, “he’s coming in today, you know that, right? With the guys? They’re moving a piano into the studio for Matt to track the last song.”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t affect me. The only contact I’ll be having with him is driving him home.”

“Fair enough,” Tim nodded. “Back on task?”

“Please,”

We got back on topic with the new lines for winter. We were planning on using a few designs Tate and Lennon had come up with for some crew necks, even looking into producing a few knitted sweaters. It was all really exciting coming up with new ideas and it took my mind off of John and my personal life completely. It was nice to immerse myself with my work again; something I’m honestly so passionate about. It seemed like the one thing in my life that I could count on providing me with happiness. Whether or not I got the response I wanted from my line, it only pushed me to work harder towards something bigger for myself. It gave me the passion to work to improve, because in the long run I knew it was worth it.

I guess it was kind of like my relationship with John. No matter how much he fucked up, I knew that if I stuck at it, it would be worth it. Or at least, that’s what I used to think. But what was that greater good in our relationship? Marriage? Whether or not we got married and started a family, the depression would still be there. It would still be there if we moved into a bigger house, or spent Christmas across the country. If we weren’t able to healthily deal with his condition together, what good were we in the long run?

That should be motivating, right?

But what if we’re on the side of the argument that we can’t deal with this?
What if it was just too much for me?

What then?

I was heavily in the thought process of both my relationship with John and the new merch ideas with Tim, that I didn’t even notice the guys rocking up at the offices. They stayed in the parking lot, standing around and talking while they left the piano on a tarp in the middle of them, waiting to be moved. But something in the air didn’t feel right, even as I subtly watched from the window. John had his hands shoved into his jacket pockets and his sunglasses on- even when the sun was hidden behind the clouds. Garrett had an axe in his hands and it seemed too dangerous for the way he was looking at Pat, who looked lifelessly at his feet. Pat stood next to Kennedy who seemed completely oblivious as he stared down at his phone. Austin and Hilary had joined them, and the two seemed exceedingly happy about something as they talked amongst the group.

It was until fifteen minutes later that I got the call. I didn’t know what the weight of this call would soon be but I was about to find out as I answered. You see, John’s doctor tries to only call me when it’s a dire emergency, or it’s in response about his medication. So considering I hadn’t called about John’s medication in quite some time (to be honest I don’t even think he stills takes it), I was started as to why he’d be calling me, he was always such a busy guy and hard to get a hold of.

“Sorry, I have to take this,” I said, apologising to Tim, who had no problem allowing me to answer the call. I stood and walked over to the window, looking out and finding John. “Hello?”

“Hello? Leighton?” Dr. Adams’ panicked voice demanded. It was kind of hard talking to a doctor and not freaking out when you heard them panic like the way he was.

“Dr. Adams?” I asked, “Is something wrong?”

“Leighton are you with John right now?” Dr. Adams asked frantically, “I need to speak with you as soon as possible- are you able to come to my office? It’s urgent.”

My heart started racing. “I can’t leave right now- Dr. Adams, what’s going on? You’re scaring me.” I tried to joke, but when I heard him hesitate, I cut the crap and demanded the answers.

“Leighton…I regret to inform you, that I believe I have misdiagnosed your partner.”

The formality in his words almost made me throw up. I could feel Tim’s attention focused on me as I tried not to watch the intense conversation going on outside. The one in my ear was probably about to become a thousand times worse.

“Misdiagnosed? What are you talking about?” I asked quietly.

“I can’t say specifically because of client/doctor confidentiality, but this morning John apparently shared something with his therapist that…we need to handle with possible legal actions.” Dr. Adams explained.

My eyes widened. “What did he share? Why can’t you tell me?!” I practically yelled. My hands started shaking and I felt my knees wobbling. I had to hold onto the wall as an attempt not to fall to the ground.

“Leighton I have reason to believe that John is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder- it would explain the nightmares, the sweating, the emotional detachment- it’s the reason he’s not responding to the anti-depressants- the depression is only a symptom to the bigger picture.”

“The bigger picture being PTSD,” I repeated, in totally confusion.

“Exactly,”

“So why is he suffering from this?” I pushed, my eyes watching as John shoved Garrett quite roughly in the chest, a retaliation to something said to him.

“That’s not for me to say. I advise you speak with John and then come and see me straight away-“

But I wasn’t listening. I stopped listening the second I watched John take the axe and lodge it into the top of the baby grand piano. The noise should have been loud but everything seemed almost deafeningly silent. He was traumatised by something that he’d been hiding from me. Was it that girl he slept with when he was nineteen? Was it something family related?

I didn’t have time to ponder before I was running out of Tim’s office and down the too fucking long hallway to get to him. I could now hear the loud crashes and musical torture of the broken piano, and the screams of my boyfriend as he attacked the one thing he seemed to hate more than himself. When I got to the door I had to push past Ashley and through the yelling guys to get to him.

“John!” I yelled, not wanting to come in too close in case he hit me with the axe (on accident of course). “John!”

“Not…weak!” He screamed as he smashed the axe into the piano.

“John!” Jared yelled, attempting to come in closer. “Put down the axe!”

“Don’t come near-don’t touch me! I’m not- I’m not fucking-don’t tell me what to do!” It was like he was speaking to someone else. I couldn’t understand what he was trying to say because he was so emotional and in his head that it was like a trance.

Nobody knew what to do as they watched their best friend break down in front of their eyes. Nobody cared about the piano, they just wanted him alive. He was holding a weapon of mass destruction and was clearly in no form to be holding it.

“John, you need to stop,” I said softly, staying on his left from behind. I reached out to touch his shoulder and he spun around, the touch scaring him. “John, it’s me,” I choked. I hated seeing him like this. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

He lowered the axe, his chest rising and falling as heavily as it had been before. “Lei…I’m not weak,” he whimpered, “He…Leighton I can’t-“

I cupped his face, “Talk- John I can’t understand you,” I said softly, as Kennedy slowly walked up behind John, pulling the axe from his hand. They were breathing easy now.

His hands shook as they covered mine, “Lei—“ He was getting choked up on his words, his eyes filling with tears. “I can’t do it anymore- I can’t-I’m so sorry- he just-“

“Who is ‘he’?” I asked quietly, “Talk to me.”

He looked over his shoulder at the mess of a piano behind him before turning back to me. “H-he t-
touched me.”

Do you know what it’s like to have a grown man fall to his knees in front of you, hating himself and crying rivers down his cheeks, in front of all of his friends- friends he considered family- in the middle of a break down so severe you didn’t think he’d ever be able to recover from it?

No?

Me neither. Because my boyfriend just admitted to being sexually abused as a child. His piano teacher- his fucking piano teacher. I sank down to my knees and held him tightly, running my hand through his hair as I looked up at the guys, biting down hard on my lip. They were shocked. Garrett covered his mouth in awe. Jared was glaring at the piano. I could see from the corner of my eye, Tim holding Ashley, who looked too shocked to even comprehend what John had just admitted to.

“S-stay, please,” he whimpered into my shoulder. I could feel the tears seeping in through my clothing. “I’m s-so s-sorry…he fucking t-touched m-me, Lei.”

What broke my heart the most, was that he was the one apologising. After all this cowardly demon of
a man had done to John, he was the one apologising.

He didn’t deserve this.

***

I looked up from my coffee as I heard John come down the stairs. “Yeah okay, we’ll come in tomorrow-yes, thank you so much Dr. Adams. Okay, you too, take care.” I nodded, before hanging up.

“Hey darlin’,” I murmured. “You sleep okay?”

He nodded silently, the bed head making him look vulnerable. He hadn’t said much since we got home. After his break down in the parking lot, I took him into Tim’s office and I sat with him while he let it all out. He cried out all of the anger, hurt, hopelessness, guilt and I’m sure a lot more of mixed emotions before he’d worn himself out and we headed home. I told the guys I’d talk to them later, to give them an update, but right now we needed to be alone. I didn’t ask him any questions, because I could see he was so emotionally exhausted and he wasn’t in the mood to talk right now. We got home and went up to bed, where he cried some more before falling asleep. I came downstairs for something to eat but could only manage to digest a coffee as I let it all sink into my mind.

This was why he held off on sex for so long as a teenager. This was why he hated piano, and
punched his brother. This was why he didn’t like to be touched like that, and why he always locked the doors. I should have picked up on something. But I guess he was so good at hiding it at the start, I didn’t notice until it all fell apart during Pioneer.

“Not really,” he admitted, taking a deep breath. “I…I don’t know what to do with myself-I can’t believe
I did that.” He said, his voice shaking.

I stood and walked over to him, pulling him into my arms. “Hey, it’s okay babe, you’re with me now.”

“I just…god just thinking about it is humiliating.” He choked, looking up at the ceiling as he held me to his chest. “I mean, I fucking cried in front of all of them- they heard what I said for fucks’ sake.”

That pushed me to pull away from him, so I could see his face. I reached up to caress his cheek. “I can’t believe you went through that.”

I watched as his eyes turned glassy and he let out a shaky breath. “I know I have to talk about it.”

“Please,” I nodded softly.

He kissed my forehead and walked over to the coffee machine to make himself a coffee whilst I sat at the kitchen bench. “It started when I was seven.”

“Shit,” I sighed, “How long had you been playing with him?”

“A few months. He first touched me when I was in the middle of a piece- it was nothing huge, just his hand on my thigh. I thought there was nothing wrong with it, y’know? I didn’t know it was bad until…” He screwed his face up as he thought about it, clearly disgusted. “Shit.”

“Tell me babe, I’m not going to judge you. You know that.” I said supportively.

“He…touched me…there- he just started rubbing me, and that sticks in my mind the most, Lei, like
God it’s so fucking disgusting.” He winced, looking down at his hands as he waited for the coffee machine to stop whirring. It was breaking my heart.

“I love you,” I spoke passionately. “I know you must hate yourself but I love you so much.”

“And he kept doing it because he told me it was okay-I didn’t know any better. I was seven fucking years old.” He scoffed, running a hand over his face.

“I’ll support you through this,” I murmured.

“And that’s not the worst part- he brainwashed me into thinking that it was okay so I let him do it to me- there was always that doubt in my mind but I never spoke up about it.” He sighed. “I was too scared.”

“You were a child, of course you were scared.” I scoffed. “He’s a fucking coward of a man- he’s the lowest excuse of a man for doing that to you. Dr. Adam’s called me this morning and told me you’d shared something with your therapist that would require legal action. Do you want to take legal action?”

John sighed and shrugged as he poured his coffee. “I honestly don’t know if I can take bringing that up- no doubt it’d make headlines, and I can’t have the whole world finding out.”

“You can bring this man down-“

“I won’t be the poster child for sexual abuse, Leighton.” He said firmly. “Please, just understand where I’m coming from.”

I took a deep breath and nodded. I was supposed to be listening, I was to be listening to what he was saying in order to be supportive. “I understand babe. I said I would support you.”

He nodded and walked over to his beside me at the breakfast bar. “It lasted for about eight months.
After the last time, I just couldn’t handle it. He put his hand too far and it just didn’t seem ‘okay’ anymore. That was when it became too much for me. I went home to my mom and told her I wanted to take on baseball instead. I didn’t start getting back into music until I was fifteen, because by that age, I wasn’t thinking about that old creepy rocker dude that felt me up as a kid. I’d never really been exposed to sexual abuse or molestation so I didn’t know how wrong it was.”
God the ‘M’ word just put it into a whole new perspective. One that I didn’t necessarily want to experience.

“I’m guessing your parents don’t know?” I assumed.

He nodded. “Nobody does. You’re the first person I’ve told.”

“I can’t believe you kept that for almost twenty years.” I mumbled, kissing his cheek. “You should have told me so much sooner.”

“It’s not the type of thing one shares on a first date.” John mused.

“I was thinking like…eight months ago?” I stated, sending him a look.

He shrugged, leaning over to kiss my cheek like I had down previously. “I was…scared, I guess.”

“You don’t have to be scared with me.” I sighed, leaning against him. “For better or worse.”

“Better or worse.”