Don't Give Up (On Me)

“Happy birthday, baby.”

He rolled over with a tired smile on his face. I know it was early, and I know he’d just fall back asleep, but it was his birthday and this cake was awesome and I couldn’t wait any longer.

“I love wuu,” I cooed stupidly as I sat over his waist, holding his birthday cake in two hands. I was focusing intently hard on making sure all twenty five candles stayed alight, but I knew he wouldn’t take me seriously when I was wearing a really old The Maine band shirt and underwear. I always wore his band shirt on his birthday, it was kind of just…a thing. I’d previously brought up a cup of hot coffee and a new pack of cigarettes (greatest girlfriend ever, I know) and now held the last C in my hands. “Blow out your candles!”

“I can’t if you’re sitting on me!” He laughed, carefully manoeuvring himself so he was leaning on his arms underneath me. I moved back a little and allowed him to sit up fully. “I love you, Leighton,” he chuckled, leaning forward to kiss me.

I leaned back. “Blow out these candles or I’ll do it for you,” I warned, sending him an evil eye.

His eyes widened but before he did so, he picked up his phone from the side table and took a photo of me. I poked my tongue out at him and slightly grinded on his waist.

“Hurry up and do it!”

He rolled his eyes before finally obeying me and closing them for a few seconds at the end to make a wish. (Cute, right?) “Now can I kiss you?”

I rolled my eyes right back at him before nodding. He leaned over the cake and pressed his lips against mine. I kissed him back before pulling away, chuckling at his devastated pout. “Because it’s your birthday, we can eat cake for breakfast.” I smirked teasingly.

“You know I can have whatever I want,” he teased, “you’re not my mom.”

“Just because you don’t live with your parents doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want,” I teased
back. “You follow my rules, mister.”

He gave a small smile and kissed me again. “Thank you, Lei,” he sighed against my skin. I hated the double meaning, because the double meaning was a lot harder to grasp.

“I love you J,” I sighed, bringing a hand up to his cheek, caressing it with my thumb. “It’s okay that you can’t talk to them right now, whatever your choice is, I’ll support you, alright?”

No matter how much I was rooting for the other choice.

“That means a lot to me,” he murmured, kissing me one last time. “Let’s not talk about it today, huh? Let’s have cake for breakfast than go out somewhere.”

That definitely lightened my mood. When he actually took the initiative to get out of the house with me, it gave me a sense of hope. Maybe things were getting better, like they said; baby steps.
We ended up having a slow, casual morning before heading out that afternoon. My mom called to say happy birthday to him and he ended up talking to her for like, half an hour. It was cute, that he got on with my parents so well, they treated him like their own son, which I guess he took to heart considering his own family issues.

We eventually got out of the house later on, heading into town and walking through the parks and along the board walks. We didn’t really say much, but it was nice. It was peaceful and calm, a bold contrast to what it would have been like had we not been talking a few months back.

I raised our linked hands in front of my face, inspecting his nails. “Your nails feel much better, now.”

“That’s only ‘coz you did ‘em.” He teased, moving our hands to his face and kissing my knuckles.

“Well…yeah…” I smirked, leaning up and kissing him on the cheek. “So what were you talking to my mom about this morning?” I asked curiously as we stopped at a cross walk, looking around for a diner to eat a late lunch in.

“She was just wishing me a happy birthday,” he shrugged nonchalantly, “I told her what we were doing for the weekend, and she said we should all catch up soon.”

“That’s it?” I asked, “you spoke for half an hour and that’s all you talk about?”

“Mmhmm,” he smirked, “secret John and Mama M talk.”

I rolled my eyes, shoving him as we crossed the road to our favorite diner. It was a no brainer really, we hadn’t been here for a while. “You’re lame.”

“That’s not nice to say to the birthday boy on his birthday.” John pouted childishly as he opened the door for me. When he was in his normal bad mood, he wouldn’t have done that. Yeah, the bad, flat mood was now normal. I guess I shouldn’t call it his ‘bad’ mood, but I didn’t want to say it was his ‘depression’ mood or anything. Depression was a complicated thing, and it was different for everyone. Some people had it bipolar, which is extremely dangerous. One minute they could be happy, on top of the world, the next; they could be locking themselves in the bathroom with a knife. John wasn’t like that, and I know it sounded like he was up and down, but he wasn’t. The depressive behavior and mood came in waves. He’d recently resurfaced from the undertow, but I knew it’d have to pull him back down eventually. There were certain triggers I’d observed that would crack his mood in less than a second. These included things like discussing his family, or his depression (in depth), or for some reason, it could be talking about pianos, or asking him why he didn’t play anymore. I don’t know why that would be a trigger for him. Oh, and talking about the episode six months ago. Let’s just say it brought both our moods down.

Sitting in front of John at that table, I watched as he looked over his menu slowly. I’d been asked before by one of the guys if I thought the depression would ever go away, and to be honest, I didn’t know how to answer that question. How were you supposed to answer that question without sounding like an ignorant fool? Of course I wanted it to go away, but did I actually think it would? I wasn’t so sure. Who knows? It could be years before John can officially call himself happy again. I mean, there were times when his mood made me forget about the fact that he was on medication, and things went back to normal. But then, rewind to six months ago, and that was a completely different story. Do you know what it’s like to-

No, not talking about it.

The rest of his birthday was nice, and relaxed, and I couldn’t wait to kick off from work the following day and head out to the desert. To be honest, I really think we both needed this break. We both needed a little breather from our busy lives and everyone around us. Just me and him, alone out there in the peace and serenity of the Arizona desert.

Bring it on.

***

The following day in the office was tediously long, considering I was looking forward to something at the end of the day. It’s annoying how life worked like that, huh?
But eventually work came to an end and John picked me up from the warehouse. We were leaving from the warehouse straight away to get there for at least eight. We knew it’d be dark but it didn’t really matter because we’d be up late anyway, sitting around the fire and…stuff.

“Enjoy your wild night in the desert,” Tate smirked.

I shot her a look. “I do not want to know about the connotations of that.” I scoffed, shoving her lightly.

“There were absolutely no connotations of that.” She insisted, draping her arms around my shoulders. “I’ll see you on Monday, babe.”

“I have a feeling you’re going to be getting drunk tonight for some reason,” I mused, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Heading into the city with Hilary and Nat,” She shrugged, sending me a look. “Garrett’s having the guys over and we’re kind of still arguing so it would be awkward if I was there.”

“Things have only gotten worse, huh?” I winced sympathetically.

She rolled her eyes with a nod, but waved it off. “Not important, John’s waiting and you’re going to enjoy your weekend with him.” She stated, giving me a quick hug.

“You too,” I nodded firmly as I began to walk to John’s truck.

“Be safe out there!” She called, before heading towards Hilary’s car, where I assume she was with Nat.

I waved her off before jumping into John’s truck, closing the door beside me and putting on my seatbelt. “Hey,” I greeted softly, leaning over to give him a kiss.

“Hey,” he chuckled, pulling out of the parking lot. “How was work?”

“It was good,” I nodded, “thought it went incredibly slow because I just wanted to be with you.”

“Aw,” he laughed, reaching over to hold my hand. “I was just grabbing a few things together pretty much.” He nodded, “I got our bags in the back, along with the tent, and some food. I hope you don’t mind take out for dinner again.” He added sheepishly, as if I would have a problem with that.

“Course not,” I smiled, assuring him it was fine. “Did you get stuff for smores?”

He nodded, “Of course. I also changed the covers on the pillows because I know you’d freak out if I grabbed the Ralph Lauren ones from our bed.” He scoffed teasingly.
I sent him a pout. “Those are expensive, and they’re the best sheets you’ve ever slept on, admit it.”

“It’s probably why our bed is my favorite place.” He laughed, nodding in agreement. “Plus there’s the fact that you’re there.”

“Aw,” I chuckled, “well I’ll be in the tent with you, so you have to protect me from the cowboys.”

“Oh yeah, I found those old clothes.” He laughed.

“No way, really?” I asked, probably more excited than I should have been for a twenty one year old, twenty two in a month.

“Yeah, they were packed up next to the tent from our last trip.” He explained, “I mean come on babe, we’ve been driving for like, ten minutes and you haven’t even noticed my fringe jacket. It’s leather for crying out loud.” He teased.

I looked over and noticed his jacket for the first time. It was tan, and had fringing along the sleeves and back. Quite desert-esque if you ask me. “To be honest, the hat turns me on way more.” I teased back, pointing towards his black broad brimmed hat that he hadn’t worn in ages. “Oh, and the weird red pants.”

He let out a laugh. “They’re not weird, you’re weird.”

“Oh that hurt,” I mocked, as he took a left off of the highway and out to the desert. “I’m kidding, you
look good, bub.”

“And then there’s you,” he scoffed, “who looks good all the time.”

“If you weren’t driving, I’d probably kiss you for that,” I pouted, taking his hand in mine again. “I can’t wait until we get out there and light the fire, and just…it’ll just be you and me, you big twenty five year old.”

He suppressed a smile and grimaced. “God, twenty five huh?”

“You’re such a cougar,” I smirked, “preying on girls that aren’t even-“

“One girl!” he laughed, “you’re a little shit-stirrer, Leighton Johnson.”

“Your little shit-stirrer,” I insisted with a serious nod.

“Definitely,” He mused, taking another left. “Hey so are you coming to the in-store on Tuesday?”
I raised an eyebrow as I leant against the window, facing him. “No? I didn’t know you wanted me to go.”

“Oh you can if you want,” John shrugged, “I mean, Lydia and Tate are going; Parker too.”

“Well I haven’t caught up with Parker in a while,” I mused.

“So that’s a yes?” He asked somewhat hopefully.

I shrugged and nodded. “Tate and I can just go into work a little later on Tuesday.”

“Sounds good to me,” He shrugged with a smile, pulling off of the road and into the desert until we found the space we usually camped out at. The area was a little gathering of trees around a fire pit, beside a large boulder that had many engravings of love struck couples and what not. “And this looks good to me.”

I got out of the truck as John parked and fell in the love with the desert night on the spot. “Remind me again why we don’t live out here already?”

“Too far away from Dr. Adams,” John joked, more so to himself, but I still heard it. He got out of the truck and met me around the back, as we unloaded everything. “It was a joke, Leighton.”

“Wasn’t funny,” I shrugged simply as he handed me our bag of clothes. I followed him over to our usual spot between a large tree and a boulder and we began to set up the tent-well okay when we went to the camping store they were out of normal tents so we grabbed the next best thing: an actual teepee, not even kidding.

After we’d set it up in complete silence, he came up from behind and wrapped me in his arms. “I’m sorry for being insensitive.” He murmured against the top of my head. “Can we just forget about it?”

I nodded, taking a deep breath as I held onto his arms. “I love you, birthday boy.”

“I love you too, beautiful girl.” He whispered, his voice getting carried away with the wind. It felt good; the cool air on our skin. I turned around in his fringed arms and wrapped my arms around his middle. “What do you say we have dinner, huh?”

I nodded, letting go as he headed back to the truck for our food whilst I dragged the rug out of the tent and set it out just in front of the fire pit. I searched our bag for the matches and lit one up, throwing it onto the pit and waited for the fire to grow. I sat down on the rug as John walked back over with the bag of take out, sitting in front of me. While he set the food out, I reached back into the tent and into the bag of clothes we brought to share. I pulled out my somewhat similar jacket that had fringe and beads all over it and shrugged it on, over my white t-shirt and denim shorts. I stopped when I saw the Indian headdress and the band that had one single feather on the front and the rest was decorated with tribal beads. I grabbed both and turned back to face him, handing him the bigger of the two.

He raised an eyebrow before putting it onto his head once removing his hat while I put the other one on mine. “How old are we supposed to be?”

I bit my lip like I was thinking hard. “Sixteen? I’m pretty sure you just turned sixteen.”

“Sixteen, huh?” He chuckled, straightening the feather on mine.

“You’re exactly the same as you were nine years ago.” I laughed, opening the first container. Mexican was his favorite so I told him at lunch time to order Mexican.

“Correction, I was a virgin at sixteen.” He stated.

My eyes widened. I did not know that. “Seriously? I figured you would’ve lost it at like, fifteen.” I mumbled, quite surprised.

He sent me a look. “Are you calling me a slut?”

“Course not,” I shook my head, “I lost it at sixteen.”

This time, it was his turn to look shocked. “Seriously? Leighton!”

I let out a laugh. “I grew up in Southern California, do you blame me?”

“Uh, you’re supposed to tell me that you were like, nineteen?”

“Alright, what age did you lose it at?” I asked, expecting like, seventeen or something.

“Nineteen,” he repeated, as if I hadn’t just heard him.

My eyes widened. “Seriously?”

He blushed and looked back at the fire, throwing a rock into it. “You’re my first proper relationship, you know that.”

“Yeah but…I thought you’d at least-“ I stopped when I got the glaring eyes. “So, how’s the beans?”

He was always strange about that topic. He’d ask me questions about the people I’d slept with in the
past (which wasn’t a lot), but he wouldn’t let me ask him questions. He also didn’t like me touching him over clothes, or trailing my hands down the front of his torso, or doing anything in the music room, and he didn’t like doing anything in the car (not that I tried or anything…)- just random things you think a guy like John would enjoy, or even encourage.

We talked for a while longer through dinner before I reached back into the tent and grabbed my handbag, that contained his birthday present. I’d been carrying it around all day because I was extra cautious about it getting stolen or getting lost. I’d gotten him an old film camera that still worked perfectly fine, and let me tell you now, it was not cheap. John was always talking about how he wanted to get a good quality camera but didn’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on a ‘stupid DSLR or SLR or any sort of ‘LR’ for reasons I am unaware of, so I know he’d appreciate this.

“So I got you a present…” I began slowly, turning back around with his camera in a small cardboard box, the same one it’d come in when I bought it off the previous owner.

“Lei, you gave me my presents yesterday.” He stated, in referral to the few clothing items, new sunglasses and Tom Petty record I’d given him. “I don’t deserve anything more.”

“Of course you do, you’re turning twenty five.” I insisted, handing him the box. “Just open it, cowboy.”

“I’m actually an Indian-“

“Oh come on, you’re a mismatched Indian in a leather jacket.” I teased, to which he laughed at.

“Fine,” he chuckled, slowly opening the box. “Oh my god…Leighton,” he said softly, looking up at me.
“How did you afford this? It’s…it’s perfect, baby…” he murmured, clearly too absorbed in his gift to look away from it.

“I know a guy,” I joked, waving it off. “I’m glad you like it.”

“Like it? Babe I love it.” He insisted, lifting it out of its box. “C’mere, look at me.”

I looked up at him and pulled a face. “Out of all the things, you choose me?” I scoffed.

“Are you kidding? Out of all the guys in the world, you choose me?” He threw back lightly, lifting the camera to his face and snapping a picture of me. “Now come here,”

I raised an eyebrow but moved around so I was sitting beside him, our backs to the fire. “Yes, birthday boy?”

“Kiss me, my beautiful Indian princess.” He teased, his infamous smirk growing on his thin lips.

“Indians aren’t supposed to fall in love with the cowboys.” I smirked, unable to take my eyes off of his mouth.

“I guess it’s a good thing we don’t play by the rules,” he murmured, kissing me passionately. I heard the camera go off, but I didn’t pay too much attention as I kissed him back, more passionate than he was, which he probably didn’t think was possible. But when his hand slipped up my shirt, I had to cut him off. “What?” He moaned slightly.

“We…we gotta finish dinner,” I breathed heavily, keeping our foreheads attached. “And desert, I packed cake left overs, and then later we can-“

“You came prepared?” He smirked teasingly.

“With the cake or the condoms?” I asked, slightly confused.

He blushed, setting the camera aside. “Condoms, obviously.”

“Oh yeah, of course,” I mused, kissing him again, my legs over his lap. “You’re the birthday boy after all, and we kind of didn’t get any alone time with the guys coming over unexpected last night.” I laughed.

“Funny how Halvo is exceptionally good at that, huh?” John laughed, shaking his head.

“We should probably do the same to him.” I mumbled, lifting the container of rice and beans and feeding him some before taking some for myself.

“No way, we were on tour last year, and Jac came out, and I went to see the idiot on his bus and accidentally walked in on them in the back lounge.” John winced, shaking his head. “I didn’t tell the guys because they’d probably burn that couch.”

“Oh my god,” I laughed, almost choking on my food. “Jac never told me that.”

“You think she would?” John laughed, straightening up the headdress that actually quite suited him, to be honest. Maybe this was our real heritage…we looked the right part, that’s for sure.

“You’re so adorable,” I mumbled quietly, my mood changing to that of sad and appreciative. “I love you John, a lot.”

“I love you too, Leighton,” he murmured, his eyes dropping to my lips.

“But I gotta say something first,” I interrupted, “and you won’t wanna hear it, but you have to.”
John let out a sigh, “Lei…”

“I love you, and I know sometimes you feel unlovable, and that you think you hate me, and I know it’s not your fault, but I still love you, even though you’re on medication right now, and even though you’re going to have all of these mood swings that really hurt, and you’re going to be up some nights unable to sleep- but I love you even with all that stuff, okay? You can tell me everything and I’ll still be here, everyday.” I let out a deep breath, once getting that off of my chest.

His eyes traced my face and within a split second he stood, holding a hand out for me. I took it and he pulled me up and into his arms, an emotional look on his face. “You’re so incredible.”

I bit down on my lip before he pushed his onto mine, cupping my face with his callused hands. “I love you.” I mumbled.

“Those words don’t even suffice how much I feel for you anymore.” He murmured, guiding me back towards the tent.

“John we haven’t…”

“Don’t worry about it, Lei.” He mumbled, “You go in there and I’ll tidy up.”

“You’re going to take ages,” I pouted.

“Oh wow, thanks babe.” He chuckled, crouching down and beginning to pack up the food while I headed into the tent. We’d put down rugs in there and I could see that he’d grabbed more than enough pillows to throw around the circular tent. I really loved the fact that he was still in touch with that adventurous, child-like side.

“I’m just gonna put this in the car!” He called, disappearing before he returned a minute or so later, with his camera. “Hold on, I just gotta take a photo of you, you look so cute.” He mumbled, lifting his camera to his face.

“I look like a four year old,” I laughed, as I removed my jacket and shoes, placing them to the side.

“Yeah well…I look like a six year old- y’know, coz I’m taller than you.” He teased, putting the camera down as he kneeled in front of me, closing the tent behind him. “I can barely see you.” He laughed.

I sat up as he moved forward between my legs, his hands on my knees. “I guess you’ll have to use your imagination, cowboy.” I teased, removing his headdress so I could run my hands through his hair.

“Seriously, our relationship can end over this. My cowboy days are over, little lady.” He smirked, pushing me down as he kissed my neck passionately.

I let out a laugh. “I like the cowboy,” I pouted, pushing his shirt over his head once removing his jacket. “I think he’s hot.”

“Well he thinks his Indian is gorgeous,” he murmured, lifting my shirt over my head before going for my denim shorts, sliding them down my legs.

“Are sure you can do this?” I asked gently, as I began to unbutton his jeans, tugging on them slightly.

“Coz if you can’t, that’s okay.”

“Babe it’s fine,” he insisted, kissing me again and pushing the headband off of my head.

We got him out of his jeans and from there, one thing lead to another before we became the most
intimate we’d been since the diagnosis. The whole diagnosis thing left my mind the minute his body pressed against mine, urging to get closer.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

They were the only words running through my mind through the movement and the sweat, and the passion. I don’t know why, and it scared me. Why was I telling myself this-I knew it already, didn’t I?

Of course I did.

It just…this feeling wasn’t what I was expecting when I imagined this moment. It’d been so long, I
forgot what it felt like, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t feel this…depressing?

We moaned eachothers’ names through the night, trying to get as close to one another as possible. Hands moved fast, and gracefully as the fire outside the tent burned out. If I tried hard enough to push those stupid thoughts out of my mind, I could actually enjoy what was happening, and that we were alone, together out in the desert, away from everything else. It was nice, it was peaceful, it was…it was us.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he murmured against my shoulder blade.

I had to look up in order to stop any form of tears from spilling over. Was he trying to reassure himself, or was he trying to be sweet? I decided on the latter and pushed his hair back- it was getting exceptionally long. “I love you too,” I mumbled, pressing kisses to his temple.

“Huh?” He murmured, looking at me.

“Nothing,” I shook my head, pressing my lips against his for the last time before pulling away. We laid side by side, letting our breathing fall in sync, our chests rising and falling rapidly. His hand slithered into mine, holding it tightly as he pulled the blanket up. “That was…”

God now that it was over, I was kind of…craving more. Okay so it wasn’t bad, it was just…there was a lot of emotional baggage on that for us, and it was exhausting. Not physically, but emotionally. When it was emotionless and pure lust, it was easy, but that’s not how it was tonight.

“Good?” He offered.

“That’s like saying Batman was good,” I breathed, “have you watched that movie? It was freaking amazing.”

“So I was as good as the Batman movie?” He asked with a chuckle.

“Okay, almost as good as the Batman movie,” I teased, turning on my side and kissing his cheek, “Heath Ledger as the Joker, nothing beats that.”

“God I love you,” he murmured, kissing me back and pulling the blankets over our shoulders as he pulled me into his arms.

“I love you too, cowboy.”

***

The following morning, I woke up to find John not beside me. I sat up slowly, running my hand through my hair as I pulled his shirt on, along with my underwear. I leaned forward and pushed the flap of the tent open to see John sitting on the edge of a log in front of the fire in only his boxer briefs.

I crawled out of the tent and went to sit beside him, placing my hand on his bare back, rubbing his shoulders. “Morning baby,” I greeted softly, as he prodded the steaming coal in the fire pit with a stick.

His head shot up as he only just noticed my presence. He averted his watery eyes, wiping his nose as he looked up at me. “Mornin’,”

My eyes widened. “Are you…are you crying? Baby what’s wrong?” I asked, turning his face to me, my hands on his cheeks.

He shook his head, wiping his eyes. “N-nah I’m fine,” he breathed heavily, leaning back.

“John, you’re not.” I stated, “what’s going on?”

“Nothing, you ready to get going?” He asked, standing up and chucking the stick into the fire. “Breakfast at the roadhouse sounds pretty good.” He mumbled, before heading back to the tent.

I stood quickly and grabbed his arm, pulling him into me for a kiss, one he didn’t hesitate to respond to. “I love you,” I mumbled, cupping his face.

His hands made their way to the curve of my ass as he pulled me against him. “Love you too. We should get going.” He said quietly, before letting go of me and entering the tent to get dressed.

I sighed and returned to the log in front of the fire pit. What had I done wrong? I thought I was supposed to ask what was wrong when my boyfriend was in tears, I thought that was how you showed you cared.

I guess I can’t even care properly.

***

“My mom, she called me this morning.”

I looked up from my warm honey oatmeal and coffee, surprised at his sudden explanation. “Hmm?”

“Th-that’s why I freaked,” he mumbled, “you know I don’t want to talk to my family, and it just…I couldn’t handle it.”

I reached out and placed my hand on his, holding it as I continued my breakfast. “It’s okay to not be ready.”

He nodded quietly before going back to his own oatmeal. It kind of reminded me of how we used to be months ago, all healthy and stuff. I mean John always had chocolate chips in his oatmeal (kind of cute, huh?), but still.

I didn’t really know what to say because I didn’t want to ignite a fight between us because I knew it would bring to reality that the good mood? It was gone.

So that morning all I did was eat in silence, waiting for him to man up and make the first move- but of course, he didn’t make it. He went from the guy who’d shoot down any guy who so much as spoke to me at the bar, to the guy who didn’t have the guts to be honest with me.

That’s what our relationship came down to.