Still Strung out on You

It has been a year, give or take a few months, since I made my biggest mistake ever. The mistake, you ask? Well that would be cheating on Alex Gaskarth. I felt guilty. I shouldn't have done it, and I couldn't live with myself hiding it away from him. I knew I had to tell him. I've regretted cheating on him since I did it, but even more so when I saw the love of my life break down in front of me after I told him. I.. I don't even know how it happened. I didn't know what I was doing.

I've always wanted show Alex that I do still care. I do still love him. I couldn't figure out how to do that though since he wont talk to me. I'm not surprised. I don't even want to talk to me. So, I started using the gorgeous smelling aftershave that he bought me on valentines day, three weeks before the idiot over here decided to get so pissed and cheat on the only person that ever meant anything to me.

I haven't spoken to him much because I doubt he'd want to talk to me. I don't blame him though. I wouldn't want to talk to me either. Have you ever had someone be the biggest part of your life, then have to cut them out of your life as best you can due to the worst mistake of your life?

I think we've talked about four times since that stupid day? It was something like that anyway. The most recent was just two days ago. I saw him sat at a table on his own in the cafeteria. I decided to go over to him.

You see, there have been so many times where I have wanted to text him, or talk to him or just hang out with him. It's like somehow my brain forgets everything that happened, then all of a sudden everything hits me and I realise for the twenty millionth time how big a douchebag I am. It sucks ass. It really does. Worst part? It was all my fault.

My mom keeps pestering me about him. She always like, "so hows you and Alex then?" and every single time, the answer is "mom, leave me alone. I don't wanna talk about it" to which I get "go chase after him, I know you still want him. Why don't you invite him over?" I must have this conversation at least four times a week. Beyond a joke if you ask me. I mean, why would he want to come over to see me? I'm the one who broke him.

Anyway, he was sat working on something, so he didn't realise that I'd sat down at the table. I watched him as he pulled his cute concentration face for about five minutes before clearing my throat.

"What do you want, Barakat?" Alex asked me, with an un-necessary aggressive edge to his voice.

"I just wondered if you, um, wanted to, er, um..." I stuttered, tripping over my words like a fucking idiot.

"Spit it out, already."

"Do you want to come over on Saturday?"

"Why? I mean, I'll come over I guess, but why?"

"I just want to show you something that I've been working on. And my mom made me ask you come over
for dinner 'cause she misses you."

"Okay. I'll come over about 12?"

"Yeah, that's cool. Hey, whatcha working on?"

"A song."

"Can I look at it?"
"If you must. It's not finished yet though!"

Well, it wasn't hard to convince him to come over at least. I did have doubts. I thought he would outright reject me and tell me to fuck off and shove my offer up my ass. He has done that to me before, until eventually apologising and coming anyway. I reached out and took the piece of paper from Alex and started reading what he had written.

I handed the sheet back to Alex, and starting thinking about the chorus. It didn't sound quite right. It didn't flow with the verse.

"That's good. Like, really good. But, I think you should change the chorus a little. I have an idea. Here, give me some paper and a pen."

"Okay..."

"Two minutes!"

I started writing. I'd thought of something whilst I read the lyrics and I personally think it fits better. I wrote:

'Lets scream this song,

so tonight we can stay together.

Can't you hear me say,

"Don't wait too long 'cause I won't wait for ever"

Won't you light the way?'

"Done! Here, read it. I think it fits in well with the verses. What d'ya think?"
"That actually fits so much better than what I wrote."

"I'm glad you like it. Anyway, I'm gonna head off. Don't forget, saturday my house about 12ish" I grinned at him.

"How could I ever forget, Jack?" He smiled back at me. Then off I went.

I really hope he likes what I've been working on. I am really scared right now though. I made myself believe that he was going to reject me and say no, but now he's said yes it's just sunk in how much I want him back. How much I miss talking to him everyday, whenever I needed something. How much I miss seeing him everyday, always being at either my house or his. How we were part of eachothers family. Just, fuck. Why did I ever let myself get so drunk that I could cheat on the best thing that ever happened in my life?

How am I supposed to react when he's sat in my bedroom for the first time since I saw him break down in front of me because of my stupid mistake?